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» Dates Gone Wrong

Many years ago I had a bird that had a bar through her nipple
She was proper into dried fruit. Like a dried fruit maniac. She was mental for those mixed bags of nuts and dried apricots and all sorts.

Anyway, relevance is irrelevant at this point of the story. My missus had a cracking pair of knockers and I always thought that having one done and not the other kind of made her walk with a bit of a limp, so she was going to get the other one done, as we walked into the tattoo parlour she dropped her dried apricots and dates....shock fucking horror! I tripped over and fell straight onto the machine that puts holes in you, I tried to take control but it had a mind of it's own and I ended up piercing my own mouth.
(Thu 4th Sep 2014, 21:16, More)

» Lego

I have created a shoe made out of Lego
So when you step on it it doesn't hurt, you just get taller.
(Tue 29th Oct 2013, 22:23, More)

» Winging It

Best Man Speech
Many years ago now I was asked by my best mate to be his best man, in all honesty I was young probably about 22 years old, I drank a lot we dabbled rather often like in illegal substances (it's not big and it's not clever). The point is I was not exactly the most reliable person.

I did all the other prerequisites for a best man, organised a completely substandard stag do (mini bus to Liverpool city centre which resulted in most of us spending the night in cells).

It was a few weeks before the wedding and my and my mate went for a pint and we discussed the best mans speech, it suddenly dawned on me I had forgotten all about it, we had been friends for years and I just imagined that I would say a few bits off the top of my head and get away with it, then he told me that that's gonna be the focus point for everyone (he is in the army and a lot of squaddies were going to be in attendance).

Even the day before the wedding I had nothing, that night I got totally trashed with his squaddie mates and him, we say at about 4am and wrote what could possibly be the single most offensive piece of literature since the bible.

The day arrives, seriously hung over, start drinking very early and dabbling.

The moment comes, I stand up, I check my pocket the speech is there....relief....I open up the paper to see the compete and utter scrawlings of a drug fuelled alcoholic binged brain. Indecipherable characters that looked like something that would be found in a pyramid, huge CDC's all over it including the back that the whole crowd could see.

I paused, stuttered, took a deep breath and absolutely fucking nailed it. Well that's what everyone said. I can't even remember what I said at all, not one thing, but everyone bought me lots of drinks later including the father of the bride (phew) and patted me on the back and said it was the funniest thing they have ever heard.
They may have been lying but I don't care.

Does that count as winging it?
(Thu 28th Mar 2013, 15:07, More)

» Messing With Their Head

I work with a guy called Steve. Steve is a very quiet chap but he has his moments of what I personally like to think of as genius.

Steve works in an office with a woman who is a complete pest. Total pain in the arse. Not only is she completely useless she's annoying with it, speaks with her mouthful, talks over you all the time, doesn't understand the concept of having a conversation requires there to be times when her mouth isn't moving.

This lady likes to make lots of personal calls on her mobile that can last an hour sometimes. These calls are a constant source of annoyance for the people that share the staff room with her. Steve has taken it upon himself that almost every time she is making one of these calls he stands up after a few minutes goes to the staff room door for a minute, pretends to have a conversation with someone, calls the ladies name and he is waved away while she finishes her conversation. When she hangs up and asks who was at the door he says "oh I didn't get a name, he was tall scruffy looking" or something similar to this.

She then spends the entire day stopping any student that vaguely matches the description given. She will continue to look for this person for a couple of days and then she just assumes it mustn't have been important. Until the following week when the imaginary student turns up again.
(Sun 19th Apr 2015, 16:41, More)

» Spoilers

Terminator anti spoiler
I am 14 years old.....terminator is on the TV, back in the day of VHS tapes.

I beg and plead to my mother to let me stay up and watch Arnie go sick on Sarah Connors ass (would deffo pay to actually see that) alas she says no and sends me to bed but promises she will tape it.

I wake up the next day the anticipation of watching the end of terminator is killing me.

I put the tape in I watch it. It's epic. Eyeball removed using a scalpel, bombs made using what looks like plasticine, the works I am fucking loving it.

I turn 18 many years later, I get around to watching terminator 2 judgement day (probably the best sequel ever made apart from aliens) I am struggling with the film cos I don't know who this long haired squeaky voiced cunt called John Connor is supposed to be. I realise eventually he's the dykes son, Kyles son.....,

I decide many years later I want to watch terminator and it gets to the scene in the motel......the scene my mum used THE FUCKING VHS TO PAUSE IT THROUGH THE SEX SCENE I thought that John Connor was like the messiah (a very naughty boy) a virgin conception. Argued for fucking years that that's what the whole film is about only to ring out later that Sarah Connor fucked a tramp that got sent back in time with no fucking weapons cos apparently you can't send metal back.......but you can send a whole fucking metal machine back.

My mum is a spaz.

You are a spaz.

Tl:dr - I thought John Connor was Jesus.
(Fri 7th Jun 2013, 23:53, More)
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