» I witnessed a crime

And somebody else's
Not mine but a friend's. Said friend was a hardcore Trekker. And one year he found himself at a convention in full uniform.
Since there had been reports of things going missing the con had asked volunteers to patrol the halls. Naturally this was done in full uniform, replica phaser on hip.
So, on the last night, my friend and his partner came round a corner to behold a proto-chav fiddling with the lock on a hotel room.
He saw them, panicked and legged it.

And that was when the other Trekker whipped out his phaser and shouted "Stop or I fire"

Yes, he stopped.
Yes, he put his hands up.
Yes, the guys down at the nick probably spent the rest of the night laughing at him.
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 16:51, More)

» Nightclubs

Nightclubs can fuck right off.
Anywhere that won't let me in wearing my jeans, or expects me to pay for the privilege of drinking overpriced, watered beer while surrounded by pissed-up townies and being aurally raped by music I wouldn't use to torture my worst enemy can just grease themselves up and crawl headfirst up an elephant's turdtunnel.
(Wed 8th Apr 2009, 16:45, More)

» Food sabotage

Does it count if you sabotage your own food?
I'm a really bad cook with a habit of wondering things like "What happens if you put reheated baked beans into scrambled eggs?"
(Result: Pink shit on toast and farting like a Bison for the next two days)
Then there's the time I tried tenderising a steak by putting it into a carrier bag and whacking it against the side of the house.
(The bag split on the backswing and my tea sailed off into the undergrowth.)

I may have pissed on somebody's leeks once. I'm a bit hazy on that one.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 23:39, More)

» Stalked

Hopefully she never actually noticed.
Let me take you back a decade or two to when A 19 year old Big D had just got his first ever grown up job.
One of the people he worked with was a lawyer who shall be known as "Red"
Red had flaming red hair, a smile that could melt a snowman's heart and the sort of figure guaranteed to make 19 year olds go a bit funny.
Big D, in contrast, had a mop of untidy brown hair, a smile that frightened people and the sort of figure you'd expect from somebody mostly living on lager and kebabs. Since he hadn't quite got the hang of doing his own laundry yet he probably smelt a bit funny too.
Big D made a point of trying to be in Red's presence as often as possible. (Big D probably stared at Red's backside way too much too). He always leapt at the chance to help Red in any way possible and on office pissups Big D tried to charm Red with his wit and wordly knowledge. Since he had neither this was probably never going to work.
For a while he even tried to time his exits from work to coincide with hers.
And sent Red the one Valentines day card he has ever sent in his life.

Then, at one Christmas do, Red and her boyfriend took to the floor for a dance.

There's two possible options for what happened next. Feel free to pick one that suits you.
1. Big D watches the two of them together and sees how happy she is. He realises that he probably stands no chance at winning Red's heart. He also realises that he's being a bit of a twat.
2. Big D watches the two of them together and twigs that her boyfriend is much, much bigger than him. He realises that he has probably never come closer to getting his head kicked in. And, obviously, that he's being a bit of a twat.
Not long after Big D left for pastures new.

So, either Red never actually noticed that she had her own stalker or she was incredibly patient with a weird but harmless young man. Who grew into a weird but harmless thirty-something that tries not to be such a knob these days.
(Thu 31st Jan 2008, 16:37, More)

» Voyeurism

Monsters of rock 1992
Pushing my way through the crowd I suddenly found myself in an empty space . In the centre of that space, surrounded by a ring of bemused headbangers, stood a man with his trousers around his ankles, shagging a blowup doll.
(Fri 12th Oct 2007, 21:03, More)