Couldnt resist
and its probably the most likely way to get em to quit that pesky underage sex... (Why did I get hardly any underage sex? I remeber when all this were nowt but fields....)..



Go on, click 'i like this' You know you do you sicko
(Wed 29th Nov 2006, 21:33, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

ok so ill take the plunge
As you all seem to be bearing your sordid moments. Here is my shameful and never before told age gap story.

rewind to , ooh, 1997? Age 17.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little shamen is shipped off to live with his dad who is working out in Russia. But not anywhere classy like Moscow (which in 1997 was still pretty dire), no I'm shipped off to ex communist central asia. A country which borders where Borat hails from, where cigs cost about 5 pence a pack and where the president was known for boiling the odd person now and then. How quaint.

I soon found out that compared to the locals, we were fucking loaded. Score. You can imagine the Russian girlies in the local dive nightclubs were just screaming for an exit visa and saw me as the ticket. Much fun was had while it lasted. But I digress, thats not the meat of this story.

About a year and a half into this, we realised after a few small fires that the wiring in our house was shot. Not trusting the local "its OK, just put wire in socket, he works" school of electrical engineering, dads company shipped out two sparkies from, of all places, Birmingham. So, with having some english company out there with us, me, dad and the two sparkies did what us brits do best abroad. Get pissed up, get lary and shag the locals.

One night we were in the club, dad was so trashed he had to go home, with our driver propping him up on the way to the car. The sparkies and I decided to keep on trucking. Closing time was 5 am, you see. After copious amount of the local vodka, which is more akin to perfume if you ask me, things start getting cloudy. I remember the sparkies brought over three "women" whom though my vodak tainted goggles were still dogs, but still within the do-ability scale. At this point alarm bells should have been ringing. To even detect a hint of old dog after that much voddy is asking for trouble.

There was more drinking, dancing, this much I remember. then there is a bit missing. Next thing I recall, im back at the sparkies guest house, in the spare room alone with one of the .. ahem.. ladies. Much noshing on the big chap occurred, then the beast with two backs emerged. I recall not being able to get anywhere near coming unless I closed my eyes.. WHERE THE FUCK are my alarm bells at this point? On fucking holiday in the bahamas the bastards.

When I pulled out to spray the man batter everywhere, the protestations from her were loud and many so it was clear that cum inside was quite OK. Again, where the FUCK are my alarm bells - im fucking a dubious old girl on the other side of the world in some poor ass country, with no rubber on my cock. And she wants me, the (compared to the locals) rich young foreign guy to shoot inside her.

So I did what any responsible, horny teenager would; pumped her full of it and promptly fell asleep.

Fast forward to next day. Its light, and all I see is colours and all I feel is pain. Oh hold on, eyes closed. Best open them.

OH FUCKING HELL. close eyes close eyes close eyes. gouge eyes out gouge eyes out. Memories come flooding back. open eyes again. Realise I have just shagged someone who is easily old enough to be my grandmother. gotta be 60's at least. The wizend old face staring back at me cracks a smile to reveal, in true central asian style, a grill full of gold and frankly some of last weeks dinner.

I bolted to the bathroom, bleached every inch of my body and would not emerge until she was gone. I scrubbed my poor self RED raw. As the community was so tight knit out there, EVERYONE knew what I had done. All the people at the factory, the town, the nightclubs. No cute local girlies would come near me again, even to get the chance to get that nice exit visa.

So there, thats my story of my age gap fuck. I guess I was out there on the frontier for the good of humanity that night. Thankfully the doctors have reassured me every year since, I dont have cock rot or any other such transmitted bug, which is a miracle considering the local population. Never saw or heard from her again. I suppose the good thing was the chances of pregnancy were about 0% as she likely did the menopause last century.

What the doctors cant do for me though, is get rid of the memory which will haunt me to my grave.

Those brum sparkies set me up, the cunts.
(Thu 11th Dec 2008, 7:29, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

oops
I work on a financial transaction network, a few years ago I made an upgrade to one of our external settlement links. 3 months later, I noticed every transaction we had processed on that link, had in fact been billed at zero pounds due to a slight 'oversight' on my part during the upgrade. We are talking losses in the double digit millions. Career ending brown trousers time. I could taste the greasy air and was rehearsing my best "would you like fries with that sir?"

Oh how we laughed when the card/settlement provider said "Thats ok, we will pretend it never happened. Heres the money"
(Thu 25th Oct 2007, 22:17, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

fence
Picture the scene.. 12 years old .. brand new mountain bike .. showing it off to friends. Gave one of said friends a 'backie' (they sit on the seat, i pedal standing up). Came down a hill, which had one of those zig zag special ramps for bikes to go up and down. Decided to do the usual rear brake skid into the corner. Pulled left brake hard. I was rewarded with the satisfying sound of brake cable snapping, which gave my mind just enough time to contemplate the situation before I barelled straight into a fence with enough inertia to do an asteroid proud.

Balls made contact with handlebars and face made contact with fence. Second most painful experience. Barely had enough time to register the pain before I realised friend was behind me and had not hit yet... then came first most painful experience.
(Tue 18th Jul 2006, 19:38, More)

» Stupid Dares

i was dared to make a small fire....
on top of the rather large haystacks. Me being 10 at the time, the other lads being a bit older, I decided it was a good idea to follow up on the dare.

Result?
Fire engines from 3 counties
Front page of the local rag
Plod interview
Police Caution

Never liked police. Cunts.
(Tue 6th Nov 2007, 1:15, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

forgot this one...
Must have been about 20. After a weekend of no sleep, free E, free base, free ket and copious amounts of weed, I recall seeing some interesting things. One that sticks out is when I saw a poem,carved in stone, in an unknown language. Somehow, I knew the poem was about my life and i was amazed at its beauty. When I eventually came round, my friends were a bit freaked as I had apparently been talking in a language none of them recognised (2 people were asian, 2 were arabic, the rest were well educated). To this day, I only remember one symbol from the writing - I have been told that in japanese it is called 'utsumagi.'

Major trip or a connection to something deeper? Who knows ;)
(Sun 18th Dec 2005, 23:56, More)