» Gyms

Never train with your wife
I used to go to quite a posh gym with her indoors. She would do an hour or so on the cardio stuff and some weights machines.

I would do half an hour on the cross trainer watching the fit chinese bird in lycra with a thong on the stepper in front of me. Then I would do some free weights.

"Can I try the free weights" she asks one night.

Cue me taking her down to the "blokes end" of the gym. Knowing looks from all the other guys and a quick "sorry guys" look from me.

Got her comfy on the bench press, took up spotter position, standing with a leg either side of her head. She's only little and not very strong so I was being careful.

She lifted the bar with no weight on just to get the feel of it. Whilst I made sure I had a tight hold of it just in case.

I forgot to mention I was wearing shorts with the built in mesh pants.

"Eww, I can see your willy" said she...

Much sniggering was heard from the blokes who were all watching her.

At this moment my Tourettes Conscience sprang to life and before I could stop myself...

"Oh shut up you've had it in your mouth often enough".

She turned bright red and was never to be seen again down the "blokes end".
(Tue 14th Jul 2009, 20:30, More)

» Cheating cheaty cheats

I can read minds
Years ago in Careers class, the teacher, who looked like Audrey Roberts with too much make up, was never there...

David Bowie, for that was his name, was seeing if anyone could read minds, so we all sat round at took turns to guess which card he was holding.

Everybody got one or two out of ten as expected. Then it was my turn.

Put my head down and covered my eyes. I got kicked in the back three times by the kid sitting on the desk behind my chair, luckily I picked up what was going on instantly. "Three I said", looking up. Over the next ten I only got one wrong, I'd miscounted. I really went to town with over acting, staring into his eyes, but not in a gay way, rubbing my temples, etc...

By this point Mr Bowie was getting seriously freaked out being a fully paid up god botherer. Everyone had realised that the chap sitting behind Mr Bowie was signalling to the chap behind me what the card was and were trying to keep straight faces.

He then spent the next few days telling everyone, including teachers I could read minds. I never did tell him.
(Mon 21st Nov 2005, 10:31, More)

» The most cash I've ever carried

First Car
The deposit on my first car was £2000. Paying it by debit card seemed wrong. I felt handing over a wad of £2000 was the right thing to do.

Rather than getting £200 a day from the ATM until I had the £2000. I telephoned the bank HQ and had to give them a password. I then could go into the local branch collect the readies.

For some reason they wouldn't let me use "Robbery" as a password.
(Thu 22nd Jun 2006, 11:46, More)

» Useless advice

According to the Jehovahs Witness handbook
Masturbation leads to Homosexuality

25 years of exhaustive testing has led me to believe that's utter bollocks.
(Thu 19th Oct 2006, 17:24, More)

» Spoilt Brats

The right way to do it
In Tescos a child decided to throw a purple screaming fit in the aisle I was in.

It was the full blown, arms and legs waving, on the floor with a bright red head, screaming as loud as he could, job.

Mother gave it the "for fucks sake" look.

Bent down grabbed an ankle and dragged the kid down the aisle whilst pushing her trolley.

Surpisingly the fit stopped after about ten yards. She must have done it before.
(Tue 14th Oct 2008, 12:07, More)