» Cringe!

This Will Win Me No Friends
It isn't even funny. But I do die, violently and bloodily inside, every time I think of it.

I had been helping my ex DJ at a party that consisted entirely of wankers (I do not exclude myself) many years ago. I was bored to death, very tired, wanted to leave, and was not nearly drunk enough to be cheerful, but just enough to be nasty.

The male half of a particularly tedious couple of my acquaintance approached me towards the end of the night. I didn't want to talk to anyone, let alone this person, mainly because I had nothing in common with him. He and his GF were obsessed with spawning, and were recently, joyfully and noisily pregnant, so all I could think of to ask about was the condition of his missus.

Keep in mind that I'm the sort of minging heartless witch who couldn't care less about children, and who has a hatred of weedy euphemism.

"Um... so how's Mrs. Thingy's pregnancy going?"

"Oh... she lost the baby".

"That was a bit clumsy of her. Leave it on a bus seat or something, did she?"

Even I was stunned. I wish I could plead temporary insanity, serious drunkenness, or demonic possession. The only real explanation is that I am a total cow.

It was so bad, in fact, that Mr. Thingy was sure he hadn't heard me properly, above the awful music. I covered myself, I think, but to this day the memory of this Tourette-esque outburst of glib evil has had me reaching for the Nembutal.
(Thu 4th Dec 2008, 11:40, More)

» Common

"Yous".
Maybe only other Aussies will understand this one (and we're all common to start with. But there are degrees).

Some people here either have no real concept of grammar, or do this to seem chummy, or larrikin-like... who knows, really. "You" [personal pronoun, plural] becomes "yous".

"When are yous open till?"

I reply as emphatically as possible:

"Wees are open until seven".

I love doing this. They know I'm taking the piss, but are unable to retaliate: if they insist upon addressing me with deliberately incorrect grammar, I've got every right have a go.

Also, people who put milk into their teacup first and then add the tea are pure scum.
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 13:29, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

Just married a gent 4 1/2 years younger than me.
I'm 37, he's 32. Is that wrong?? He's the youngest of three brothers, and oldest brother's wife keeps harping on what had previously seemed to us to be a negligible age gap.

On the way to buying wedding crap, she puts an 80's compilation on the car stereo. We reminisce about 80's bands. She loudly says to my intended- "Sorry, Mr. Badger- this stuff is from before your time".

Later, she announces that I'm exactly 1 month older than HER husband. In front of the entire family. Why? Why??

"So?"
"So... I think it's extremely cool". Pig's arse she does. What the hell is her problem?

The urge to say "well, I may be a geriatric, but at least I don't have an arse the size of a bus and a chuff like the Chunnel from having five kids like some people I could mention" does appeal.
(Fri 5th Dec 2008, 7:53, More)

» Advice from Old People

Me Ma
"Doing the wrong thing is better than doing nothing, because at least doing something leads to other shit".

I considered this a maxim to live by, until she followed it up with "you have to take your potato with you to Mars, or it will get lonely".

Hmmm.
(Sat 21st Jun 2008, 14:41, More)

» When Animals Attack

I meant well.
I didn't think it was nutritionally right that the pelican should eat the batter on my lunchtime fish cocktail. I began peeling the lardy, crunchy bits off the fishy morsel for my patient, jowly maritime friend in as PC and tree-huggy a fashion as possible.

5 seconds later I was armpit-deep in pelican creel (that's what the baggy bit on the beak is called). He'd gotten tired of waiting. He was also rather reluctant to let go of my arm. The texture of the inside of a pelican's creel is not altogether unpleasant, but that pointy hooked bit on the end of its beak certainly is if you have to drag the length of your arm past it and its owner has a vice-like grip.

Interesting scar, to this day.
(Fri 25th Apr 2008, 8:02, More)