» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

All I can say...
I am addicted to cheap late night cop chase shows... but being busted having a dangle dingling with a dungle.. well...


(Sat 14th Mar 2009, 0:01, More)

» Pubs

Having paid my way...
through uni in many pooey pubs, imagine my delight watching a proper fight... drunk very large man squares up to head bouncer, punches him in the face - hard... bouncer asks if that's all hes got... man led away...

I'm not know for my following of masculine sports, but it was the sort of punch with connection you imagine seeing in boxing/movies... with zero flinch.

I once saw a rent boy being paid off in the corner of a pub, I don't know what he had done, I decided it rude to ask, but the wadge was about 4 inches thick - I turned to my gay boss and asked him what he wanted me to do.

He told me to mop.

Hopefully that's not a missed euphemism
(Thu 5th Feb 2009, 21:56, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Bosses - Colleagues...
The host of 40 million jobs I've had since the age of 12 means I've met a fair few tossers; but also managed to work in some brilliant places, with excellent staff and bosses.

The first that comes to mind was whilst working in a stuck up bar in central Birmingham.

Now, I'm one of those people that will put my all in in what ever shitty job I have, it generally makes the time go faster.

But this one unnamed woman boss whose name still appears above the door was such a right tardy pent up ball of frustration.

Prior to working in this pub, I'd worked in plenty of others, now besides slightly different house rules, they all operate pretty much the same. So I quickly found my feet, and got to the job in hand.

Pulling pints for example, she would watch you like a hawk... often breathing down your neck her vile coffee stench breath... then commenting... always commenting, this extended to mopping, moving and arranging the fridges, polishing the bottles... and complaining about the flies that got into the red wine - and how we shoudl strain it :S...

Anyway the group of us behind the bar and down in the kitchens would have a good laugh, I still remain good friends with one of the chaps to this day.

Move forwards a few months, she starts to mellow towards me - as she realises that not only do I do an excellent job, but I am actually improving the bar, by actually cleaning the places that couldnt be seen. That were slimey with years of spilt beer (if anyone has ever worked in a bar, they will be familiar with beer sticky brown sludge)engrained with shards of glass and dropped change...

Now all was going swimingly; I was supervising and training new staff (not being paid for it though) doing the banking (which is sooo totally illegal I swear - several grand in cash on my back through the center of brum???)

Anyway I digress, she'd become complacent, although she had warmed; she was still picking up on things... and expecting me to do more and more I wasnt paid to do so...

anyway - one of my duties was to open up on a monday morning (we're shut on a sunday) so a team of 3 of us would do all the duties, cleaning lines, stocking fridges, making the place spik and span... Only this one particular monday morning, I was in alone, the other 2 called in sick... Not a major problem, but obviously I cant do everything, we'll just have to manage...

And perhaps she will get off her arse and offer a hand - my arse - she sat there, shouting at me at every action - including but not confined to mopping the floor, to sweeping the yard...

So, as anyone with half a hangover wil ltell you, dont speak to me - let alone shout.. so I walked up to her, threw my apron down - and walked out!! Stupid bint, not a quarter of what was supposed to be done was done and the pub was opening in an hour.. hahahahaha...

Slightly off qotw, but meh... 10 points for guessing the bar...
(Thu 24th Jan 2008, 17:19, More)

» Hypocrisy

Government and
or councils - they put CCTV covering supposedly every square inch of even our localist of local towns, yet fail to: 1) Ensure the quality is anything other than 1970's 15 times dubbed Marcus's German hardcore we hide in the treehouse.

2) Ever have it pointing or monitoring at any incident involving my wallet, my face and a fist or me, a bike and a car bonnet.

3) traffic cameras that can spot the registration details on a pigeons ring, cross reference that to a central database, and send out 3 point penalty notice and fine to the relevant coup.

Britain - hypocrites...
(Thu 19th Feb 2009, 23:13, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Ok so I think most of the...
bases have generally been covered here; but I feel it my duty to expand on a few points...

As a lowly student type person I have had countless bar jobs, I take pride in my work, always have done; I have worked in dumps with drunks banging on the door at 10am in North London - to swanky city center champaigne joints...

One thing in common... the landlord/liscencee what ever title you want to give the monkey, is doing the job because they are incapable of doing anything else; and more importantly they are always lying caniving cheating fruitloops...

I shall explain:

short measures... working in a bar that had millions of spirits not on the optic system meant we used the little metal cups... we were told not to fill fully...

Pints should be poured with the largest head possible.. a good inch is the ideal head.

any bar man will also tel lyou that when a barrel is changed you get fobbing on the line quite often - when it goes madly frothy - this can not be helped... although I have never served slops, at one once again up market place the bar manager used to measure the over poors (slop tray) never taking into account the fobbing from dodgy lines and changing barrels... and then charged us at full retail price for said pints...

Heaven forbid you should make a mistake pouring a spirit... that would be deducted at full retail price too...

So what did we all do... well I was good.. I would try my best, and I always refused to serve 2 hour old mistakingly poured pints to punters... usually...

however if you're drunk and being a twat dont expect your bill to be anything other than a work of fiction and your gf's jd and coke to contain anything more that vapour of spirit.

Oh and kitchens every single one has been sickeningly disgusting...

one place a freezer broke down...
no one noticed - I dont know exactly what the story was but I was handed a large plastic tray with about an inch of blood in it... covered in mold... blood mold...

You know how women moan and complain about clothes being labeled the same size but being totally different from shop to shop...

Well blame me... I used to make it up as I went along... what ever takes my fancy... once day x measure might be y the next it might be y plus a bit...

and yes... topshop is a customer.

oh and this one does make me feel guilty as the company was featured on Watchdog... but I didnt know...

Never ever buy windows from a cold call... never ever pay a deposit for said home improvements from a cold call... as you will find said company deciding to go tits up on a regualr basis and changing names, directors... offices... phone numbers... oh it wasnt called Nationwide Home Improvements either...

Oh and clothes shops mark up over 300% from wholesale prices to retail price... thats for simple stuff... expensive designer stuff has significantly higher markups... its all made in the same factories... oh and just because it says made in Italy doesnt mean anything.. it jsut means that someone called luigi sneezed in its vicinity once... when the jumper was a sheep... In China...
(Fri 28th Sep 2007, 0:18, More)