» Hypocrisy

good old Viz
reminds me of one of the greatest letters ever to the Viz

"I was walking along with my son in the park, when he fell over over and said 'oh bums'. 'Honestly' said a passing elderly gentleman 'bad language is the result of a limited vocabulary'

My son is four, what vocabulary does he have! Silly old cunt"
(Thu 19th Feb 2009, 12:51, More)

» My sex misconceptions

makes sense
some kid at school convinced everyone that:-

a) gay men fucked each other up the arse
b) but a homosexual shoved his own cock up his arse

yeah, yeah, i actually knew that, yeah
(Thu 25th Sep 2008, 21:59, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

posh bird's house
whilst going out with a very posh lass and having a meet-the-fucking-grandparents sunday lunch at her place...

i felt the call of nature. so i opted for the toilet upstairs (there was a choice, the house was big, piano and the lot)

after doing my business, i had managed to lay a cable so large, it poked out the top

two flushes, no joy and a desperation washed over me, there was no proletariat plaggy bog brush to mash up my monster mess

panicking, i toyed with the idea of mashing it in my hand...no, there must be something...anything to chop up the log of doom

then: a brainwave. i spied the posh towel container: a picnic basket. i snapped out a twig and Zorroed the turd into salami-esque slices. huzzah

after wiping the twig, i pondered how to get rid of it. no need, i just widdled it into the basket

then i went back to the meal, and no i didn't apologise for the length ;-)

sorry Anna!
(Sun 30th Mar 2008, 19:07, More)

» Advice from Old People

autumnal do do no no
"don't kick the leaves, there may be dog muck under there!"

thanks...way to turn innocent fun into thoughts of shite splattered on my face
(Fri 20th Jun 2008, 13:05, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

IT, well spreadsheets & databases
many many tricks:-

1) instead of developing something spartan that just does the job (RAD, rapid application development) pander to the customer's needs and give them all the whilstles and bells they need. this leads to much more scope for something to go wrong and makes it much harder for anyone else to understand
2) never put any comments in your code, as long as it works
3) make sure things run on one PC (yours!) so that nobody else can run it. a laptop is best
4) accidentally forget things like...the year changing or bank holidays... things that will arse up the db once you've left
5) leave your business card, they can hire you as a consultant for £500 a day
6) (illegally) password-protect stuff
7) if something goes wrong, make it pop up with your email address, aren't you nice!
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 13:28, More)