» Guilty Secrets

Santa Scam
This is terrible, and I hope that my Mum isn't a b3ta reader (I find it unlikely: she's offended by nearly everything). I've never told anyone this before.

I'd figured out the Santa thing by the time I was 6 or so. No malicious playground revelations, just me putting two and two together and coming up with a rather disappointing four. Christmas was always a massive event at our house, with thousands of dollars spent on presents. I was spoiled, no question. I never told my parents that I knew about Santa, because I didn't want to reduce my haul of gifts. I just continued to write the yearly missive, put out the treats, and pretend that everything was normal.

Not too bad, right? Well, here's the bad, highly manipulative part.

I exploited my knowledge when I was nine. I wrote a letter to "Santa", saying how I didn't want any presents that year, and instead to get something nice for my parents, because they deserved it more. (I feel dirty just typing that.) God, I was a manipulative little shit. But a highly effective manipulative little shit. I got reams of presents that year.

Children=devious and evil. I know that from personal experience.
(Fri 31st Aug 2007, 15:21, More)

» Cheap Tat

Largest piece of tat?
I'd rather have one really good thing, rather than a bunch of crap. Unfortunately, I didn't choose my forklift. (Yes, I did say forklift: I'm a welder and fabricator.)

My partner and his dad found this...thing. It was only about $1200 Canadian (about 500 GBP. A good forklift should be about $10,000 used) and although it seems like a deal, any sane person would know why this one was so cheap at first glance.

The first thing to assault the eyes of any casual viewer is the paint job. Scratches in the bilious green coating reveal layers and layers of various coloured paint underneath, remnants of other owners with other colour schemes. But really, that's just esthetics.

Mechanically, there are some issues, too, unsurprisingly. To start off with, the thing's electric, and it didn't come with a charger, which led to me being stuck out in the yard with a dead forklift at the bottom of a hill. (For the record, I assumed it had come with a charger, or that they'd bought one. The gauge that shows the level of charge is broken, naturally.) I had to borrow a neighbour's larger forklift and tow it back inside. Oh, the indignity! It also leaks hydraulic fluid whenever you let it sit for five minutes or longer, and the forks won't stay tilted back: they slowly drift forward. Nice when you're trying to carry a load. But it won't lift anything heavy anyway; I still borrow the neighbour's forklift if I have to load anything large. It also has trouble making it up the hill into my shop even when it is charged, so if you take it outside to load a truck, you may never get it in again, particularly if you're carrying a load. I hate it. It would make a better boat anchor than a lift truck. Even my partner concedes it was a bad purchase and talks about getting rid of it, but who would buy the thing? Probably have to pay to get rid of it.

Do I get some sort of prize for having the biggest (and quite possibly shittiest) piece of tat?
(Mon 7th Jan 2008, 13:19, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Turnabout...
When I was in high school, I worked at a bakery in a large, upmarket supermarket. I used to get asked questions all the time about freshness, i.e. was this made today, do you get this in every day (some items were made by large commercial bakeries and shipped in), etc. People were always incredibly suspicious about it, and wouldn't believe me (or anyone) if they were told the products were fresh.

But the thing is, they always were. We had very strict policies about disposing of baked goods, and anything made the previous day and left unsold was given to the food bank.

Shocking, I know. The food was actually not misrepresented, spat in, wanked in, or too old. But just try and tell the customers that.
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 21:31, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

Frightening the cable man
About two years ago, I was having constant problems with my Internet service: it was slow, would disconnect constantly, etc. After weeks of arguing with the ISP's tech support, they finally came around to check the wiring. I wasn't at home, but my boyfriend had graciously agreed to come by and wait for them.

Cable man arrives and does his thing. He thinks the problem is fixed, so he asks the boyfriend if it's okay to check the computer to make sure. Boyfriend says okay. The cable guy opens up an IE window to be greeted by the image of a naked girl tied up with a ball gag shoved into her mouth. My boyfriend hadn't considered that my homepage was (and had been for some time) a BDSM lifestyle site. He's the shyest and most retiring guy ever, and he turned 40 shades of red. All he can think to say to the repair man is "It's my girlfriend's computer!" and I bet the cable guy was thinking, "Yes, I bet it is, mate."

When I got home and my boyfriend told me the story, I spent several minutes rolling around on the floor laughing at his discomfort. My homepage is now Google, but I'll have to change it back and make sure that my boyfriend is the only one home if the cable guy has to call again.
(Fri 10th Feb 2006, 13:47, More)

» Job Interviews

Not me, but a thick co-worker...
The company that I was working for several years ago was closing, so everyone was going to be made redundant. Consequently, we were all going on job interviews with other companies.

This one particularly dimwitted co-worker went to an interview with our major customer. They are one of the largest employers in the area, and pay well, have great benefits, etc. He was applying for a job in assembly. Their interview is scenario-based, and he was asked the question "Can you tell me about a time when you had a conflict with a co-worker and how you dealt with it?" or similar. After thinking about it for a moment, he came out with the carefully crafted and well-thought-out answer, "Well, I punched him in the face".

No points were awarded for honesty. Not only did he not get the job, but he was banned from applying there ever again.
(Fri 21st Jan 2005, 7:39, More)