The claws are the first weapon you learn how to use, because it lets you keep your distance from the prey. The closer you get to being a pro, the closer you can get to the prey. The neck bite, for example, is the last thing you learn.

click for gigantification
(Mon 13th Feb 2006, 12:38, More)

» Gyms

You know when you get an idea which seems genius at the time?
Many years ago, at Uni, I caught the flu. Not full fledged man-flu, but it was still pretty bad. In my less than 100% state, my mind decided it would be a good idea for me to go 'run it off'. Stupid mind.

So I'm on the running machine at the uni gym. 'Running off' the flu. Fucking idiot. I've been jogging for a few minutes when the worst happens.

I puke on the running machine and slip in the vomitus. Which causes me to fall flat on my face and get fired off the back of the running machine.

So now, not only do I have the flu, many bruises and a nice covering of flu-bile, but I'm also being puke-pebbledashed as the treadmill continues to flick the remains of my yellow detrius at me.

And then the gym instructor guy comes running over and says, "Are you alright?" I love that.
(Fri 10th Jul 2009, 12:12, More)

» Failed

I failed once.
I was sitting on my bed, feeling unwell, wrapped in a towel having just showered. That squirmy, gassy feeling hit me and I just knew I was going to do a spectacular fart. I informed my girlfriend, sitting next to me, that something wonderful was about to happen. Unfortunately, I'd failed to correctly judge the subtle signs in my bowelary movements. And promptly shat myself.

There really is no smell like lumpy diarrhoea wrapped in a soggy towel.
(Mon 8th Jan 2007, 15:06, More)

» School Trips

I believe I have already answered this question with my most memorable school trip:
here you go

small as you like, no?
(Tue 12th Dec 2006, 16:35, More)

» Celebrities part II

I'm never rude to anyone. Especially not the Hoff.
I went to a booksigning of his a couple of years ago in Borders on Oxford St.

Queued up with my copy of his autobiography 'Making Waves' and waited an hour and a half in line 'til I almost ready to meet the man himself.

We had to write our names on a scrap of paper so that the Hoff wouldn't actually have to converse with any of us plebs.

People would hand him the thing they want signed, along with their scrap of paper. He'd sign it. They'd leave. Sometimes they'd take a photograph.

What I noticed though - and this really riled me for some reason - is that not a single person seemed to say thank you to this great legend of our time.

So when it came to my turn, I did what I thought was right and said, quite loudly, "Thank you David".

He looked up.

Right into my eyes.

And said with a genuine smile, "You're welcome... er..." he checked the scrap of paper, "Johnny".

Yes. I was welcomed by the Hoff.

And I have a photograph to prove it:



Now, who wants to touch me?

Length? About three hundred people.
(Thu 8th Oct 2009, 14:07, More)

» Tramps

When I used to work in Camden we had a wealth of tramps. This was one of them...
Actually, I'd never seen her before.

Typical trampette though, got 50p for a bus, all that jazz.

I said no. So she asked me for a tenner.

I said no more firmly. So she told me she was pregnant.

I stared at her blankly. So she told me it was mine.

Genius.

I gave her the 50p in the end.

And it wasn't mine, before you ask.
(Thu 2nd Jul 2009, 18:42, More)