Profile for PhillieJoe:
Hello - my name is Phil. I like watching people shower. I sometimes dig holes in my garden. I kick dogs. Given the choice, I'd happily drown anyone over the age of 60. I sometimes sneak into your bedroom and put your underpants over my head as I eat cheese and gravy from your fridge. I don't always clean up after myself. I hang around graveyards looking for grieving young ladies to stalk. 'Weekend At Bernies' was based on true events in my life. I regularly shoplift. I've made thousand of pounds from selling my body on street corners around football grounds. I volunteer at the local orphanage, and work part-time researching incurable diseases. I killed your first pet cat.
This is me, I went to france once, i got burned or something and didn't like it.
My wife Keza
My daughter Akira
A real life working lightsaber I made
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
[read all their answers]
- a member for 5 years, 1 month and 27 days
- has posted 93 messages on the main board
- has posted 39 messages on the talk board
- has posted 244 messages on the links board
- (including 12 links)
- has posted 168 stories and 822 replies on question of the week
- They liked 140 pictures, 39 links, 0 talk posts, and 47 qotw answers. [RSS feed]
- Ignore this user
- Add this user as a friend
- send me a message
Hello - my name is Phil. I like watching people shower. I sometimes dig holes in my garden. I kick dogs. Given the choice, I'd happily drown anyone over the age of 60. I sometimes sneak into your bedroom and put your underpants over my head as I eat cheese and gravy from your fridge. I don't always clean up after myself. I hang around graveyards looking for grieving young ladies to stalk. 'Weekend At Bernies' was based on true events in my life. I regularly shoplift. I've made thousand of pounds from selling my body on street corners around football grounds. I volunteer at the local orphanage, and work part-time researching incurable diseases. I killed your first pet cat.
This is me, I went to france once, i got burned or something and didn't like it.
My wife Keza
My daughter Akira
A real life working lightsaber I made
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» Faking it
I am a robotics genius (or so the Japanese think)
A few years ago as a fresh faced graduate I a got my first “proper” job in a secondary school. The school was run by a power hungry bastard who got a bonus for keeping staff wages down, hence my starting wage of £11,100 per year for an IT Tech with a degree. Oh well I thought, I needed the experience and as it turns out having the three years there did help me get my current B3ta friendly job on much more cash. However my faking story changed my life for the better.
One of our senior management people had witnessed an Australian school build a cheap and cheerful robot that could be controlled over the Internet. He stated getting ideas. In October 2005 he came to me and said “Phil (for that is my name) I started a collaboration project with a Japanese university promising them that our school had built a robot that could be controlled over the Internet” “Oh” I said “Why would you tell them something like that” “well” He replied “I saw the Australians make one and thought our students could do it too.
Now I digress here to explain why this was a stupid thing to say. The town I live in has one of the the highest teen pregnancy rates in the country. The school I worked at was in the bottom three schools in the county. It was a school of thieving little shitbags. Robot building was never going to happen.
Sooooo back on track. He tells me that it needs to be controlled over the web and that a replica Mars landscape will be created and the Japanese will attach a drill to the robot and drill around.
“So Phil you know IT right? Build it for me”
“Ummmmm I don’t really know much about robots how long do you have”
“It needs to be done in about 4 weeks so I can fly to Japan for two weeks and show it off to them”
Coals to Newcastle I thought. “Four weeks, sorry it’s just not enough time”
“I’ll take you with me!”
“Four weeks it is then, but I’ll need an open ended budget”
“Done”
Of course I really know nothing about robots so I type “WiFi enabled robot” in to Google and come up with a company in Canada run by Chinese people who build robots with WiFi. I ordered one for about £2000 and had it sent over. I took off all the labels and used the schools laser cutter to make vinyl logos of both the schools and stuck them on instead. A quick mess about with the control program in VB removed the company’s logo and put in the schools logo. Set up a web vpn, called the Japanese and they were soon remote controlling our computer that in turn controlled the robot “that I built”
So three weeks later I am on a plane to Japan. I have an 11 hours flight to explain to the students “how they built the robot” so when they gave their speeches they would sound genuine. At this point they had never even seen the thing.
It was so high tech that there was no way that we had built it. It had sensors for everything, auto patrol made, returned to its charger if it went flat, it could detect human presence and tell you how many people were in a room. It looked fantastic. They were NEVER going to believe we built it.
So we landed in Kyoto and were driven off to our accommodation. We were there for two weeks and were treated like kings and queens. Everything was amazing and it truly changed me as a person (but that’s another story) When I went shopping with the Yen I’d scraped together they wouldn’t let me pay for anything, I was followed around by three guys who just kept buying me stuff.
Then it came to it, a half day of sharing projects.
The bloody thing didn’t even work properly.
BUT they were impressed, VERY impressed. They started rethinking their drill to make it better because of how well we had built this thing.
After the two weeks of sightseeing and half a day of work were over we flew back, later that year the Japanese flew over to get some more details on it so they could make their drill. Then a year after our original trip we were invited back for another two weeks. So we did it all again. Took it over and pretended we had built it. They paid for everything. I got yet another “Once in a lifetime” trip and two weeks off work paid in full that didn’t come out of my holiday because I was technically at work. This time it went over even better because I got it working.
When we got back we were in the newspapers over there and over here. I was pictured with the robot and hailed as “The schools own Robotics Expert” Yeh right on 11 grand pah. It opened doors for me and now I have a much better job on much higher pay.
So there you go, I spent someone else’s money and faked my way to 4 weeks in Japan on full pay, everything I tried to buy paid for, food and accommodation paid for (expensive restaurants every night) and had some amazing stuff to put on my CV and a great reference and newspaper clippings to back it up.
The robot now gathers dust as no-one can use it, it never got a drill attached.
I still know fuck all about robots.
No Apologies for length it was the best time of my life.
(Fri 11th Jul 2008, 9:55, More)
I am a robotics genius (or so the Japanese think)
A few years ago as a fresh faced graduate I a got my first “proper” job in a secondary school. The school was run by a power hungry bastard who got a bonus for keeping staff wages down, hence my starting wage of £11,100 per year for an IT Tech with a degree. Oh well I thought, I needed the experience and as it turns out having the three years there did help me get my current B3ta friendly job on much more cash. However my faking story changed my life for the better.
One of our senior management people had witnessed an Australian school build a cheap and cheerful robot that could be controlled over the Internet. He stated getting ideas. In October 2005 he came to me and said “Phil (for that is my name) I started a collaboration project with a Japanese university promising them that our school had built a robot that could be controlled over the Internet” “Oh” I said “Why would you tell them something like that” “well” He replied “I saw the Australians make one and thought our students could do it too.
Now I digress here to explain why this was a stupid thing to say. The town I live in has one of the the highest teen pregnancy rates in the country. The school I worked at was in the bottom three schools in the county. It was a school of thieving little shitbags. Robot building was never going to happen.
Sooooo back on track. He tells me that it needs to be controlled over the web and that a replica Mars landscape will be created and the Japanese will attach a drill to the robot and drill around.
“So Phil you know IT right? Build it for me”
“Ummmmm I don’t really know much about robots how long do you have”
“It needs to be done in about 4 weeks so I can fly to Japan for two weeks and show it off to them”
Coals to Newcastle I thought. “Four weeks, sorry it’s just not enough time”
“I’ll take you with me!”
“Four weeks it is then, but I’ll need an open ended budget”
“Done”
Of course I really know nothing about robots so I type “WiFi enabled robot” in to Google and come up with a company in Canada run by Chinese people who build robots with WiFi. I ordered one for about £2000 and had it sent over. I took off all the labels and used the schools laser cutter to make vinyl logos of both the schools and stuck them on instead. A quick mess about with the control program in VB removed the company’s logo and put in the schools logo. Set up a web vpn, called the Japanese and they were soon remote controlling our computer that in turn controlled the robot “that I built”
So three weeks later I am on a plane to Japan. I have an 11 hours flight to explain to the students “how they built the robot” so when they gave their speeches they would sound genuine. At this point they had never even seen the thing.
It was so high tech that there was no way that we had built it. It had sensors for everything, auto patrol made, returned to its charger if it went flat, it could detect human presence and tell you how many people were in a room. It looked fantastic. They were NEVER going to believe we built it.
So we landed in Kyoto and were driven off to our accommodation. We were there for two weeks and were treated like kings and queens. Everything was amazing and it truly changed me as a person (but that’s another story) When I went shopping with the Yen I’d scraped together they wouldn’t let me pay for anything, I was followed around by three guys who just kept buying me stuff.
Then it came to it, a half day of sharing projects.
The bloody thing didn’t even work properly.
BUT they were impressed, VERY impressed. They started rethinking their drill to make it better because of how well we had built this thing.
After the two weeks of sightseeing and half a day of work were over we flew back, later that year the Japanese flew over to get some more details on it so they could make their drill. Then a year after our original trip we were invited back for another two weeks. So we did it all again. Took it over and pretended we had built it. They paid for everything. I got yet another “Once in a lifetime” trip and two weeks off work paid in full that didn’t come out of my holiday because I was technically at work. This time it went over even better because I got it working.
When we got back we were in the newspapers over there and over here. I was pictured with the robot and hailed as “The schools own Robotics Expert” Yeh right on 11 grand pah. It opened doors for me and now I have a much better job on much higher pay.
So there you go, I spent someone else’s money and faked my way to 4 weeks in Japan on full pay, everything I tried to buy paid for, food and accommodation paid for (expensive restaurants every night) and had some amazing stuff to put on my CV and a great reference and newspaper clippings to back it up.
The robot now gathers dust as no-one can use it, it never got a drill attached.
I still know fuck all about robots.
No Apologies for length it was the best time of my life.
(Fri 11th Jul 2008, 9:55, More)
» Family codes and rituals
As a child when driving towards this village that had a tunnel
my mum would start whispering...
Coffee, coffee, coffee
Cheese and biscuits ,Cheese and biscuits ,Cheese and biscuits, Prunes and custard, Prunes and custard, Prunes and custard, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots,
Then as we went through the tunnel she'd shout
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUP!
Now my wife looks at me like a nutter when I do the same thing.
(Fri 21st Nov 2008, 10:42, More)
As a child when driving towards this village that had a tunnel
my mum would start whispering...
Coffee, coffee, coffee
Cheese and biscuits ,Cheese and biscuits ,Cheese and biscuits, Prunes and custard, Prunes and custard, Prunes and custard, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots, Beef and carrots,
Then as we went through the tunnel she'd shout
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUP!
Now my wife looks at me like a nutter when I do the same thing.
(Fri 21st Nov 2008, 10:42, More)
» Blood
I lost over 5 pints and bled for 19 hours FROM MY COCK!!!!
I was in hospital for an operation on my leg. I needed major reconstruction (the results of which can be seen here i21.photobucket.com/albums/b261/sybaf/P7110027.jpg ) and was going to be out for the count for a long while so they put a catheter in. For women this is a small tube but for guys it’s quite long.
I came round and the operation had gone as planned and I now just had to stay in bed for about a week.
The next day they took the catheter out and gave me a bottle to pee in too.
Three days later I started pissing blood. “It’s just blood in your urine” they said, “It's nothing to worry about. (Lying cunts)
So I’m lying there, not pissing with blood just pouring out of the end of my cock as if I was pissing. A friendly nurse holds the end of Mr Winkle whilst another cuts off all my pubic hair. They tell me to hold tight. It is about midnight. I hold.
It’s now morning. Clots are forming in my cock; they come out like cherries, bloody horrible cherries coming out of MY COCK! It’s horrible. I have filled several pee bottles with blood and still they keep telling me it’s blood in my urine. I am 22 years old and crying for my mummy.
Midday, mummy arrives. I am humiliated. I am holding my cock desperately trying to stop the bleeding, filling bottles with blood clots and crying whilst lying on bed sheets soaked in blood. “What’s going on?” she asks the nurse “Oh don’t worry it’s just blood in the urine” she replies sounding a little more nervous. “We’ve called for the urologist he will be here soon.
It’s now about 6 O’clock. Shift change. Man comes in to take my blood pressure. “Hmmmm this can’t be right he says and scuttles off to find another machine, it says the same. He calls the head nurse and tells her its wrong and all the machines have broken. She tells him that it’s probably right and that they have been trying to get someone up for hours to stop the bleeding.
7 O’clock arrives and finally the urologist arrives. He says “Oh nothing to worry about just a bit of blood in the urine” he does some checks and says “Oh……. Ummmm damn……..NURSE!”
Turns out it wasn’t blood in my urine. In fact he (for it was the same urologist) had had some trouble getting the catheter in and had stabbed me through the walls of the urethra with a blunt catheter tube, there was now a large clot sitting on the cut which had prevented the blleding from stopping. All this time they nurses had been phoning him and he had been telling them not to worry as it was blood in the urine and was quite common, they had relayed that information to me but not really believed it. I had been bleeding as if I was pissing cherries for 19 hours. The only way to stop it was to…….put the catheter back in, so that’s what they did and fuck it hurt. Then finally someone has the sense to ask “How long has he been bleeding like that?”
I remember lying there in a bed soaked in brown thick sticky blood, feeling way too hot and suddenly a cold feeling came over my body, it was wonderful. “I feel cold” I said. Suddenly it was panic stations everyone was running around me and a new doctor I hadn’t seen was literally stabbing a needle in to my wrist trying to find a vein. They started pumping saline in to me and I started to warm up. “I’m to hot! I’m too hot!” I shouted “Don’t worry “They said “Hot is good” all of a sudden the same wave of coldness washed over me and I said “Oh that’s better its nice and cold”
And that’s all I remember.
I woke up in the intensive care ward with a triple tap attached to my elbow crook pumping blood in to me. I felt shit but I was alive. I had lost over 5 pints of blood and if I hadn’t have been in a hospital I would be dead.
They let me out after 12 days but I had to have the catheter for another 2 weeks after that and they are horrible, they get infected and make you feel like you need to pee though of course with one in you never need to. I had to empty the bag all the bloody time and you had no control over how fast it filled up.
I am however happy to report that my cock made a full recovery as this SFW evidence shows i21.photobucket.com/albums/b261/sybaf/P6230024-1.jpg
Length? Not too bad considering what it’s been through.
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 9:45, More)
I lost over 5 pints and bled for 19 hours FROM MY COCK!!!!
I was in hospital for an operation on my leg. I needed major reconstruction (the results of which can be seen here i21.photobucket.com/albums/b261/sybaf/P7110027.jpg ) and was going to be out for the count for a long while so they put a catheter in. For women this is a small tube but for guys it’s quite long.
I came round and the operation had gone as planned and I now just had to stay in bed for about a week.
The next day they took the catheter out and gave me a bottle to pee in too.
Three days later I started pissing blood. “It’s just blood in your urine” they said, “It's nothing to worry about. (Lying cunts)
So I’m lying there, not pissing with blood just pouring out of the end of my cock as if I was pissing. A friendly nurse holds the end of Mr Winkle whilst another cuts off all my pubic hair. They tell me to hold tight. It is about midnight. I hold.
It’s now morning. Clots are forming in my cock; they come out like cherries, bloody horrible cherries coming out of MY COCK! It’s horrible. I have filled several pee bottles with blood and still they keep telling me it’s blood in my urine. I am 22 years old and crying for my mummy.
Midday, mummy arrives. I am humiliated. I am holding my cock desperately trying to stop the bleeding, filling bottles with blood clots and crying whilst lying on bed sheets soaked in blood. “What’s going on?” she asks the nurse “Oh don’t worry it’s just blood in the urine” she replies sounding a little more nervous. “We’ve called for the urologist he will be here soon.
It’s now about 6 O’clock. Shift change. Man comes in to take my blood pressure. “Hmmmm this can’t be right he says and scuttles off to find another machine, it says the same. He calls the head nurse and tells her its wrong and all the machines have broken. She tells him that it’s probably right and that they have been trying to get someone up for hours to stop the bleeding.
7 O’clock arrives and finally the urologist arrives. He says “Oh nothing to worry about just a bit of blood in the urine” he does some checks and says “Oh……. Ummmm damn……..NURSE!”
Turns out it wasn’t blood in my urine. In fact he (for it was the same urologist) had had some trouble getting the catheter in and had stabbed me through the walls of the urethra with a blunt catheter tube, there was now a large clot sitting on the cut which had prevented the blleding from stopping. All this time they nurses had been phoning him and he had been telling them not to worry as it was blood in the urine and was quite common, they had relayed that information to me but not really believed it. I had been bleeding as if I was pissing cherries for 19 hours. The only way to stop it was to…….put the catheter back in, so that’s what they did and fuck it hurt. Then finally someone has the sense to ask “How long has he been bleeding like that?”
I remember lying there in a bed soaked in brown thick sticky blood, feeling way too hot and suddenly a cold feeling came over my body, it was wonderful. “I feel cold” I said. Suddenly it was panic stations everyone was running around me and a new doctor I hadn’t seen was literally stabbing a needle in to my wrist trying to find a vein. They started pumping saline in to me and I started to warm up. “I’m to hot! I’m too hot!” I shouted “Don’t worry “They said “Hot is good” all of a sudden the same wave of coldness washed over me and I said “Oh that’s better its nice and cold”
And that’s all I remember.
I woke up in the intensive care ward with a triple tap attached to my elbow crook pumping blood in to me. I felt shit but I was alive. I had lost over 5 pints of blood and if I hadn’t have been in a hospital I would be dead.
They let me out after 12 days but I had to have the catheter for another 2 weeks after that and they are horrible, they get infected and make you feel like you need to pee though of course with one in you never need to. I had to empty the bag all the bloody time and you had no control over how fast it filled up.
I am however happy to report that my cock made a full recovery as this SFW evidence shows i21.photobucket.com/albums/b261/sybaf/P6230024-1.jpg
Length? Not too bad considering what it’s been through.
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 9:45, More)
» Mobile phone disasters
Crazy Ex
One day I left my phone at home by mistake and went to uni.
Text 1 - Hey Phil how are you blah blah blah
Text 2 - Are you OK?
Text 3 - Phil have I done something to upset you
Text 4 - Why are you ignoring me
Text 5 - At least tell me what i've done.
Text 6 - WELL FUCK YOU THEN, IF YOU CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO REPLY TO ME I GUESS OUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER YOU FUCKING PRICK!
I get home and reply "Sorry forgot my phone today"
Text 7 - Oh Ok, How are you blah blah blah
(Thu 30th Jul 2009, 16:42, More)
Crazy Ex
One day I left my phone at home by mistake and went to uni.
Text 1 - Hey Phil how are you blah blah blah
Text 2 - Are you OK?
Text 3 - Phil have I done something to upset you
Text 4 - Why are you ignoring me
Text 5 - At least tell me what i've done.
Text 6 - WELL FUCK YOU THEN, IF YOU CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO REPLY TO ME I GUESS OUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER YOU FUCKING PRICK!
I get home and reply "Sorry forgot my phone today"
Text 7 - Oh Ok, How are you blah blah blah
(Thu 30th Jul 2009, 16:42, More)
» Tramps
Not funny on QOTW!
I stop and talk to most of the homeless people in my local town and the stories are all similar lots of times involving drugs, alcoholism etc but there was one guy and I couldn't get over how "normal" he looked. We got chatting and it turned out that he had lost his job and had come home to find his missus with someone else and the locks changed. He had literally lost everything in a very short period of time and back then you had to have been unemployed for a bit before they would help you. He was begging to raise enough for a deposit on a flat some he could beat the stupid "No house can't get a job, no job can't get a house cycle" Yeah Right I thought, thats what they all say. He was cold so I gave him my gloves a couple of quid for his tale of woe and off I went.
3 months later I walked in to my local Tes*o and there he was on the checkout. He had raised enough begging to pay the deposit on a small flat got a job and was on the road to recovery.
It just made me feel all warm and fuzzy.
(Sun 5th Jul 2009, 10:11, More)
Not funny on QOTW!
I stop and talk to most of the homeless people in my local town and the stories are all similar lots of times involving drugs, alcoholism etc but there was one guy and I couldn't get over how "normal" he looked. We got chatting and it turned out that he had lost his job and had come home to find his missus with someone else and the locks changed. He had literally lost everything in a very short period of time and back then you had to have been unemployed for a bit before they would help you. He was begging to raise enough for a deposit on a flat some he could beat the stupid "No house can't get a job, no job can't get a house cycle" Yeah Right I thought, thats what they all say. He was cold so I gave him my gloves a couple of quid for his tale of woe and off I went.
3 months later I walked in to my local Tes*o and there he was on the checkout. He had raised enough begging to pay the deposit on a small flat got a job and was on the road to recovery.
It just made me feel all warm and fuzzy.
(Sun 5th Jul 2009, 10:11, More)