» Evil Pranks

That'll learn her
When I was around 10 years old I went swimming in the local outdoor pool one summer to find my big sister there with all her "so cool" friends.

My sister hadn't put her clothes into a locker and left them beside the pool.

They got stolen.

She begged me, me her little sister, "pain in the arse", target of her constant ridicule, to go home (a 1 hour walk away) to get her some clothes.

I raided the cupboards at home.

The first born much older sister once owned a delightful 60's style "pants suit". It was bright orange with massive psychedelic flowers that consisted of a sleeveless 3/4 length jacket and flared groovy fashion slax. It was truly horrendous and LOUD.

It was so awful that my mum kept it for a laugh.

I returned to the swimming pool with said clothes in a plastic bag, handed them over to her and scarpered with "I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" piercing the air behind me.
(Mon 17th Dec 2007, 22:17, More)

» Abusing freebies

My mates and I were flying to Buenos Aires
and Fiona and I were sitting together and her being a true Scot wanted to grab as many bags of complimentary nuts as possible "so I don't have to buy lunch during the day when we are there".
I said I would help her so we kept wandering to the different food prep areas on the plane saying we were hungry and can we have a bag of nuts.
This continued for the entire 8 hour flight and kept us amused and giggling.
We manage to amass around 85 bags of them.

As the plane neared B.A. and we started our descent, a gaggle of giggling Space Waitresses arrived at our seats, one had a very large, brown, hardwearing carrier bag (the type with straw handles) 3/4 full of peanuts and dumped the entire lot on our laps.

We shrieked with laughter and delight, raised our arms in triumph \o/ and told them they were the best Space Waitresses EVER to grace the skies (Malaysian Airways).

On the return trip some of the crew were the same and as we took off, one came over to us and said "We have plenty of nuts if you are interested".

We we all peanutted out by then and politely declined.

BTW, she returned with half of the peanuts in her suitcase, bless her tartan socks.
(Thu 8th Nov 2007, 16:39, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Pffft so many, so often
But my latest was last week when I looked after a class of nursery school children, aged 3 - 6.
They were given a task of cutting out pictures from a supermarket's pull-out ad and to stick them to a board.
The group I was looking after had to cut out pictures of toiletries.
When they'd finished I asked them what each item was. They hesitated on the ladies santary owls with wings and look to me for guidance.
"Jam Rags" I said. They all nodded and carried on.
Naively I didn't realise they would actually remember that but didn't think it mattered as English wasn't their first language and we weren't speaking English anyway.

To my horror the teacher then asked each team of children to give her their boards and tell the whole class what each item was.

They all remembered, blurted out "JAM RAGS". I was told off and had to say "Sorry, Miss. Won't do it again, Miss".

I heard my aunt mutter under her breath "I knew asking Flowerpot to help was a bad idea". After she stopped giggling of course.
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 18:54, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Rob, I'll see you and raise you one tequila.... Ooh dare I?
Ok WTF, nobody here knows me in real life.

I was flying to Central America in the morning and the previous night someone challenged me to a tequila shot contest thing. I'm not a big drinker but can drink anyone under the table when it comes to tequila and I did. The next morning I woke up early so I could get to Heathrow in time for my flight. I felt fine, had a bath and in the middle of washing my feet I got a sudden urge an projectile vomited the previous night's RED Ruby Murray (curry, for the non-Brits) everywhere. It never stopped. The bathroom was covered with red stuff. Ceiling, floor, tiles, mats, the works. I cleaned up as best I could because my flat was on the market and there was a chance that prospective buyers would view while I was away. In between projectile vomiting I managed to get myself together and into the cab. I was still being sick so the cabbie gave me a plastic bag and I vomited into that all the way to the airport, ready to dump the vomit bag into the nearest bin before entering the Terminal.
Trouble is, there was a high-security ring of people around the terminal because of a bomb warning that weekend. The bins were all sealed. I had to enter the terminal with my Sainsbury's bag full of vomit. NOBODY was allowed into the terminal without a body and luggage search. The policewoman approached me and asked me if she could check my bags. "You don't want to do that" says I, "Why not?" she asked. So I had to tell her. She was suspicious, didn't believe me and insisted she checked it. Poor thing nearly upchucked herself! She escorted me to the loo where I disposed of the contents.

I cringe now but at the time I felt so wretched I couldn't give a damn.

It gets worse. I phoned my aunt from the airport and asked her to clean up the bathroom and quick because of prospective buyers! All the bathroom bits were white (the mat, towels, etc) and I couldn't clean it all in my state. My aunt, bless her, did come in and clean the bathroom.
My aunt's big fat incontinent mother-in-law was visiting her at the time....

When I got home a few weeks later, I walked into the bathroom to find the most gigantic pair of incontinence knickers pegged to the shower rail, a pair of handcuffs hanging from my 4 poster bed, a bottle of tequila on the pillow next to a tube of KY Jelly. My aunt's revenge!
(Mon 23rd Aug 2004, 9:19, More)

» PE Lessons

Urgh tennis
At school, for a group of us eggheads, only 1 lesson per week was dedicated to sport which was just as well, we were fecking hopeless at sport.
However, we did appreciate the break from classes and took every opportunity we could to run riot.

Thank heavens we were never taught PE at big school.

Tennis was our pet hate and our tennis courts backed onto a loony bin whose residents used to roam freely in the grounds.

We took every opportunity to hit the ball over the fence so we could open the gate (which could only be opened on our side) and go into the loony bin grounds to retrieve it.

Many's the time that a resident would spot us and run to the fence with his willy in his hand, drooling from both ends with us shouting encouragement.

Our teacher, Miss Jolly Hocky Sticks, would go ballistic at us and get us to turn our backs and ignore the rude men which meant we would sneakily lift up our short skirts at the back to give the rude men a view of our knickers.
(Thu 19th Nov 2009, 18:42, More)