» Will you go out with me?

it started with a kiss
He was dressed as Harry Potter, if Harry Potter was 22 and cute. I had come as a goldfish. Harry Potter was the best friend of my then-squeeze, the Garden Gnome. As fancy dress events go we had pulled out some but not all of the stops.

Harry Potter and I were getting drunk near the bar. It was late. It was late and it was rather odd. His dad wandered past in a grass skirt and coconut shell bikini. I kept drinking because it seemed like the right thing to do.

"How about a kiss then?" asked Harry. I obliged with a peck on the cheek, leaving a trail of gold glitter across his face.

"No, a kiss like this," sez he, and grabbed Garden Gnome in an entertaining bloke-on-bloke tongue-heavy snog that probably shouldn't have aroused me quite as much as it did.

"I'll have some of that, " I thought, and slid myself between the pair of them, magic wand on one side, fishing rod on the other. In typical drunken fashion, no one seemed to notice, and in fact their parents waved goodbye when we said we were off home for more beer.

My goldfish tail was fastened with velcro, a tip I recommend for any impromptu sexual encounters. Harry Potter was out of that uniform pretty sharpish and Garden Gnome lost the cotton wool beard along with the last of his inhibitions.

It is slightly surreal to wake up between an overgrown boy wizard and a living lawn ornament, but it's even more surreal when the lawn ornament's mother taps politely on the bedroom door to offer toast. Not as surreal though, as hearing one hungover friend explain to another that it was purely by accident that he'd licked his best mate's balls.
(Sun 31st Aug 2008, 20:09, More)

» Nativity Plays

B3ta Nativity play, Act 1
Scene: classroom, B3ta Grant Maintained Primary School. Pasta and glitter glue CDCs adorn the walls. The teacher, Mr chthonic, is discussing the forthcoming nativity play.

Mr chthonic: (soothingly) Okay. Now, let's see... Pooflake, you've been very good this year. Consistent performance, just as expected. Right, you can be Joseph.

Pooflake: Woo!

SpankyHanky: But sir! Sir! That's not fair! I got loads of Best Ofs.

Mr chthonic: Sorry Spanky, but Joseph is a very responsible post. We need a reliable type like Pooflake in that role. You can be the Innkeeper.

(Pooflake belms beams.)

SpankyHanky: (huffily) I don't want to be the Innkeeper. I want to do Mary

Mr chthonic: What was that Spanky?

SpankyHanky: I said, who is going to be Mary?

CHCB: Oh, can I be Mary, sir, can I?

Mr chthonic: No, CHCB. Mary was a Virgin. The Bible is quite clear on that.

Enzyme: Actually, sir, that's a mistranslation-

Mr chthonic: (abruptly) yes, thank you Enzyme. At the risk of typecasting, you can be a Wise Man. BGB will play Mary.

(BGB pokes her tongue out at CHCB.)

Mr chthonic: The other two Wise Men are Sexmonkey and althegeordie. We need to keep them away from the goats so they can't be shepherds. Don't let them stand next to each other. Apeloverage is a shepherd. It's a non-speaking role so we should be safe from punnage. Rakky, chickenlady and rachelswipe are angels. I've got you down as the Archangel Gabriel, PJM, but if you utter a word about unmarried mothers on benefits, I'll have your life. Everyone else is a sheep or a donkey. CHCB, you can be the narrator.

CHCB: (bitterly) I'm always the narrator.

Mr chthonic: your Norn Irish accent puts the fear of god into the others. That seems fitting.
(Claps hands) Right! Rehersals start tomorrow. Spanky, stop pulling BGB's hair or I'll send you to the Headmaster. Remember what happened last time you went to see Mr Rob? Yes, well, not another word out of you.


(Act 2 is here)

(Fri 27th Mar 2009, 15:49, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Suffer the little children
"Why has Colleague X been given a parking space?"

"Because she has children. She has to do the school run."

"And that would be why she gets her teaching scheduled for post-10am and pre-4pm?"

"Yes, she has to arrange child care."

"And that would be why she's done no research for five years, and why we have to cover for her at the drop of a hat?"

"Er, yes."

LISTEN UP BREEDERS! So you gave the gift of a child to the world. Thanks a fucking bunch. It doesn't make you special, it doesn't make you a better person, it does not give you some unique and lofty perspective on the world, and it certainly should not entitle you to a bloody car parking space. You made a lifestyle choice; deal with it. And if you ever, ever say to me "if you had kids you'd understand" then I'll unleash the paedophiles.
(Thu 24th Jan 2008, 16:31, More)

» Kids

The other night
I was on the phone to my friend. She had her first kid last summer. She put me on speaker phone so she could make the child's bottle while talking to me.

"The baby was up all night," she said, "She's teething. She nearly crawled today. She was sick over me last night. She's grown out of all her clothes."

She paused. "Are you listening to me?" she asked.

"Yeah, mostly," I muttered.

"It's because you don't have kids," she said.

"No, it's because it's fucking boring," I replied. And hung up.
(Thu 17th Apr 2008, 15:19, More)

» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

CHCB's guide to breaking up in a civilised manner
1. Meet somewhere neutral but relatively private. Public spaces mean you can't raise your voices without making a scene, so avoid those if there's likely to be more drama than an episode of Bergerac. Choose somewhere where emotions can be expressed without interruption from the public or interference from the police. Try a secluded corner of the park, or a deserted beach. Avoid libraries, the pub at closing time, or the knife aisle of TK Maxx.

2. Begin with a sensitive opening gambit, e.g. "I'm not happy at the moment, I don't think things are working between us". Look and act sensitive too. It is not appropriate to cackle.

3. Give reasons or something to allay their curiousity, e.g. "we fight all the time" or "we haven't had sex in 6 months" or "I HATE THE WAY YOU BREATHE". Keep it appropriately kind, though.

4. Make it about you, not them. Good examples of this include: "I find it difficult..." or "it upsets me when...". Bad examples of this include: "you are evil like all the others before you and I won't let you steal my soul, dammit!".

5. Don't say "I hope we can still be friends" unless a) you actually mean it, and b) they aren't trying to impale themselves on the nearest fence post out of grief. If you only want to be friends because it'll make you feel less like a dick then don't do it.

6. Cry. Nothing wrong with crying.

7. Arrange to collect belongings civilly or else write them off as a loss. Close any joint bank accounts if you're worried about revenge.

8. DO NOT TALK TO EACH OTHER AT ALL FOR AT LEAST ONE WEEK, possibly longer. No contact at all.

9. Ex-sex is perfectly permissible. It's almost compulsory, isn't it? Just leave it 'til you're further down the line and remember that the other party may be investing very different emotions into the resulting hot, frenetic nekkidness.

10. If someone new appears on the scene, for either party, it's fine to obsess over them, call them all the names of the day, diss them hugely and rant about them being a rebound thing. Just don't let your ex-partner hear you. It gets easier, and once the rebound thing has passed, you will give less of a shit about who they're with.

Good luck.

Addendum: face-to-face is the decent way of breaking up. Via text and email is po-mo and ridiculous. Via Facebook is just plain cruel.

This was another Pubic Service Announcement brought to you by the New Friggin' Messiah
(Thu 5th Jun 2008, 12:41, More)