» Customers from Hell

Hello, I'm from British Gas. I'm here to read your meter...
That was my standard opening line to whoever answered the door I was stood at one summer.

Now this made for an interesting job... not only did I meet a massive cross section of society but I did so on their "home turf", plus they weren't expecting me so all sorts of states of unreadiness were found.

Some highlights if you like;

- "We've just had a gas bill, I don't want another one!"
"Well you'll be getting a bill anyway but if I read the meter it will at least be accurate instead of estimated".
"But I don't want a bill, you're not coming in."
"OK, I'll write it down as refused access then?" (For those in the know this is a black mark against your name in the eyes of the gas board!)


- Then there was the nutter... The door opened on a VERY hot summers day and there stood this lady about 60yrs old in a heavy winter coat and tea cosy hat.
"Are you here to take me to the hospital?"
"No, just to read the gas meter".
"Oh, because I think I'm supposed to go to the hospital".
My notes told me the meter was just inside the hallway and behind her I could see the small cupboard it was in. After gaining entry I then became alarmed by the fact that EVERY FUCKING INCH of wall was written on in various pens. The outpoured mental rantings of someone clearly not right in the noggin. It was like something from a hollywood film, total nut job.
After reading the meter I left sharpish, only to be pursued down the road as she called out "but we need to go to the hospital! The doctor will be cross if I'm not there!"


- Another favourite was I rang the doorbell and almost instantly the door opened to a man sitting on a small footstool in the hallway in a string vest and shorts literally polishing a shotgun.
From upstairs a lady called out "Who's at the fucking door!?"
"Some wanker from the council!" he replies, all the time staring right at me.
"No," I stammered back at him, "I'm the wanker from the gas board".
Luckily he found this amusing and let me in to read the meter... "Nice gun" I commented as I left.
"Yeah, I'm waiting for the man from the council." he replied.
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 10:44, More)

» Intense Friendships

I'm a computer programmer...
... intense friendship is anyone who talks to me. I'm good friends with the 60year old cleaning lady who empties my bin. She needs someone to talk to as well.
(Fri 28th Jul 2006, 15:10, More)

» Abusing freebies

Barclays Graduate evening
For reasons known only to themselves Barclays bank decided to organise a Graduate promotion evening at the Hilton Hotel (milton keynes) right opposite my university which was a small place.

They decided 1 or 2 A4 sized notices around the university would be plenty to notify all possible students of this event.

So 2 days later me and 2 flatmates turned up at the hotel properly suited and booted believing this to be some event where by they were looking to interview graduates for possible future employment.

They weren't.

Turns out they were trying to flog their student accounts package to us.

The attendees;
- approximately 9 Barclays employees
- 4 students, comprising 3 of us from my flat and 1 girl from the college in town.

This girl had driven to the event so remained sober. Of the other 3 of us 1 was teetotal, leaving James and I facing food and wine for approximately 50 people!

We got stuck in being social while Barclays delayed the start hopeful of late arrivals.

Then not to lose face they asked (!!?!?) if they could do their presentation. By this point (barely 30 minutes after arrival) we've each consumed an entire bottle of wine each.

We grab fresh bottles and take a seat. They go on about accounts etc but I'm not paying attention and nicely one of the helpful Barclays staff brings James and I 2 more bottles of plonk after 20 mins of presentation as we've run dry.

At the end they ask for any questions, as you can imagine from 4 bored students there were none.
SO, off goes girl from the college and our Tee total friend leaves too.

So now the poor Barclays staff are stumped. They have 2 semi pissed students and A LOT of freebies, wine, food etc.

As my car was in the car park they put plenty of sandwiches etc in my boot and decided to leave. James and I retire to the presentation room with yet more wine.

By the time the hotel staff wanted to close the room we were pretty far gone.

So of course we went to the bar to finish what we could.

By the time 3am rolled round James and I were on different planets. He heads off walking and I don't even make it out of the car park (on foot!). Together we put away nigh on 20 bottles of wine (I was a very heavy drinker back then!).

James stops for a wee in the field (which was a short cut home) only to keel over backwards creating a fountain of pee which rains down on top of himself and his suit, meanwhile the back of the suit is crusted in mud.

I realise I have no hope of walking the 1/2 mile home and crawl to the back seat of my car to rest. I stick my feet out the window and begin eating voluvents and sandwiches, chucking anything nasty out the window.

Roll on 6am and the first rays of sunshine rouse my slumber. I pull myself up, push open the car door to discover a molehill of half eaten snacks. The movement of someone in the car park certainly surprised the duty security guard in his little gate house who proceeds to watch me wobble across the car park and head for home.

Eventually I went to lectures for the day and got home about 5pm. Nobody had seen James and his girlfriend comes looking for him. A little voice pipes up "I'm in here", where it emerges he's spent about 18 hours curled round the toilet being very ill.

Anyway, needless to say I had no intention of using or working for Barclays it's just how can a student turn down an offer of "FREE WINE"???
(Thu 8th Nov 2007, 18:09, More)

» My sex misconceptions

Great advice...
... when your bent over and the doctor is examining your prostate, just make sure he doesn't have BOTH hands on your shoulders.
(Fri 26th Sep 2008, 17:47, More)

» Pet Stories

Kitty cam...
I once knew a girl who's cat was fascinated by her computer webcam, sometimes though it was quite irritating....


(Wed 13th Jun 2007, 16:12, More)