» Kids

Golf ball
My friend was reading his two year old sprog the Princess and The Pea. So of course when she went to bed she wanted a pea under her mattress to see if she was a princess. Her poor father was woken up in the wee hours of the morning by her bawling when she discovered she couldn't feel the pea.

So being a devoted da, he palmed a golf ball and shoved it under the top sheet of her bed. She slept happily curled up on top of it the whole night.
(Sun 20th Apr 2008, 20:27, More)

» Evil Pranks

Germans
When my aged uncle was still in school he had this crazy German twunt for a chemistry professor.

At the beginning of the year the professor would give a stern lecture about "following instructions exactly" and "obeying without question." Etc.
Then at the end of the speech he would hand out test tubes full of human urine to each student. He would then tell them to do exactly as he did, and dipped his finger in the piss and put it in his mouth.

Of course the poor brainwashed students dutifully copied him, albeit reluctantly and with plenty of retching and gagging.

He then smiled his enigmatic German smile and told them they were "excellent in obedience, poor in observation--you see, I dip this finger, but I suck THIS one."

Now THAT is evil.

Edit: My uncle swears this is gospel truth--not an urban legend.
(Sat 15th Dec 2007, 0:06, More)

» Gambling

I'm a professional violinist.
My violin is a bit bushed-up and raggedy looking. This is because my great-great grandfather won it at cards in 1830, and it has been passed down the generations ever since.
If this was a story I'd go on to say that it turned out to be a priceless Strad. I wish.
Well, it's not priceless--far from it, but it has a lovely mellow tone that agrees with my sensibilities.
(It would be even better if my great aunt hadn't dropped it on the floor when she was six years old)
No idea where it came from before my relative won it though.
(Mon 11th May 2009, 22:11, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Still makes me giggle a bit.
My mate O teaches Introductory Physics to hoards of sprogs. He was explaining the mechanics of inclined planes and friction using a block of wood and a toy car.
Quoth he:
"Now, what would happen if I lubricated my wood?"

Poor man. Only after every kid in the class nearly choked laughing at him did he realize what he had said.
(Mon 16th Jun 2008, 5:25, More)

» Family Feuds

Do I ever have a story.
I have 6 aunts on my mum's side, and they are a group of the bitchiest, nastiest, craziest hags you've ever seen in your life. Now, when I say crazy, I don't mean just eccentric. I mean attempting-to-stab-your-mother-with-a-kitchen-knife-and-getting-committed type crazy. When my gran, their mother, was still alive but rather gaga with Alzheimer's and living in a nursing home, there was a daily battle to prevent them from doing something illegal/insane/cruel to her for no reason.
One of the more sane sisters was given power over her afairs, but the Hags kept trying to subvert it. There was even an (extremely illegal and pointless)attempt to spirit her away, stuff her into a plane, and hide her in one of the Hag's homes.
This, of course, didn't work, because poor gran couldn't walk on her own, became frightened and confused every time she left her nursing home room, and was very incontinent.
Their excuse when they were caught? "The nursing home is abusive--they let her sit around in her urine all day."
Actually, my gran would panic, get angry, and start hitting and screaming at the poor staff when they tried to change her clothes. That didn't stop the brave souls, and they had her washed and changed every hour on the hour, even when she bit them. Her pants were always wet on the (extremely rare!) occasions the Hags came to visit her because, guess what? She's incontinent! She gets wet immediately after they change her!
One of the staff who really didn't deserve it lost her job because of them.
When my poor gran was dying and in pain, the worst Hag of all decided she'd take the opportunity to scream at my mum and tell her all about how she ruined her childhood. With my gran dying in the room. Needless to say, half the family disowned the other half as soon as my gran died and never spoke to them again. Ever. And good riddance.

Sorry for lack of funnies, but my family is dysfunctional and sick, and it sucks.

I miss you lots gran, but the end of the road was living hell. Alzheimer's disease is a bitch.
(Fri 13th Nov 2009, 6:18, More)