» My most gullible moment

Chas 'n' Dave
One night at a local boozer, myself and a few friends were lucky enough to find ourselves watching Chas and Dave live. It was a great night and much alcohol was consumed. So much so, that I ended up pulling quite a hefty lady. We didn't go any further than a bit of public tongue tomfoolery, but I do recall that her hands were the most sweaty hands I have ever encountered.
Anyway, short story long. I got her number and upon arrived home ended up calling and talking to her at the request of one of my mates. I vaguely recall the conversation, and the feeling that I will regret it in the morning.

Morning comes along, and while nursing a sore head snippets of the previous night came back to me. While in my drunken haze my recollection of the girl was that she was very pretty. In the cold hard light of day, I remember she was, in fact, a bit of a mutant. So after a few minutes of sitting and chatting with my friends, my phone beeps with a text message saying "Who is this?". This led to confusion until a mate told me while I was in the toilet he texted this "girl" from my phone. I can't remember the words of that particular text, but before I could reply I was pinned down and a further text was sent from my phone saying "It's Jboy from last night. We shared a romantic dance and kiss to 'Under the Boardwalk'".

So she replies. It was apparently prefect and she would love to see me again. Yada yada yada, no intention of calling her lest she eat me.
We got to a barbeque at a friends house that day. On the way my phone beeps with a text from a number I don't recognise. It claims to be from a mate of hers that was out with her the previous night asking if I was going to see her again as she has a bad time with men and gets down about it. I don't reply.

I get another text. And another. And on and on it goes. "You're not replying. Does that mean you won't see her? She really needs this, she has been treated like shit by men. She thought you might be different". "I know she is big, but she turned to comfort eating when her parents were killed in a car accident a few years back".

Being spineless, I decided not to reply but the messages kept coming in thick and fast. And got odder and odder. I was quite taken at the time by the porn star Cytherea, and was getting messages about how this girl can squirt like her. I didn't remember telling her about that, but it may have been possible.

After a while at the BBQ the messages got closer to psychopathic. She recalled my address from the previous night from what I could tell, and told me that my car (of which she told me the make, model and colour) looked nice when she got there, but now looks better with white paint all over the sun roof. And she likes the look of my house, and the cat in the window, but she wouldn't have painted the front door blue. By this time I was freaking out. I always wanted a stalker, but one that took the time to stalk and didn't go rushing in to the whole mental part of it.

By now, you have probably all guessed what I didn't at the time. It was my best mate/housemate texting me from his work mobile (of which I didn't have the number) pretending to be this girl. EVERYONE else at the BBQ knew about this. At one point, he was sat opposite texting me. Looking at the phone which he held under the table. And I thought he was falling asleep so told him to wake up and didn't even click that my phone beeped not two seconds later. Another mate at the BBQ (obviously in on it) offered to tell her to fuck off for me. He got "her" number off me and texted her saying to leave me alone. My other mates phone beeped just after he sent the text. I never even twigged.

I would love to call him a cunt for that, but I believe that honour belongs to me for falling for it. The only thing I can take solace in is that it cost him a fortune as he probably sent me at least 30 messages that day. I wanted to hurt him, but I felt it was my own fault for being such a plum.
(Mon 25th Aug 2008, 1:10, More)

» Celebrities part II

Susan George
Around the time she started knocking about in Eastenders myself and two friends were at some kind of national park in Somerset after just having had cream teas.

Standing by the car finishing cigarettes we noticed Susan George standing on top of the short wall in front of us, facing us, taking photos of the scenic view behind us. Probably no more than a car length away. She was with some guy off of Emmerdale, or similar.

Conversation went down, well within earshot of her, and looking straight at her.

"Fellas, check it out, it's that Susan George bird".
"I know her face from somewhere, she looks familiar".
"Yeah, she's in Eastenders at the moment".
"Wow, a famous person".

She notices us staring and bade us a friendly, if a little nervous "Hello".

"Didn't she get her tits out in Straw Dogs?".

Susan?? Susan, where are you going??
(Sat 10th Oct 2009, 3:45, More)

» Common

French toast
I am rather partial to a slice of eggy bread or two. In fact when I was younger I went through a phase of eating nothing but eggy bread. With lots of ketchup. 6 slices at a time. I couldn't get enough of it.

I had no idea at the time, being a mere nipper, that the correct terminology for such food was French Toast.

Neither did my Mother it seems, as she berated me constantly for calling it eggy bread as it was too common. How did she class it up?? By making me call it "Fried Bread Dipped in Egg".

I mean, it doesn't eggsactly (sorry) roll off the tongue. And it isn't even technically correct for fucks sake, with the bread having been dipped in egg BEFORE being fried.

Bread Dipped in Egg and then Fried is more like it.
(Sat 18th Oct 2008, 17:15, More)

» Banks

Lloyds
Back about 12 years, maybe more, I was well overdrawn with Abbey so had the cunning plan of opening a second account with Lloyds and getting my wages paid into there so I actually had money to live on that wasn't being swallowed by an unauthorised overdraft on an overdraft.

After a few weeks I noticed that I was going overdrawn with Lloyds too, unauthorised. Turns out they hadn't put any kind of zero limit on the account so even with no cash in the account I could still withdraw money, albeit incurring charges at the same time.

I walked into the bank to chat to one of their staff and explained that I wanted them to put a limit on the account to stop me overdrawing through the hole in the wall. They told me they only do that to bad customers. No matter how much I begged and pleaded they refused. Even when I told them I was a bad customer and would continue to be until they limited it. They still refused.

So I continued to be a bad customer until they eventually did it. Probably cost me a fortune in charges.
(Wed 22nd Jul 2009, 1:59, More)

» My most gullible moment

Older than the hills
but a girl quite recently believed me when I told her that oriental womens vag's go sideways.

Also, when I was a young'un, I pointed out one of those big round gasometers in my area (not my actual area, I mean close to where I live) and asked my dad what they were for. He told me it's what trains practice driving around on top of before they are put on the real tracks. Given their proximity to the railway station where I live I had no reason to doubt him.
Why can't parents just say "I don't know"?

EDIT: Just realised the sideways gash has bindun. But the girl I convinced was old enough to know better.
(Tue 26th Aug 2008, 23:07, More)