» Will you go out with me?

How the Gibbon got his stripes
I met my one true love just over 6 years ago. I was at a party when we were introduced. I was 17 and a little too young for her but on first impression she seemed to not mind and she certainly looked fantastic. She was lightly bronzed (Which I am a big fan of) and the thing that really struck me was her bubbly personality - but not too much to be like one of those fat, annoying types and certainly not plain or bland. We got on great and before long I knew she'd got me pretty drunk. When we parted that night I knew I'd want to see her again, and every day after that for the rest of my life. I truly believe in love at first sight.

Over the coming weeks, however, I was totally skint and going out with my mates to the pub to see her was almost impossible. She'd be there every night with other men and I was losing some prime opportunity to win her as my own. Luckily I chanced upon an incredibly cushy part-time job and so money rolled back in.

After about 6 weeks I went to the pub with my mates and got myself a pint - and there she was at the bar. She looked even better than the last time, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. I'd forgotten how sweet she could be, how warm she made me feel, and I just felt so confident when I was with her (confidence was a big issue for me before I met her). However, I'd noticed that a couple of other men had taken a liking to her, I wasn't sure if this was a problem but I decided I'd need to act fast and spent as much time with her as possible. I think we both knew that there was some sort of unique connection between us but I was still wary of the competition. Again we parted that night, and although I soooo wanted to take her home with me, it just didn't seem right.

My luck was in the day after however. I was in my local supermarket getting a few essentials when I happened to bump into her. After a little deliberation I paid for my goods and we went back to my place for some fun. I flung her cap off her head with one movement and pressed my lips against her lip. She felt so good on my lips, I just KNEW she was the one. It was over way too quickly though (time flies when you're having fun!) And by this point I was hooked. I loved her and wanted to be with her forever. Ever since then we've barely had a day apart.

Beer, I love you.
(Fri 29th Aug 2008, 10:55, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Trolling forums
So when boredom strikes between the hard work of PhD life and crying myself to sleep because I don't have a big willy, I sometimes partake upon the wonderful adventure known as trolling. For those who are unaware, trolling a forum involves making an anonymous account on a particular forum and posting controversial, confrontational and irrelevant matter in order to provoke people into getting pissed off or upset. Trolls on a site such as b3ta or similar are just annoying as we're all on here to have fun, but the real fun with trolling comes when you can do it on a forum full of stupid, opinionated people. My favourites of these are religious, anti-abortion, teen-angst-oriented music and vegan/animal liberation forums. Over the years I've had quite a few good times, some of which I shall share over the following paragraphs.

I once created an account on an anti-abortion forum. One user on this forum had posted a picture of an aborted foetus and she commented on how awful and terrible it was etc. etc. The picture was fucking scary, the thing looked like some sort of possessed zombie child. My response was thus
"Fucking hell. Seriously, if that thing was alive and chasing me round my house, I'd have no qualms about smacking it to death with a shovel. Thank GOD someone had the courtesy to abort that ugly fucker." Typical responses raged from "You monster!" to "I'm going to find out where you live and smack YOU to death with a shovel!" Brilliant.

Religious forums are excellent, particularly because they are normally full of extremely right-wing Americans who have never left their own town/state, let alone their country. The few that are not like this are hardline liberals, and I sit in the middle with a little grin whilst stirring the pot and fanning the flames. Oh, and they SERIOUSLY get intolerant and annoyed when you eventually 'admit' that you are a Muslim after days of arguments.

Teen music ones are easy, there were two girls discussing 'cutting' when they are depressed. A quick "well that's stupid, why don't you just NOT cut? That's funny" led to five pages of threats etc. One girl responded with "they can't help it, I'm an epileptic and I can't control it. Do you think that's funny?"...I picked that one out to reply to with a flashing GIF saying "You deserve a seizure for your posts"*
...that got me banned quite quickly.

But vegans/animal rights people are probably the worst for getting worked up. I think it's got something to do with the vegan diet making them cranky. They have very little comeback to the "with rights come responsibilities, when cows stop shitting everywhere and learn to use a toilet I'll agree that they are safe to walk along the street" argument, but they'll keep on and on and on until you let them think they're right. I (after a few pages of argument) eventually made a second account who came in and said "Did you know that on average 1000kg of corn contains 1kg of ground-up field mice because they are slower than the combine harvester?" and the fun starts again.

All in all, making other people upset on the internet gives me great pleasure.

*pretty sure it wouldn't have actually have caused a seizure, was too slow flashing. I'm not THAT much of a cnut. Hey, maybe I'm not going to hell after all?
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 17:42, More)

» Common

A list of things that aren't common enough:
Common courtesy
Common knowledge
Common sense
the usage of the word "tomfoolery"
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 15:19, More)

» Cringe!

Once coming home very drunk,
I stumbled into the kitchen, where my dear sweet mother was cooking some sort of mushroom couscous, and, I shit you not, it smelled EXACTLY like cum. Exactly like it.

Being the incredibly subtle drunk person I was, I promptly came out with the immortal line
"God, mum! That stuff absolutely stinks of cum!"
...which would have been bad enough. But the cringe-worthy part is my mother's reply. She took a couple of deep sniffs and replied
"Yes it does rather, doesn't it?"

I shuddered all the way to bed that night.

Length? It's normally longer but it's a little cold tonight, you understand.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 22:06, More)

» Spoilt Brats

My neghbours had a young daughter...
aside from being the snobbiest little shit you've ever met, she was also a completely spoiled bitch.

One time we were over there for a party (I was about 17, she was about 7), she broke one of her own toys and blamed her little friend, who started crying. Her parents told the other child off while the little bitch laughed. On this same day she started hitting me with a piece of metal piping on the leg while I talked to some of her friend's parents, and when I grabbed it off her, she said "It's rude to snatch! I'm telling!"

They bought her a kitten when she was 8, on which she put her mother's expensive lipstick and to whom she was generally a bit of a cunt. She'd pull its tail and pick it up by the legs, etc. She'd scream loudly at it, just to scare it. Then her parents complained when the cat wanted to seek refuge in our house.

She grew up (slightly) and as an early teenager wanted to learn guitar. Her parents bought her an expensive Fender, which she'd play EXTREMELY loudly and exceedingly badly in a shed they had down the bottom of the garden at 12-4am. Her parents didn't seem to have a problem with this. She kept this up for about 2 months and then, obviously, got bored of it because she was still shit and never picked it up again. Now my parents inform me that she's taken up the drums.

She had a load of 'friends' over for her 13th birthday, two of whom scaled our fence while drunk (aged 13 for heaven's sake) at 5am and had sex in the bushes at the back of our garden. Luckily they set off a floodlight at the end of our garden and my Dad (who was starting work early) caught them and gave them a severe bollocking before waking her parents and demanding an apology from their daughter, who'd apparently told them to do it in our garden instead of her own. Her parents made her give a rude, half-arsed "sorry" whilst she was smirking, and then wondered why my Dad thought this wasn't good enough.

But generally this girl is going to get pregnant early, end up with a cunt of a boyfriend who won't look after her cuntish sprog, and spend the rest of her days either on, or watching, Jeremy Kyle. I hate her so much.
(Thu 9th Oct 2008, 15:20, More)