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Profile for Zgrzyt:
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SEVEN LIES AND TWO TRUTHS

1. There are seven lies and two truths in this list
2. I live on a traffic roundabout in Birmingham
3. Everything I spank runs off or complains about it
4. I move Stourbridge Junction further west each month and nobody notices
5. I have a star named after me which I keep in a jar in Hartlepool
6. I am massively allergic to hypothetic situations.
7. I introduced the sport of hockey to Zambia
8. There is a wolf living at the house opposite me and I tease him through the windows with large quantities of vodka, which he knows he can't have.
9. One of my testicles hangs lower than the other two.

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Best answers to questions:

» Rubbish Towns

Stoke-on-Trent
Not content with being one crap town, Stoke-on-Trent have gone all out and pissed over the UK by declaring themselves as SIX crap towns and trying to disguise it as a city.

HANLEY - Full of people that when you're trying to film a University project, come up to you and shove their oatcakey faces in the way. More chavs than eyebrows and one very annoying dancing hobo outside a closed Woolworths. FUN FACT: Hanley is 83% wasteland, with demolished buildings on every street. Saved from utter failure by one thing - Revolutions vodka bar. This is supposedly the "centre" of the "city".
BURSLEM - Where Port Vale play. I needn't say more. Slowly tarmacking over the whole area.
STOKE - Just to piss off non-Stokies, they've named one of their six town within Stoke... Stoke. So when you say to a Stokie, "Hey ugly, what's in Stoke?" they cannily point you in the direction of the Spode factory and tell you that the streets are paved with pottery. Home of the Stoke rail station, conveniently located next to nothing.
TUNSTALL - I've never before seen a place where there is paint peeling off bricks, but lo, here it is. 27% of all houses are abandoned according to the Department Of Making Up Facts.
FENTON - Has a 24 hour tesco, staffed entirely by sub-level aliens disguised as humans. You can tell they're aliens because they've forgotten how to blink, and stack shelves. Crime rate slightly higher than that of Somalia.
LONGTON - Feel themselves worthy of their own train station, so if you ever make the journey to Crewe, you get to see it in all it's grey glory. Doesn't stop raining.

If you live in Stoke, as I did for three miserable years, I have a top tip! Stay indoors. No matter how damp and dull your house is, it's even damper and duller outside.
(Thu 29th Oct 2009, 12:27, More)

» Famous people I hate

I noticed we had a fair few celeb deaths last year.
Every night I went to bed clinging to the hope that Ricky Gervais would be the next one. I don't understand why the fat-faced egocentric greasy-haired giraffe penis continues to live in this world, and that they're MAKING me share a planet with him. He made The Orafice (and only made two series of that because he's a lazy fuck) and then the horrendously appalling "Extras" (so called because that was his pet name for his co-actors and "star" guests), a show made entirely so that morons pining over the loss of The Orafice were able to pretend it was still on. Then he did stand-up, and went down in history as the world's first stand-up whose audience were paid to go and see him.

I get up every morning, look out the window and see all the stabbings on the street, and the petty crimes against our society, I watch the news and see people like myself in massive debt, disaster in Haiti, unrest and war... and I think, it would all be more bearable if Gervais' ugly face was long expired and rotting somewhere below the ground.

Oh, any Amy Winehouse. What a cunt. I have seriously seen drains more attractive than her.
(Fri 5th Feb 2010, 9:45, More)

» Worst Band Ever

Anything ever made
by My Chemical Romance. If only the chemical was tetanus and the romance was that of a horse and the glue factory.

Pick any MCR song and apply the following Dylan Moran quote: "I'm not saying it's a bad song. I'm just saying, you could take... a broom, say... dip the end in brake fluid... put the other end up my arse, put me on a trampoline in a moving lift and I could write a better song on the walls!"
(Thu 30th Dec 2010, 18:35, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Murmansk
Not the end of the world, but you can see it from there.
(Thu 29th Oct 2009, 12:29, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Second Life
The primary one is annoying enough, why must people persist with a second one? Which by the way, is not a "life". It's a lonely, miserable, dark period in your actual life you will regret when you're lying on your death bed and you realise the furthest south you ever travelled was your post office.
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 18:34, More)
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