Profile for HairyTwatter:
I was raised a omnivorous cliff dweller in postwar Djibouti on the banks of the River Guano. I began making folk art carvings of the local grit separator divers from goat dopplers as a way to supplant my family's meager income earned from giving marksmanship lessons with double barrel slingshots and stamping "Nyet Skid" on cheap Russian imported condoms.
We arrived on the coast of North Carolina during the notorious Morehead City Boatlift of Ash Wednesday 1969. I continued to hone my carving skills, getting good enough to fashion an acceptable rendition of Jesse Helms doing "Riverdance" replete with fishnet stockings and a tight little bottom until all my tools were destroyed during the little known great Hurricane Homer floods of 1989. As the flood waters receded I found a rare Leica M2.5 that had washed up in the yard, complete except caked in a mass of pig poop. From there it was only a short step to my current living of selling pumps, and my pastimes of using Leicas to open pop bottles, javelin catching and using a magnifying glass to incinerate insects on the sidewalk here in front of the ward...
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I was raised a omnivorous cliff dweller in postwar Djibouti on the banks of the River Guano. I began making folk art carvings of the local grit separator divers from goat dopplers as a way to supplant my family's meager income earned from giving marksmanship lessons with double barrel slingshots and stamping "Nyet Skid" on cheap Russian imported condoms.
We arrived on the coast of North Carolina during the notorious Morehead City Boatlift of Ash Wednesday 1969. I continued to hone my carving skills, getting good enough to fashion an acceptable rendition of Jesse Helms doing "Riverdance" replete with fishnet stockings and a tight little bottom until all my tools were destroyed during the little known great Hurricane Homer floods of 1989. As the flood waters receded I found a rare Leica M2.5 that had washed up in the yard, complete except caked in a mass of pig poop. From there it was only a short step to my current living of selling pumps, and my pastimes of using Leicas to open pop bottles, javelin catching and using a magnifying glass to incinerate insects on the sidewalk here in front of the ward...
Recent front page messages:
none
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» Mobile phone disasters
My ringtone is the beginning bars of Tubular Bells
better known here in the States from The Exorcist. Two things worth remembering:
- First time it went off with a coworker from Chicago he almost shat himself. Apparently the movie scared the everloving crap out of him when he was a kid.
- It rang when I was in the airport in Nashville...you know, Bible belt. The woman next to me looked horrified, got up and moved away. Perfect!
(Sat 1st Aug 2009, 14:48, More)
My ringtone is the beginning bars of Tubular Bells
better known here in the States from The Exorcist. Two things worth remembering:
- First time it went off with a coworker from Chicago he almost shat himself. Apparently the movie scared the everloving crap out of him when he was a kid.
- It rang when I was in the airport in Nashville...you know, Bible belt. The woman next to me looked horrified, got up and moved away. Perfect!
(Sat 1st Aug 2009, 14:48, More)
» Accidental innuendo
Pumping
I work in the process pump industry and all of its glamour. Anyway, 15 years ago I worked in a cubicle farm office...phone rang in the guy's cubicle next to mine. Guy liked to use his speakerphone...caller wanted to put olive oil into his machine that made bread on an industrial scale. He said, "I want to pump olive oil" whereupon my coworker said, "Does Popeye know about this?" Thank God for speaker phones.
(Sun 15th Jun 2008, 1:44, More)
Pumping
I work in the process pump industry and all of its glamour. Anyway, 15 years ago I worked in a cubicle farm office...phone rang in the guy's cubicle next to mine. Guy liked to use his speakerphone...caller wanted to put olive oil into his machine that made bread on an industrial scale. He said, "I want to pump olive oil" whereupon my coworker said, "Does Popeye know about this?" Thank God for speaker phones.
(Sun 15th Jun 2008, 1:44, More)
» Abusing freebies
Rubbish cans full of trade show shit
I worked for a company that exhibited at the National Plastics Exposition in Chicago in 1991. The German firm Kraus-Maffei had a huge injection molding machine running, stamping out 35 gallon rubbish cans. People, being whores for free shit, would take a can, then walk the rest of the show filling the can up with shit from all the other exhibitors. When I got to the airport the last day of the show there were about 50 of these cans of trade show trinkets lined up along the wall. See, Kraus-Maffei made cans, but no lids...so the greedy fucks that took all the trade show trinkets couldn't take the crap home on the airplane.
(Fri 9th Nov 2007, 19:17, More)
Rubbish cans full of trade show shit
I worked for a company that exhibited at the National Plastics Exposition in Chicago in 1991. The German firm Kraus-Maffei had a huge injection molding machine running, stamping out 35 gallon rubbish cans. People, being whores for free shit, would take a can, then walk the rest of the show filling the can up with shit from all the other exhibitors. When I got to the airport the last day of the show there were about 50 of these cans of trade show trinkets lined up along the wall. See, Kraus-Maffei made cans, but no lids...so the greedy fucks that took all the trade show trinkets couldn't take the crap home on the airplane.
(Fri 9th Nov 2007, 19:17, More)
» The Boss
I worked for the most miserable son of a bitch. Ever.
He was the VP of Sales for a 100 million dollar company and was an inveterate cheapskate...wouldn't eat in the sunshine because he was afraid his shadow might ask for a bite.
I made an error on an expense report one day, twelve CENTS in my favor. The accounting lady called me - fair enough. Then Mr Miserable's secretary called me. Then faxed me. Then the asshole responsible for 100 million dollars in sales called me...over 12 FUCKING PENNIES. Fuckwit.
(Mon 22nd Jun 2009, 2:11, More)
I worked for the most miserable son of a bitch. Ever.
He was the VP of Sales for a 100 million dollar company and was an inveterate cheapskate...wouldn't eat in the sunshine because he was afraid his shadow might ask for a bite.
I made an error on an expense report one day, twelve CENTS in my favor. The accounting lady called me - fair enough. Then Mr Miserable's secretary called me. Then faxed me. Then the asshole responsible for 100 million dollars in sales called me...over 12 FUCKING PENNIES. Fuckwit.
(Mon 22nd Jun 2009, 2:11, More)
» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me
Didn't even know it
when I was in university many moons ago, I spent most of my time drinking/chasing women/generally being a goof. My grades showed it. Got my bachelor's degree in Materials Engineering in 1985 and was utterly unable to land a job. I was working for minimum wage at a hobby shop at the time...we were buying goods from a distributor in Georgia. The owner of the distributor was a retired orthopaedic surgeon who had to retire when he developed arthritis in his hands. Well, over the course of a year he managed to talk me into going back to uni and getting a business degree. But I had no idea I was being talked into it. This time I didn't drink and fuck off too much, got my degree with good grades. And after I did that, he told me that he'd done this several times with young people that seemed to have gotten a bit lost.
I never met the guy and have lost track of him. But he really pushed me into getting my life together and for that I'm eternally grateful. Thanks Gordon, wherever the hell you may be now...
(Fri 3rd Oct 2008, 2:54, More)
Didn't even know it
when I was in university many moons ago, I spent most of my time drinking/chasing women/generally being a goof. My grades showed it. Got my bachelor's degree in Materials Engineering in 1985 and was utterly unable to land a job. I was working for minimum wage at a hobby shop at the time...we were buying goods from a distributor in Georgia. The owner of the distributor was a retired orthopaedic surgeon who had to retire when he developed arthritis in his hands. Well, over the course of a year he managed to talk me into going back to uni and getting a business degree. But I had no idea I was being talked into it. This time I didn't drink and fuck off too much, got my degree with good grades. And after I did that, he told me that he'd done this several times with young people that seemed to have gotten a bit lost.
I never met the guy and have lost track of him. But he really pushed me into getting my life together and for that I'm eternally grateful. Thanks Gordon, wherever the hell you may be now...
(Fri 3rd Oct 2008, 2:54, More)