» Expensive Mistakes

This has to be the winner...surely
I used to live in Plymouth, and a friend worked at Devonport dockyard, refitting nuclear submarines. Basically, a sub would come in, they'd strip it, inventory everything and replace any parts or kit that were missing or broken.

Anyway, one sub had a problem with a big circuit board, something to do with the missile firing system. So the boss ordered a new board. Except he didn't...somehow he managed to order two by mistake. These things are custom-built using special components (EMP-proof or something), take months to arrive and cost an absolute metric shedload of cash. We're talking a career-threatening waste of money here, and the boss is fearful for the consequences.

So the unwanted board is surreptitiously buried in a skip, and no-one ever notices.

The cost? Approximately one million quid.
(Thu 25th Oct 2007, 19:46, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

Oats
A guy at work went to Edinburgh University. One of his flatmates decided food was too expensive so he bought about 25 bushels of rolled oats at the start of the year and ate nothing but porridge until February. Then he went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Scotland's first case of scurvy in the 20th century.
(Fri 8th Oct 2004, 18:20, More)

» Ripped Off

The film "Snatch"
Lying bastards, it turned out to be a gangster flick.
(Mon 19th Feb 2007, 18:55, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

A born poet
I used to sit next to a guy, Chris, whose forte was making up filthy poetry about his classmates, all of which rhymed perfectly and had a killer ending.

For example, about a boy with a rather large nose :

Big fat honka 'tween his eyes
"Bloody hell, John, what a size!"
He uses it for probing bums
Lots of spunk around his gums

Now he sits up in the class
Got his eye on an innocent arse
His mouth is watering at this sight
There's a tin of vaseline in case it's tight

Then he stands up with a slight frown
With a flick of the zip his trousers are down
Now the target's come into line
The bum's in sight
OH SHIT IT'S MINE

21 bloody years ago and I can still remember it perfectly.
(Tue 23rd Jan 2007, 20:03, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Sweaty, lager and curry-fuelled sex
I felt like I had a 2 stone bag of chicken madras blobbing around my middle, and we were both sweating like pigs. Thank goodness it was at her house.

The other worst time was when the cat came and curled up on my arse, just as I was on the vinegar strokes. Furry pervert.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 18:21, More)