» The Dark

We had only a couple of hours in which to see Dylan at the funeral home before the coffin had to be closed.
Everyone who could be there looked at his handsome face for the last time and left in tears. He was so young.

I stayed a long time, ruffling his hair and tellng him that I loved him and was not angry with him. His hair was the longest I'd ever seen it - he was growing it, it seems, for the first time.

After a while, I realised that I was still there because I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave him alone there without anyone he loved to hold his hand or whisper that it was all right, I'm here and you're safe.

This was a problem which I needed to solve. So I called Rob the funeral director in and explained, and he understood.

Dylan was never afraid of the dark as a child - well, a little, but he was very brave - so I kissed and hugged him for a last time, then stood by the door and said, goodnight Dyl, I'll see you in the morning, and Rob put out the lights, one by one, just on cue. I couldn't see Dylan any more then and quietly closed the door and tiptoed away, just as when he was a little boy.
(Sat 25th Jul 2009, 9:14, More)

» Pointless Experiments

I have found snails to be sporting types, in that they happily participate in my serious scientific experiments.
Here are three examples - incidentally, no harm was caused to any gastropod and all were released into the wild afterwards.

1. What do snails like to eat and drink?
A. A snail placed on a saucer with a choice of beer or milk and chips or lettuce will go for the beer and chips every time.

2. Can we vary the colour of a snail's poo?
A. Yes, by feeding it multicoloured foods. The snail will poo straight afer eating and the colour of the poo is decided by that of the food.
Hundreds and thousands give a striking 'rainbow' effect.

3. Can a snail be induced to hold a white sugar strand in its mouth, so that it looks like a king-sized fag?
A. Yes, after about half an hour's gentle coaxing.
(Doing this had my young nephew in helpless tears of laughter.)

Experimental snails - more fun than chimps or beagles.
(Tue 29th Jul 2008, 16:54, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Welcome to the real world. Asshole.
I work at the courts, dealing directly with defendants and their solicitors, families and friends.

Every week there's a Youth court, where, folk knowledge has it, young thugs are sentenced to a rigorous regime of wrist-slapping.

The place fills up with under-18s and their interested parties, which sadly don't always include parents.

Most juvenile offenders are neglected or led astray and will respond well to the Youth Offending Team's (YOT) attentions, and will mend their ways. Many parents, appalled at their sprogs' offences, will co-operate with the YOT, which gives the kids a better chance of changing their behaviour.

However, some kids will refuse to accept the help on offer and continue to offend. The YOT run round after them, giving lifts, getting them up for court, ringing to remind them of appointments and so on, and the little darlings chuck it all back in their faces.

Sometimes the parents collude in this, telling the kids that 'you're under 18, they can't touch you!' - which incidentally isn't true. They can be 'breached' for disobeying a court order and sent back to court and even into detention. But their over-indulgent parents tell them not to believe that.

When they reach 18, of course, this all stops. I saw it recently for myself.

A lad of just 18 had been arrested for the umpteenth time and banged up for a night or two.
He was released with a condition that he report to Probation early on a certain day.

'Fuck off!' said he to the Probation Officer. 'No way! I'm never up at that time!'
The YOT's response might have been negotiation, the offer of a lift, maybe even a different appointment...

The P.O.'s was 'That's the appointment. If you don't turn up you're in breach and we'll issue a warrant, and you'll be arrested and locked up.'

The little thug stared in shock, mouth gaping.

The words hung, unspoken, in the air -

Welcome to the real world. Asshole.
(Thu 9th Oct 2008, 15:59, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

While the then boyf was changing the oil filter on his car
I wandered over to the book case and picked up the relevant manual.

Hmmm, I thought, how clever the boyf is, to attempt that job without the manual.

Turning to the 'How To Change Oil Filter' page, I read 'do NOT attempt to remove old filter by piercing it with a screwdriver...'

Just then, a strange strangled sound was emitted from beneath the car, as the Boyf learned for himself that the rest of the sentence read (I paraphrase) 'because if you do a load of fucking oil will shoot up your fucking sleeve and you will fucking bang your fucking head on the fucking underside of the fucking car.'
(Thu 4th May 2006, 14:19, More)

» Family codes and rituals

My family, probably like many others, like to flash the V.
Points are scored for flashing Vs in photographs and on formal occasions. When a family member is asleep, it is good form to shake them urgently until they open their eyes, to see the V displayed at face level.

I am currently ahead in the the V-flashing competition after a display at a family funeral.

Arriving at the church in the main car (for this was a close and dearly beloved family member of mine) I spotted my eldest sister standing nearby, in helpless tears of grief.

I attracted her attention and flashed the V.
She stared, wide-eyed, and then turned away, scandalised and giggling.

It's what he would have wanted.
(Sat 22nd Nov 2008, 21:22, More)