» Hypocrisy

I actually did a double take...
I saw a bloke once in Hull city centre (outside the central library for those in the know) wearing a FULL, shorts SOCKS and all replica Leeds United kit. This must have been about 15 years ago. I was stood next to him waiting to cross the road when he saw a punk waiting at the opposite side, he turned to his little kids and said "Look at that, doesn't he look daft!".

For fucks sake, you're a grown man dressed in a full football kit walking around town!! Not even the town of the team you're wearing. Looking like a complete twat and risking getting stabbed if you stay about after dark. You are in no position to say that anyone else looks "daft" you mong.



To top it all he looked like one of the Chuckle Brothers.
(Sun 22nd Feb 2009, 14:07, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

wrong, just wrong
I've done a few stupid things with, or rather to, my gentleman in the past.

1. When I was about 7 years old, I thought it would be interesting to put toothpase in my foreskin. I found it wasn't interesting while crying alone behind the sofa later.

2. At around 13 I covered my ball-sack in bubblebath liquid or shampoo or something (can't remember what). It felt great at the time but I got interupted and didn't wash it off. When I went for a shower later, it had irritated my boogie-bag and I had a red and paper-thin clackersack with flaking bits of skin and the whole hilarious works! I think I cried that night.

3. As an adult, I had my then girlfriend giving me a bit of pleasuring when she started giving me love bites on the old chap. I thought, "ooh, this is a bit dirty!" and let her carry on. The next day I woke up with a stonking hard-on, you know, MEGA-STIFFY- the kind where you get peelback. But, I needed a wazz, so I wapped him out and, like a vicar with a quireboy, started to push him down when I saw that I had a ZOMBIE knob!
All down the shaft and even on the bell, it looked like I had knob-rot, either that or I was slowly turning into a leopard.
Love bites on the cock. Bad idea kids, don't do it.
(Mon 16th Mar 2009, 14:33, More)

» Advice from Old People

My grandad
When I was a nipper in the 80's playing on one of those legendary/shite Commodore64 light gun games, my Grandad was in the room and came out with this gem of advice:

"Three in the head and you know they're dead".

He used to be in the original Special Air Service out in Africa in WW2.

Don't know if that's a motto of theirs or not but, I'm sure I'll come in handy if I ever need to shoot someone to death.
(Thu 19th Jun 2008, 19:26, More)

» When Animals Attack

there was a time
when I saw a shark jump out of the water and eat a bloke hanging down from a helicopter. There might be photo's of it somewhere but I'm not sure.
(Thu 1st May 2008, 17:42, More)

» Darwin Awards

Shocking
When I was about 5 or 6 I decided it would be interesting to take out the bulb from a lamp,insert finger and turn on the power.
I got a fizzy crackling sound, like those that you hear in cartoons when someone gets electrocuted, and a feeling like when you hit your elbow and your arm goes all numb.
That was all.

My mother was in the other room and didn't even notice!

Although, even now I wonder whether something like Jacob's Ladder is going on and that I actually died at that moment and all my life from then up to now is just a hallucination in my brian as it shuts itself down and none of this world is actually real.
(Sun 15th Feb 2009, 17:07, More)