» Impulse buys

kntting armadillo
There was a really cool old bric-a-brac/antique shop up where i live, i used to go in and peruse the nonsense that he had for sale.

Then one day i saw the holy grail, not literally, but metaphorically. It was the skin of an Armadillo, with its tail meeting its nose to form a rude handle. the rest of thebody shell now formed a basket that was lined with silk. It was bizarre, weird, awful and magnetic. I had to have it.

He told me it was for holding wool while knitting....now, i don't knit and i don't know anyone who does..But such trivial facts where not gonna put me off.

Price was sought, haggled over and agreed on. It was now mine.

It generally horrifes all who see it. But thats because they are soft cunts

Armadillo wool basket, i love thee!
(Thu 21st May 2009, 13:44, More)

» Puns

What kind of bees can you get milk from?
Boobies.




*runs*
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 13:11, More)

» Unemployed

Liquid paper, liquid lunch.
A LOT of my unemployed days were spent up at my 'friends' house, Craigy "coonta" Sommerville. The olive skinned result of a liason between a malaysian sailor and a very white scottish strumpet.

He had other comedy nicknames, such as - Lamborghini Coontach, and Paula Abdul to name but a few. He never seeemed to mind, incidentally.

He was also the most profilic, bare faced liar you ever had the displeasure to meet, however, he had a 4 bedroom detached villa and it was empty, all day, every day.

Anyway, i arrive at his place, intent on a day packed with Going For Gold, The Perishers and vast amounts of inhalants.

Oh yes, kind reader, in my youth i danced with the devil, in a big way.

On this day our cups truly did runneth over. Not only did we have the usual lemon air freshener, special cancer edition, but we had a few bottles of the old Tippex and it's even nastier sister, Tippex Thinner.

So, we decanted the evilness into a crisp packet and started huffing, and huffing, aaaaaaaand projectile vomiting, all over the bathroom floor.

Now, this wouldn't have been that bad, had we not just consumed a family sized tin of Heinz Tomato Soup, each. The resulting slurry must have looked exactly like blood, because Coonta started jibbering and freaking out big time. Staggering about the place like the pathetic cunt he was, but not as pathetic as me. Lying there, gurgling and bubbling red effluence.

Eventually he smells the stomach soup and decides i'm not dying. However he does have the problem of a half litre of bile and tomato soup to contend with.

My head is fucking BOUNCING and i genuinely think i am going over to the other side, tunnel vision kicks in and i nearly piss myself.

All the while i can hear Henry Kelly quizzing non UK Nationals about the birthplace of Shakespeare.

Sven from Norway eventually guesses correctly.
(Mon 6th Apr 2009, 16:27, More)

» Hypocrisy

DON'T show me your tits
Why is that woman, or the vast majority of, take the time, and the effort to dress themselves in such a way so that their boobies are 'on display'. Then have the gall to be outraged if they catch you ogling the goods.

WHAT?

On a night out, a girl who resembled a chinese hobbit was wearing.....no.....had a top dangling from her tits, and they were just there, in all their pasty glory.

Now, i didn't have any sexual interest in her or her albino puppies, but whilst talking to her, your eyes were drawn to the spongey vista. Mid-conversation she said, not in an annoyed way, but said none the less, something along the lines of 'yeah, once you stop looking at my tits'....

I told her to shut up and cover them up then, she laughed, i laughed, but i hated her from that moment on.

What is it all about. What if men had the desire to dress in such a way that they revealed a bit of ball sack or veiny bangstick and strutted about proudly waving their 'attributes' for all sundry to see. Surely they would be hoping to draw attention to it, HOPING that someone would be ogling their wares.

Why can't woman just keep their tits under their jumpers, after all, 'the unknown' is the greatest turn on of all.
(Fri 20th Feb 2009, 17:16, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

Honestly, this isn't about me....
I worked with a young guy, younger than me, and during quiet spells we would regale each other with tales of excess and stupidity. Within a few days it became apparent that he liked the company of older woman........much older.........as old as possible. He wasn't a bad looking guy and probably would have had no trouble obtaining some youthful snatch.

Anyway, after several tales of granny grabbing and what not and him wanking over the 70 year old woman who lived next door....he came out with a tale that defied comprehension, but to be honest i believed every word.

On pulling some 50+ horror bag at the local meat market, he heads back to hers to consummate their undying lust. Whilst there the talk turns to fantasies...She asks him his and he tells her he would love to piss all over someone.....so she pops herself in the bath and he duly drapes her with his golden rope. Much to her delight i may add, even so much as she slaked her thirst with a few mouthfuls of his essence.

Then its her turn...she confides that is has always been her fantasy to suck a guy off while she is having a shit. Yes, you did read that correct. So, being the dashing young gent that he is, and not one to renege on a deal, he obliges. So its a short stagger from the bath to the throne, where she assumes the position. She starts to gobble his pissy fuck stick with much vigour, and by all accounts he's enjoying it....then the straining begins and she delivers a brown trout into the bog. He is still enjoying the moment until that is the smell wafts up from between her legs and immediately turns his ardour to dust.

He withdrew his limp cock and made straight for the exit, via his clothes.

The dirty cunt then confessed that he actually liked the whole episode and was keeping his eye out for her whenever he went out.....

Sweet Jesus
(Thu 4th Dec 2008, 16:53, More)