» That's me on TV!

OOPs Moment on breakfast news
Picture the scene I have just got off the bus and am heading towards Reading station to catch the 6:30 am train to somwhere in the wilds of Surrey, knowing that if i don't catch this train i've got an hour to wait then I'd be really late for work.
Just I entered the station I am approached by a woman with a tape machine over her shoulder and a microphone this is stuck in my face and she starts to ask me a load of inane questions, panic is now setting in as time for departure is approaching so I say look I've really got to go but she persists, I then blurt out "if I dont catch this fucking train I am well and truly fucked you dozy mare.
I run off in direction of platform leaving a stream of obscenities in my wake.
At lunchtime my mrs calls and say priceless performance on Meridian news this morning I'm surprised it wasn't cut out she said but as it was live they couldn't do a lot except smile and apologise, I had totally failed to spot the lone TV cameraman who was connected to an OB van parked outside and had beamed the entire incident to Meridian breakfast news.
Went to the pub that evening, fuck did I get the piss ripped out of me seems most of my mates had seen it as well.

OH Bollocks
(Sun 14th Jun 2009, 15:55, More)

» Food sex

Salad Shocker
Many years ago I shared a house with 3 other guys 2 of whom were a very nice gay couple (lets call them Tim and Andy) and another guy who didn't really approve and claimed to be ultra straight, to cut a long story down to size I was working in the West Country one w/end and the gay couple went to Tims parents for the weekend leaving mr straight all alone.
I came back Sunday evening with the prospect of my w/end starting the following day so no work lets go have a couple of beers, I am at the bar when in walks Tim and Andy couple of hours later, time to go home we leave our cars and take the short walk back to the house we let our selves in and the sight that greeted us was too awful to behold, there was mr straight with his cock stuck into a sizeable melon fucking away while pleasuring him self anally with a courgette and calling out at the same time "Andy you make me so fucking horny" we stood and watched this spectacle for about 5 minutes before announcing our presence, he took flight we didn't see him for 3 days.
Took me a long time befor i could look at a melon in the same way my gay friends thought it was hilarious, because every time we had dinner they would shout "what no melon starter" courgettes were off the menu as well.
(Mon 10th Aug 2009, 17:27, More)

» Cheap Tat

cheap tat jacket
Imagine the scene, the year is 1971 I somehow had managed to survive the heady days of the sixties with my sanity and brain cells in reasonable shape, what happened next often leads me to wonder if I was not wholly responsible.
Saturday afternoon Wembley High Road walking along with then girlfriend yours truly spots the most amazing patchwork multicoloured suede bomber jacket (yes I was a fashion victim) and at a really amazing price (very cheap) I had to have it, purchase was made I looked super cool in my scarlet flares and blue cuban heel boots.
I decided to wear it there and then we then proceeded home via the pub where I could get lots of admiration and envy from my mates, we left after closing time and proceeded to walk home when we were caught in a sudden downpour and we both got completely soaked, I was young and very possibly impervious to the cold and the wet.
We were about 5 minutes walk from the house when the jacket started to get very tight around the chest plus it started to smell less of expensive leather and more like a dead goat, we arrived home and I started to unzip, the zip moved about half an inch and then stuck, the girlfriend who by this time was rolling about on the kitchen floor biting chunks out of the lino and literally wetting herself with laughter pulled herself together and managed to cut me out of the now rapidly shrinking jacket, then to add insult to injury the dye from the jacket had transferred itself to my bare arms result one red and one blue arm which took a week to wear off.
When it dried it would have fitted an 8 year old unfortunately it had acquired the consistency of a dog chew and was rock hard.
Did I learn my lesson no I went and bought another one the very next week and only wore it when the weather was nice, what a bollock brain.
(Mon 7th Jan 2008, 18:20, More)

» Failed Projects

Relocation Blues
Many moons ago I was involved with the relocation of a well known banks data centre, this bank was so cheap (cost concious they said)that it would involve the removal of some 70 odd servers to a new location,

We planned for weeks as to how we would acheive this while our bosses tried to persuade the bank that it would be far more cost effective to set up a new data centre from scratch, and copy existing data from the old centre to the new one.
They insisted that the servers were only 5 years old and still had a lot of life left in them, after all they said they were paying the bills and we had better do as we were told.

Come the big day we have a team of techies standing by Friday 21:00 data centre shuts down after all backups complete, servers are powered down techies move in all this has to be out and at the new location by 09:00 Sunday.
We work through Friday night till lunchtime Saturday catch a few hours sleep, back on the job 18:00 Saturday check nothing is left behind we have a truck full of servers racking and about 300km of cabling we all stagger home while truck goes to new location.

05:00 Sunday morning leave home to drive to new location arrive at about 07:30, every one has assembled by this time my boss marches up to the building and proudly announces that we've come to set up new data centre, security guy say no you haven't they haven't taken possesion of the building yet in fact it was doubtful whether they would.

Turns out that some twat in the banks legal dept still had the lease agreement sitting on his desk unsigned, result we all went home never heard another thing
(Fri 4th Dec 2009, 14:14, More)

» Housemates

housemates revenge
When I was at uni I sahred a house with 3 other guys, Fraser, Roger, and Martin.
Roger was the nice quiet type who kept himself to himself and didn't generally cause any problems Martin was a big hairy arsed biker from Torquay who liked to indulge in a bit of home brewing ably assisted by yours truly, Fraser was a tight fisted little scrote who kept nicking the home brew that Martin and myself had spent hours creating, one evening myself and Martin were in the uni bar when an evil plan formed in my diseased brain, how about making some wine and presenting it to Fraser at the start of the easter break.
OK kiddies do not try this at home,
Ingredients

4 ounces of senna pods soaked to extract the goodness
8 ounces dried figs
8 ounces pitted prunes
1 pound sugar
1 gallon water

This concotion was boiled up with the senna water left to cool yeast added and left to fester.
When bottled it made a very nice dry fruity wine, 6 of these bottles we presented to Fraser who then proceeded to drink 3 of them this plan was going better than we had hoped for, we were a bit miffed as nothing dramatic happened, he was half way down his 4th bottle on day 3 when he said he didn't feel well, he headed for the loo where he took up residence for at least 2 days guess what he never nicked any home brew again I wonder why.
(Sat 28th Feb 2009, 11:50, More)