» Festivals

Silly Me
I frequently attend literary festivals where I can indulge my passion for books and reading and when I saw one advertised last year only half an hour on the train from London, I eagerly bought a ticket. On arrival, though, I was desperately disappointed to discover that there were no author talks, let alone the slightest hint of a bookshop. And when I asked a young man who he thought might succeed Doris Lessing as recipient of the Nobel Prize for Literature, he told me to "fuck off, weirdo", before adding "do you know what time Metallica are on?".

This year I played it safe and stuck to the Hay-on-Wye festival instead.

Oh, and I've reported the organisers of the so-called "Reading Festival" to trading standards.
(Fri 5th Jun 2009, 12:18, More)

» That's me on TV!

I've never been on TV as far as I know...
... but let me share my story with you anyway.

I used to think I had the most ordinary, uneventful life – I live in a small town, work in an office, and am married to a lovely girl who is a nurse and who is the perfect wife. I have pretty much everything I need, the only cloud is that despite living in a beautiful seaside town, I’ve never felt the urge to take to the water because my Dad had died in a boating accident when I was young.

But now I’ve hit my 30s, I’ve started to feel that something isn’t quite right with my life. I met this girl who started me thinking about my situation in a way I never had before, although she disappeared as quickly as she had come into my life. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, a lot of weird stuff has been happening - for instance, my Dad has now reappeared on the scene, it turned out that instead of drowning, he had suffered total amnesia.

My best mate, over a few beers, has told me I shouldn’t worry about things so much. My mother has told me that maybe it’s time for me and my wife to think about having a family of our own, and that would help me overcome these nagging self-doubts I have.

But I still feel detached from reality, somehow. You know what, I may just overcome my fear of the water and sail a boat towards the horizon, just to see what’s there.

And in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight!
(Fri 12th Jun 2009, 12:26, More)

» Cringe!

Bloke I used to work with...
... told us about the first time he met a former girlfriend's mother.

She walked in on the couple as they were going at it hammer and tongs.

Oh, did I mention the mother was an actress?

Best known for playing a longstanding character in a popular soap opera?

Coitus interruptus thanks to Dot Cotton.

I'd like to think she went straight into character, with an "Ooh I say!" while lighting a fag and offering up a prayer while the drums did the doo-doo doo-doo-doo Eastenders outro music...
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 13:40, More)

» That's me on TV!

How TV grassed my Dad up
A couple of years after we moved down from Scotland in the early 1970s, London Scottish got to the rugby union cup final at Twickenham against Coventry, so with my Dad being a rugby fan, he naturally got us tickets.

The stadium was by no means full, so Dad found a spot for us, told me to stay there while he popped off "to see a man about a dog", which I now understand to be another way of saying that he was going to the bar.

After what seemed like half an hour, with no sign of my old man, I decided I'd better wander off and find him. I should perhaps mention here that I was nine years old and wearing a bright orange jumper.

Anyway, I walked up and down the stand looking for my Dad, no trace of him, then towards the end of the match he suddenly reappeared seeming much more cheerful than he had before, despite the result (I guess it wasn't just London Scottish who got hammered that day).

We had an uneventful journey home, where my Dad assured my Mum that no, he hadn't had anything to drink and he'd kept a close eye on me the whole time, and the story would have ended there, except my Dad decided to watch the highlights on Rugby Special the following afternoon. On our recently-bought first-ever colour TV. So we all settled down to watch the match - me, my siblings, and my parents.

It so happens that we were in the part of the ground opposite the TV cameras, and you couldn't help but notice this little orange blob wandering up and down during the entire match - indeed, the commentators even pointed me out (for the benefit of people watching in black and white, I suppose). They also put two and two together and suggested that if I was looking for my Dad, I could probably do worse than look in the bar...

Length? A good week or two till my mum spoke to him again, and even longer before he was allowed back out on his own.
(Mon 15th Jun 2009, 8:28, More)

» God

Family thing
My Mum got very religious in the months before I was born, apparently, even though it turned out that she was carrying on behind my Dad’s back (well, obviously not my Dad, if you see what I mean).

I guess the religion thing must be hereditary, because I always felt a bit of a vocation myself (and once, when I was little, I even did a vanishing act on my parents, who found me in church behaving as though it was the most natural thing in the world).

Once I got into my 30s, I felt a stronger and stronger pull towards the spiritual side of things. I had a nice job – I’d followed Dad, well, the one who brought me up, that is – into the family business, which was going well, but I just felt there was more to life than this.

Anyway, after a month and a bit of some really serious soul-searching, not to mention temptation, I gave in to the inevitable and now I’m following the spiritual life, and you know what, I love it. It’s almost as though this is what I was put on earth to do.

I’m doing a lot of work with the sick and the mentally ill – you honestly wouldn’t believe some of the stuff I’ve got up to.

But it’s not all doom, gloom and ill people – I’ve got to make some great friends who come from all walks of life, and we know how to party. I mean, the other week we were at a wedding where the wine flowed like water.

Actually, we’re all off on a trip to the big city in a couple of weeks’ time, which I’m really looking forward to.

Mind you, being the superstitious sort, I’m a bit apprehensive that we’ve booked a table for 13 for dinner on the Thursday, although my mate Judas says I’ve got nothing to worry about.

He reckons we're going to have a really good Friday, too.

/hull
(Fri 20th Mar 2009, 22:19, More)