» Pubs

The Stripper and the Retard
I was out seeing a good friend of mine, about an hours drive away, and it wasn't long before we were laughing and reminiscing about the good old days.

He suggested we visited a pub nearby called "The Prince of Wales", not only for their beer, but for their entertainment too ! I had a thirst on, so agreed, not knowing what the entertainment was, I was content that I was in the company of an old friend, and thats all that mattered.

The pub was a bit of a dive to say the least, pretty dark and dingy, the pool table had seen much better days, but the place was rammed - mostly with old men, or men you are likely to meet hiding in a bush. But the beer was good, so we managed to grab a table and waited for the "entertainment".

It wasn't long before music started and a beautiful buxom blonde came out, wearing a stars and stripes bikini.

It wasn't long before she was out of it too..

Jiggling about and dipping her breasts in punters pints, this girl was really going for it ! Then she climbed onto the pool table and started knocking balls into the pockets with her tits.. She really knew how to put on a good show, and it appeared she was more than a little comfortable with the dirty old men having a good grope!

She made her way to the bar, where there stood an old man, and what was quite obviously his retarded son.

Now I don't know if it was pity, or quite what she was thinking - maybe she thought, there was never going to be a chance of the lad ever having a relationship..knowing the feel or smell of a real woman..

She dipped two fingers inside her and said "Here you are.. What do you think of this"? as she shoved her wet fingers under the retards nose.

His reply, couldn't be scripted..and had the whole pub doubled over..

"SMELLS LIKE MY SISTER" he shouted.

I laughed so hard, I wee'd a little.
(Fri 6th Feb 2009, 11:31, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

Not so much done..than said..
We were doing a Christmas Party Gig for a company that had booked the band before, that bizarrely started with the MD, who had a terribly bad stutter, trying to give a speech before we played. It took him about 10 minutes just to say a few sentences, bless him.

Even more bizarre was the fact that nobody was in the festive mood whatsoever, and refused to dance all night.. except for this one old guy, that got up and started doing his thing on the dancefloor ! This'll get everybody up I thought to myself, just as the old fella keeled over and had to be carried away in an ambulance.

Finally with a few songs left, a small lady in her 40's got up and started dancing in a very strange, almost child-like manor. (I found out after, that she was a special needs).

But despite the ballet movements combined with jumps and spins, I was relieved that somebody, at least, was having a good time. (It was particularly odd that nobody had got up to dance, as we gig regularly and use the same cheesy songs that never fail to pack the dancefloor..and it left us, as performers, rather deflated).

It came to the end of the set, and over the mic, I wished everybody a very merry Christmas, and may their God go with them..well it was the season of goodwill and all that, and even if there was more life at the local cemetary, it felt like the right thing to say..and I meant it.

I got off the stage, unimpressed with the idea of packing down, when somebody came up to me. It was the ballerina lady, and she was having trouble saying what she wanted to say.. She gently held my hand, and said

"...and a ...very... Merry... Christmas...to you too"

Even now, it brings a tear to my eye. Out of a room full of misery, and self importance.. She felt the need to say those simple words.

And it meant more than any riches, and always will.
(Thu 2nd Oct 2008, 16:57, More)

» Will you go out with me?

My chat up line was.. "Lydia...Thats a beautiful name". *way to go dickhead, you could have said anything..and you fucked it up with that* slaps forehead.
I've been singing in a band for over 10 years now, and we had a gig in the beer garden of our local pub - a fund raiser for charridy.. so we decided to forgo our usual fee in exchange for copious amounts of beer!

The place was so packed, there wasn't even standing room left, and despite all being shitfaced, we played a storming set and had everyone dancing and cheering for More!

Bizarrely, I decided to tell the audience over the mic that I was single..which got a laugh, but strangely it worked, and lots of girls came up after asking to "buy a cd" oh and drop in the fact that they were single too !

But none of them really did it for me, until this one gorgeous brunette came up to me for a cd.. I was speechless.. and kind of just stared into her beautiful green eyes with my mouth slightly open.

She had 'the' most beautiful smile I had ever seen, and I swear I could feel myself blushing! No, that was just the alcohol I told myself..

She wanted a CD, so I gave her one and asked "What's your name"?

"Lydia" she replied.

*say something..anything, quickly before she walks away*!!!

"That's a beautiful name" I said.

(SPANG SPANG SPANG FUCKING SPANG, WHAT A FUCKING RETARD!! YOU COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING..BUT NO..WELL YOU CAN KISS THAT ONE GOODBYE..FUCKING IDIOT).

She smiled and said thank you and sat back down with her sister.

After I had repeatedly flushed my head down the toilet with shame, I decided to talk to her again..We sat chatting for ages..and then when she told me she was single too, I stood up with both fists in the air and shouted "YES" !
..then realised..that wasn't in my head.

She laughed again.

1 year later and I proposed on bended knee in the middle of the pitch at West Bromwich Albion 29th December in front of 25,000 people. (It made front page news on 2 local papers). And we got married july 20th this year.
(Fri 29th Aug 2008, 9:38, More)

» Faking it

Orgasms - Trade Secret.
Men can fake them too.

You tried all your best moves.. blew your wad fucking ages ago..but she still isn't there yet, and by sheer will power (or lack of):

a) managed to shoot your muck undetected
b) by some miracle kept a semi.

Thinking, "If you don't fucking come soon I'm gonna be as Limp as a dead ferret".. and then I'm gonna be busted.

Or there are times.. even us men.. where for whatever fucked up reason we just don't feel like it, but have kept a boner.. I don't know.. maybe its when you girls get a rythm going.. then stop.. then start.. then stop.. AAAARRRGGHH !!!
Eventually the cock says " Fuck this shit..I don't give a fuck how fit you are.. I'm not spitting for anybody". *sulks*

Yes our cocks can sulk.

So to make sure we ever get a chance to get our leg over again, we fake it.
(Thu 10th Jul 2008, 16:01, More)

» Food sabotage

He tried to frame me at work..
My Fat lazy waste of oxygen of a boss tried to set me up just after Christmas.

I worked hard everyday, and 95% of the time was the first to arrive and the last to leave at night. If it was quiet I would find work to do - even if it meant sweeping the warehouse floor, and when necessary, I would stop over late to load up wagons etc. Customers love me too..mainly because I know these machines like the back of my hand, so on the whole, you'd say I'm a pretty good employee.

It stems back to when I had gone to Australia on business. I'm not a seasoned businessman, and I was in the most beautiful place on the planet for 3 weeks by myself..so consequently I wasn't too hot on 'collecting receipts' to cover the 'advance' the company had given me prior to departure. But as soon as I came back I admitted it, handed in what receipts I had, and was told at the time by the 'owner' of the company to just make a list of what I had spent and it would be sorted.

9 months passed by, and often I would ask what was happening with the receipts to no reply.. so those bits of paper floated around the office.

Christmas break, and I return to work to find a letter from the boss sat on my desk.( Now, there are only 3 of us that work here) Inside it abruptly demanded the balance from the oz trip, a supposed £500 ! (9 months later.. !? Some pregnancies are faster). So I politely replied back by email pointing out that the bits of paper had been in the possession of the company for 9 months..not secured, and that I believed there must have been some lost.. (I had forgotten some receipts, but christ almighty..not £500 worth !) I also reminded him that there had been a break-in into the office November time, but I was always willing to discuss the matter.

The next day, (I have nick named him Judas) Judas stormed into the warehouse and made up a story about a heavy item falling on his leg, (I also knew the warehouse like the back of my hand and I knew there wasn't anything in the area he specified), and he consequently gave me a written warning !

I've never had a written warning in my life !

I appealed, and questioned why, such a serious accident was not written in the First Aid Accident Book?.. and you guessed it, he changed his story to "It nearly fell on him".

The next thing I know, I received a letter, (actually sent to my parents address - which really pissed me off, because my father was given 6 months to live by doctors, and quite frankly he can do without this kind of shit to think about).. The letter was from a Solicitor stating that if I did not repay the money, they would do me for FRAUD !

I was in absolute pieces. How could this be happening? I was in a job that I loved and excelled at, and now the whole deck of cards was falling down around me..

I had kept everything, and had amassed quite a bit of evidence in my favour.. including a message between Judas and the owner of the company with my name on it, listing legislation for dismissal. It seemed they had already made up their minds ! (I was particularly stunned when a customer relayed that Judas had said that I was leaving the company - before Christmas!).

So I went to a solicitor.. she said I had an excellent case, and wrote a letter stating that we would fight tooth and nail.

Relieved that I wasn't going mad, and somebody was fighting my corner for a change, I continued back to work just like normal.

To cut the story from going any longer.. I had the Owner of the company come over from the US and apologise personally, and Judas apologised too. They asked for a clean slate, and to forget it all and move forward..

So what the fuck does this have to do with sabotage?

Well, Judas and I are on (in his eyes) good pally terms, and I always make his cups of tea. Each one lovingly made with my piss.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 13:55, More)