» Well, that taught 'em

thought long and hard before posting this...
because i'm still not sure how i feel about what i did...

and i apologise in advance for the length...

many moons ago, whilst betrothed to the 1st mrs blaireau (we eventually got divorced, i'm married again and totally happy with 2nd mrs blaireau and 5 month old wee baby blaireau), she and i took it upon ouselves, whilst visiting her mother for christmas, to meet her estranged father (neil) and his whore (carol) for a "bridge building pint"...

what a fucking mistake that turned out to be!!!

leaving the pub in jolly mood we accepted their invite for a nightcap chez slapper. and things deteriorated rapidly from there...

once back in her own territory she turned feral and mental in equal measure, instigating a barney of large proportions which resulted in neil (a 40 year old hard-working, hard-drinking, hard-fighting brick shit-house of a farmer) using my body as a battering-ram on the back door. quite literally!

so we left. duh.

and as we slunk off down the road i silently vowed revenge. well not so silently actually. i screamed "i'm gonna get you, you psycho cunt".
and believe me, dear reader when i tell you that i did...

6 or so months later the future 1st mrs blaireau's mother had got her divorce through and we went to help her move out of the family home to make way for the happy couple to play at families, giving blaireau (a plumber and hero of this tale) the opportunity to exact his revenge.

a wee bit of house sabotage was carried out, specifically...

1) a bag of bones and offal in the loft (courtesy of the workers at the slaughterhouse where i did my meat-inspection training when i was a student eho years ago).

2) took all the lightbulbs into the garage and smashed them against the inside of the door. also took all of the fuses out of all the appliances (including the alarm system).

3) pissed (6 times in total over 1 1/2 days) all over 3 or 4 boxes of business and personal papers.

4) loosened the electrical connections in the 2 electric showers. this would cause arcing and possibly fire!! or at least premature unit failure.

5) closed all the radiator valves so tightly that most of the spindles sheared off. none of these valves would ever be opened again. also removed the bleed-valve screws from all the rads. also sheared off the spindle of the mains stop-tap under the sink and the one in the street outside before filling the hole in the pavement with neat cement.

6) drained the hot water and central heating system before loosening all the check-nuts i could find, so when refilled a million leaks would magically appear.

7) removed screws from door hinges before carefully shutting the door. a wee present for the next person to open the door...

8) sprinkled salt inside the expensive recessed light fittings in the 2 bathrooms. salt is hydroscopic and ionic i.e. it draws water from the air leading to lots of corrosion.

9) took the washers out of all the taps.

10) super-glued all the locks (including the alarm system, again) (5 tubes!!)

and the one that clinched the deal...

11) pulled the sky dish cable through the wall about 4 inches, cut it with pliers and glued it all back in place with a nice blob of mastic, ensuring the cable ends were pushed hard up against each other so there was at least some signal, but not a whole lot.

as it turned out neil "bit the big one" a few months later, from a heart attack, whilst watchin tv.

from the day he moved back into the house he had apparently complained about the shitty reception. i'm sure there was a connection...

that fooking well tought him, aye???

length? more than he could handle, it would appear...

if you think i went too far then click "i like this!"...
(Wed 2nd May 2007, 0:28, More)

» Dumb things you've done

as usual i thought long and hard before posting this...
when i was about 10 or 11 and just finding out what fun a stiffy is...
for reasons that still remain a complete and utter mystery to me...
i pushed a 10mm steel ball bearing down the japs eye of my erect todger...
and wondered why it wouldn't come out...
for 2 days...
had to use a magnet in the end, or should that be on the end...
and got metal splinters im my cock into the bargain...
it was very frightening indeeeeeed, especially when rusty stuff came out next time i had a wank...
and you are the first people i have ever told and that was 28 years ago!!!

and in reply to the questions raised...

couldn't pee it out, wanking was so painfull you wouldn't believe and in true scaredy-cat style there was no way i was going to tell anyone what i'd done. i mean, a steel ball bearing up the japs eye? you've got to be having a laugh???

as for length, about as long as it is now, give or take an inch but i gave up measuring it years ago...
(Tue 1st Jan 2008, 17:14, More)

» Food sabotage

about 17 years ago...
whilst working at a local hotel owned by the son of my parents' old next door neighbours...

there was this guy...

who used to visit us sometimes on a sunday or monday evening...

my 2 favourite tales involve him...

he was (and is probably still) an arrogant twat...

he KNEW that monday night was Chef's night off. on a monday night he would often turn up 10 minutes before close of service, tart on arm, DEMANDING dishes from the full menu despite knowing that only a (slightly) reduced menu was on offer.

one particular monday she ordered the potted shrimp starter and shoulder of lamb with redcurrant sauce entree.
the twat ordered a DOUBLE PRAWN COCKTAIL ie twice the prawns, regular amount of salad. DESPITE there being no prawn cocktail on the menu. what a cock. for main course he WANTED the Tournedos Rossini which is basically a fillet steak on a big crouton topped with a slice of foie grasse with a sauce of demi-glace and madeirra and i can't remember what else.

this was not on the reduced menu.

which he knew.

CUNT

and he wanted it WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what a troll!

washed down with 3 bottles of cotes du rhone.

all is going well until his main course arrives on a (warm) plate that is not "hot enough". this was 'par for the course' but still annoying.

"terribly sorry sir, will take care of that" says i (wanting to cunt him in the fuck), off to kitchen, transfers rossini to salver and pops under bottom of grill to keep warm. blaireau grabs fresh "dudson steelite tm" dinner plate from hot cupboard,(seeing the red rag he was shaking at my bull!) lights twin gas ring on hob and deposits plate above flames.

fresh pan and madeira and demi-glace produces re-vitalising sauce for the now tired steak.

literally glowing-red plate (I AM NOT FUCKING JOKING, THESE PLATES ARE FORGED BY SATAN HIMSELF TO TAKE THIS HEAT) welcomes rossini with a fizz and a splutter and the fresh sauce literally FROTHS with effervescent boiling energy, cooling the plate by maybe a hundred or so degrees.

even so, as i carried the dish the 15 yards from kitchen to table i could really feel the HEAT forcing its way through the many layers of my linen serving cloth.

as i approached table 5a the twat extended his arm to recieve his plate...

"i really wouldn't recommend touching the plate, sir. it is a little hot"

twat reacts by reaching out even further, almost grasping the still fizzing platter of meaty goodness.

"seriously sir, the plate is RATHER HOT AND I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU DON'T TOUCH IT"

i manage to negotiate the plate past his grasping paw and on to the table.

"once again sir, chef (me! cos real chef is off being a dirty shagger) literally took you at your word (ie is a pedantic angry twat) and the plate is RATHER HOT"

guess how many steps i managed from the table before i heard an anguished squeel?

5?

4?

3?

2?

1!

only 1!


hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!


CUNT WITH A BURNT PAW!!!!!!




being the ever professional and ever compassionate blaireau69 i fetched him a wet cloth and some ice for his mitt.

i did manage to point out that he had been warned too, the tart agreed and he could only nod somewhat meekly...








and he left a £25 tip too!









a burning ring of fire!!!





and i also phoned da feds and got him busted for drink driving that night. they picked him up 400 yards from the hotel.



revenge is a dish best served cold?


naah, red hot is best!!



if i get enough replies then i'll post the other (very dodgy) second story about this twat!


length? it was on the gas for a full 3 minutes.
girth? about 270mm of glowing red ceramic.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 1:30, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

a number of years ago...
i had 3 student buddies all called peter, all on the same course with me, we hung out together in and out of class.

for the first 10 minutes or so the name thing caused a little confusion (i'd shout "hey peter!" and they'd all turn round) but soon we hit upon a cunning scheme...

one of the peters was called peter greene, so he became green peter.

one of the peters was the palest, most wan looking fucker you ever saw (i'm sure he was actually a bit translucent), so he became white peter.

can you see where this is going?

the third peter was from ghana and was one of the blackest black men i have ever met, so he became, that's right, yes indeed, black peter.
(ironically he told us he was rather paler than his brothers so used to get picked on at school in ghana!!)

so one day we were trotting up the stairs to the 6th floor, the 3 peters side by side a few steps ahead, when i shouted after them "oy! peter!" and green peter looked round but it was black peter i wanted so i called "oy! BLACK peter!" and indeed black peter stopped. just at the same moment a voice behind me said "that's fucking outrageous that!" commenting on my perceived racism. to which black peter replied "what should he call me? WHITE peter?"

and a second one involving the same guy...

we were all sitting in the college refectory having lunch when some (white) arsehole bumped into the back of black peters chair causing him to spill his coffee. the arsehole says "sorry brother!" to which peter replies, after seeing the colour of the guy "i am not your brother. your cousin maybe. but not your brother!"
(Sun 25th Nov 2007, 12:39, More)

» Kids

thirteen days ago...
after having to miss my weekly fix of "camp and ham" the previous night (casualty if you cannae guess!)

and after a solid 6 hours systematic-every-corner-nook-crannie-draw-box-root-and-branch search of the house i finally admitted the truth to myself.

i went out to the van and fetched makita cordless drill, 102mm holesaw and the expanding foam gun. ten minutes later i had extracted the 2 remote controls, six clothes pegs, hairbrush and 40p from the inside the bases of the 150watt floorstanding wharfedale loudspeakers in our living room...

where i knew it had been all along but hadn't been willing to face up to the thought of the damage about to happen to my prized stuff and ego and pride and ting.

i had even glued the cutouts back in wiv da foamgun and popped a rolled-up piece of wadding in each bass port to remove the temptation without removing the bass.

however i have not bothered trimming off the small amount of excess foam or tried to disguise the fact.

just so that in 16 or 17 years i can point to the speakers and ask babyblaireau (currently 17 months) if she remembers playing "post the stuff in the round hole?"









when she's got her mates round!









and revenge will be mine!









HA!
(Sat 19th Apr 2008, 10:22, More)