» Being told off as an adult

Tailgating
I was driving down the M11 very early one morning in my artic, far too close to the artic in front. I was tired, but it isn't an excuse.
Anyhoo, Plod lit me up and pulled me over. Instant acknowledgement of crime and fervent grovelling. He grunted, and then said this:

"Do you carry a picture of a loved one on you, sir?"

"Er, yeah"

"May I see it please?"

Hoick out piccie of LittleScars, who was about 3 then.

"Try and imagine the look on her face when she hears her daddy isn't coming home. Drive safely , Sir".

Size? I could 'ave crept down a mousehole.
(Mon 24th Sep 2007, 16:45, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Not spoilt any more, oh no!
Our child is now the nicest person you could hope to meet, but 7 years ago it was VERY different.

Ever wondered why spoilt brats get like that? I'll tell you. Have kid late after years of trying, then Dad proceeds not to rock the boat while Mum is spoiling child because he likes living under a roof, then let it all get really out of hand by working insane hours to keep up with demands for unnecessary crap.

It all came to a head on a holiday abroad. After Mum spent 2 HOURS to get child out of bed, offering her food from a kneeling position, having it spat back at her, I'd had enough.

"I'm going for a shave. When I get back, she will be up, dressed, and eating at the table. You will not help her. You will instruct her. I married a woman, not a slave to a fucking little bitch. Yes, LittleScars, I mean you. (Howls) If it doesn't happen, I will cycle to the nearest station, get to Paris, take the Eurostar home, and the first one there changes the locks. Ten minutes, starting now."

I've been scared before and since, but never like that. Still, I got back, LittleScars was eating nicely, MrsScars was pale but calm, I nodded at both of them and we started our new life.
(Thu 9th Oct 2008, 21:45, More)

» Impulse buys

Buying freedom and champagne.
Lost my Mum last year, as often happens with people in their late 70s. I'd rather have her than what she left behind, but it came in handy.

On Friday the 13th, my bank sent me my balance by text. Normally this would read some improbable negative figure. This time, it read something else.

There were 5 figures. The first one was 6. I went into town, to the proprietors of my debts: mortgage, car loan and credit card. (I did try doing over it t'interweb, but this produced big red screens and phone calls from my bank). After much buggering about I possessed 3 pieces of paper, all with zero balances.

On the way to the bus station I bought a paper and 2 magnums of champagne. That evening me and MrsScars made ourselves proper poorly in Mum's memory.

Length? £50K before lunch
(Fri 22nd May 2009, 12:06, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Horizontal parcels.
My wife works in a nursing home, and one night while I was waiting to collect her, the undertaker's van arrived.

As the paperwork involved with a death is involved, I assumed that beloved wouldn't be out for a bit. Indeed, the deceased appeared before she did, in the form of a long plastic parcel on a coffin trolley.

My daughter, 2 and a half, was in the back. She pointed at the trolley and said:

"Poorly?"

"No dear, dead."

"Proper poorly!".
(Thu 28th Feb 2008, 18:36, More)

» Family Feuds

Not mine, but contains classic quote
Years ago I went to a wedding, invited by a guy I was at Uni with. He was the best man and the reason he asked me was he needed someone to "babysit" the groom's sister.

Apparently this woman hadn't spoken to her brother for years, but in the interests of family togetherness she'd been invited to the wedding.

It didn't go well. The sister was quite obviously a loon: scarred wrists, vibrated like a tuning fork, smoked like a chimney. Charm didn't work, so I just kept distracting her with drink.

Bad idea. After more white wine than you'd think someone who weighed six stone could swallow and live, she started telling me things.

Things like: she'd always fancied her brother. Things like: they'd married in secret in South Africa (WTF?) Things like: he'd raped her when she was 11. (Which would have been something, as she was 6 years older)

By this time I was dripping with cold sweat. I caught the senior bridesmaid's eye and mouthed "Help!".

We got her out, just before she proceeded to chuck up all the wine. There was then a long tearful rant, followed by more hurling, and then she passed out.

The following week I got a letter from the groom. After the thanks for keeping her quiet, and the apology for putting me through it, came the classic line: "What you have to remember is that (X) is madder than a meerkat with a snake up its cunt".

I have never ever dared use that line.

Apologies for length.
(Thu 12th Nov 2009, 20:11, More)