» Thrown away: The stuff you loved and lost.

I've posted this before
...but this REALLY hurts.

My Grandfather was an English professor - in the 70s it was his expert testimony that enabled the Sex Pistols to call their LP 'Never Mind The Bollocks' as he attested 'bollocks' was not technically an obscene word.

The band gave him a copy of the LP signed by them all, thanking him for his pivotal assistance.

My lovely old gran gave it to Oxfam in the 80s, unplayed.

AaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaAAAAARRRRGhhHHHHH!!!!


Incidentally during the trial the prosecution tried to belittle my grandfather; 'so, you're an expert on the word 'bollocks' are you?', they asked him (he was wearing his vicar's dog collar for added effect).

'Oh, no', he replied, 'I can tell you all about 'fuck' and 'shit' too'.
(Fri 15th Aug 2008, 13:50, More)

» Turning into your parents

My dad's a part-time radio DJ
He plays old rock'n'roll & doo wop, that sort of stuff.

I've always found it embarrassing to hear him blathering away on his show so I've avoided it like the plague when browsing the old FM dial.

One day I was searching for something good to listen to and by mistake found I'd stumbled onto his programme - and worst still my mum was on there too.

That's right kids - I realised I'd tuned into my parents.

*dies*
(Wed 6th May 2009, 16:35, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

This one's very hard to tell and not at all funny I'm afraid
A year ago I broke up with my girfriend of 3 years - shortly afterwards I was tricked into getting another woman pregnant ('I can't conceive'). In an attempt to do 'the right thing' (whatever the fuck that is) I stayed with her until her physical and mental violence and basic insanity made this no longer viable. Incidentally our beautiful daughter was born 16-odd weeks ago and I'm not allowed to see her, and none of my family has ever seen her.

During this time my ex discovered she, too was pregnant (coil failure, just one of those things). Despite desperately wanting the child - and nothing from me in return - she knew this would ruin my already volatile situation with woman 'B', and had a termination. Given her age and history this was a bit of a final straw for her in terms of future pregnancies.

This was a sacrfice of truly herculean proportions - to date I am absolutely staggered that she would do such a thing for someone with whom she had actually split up. We're back together now and the poor thing now has to deal with my struggles to gain access to my daughter, all the while finding any talk of babies - and of course particularly my baby, almost unbearable for obvious reasons.

Maxine, I don't deserve you but I love you with every fibre of my being - you are truly an incredible human being.

*blubs like a girl*
(Mon 6th Oct 2008, 11:06, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Bungle
A not-so-bright lad from my home town, called Bungle, was larking about with his pals in a local copse one day, when, for reasons unknown, decided he was going to have a shit from up in a tree. In front of said pals.

He sat on a branch, dropped his trousers and underpants, hung his arse over the back of the branch and proceeded to deliver his payload.

Sadly at the crucial moment his balance faltered, and to correct this he swang his legs back just in time to catch the turd in his pants.

He then fell out of the tree and ended up in a shitty heap on the ground below, to howls of laughter from his audience.

Poor old Bungle.
(Mon 31st Mar 2008, 12:47, More)

» * PFFT *

Bus fun
I live in London, my girfriend does not - this means a lot of bus journeys to and from Waterloo station.

Fairly early on in our relationship I released a Belsen-like emission when there was just us and a young family sharing the ground floor of said bus.

The dad loudly and persistently blamed his son. 'Bloody 'ell, now I know what happened to Roland Rat' he said.

'He crawled up your arse and died'.

The shame.
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 15:53, More)