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notdavidbailey is living proof as to why you should never give a copy of Paint Shop Pro to a man who has all the artistic prowess of a colour blind, arthritic cockroach with learning difficulties.































Recent front page messages:

Ah well, let's drag this old chestnut out again...

(Thu 6th May 2010, 11:40, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Letters they'll never read

Dear Mr. Umbutu Mbabwe
Firstly, may I say how saddened I was to hear of the death of your Great-Great-Uncle-Twice-Removed, King Ptangwe Tgnthr the third of kettleonia. It must have been a great shock to you and your family and you have my deepest condolences at this very difficult time.

I find it absolutely appalling to hear that, in your country, inheritences can not be paid directly to the beneficiery, but must instead be cleared through an intermediate, non-related, third-party bank account instead?

Needless to say, I would be delighted to help you claim your (sic) "12.2,000,000 $ (TWELVE POINT TOO MILION DOLLERS US)". I have enclosed my full banking details below for you to make the deposit at your leisure.

Given your current situation, I could not comfortably take a commission of "sixty thouzend pounds" for providing such a small service, so please use my account with my blessing.

Kind Regards,

N.D Bailey
(Thu 4th Mar 2010, 16:31, More)

» Letters they'll never read

Dear Ms. Edith Piaf
YOUR GAS BILL IS NOW OVERDUE!

Thank you for your telephone call received on 03/03/1960. I have thoroughly reviewed your case and whilst I understand that you are currently facing financial difficulties, it is unfortunately necessary for me to obtain some further information from you before a mutually beneficial repayment plan can be finalised.

1. When asked by our customer services representative if you owed any money to British Gas, you said, and I quote, 'No, nothing at all'. This is not reflected in our records, which show that your balance is currently Fr7.53 in arrears. Please provide us with a current meter reading as soon as possible if you feel that this is a mistake.

2. When asked by our customer services representative why you had apparently not responded to any previous communications from us, you twice responded 'I do not regret anything at all'. Please confirm your current contact address and telephone number with our customer services team (number at the top of this letter) at your earliest convenience.

3. You told our customer services representative: "everything is paid, swept away, forgotten". Again, may I draw your attention to your current outstanding balance of Fr7.53. Please provide us with a current meter reading as soon as possible if you feel that this is a mistake.

4. You told our customer services representative: "With my memories I lit the fire". That may well be so, but the fact remains that it took Fr7.53's worth of gas to keep said fire going. Please provide us with a current meter reading as soon as possible if you feel that this is a mistake.

You told our customer services representative: "I am starting again from zero". Unfortunately, we are unable to write off your debt in it's entirety at this time. Please provide us with a current meter reading as soon as possible if you feel that this is a mistake.

You told our customer services representative: "Because from today, my life, my happiness, everything, Starts with you!". Unfortunately, we are unable to offer incentives to existing customers at this time. Please provide us with a current meter reading as soon as possible if you feel that this is a mistake.

Kind regards,

N.D Bailey

Funds recovery co-ordinator

British Gas
(Sat 6th Mar 2010, 21:37, More)

» Letters they'll never read

Hi Tony,
Hows it going mate? Just a quick email from your old pal Gordy to see how you're getting along? Are you still off on your travels? I bet the weather's lovely out there! Well, I'm still Prime Minister, it's cold and grey here and there's probably going to be a load of plebs getting flooded out of their homes soon. No doubt they'll expect the government to help, scrounging bastards...

I went on telly a few weeks ago and talked to that twat who used to write for one of those god-awful tabloids. I think I made a good job of it, I nearly cried a bit and I avoided all of the hard questions, just like we used to do in the old days. We've still got it, eh? Haven't we? You and me? lol

We've got one of those election things coming up soon and that Cameron bloke keeps telling me that he's going to win it. I wish you were here; then you could sort him out, becase everybody liked you when you were Prime Minister, but nobody ever likes me :-( I'm not suicidal again or anything, don't worry, honest!

Other than that, everything's more or less the same really. The economy is still a bit dicky and the expenses are still flowing like tap water but at least the media have FINALLY stopped banging on about it.

Anyway, must go. Got to go and try to look friendly, approachable and appealing for some campaign posters, that'll be fun, eh? lol

Take care mate,

Gordy
(Thu 4th Mar 2010, 18:34, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

No blood, No gore and definately no pigeons
But on one of my trips to India, I saw something that I'll definitely never forget.

Mrs. NotDavidBailey and I were walking along a dirt track near one of the many ramshackle villages that are all so common in India. Now, you may or may not know that cows are generally believed to be sacred in India, particularly in the Hindu parts, of course.

Which kind of explains why we saw one rummaging through a pile of rubbish, with a very poor looking Hindu family waiting patiently behind it. Once the cow had moved on, the family immediately pounced upon the rubbish pile and started eating all of the left over food that the cow had deemed unfit for consumption.

We gave them some money and walked on, our perception of life changed forever.
(Fri 22nd Jun 2007, 22:16, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Apart from with myself...
The worst sex I (almost) ever had was with a rather nervous girl who, as I found out the hard way, suffered from a condition called 'Vaginitis'. Or 'fridgedness' as I prefer to call it.

So, after several weeks and god knows how many hundred pounds worth of dating, we eventually make it into bed together.

The foreplay went great, if it had got any more slippery down there we would have had Torvil and Dean recreating their Olympic winning ice dance to Bolero on my crusty bed sheets right before our very eyes.

So, tactfully as ever, I slide gently on top of her and started desperately trying to pop Percy in the pothole.

But to no avail! Her little hairy honey pot had clamped itself so tightly together that you would have needed a couple of burly firemen with an engine full of car-cutting equipment to prise the bloody thing open!

Needless to say, she was rather embarrassed and I was very understanding. At least, until she fell asleep at which point I went to the loo to knock one out in order to relieve the tension.

Only to return to my bedroom to find my Dad on the landing, staring rather pot-faced at my still erect member.

Sorry for the length. Something that, at least, she can never say!
(Sun 17th Jun 2007, 20:21, More)
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