» Food sabotage

"of course it's Linda McCartney..."
I'm not a vegetarian - let's just make that clear. I have canine teeth and, given that we don't have a second stomach required for chewing the cud, I am firmly in the "say yes to meat" camp.

However, I have known a few vegetarians in my time and most are pretty laid back - they don't make a show of preaching the PETA meat-is-murder-milk-is-poison nonsense and, aside from being a bit pasty looking, they are sound people. However, just as there is always one bad apple in any barrel, there is always one militant Veggie that will ruin a nice evening to claim the Guardian-reading moral high ground.

Well one such numpty turned up at a barbecue I was holding. He wasn't invited, but he was the friend of my wife's friend and I didn't mind. Right up until we had the whole "You must use a separate grill for my food because I don't want it tainted with dead carcass" lecture.

Now, I am a firm believer in the idea that if, out of a desire to be a good host, I am supposed to provide a veggie with a non-meat meal, it is only right that they should return the favour if I eat at their place, or at least they should be pleasant to the person who is putting them up and feeding them. But no, this emaciated ponce was doing his best to ruin the party and make 15 other guest feel uncomfortable by ranting about the evils of the Ribeye steaks that were sizzling on the grill. But the most vengeance went to the burgers - he made up all sorts of crap about how they were mainly filler, rat and hoof (despite my wife and I making them from home-minced steak that day) and generally getting up my nose. So, after drinking four of my beers he presents me with a box of Linda McCartney/Quorn FakeBurgers and his pompous instructions on how to cook them.

On his departure to the lounge (presumably to harrass the other guests), I threw them in the bin, cooked him two burgers well done, put them in buns, with cheese and sauce and handed them over. He scarfed the lot, whilst saying how nice they were and how we should all try these veggie burgers as we wouldn't miss meat. Meanwhile, I was curled up on my kness on the patio crying with laughter. Along with the three other vegetarians at the party, who were horrified by his behaviour.

I'm a bad, bad man...
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 16:07, More)

» The Credit Crunch

media twattery...
Yes, there is a recession, caused by a bunch of cunts (have you ever met a Merchant Banker? Arrogant wankers to a man and generally thick as pig-shit, but "Father is the Earl of blah-di-blah-shire") lending money to feckless morons who thought borrowing £20k at 40% interest when they didn't have a job and lived in housing, that I (and other tax payers) have basically given them out of charity, was a good idea.

On the basis of this monumentally stupid thinking, the said B/Wankers then sell that debt to other banks as optential income and use this to borrow ever larger amounts of money. The reality is that if everyone with a bank account went into their local branch and asked to empty their account, there wouldn't be enough money to do so - it's all smoke and mirrors.

So, we are now in a situation where idiots won't lend to morons because their stupidity has caused a house of cards with no cards at the bottom to collapse - purely because someone had the balls to turn round and say "actually, I think I'd rather take the money than keep playing this game".

Interest rates go up, we all suffer, they go down and tehre is another reason given for us to continue suffering. Usually by some shiny faced cunt in a blue Gieves and Hawkes suit who works for one of the banks who caused the fucking problems in the first place.

Then we ahve the media who are loving every second - "House prices crash!" (only where they were stupidly over-inflated in the first place), "Unemployment soars!" (well, it's gone up a bit, but we've had basically 3+Million out of work since about 1999/2000, but Labour called them something else, so they weren't "unemployed), "Worst recession since the last one!" (not as bad as 1987 where everything died on its ass, or the last time we had a Labour government tax-and-spending it's way into a four day week and the total collapse of British Industry, complete with power cuts to domestic housing). Basically, it's the latest thing and they are on it like flies on shit.

If everyone turned off Sky News (and their "Everything's fine, so PANIC!" attitude), went out and saw that the streets aren't awash with looters, paedos and murderers, that you can still buy what you need (as long as you actually have cash for it and can, thus, afford it) - you can buy whatever you like. The only businesses that have failed are those that were a) failing before this recession hit and, b) those with fundamentally bad business practices.

If we stop listening to people who think that £40k wage plus an £80k bonus makes for a bad year for financial advice and just go and ask our mums and dads who have lived through World Wars, rationing, the Cold War, the Winter of Discontent, three recessions that I can remember and god knows what else, I think we would find that things aren't actually bad at all - we're not being bombed or told to be a soldier and fight in a war, for a start...

Twats in banks and twats in the in media are fuelling this thing between themselves, so I say we all just ignore them and do what is needed. What do you reckon?

Sorry about the length, but I needed that rant!
(Thu 22nd Jan 2009, 16:58, More)

» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

Just say no to the dumper - confuses the hell out of them...
The time I have done it to someone was during a row with my then fiancee. She had gotten a bit drunk, seen an innocent conversation with a friend as an attempt to pull someone else, then gone mental. I was rather stoned and when she said "that's it! It's all over - I hate you and never want to see you again", I replied with "No it's not. It's not over, because there's no need for you to be in this state. You've got the wrong end of the stick and you don't want to ruin things and kick yourself when you're seeing things clearly."

She huffed off and passed out on the bed. We got married in December. It's a really useful tool to keep a realtionship alive, because if you say it calmly and reasonably, there's not any really easy comeback that can be flung in the heat of a screaming tantrum - the only thing I can think of that might be as successful at derailing a dumping (which are usually brought about by a girl getting her knickers in a twist and then asking her female friends about how men think - like they know) would be to randomly quote facts:

"I hate you, you don't do anything for me and my friends say I'm crazy to be with you"

"If you take the atomic weight of a molecule and measure out that number of grams of the substance, there will be 1x10^23 Molecules of the substance in it"

"Huh? But anyway, as I was saying - I don't think it's working out..."

"Carrots should really be blue."

"For a while now I've... hang on, BLUE?!"

"Yeah, it's down to the pigments in the carrot, but the most common one reflects blue/green light, so they should appear blue".

Give it a try - after all, at that point it's got to be worth a punt!

Oh, by the way ladies, your female friends don't understand men. Men maybe understand men, women possibly understand women. You credit us with far too much depth of emotion - your female friends will tell you that your chap has done something out of malice, or a convulted plot to damage your self esteem or to derail your plans for the wedding you started planning two weeks after you met him. It's all bollocks.

The truth is, he is genuinely unaware of half the crap you think he's done on purpose and only vaguely aware of the ramification of things he's tried to do for you. Any man who tells you he understands exactly how you feel is either a) Gay or, b) a Liar. We don't understand you - how can we, when you can bleed for a week each month and not die - we cut our finger and want a bandage and a trip to A&E. We love you dearly, but we don't understand you. In the same way, don't attribute female thought processes to a species that will still laugh at it's own flatulence if left in same-sex company and, it has to be said, even go so far as to call other members of the species into the room to witness a particularly fine bouquet... We're nowhere near as complex as you give us credit. After all, when was the last time you saw a man run out of a room crying, floowed by a woman shouting "What? What have I done now?", with a confused look on their face. Reverse the genders and you've got pretty much every couple on the planet at least once... Vive la Difference!
(Mon 9th Jun 2008, 16:27, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

I must be the only web monkey who hates FaceBook...
I work in T'internet related fields, I use the net for a large proportion of my leisure time and I still loathe Facebook. And Myspace.

I think the problem is that Facebook especially promotes a level of narcissism that is rarely seen outside the realms of a Hollywood Diva. I mean, why should I give a toss what a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-and-acquiantance-of-a-work-colleague is up to? I barely give a toss about what I'm doing, so what in god's name makes you think I care about your sad, trivial existence?!

And the applications. Oh god, the sodding applications. In one week, I've been sent Care Bears, Pirate names, a Pillow fight, fifteen quizzes, four crap games and the option to find out how kinky I am. Why? For the love of god, why? Don't poke me. If you aren't actually my wife and you poked me in the pub, it'd end badly for , so why do people think it's ok to annoy to shit out of me online?

I don't want a constant drip-feed of your activities - "barry is taking a shit", or "sandra is having a PMS day", etc - if I care enough to give a rats' ass about what you're up to, I'll call, or meet you, or email you and ask - that way we can have what we in the human race call a "conversation".

I'm tired of the inanity and I am glad that more and more workplaces are banning access to facebook. If they can only work on stopping ignorant mouth-breathers from playing music on their phones on public transport, I'd be a happy man!

/rant

p.s my Social Networking Gaffe is that whilst hating the pointless vacuity of Facebook, I firmly advocate the use of forums and social networks for groups of people with an actual interest to share (i.e fan sites, etc) - it's the lack of actual interesting content on Facebook that drives me insane...
(Wed 17th Sep 2008, 15:19, More)

» Hypocrisy

Hypocritical pompous eco-veggie twats...and other rants
Things that get my goat:

1) Veggies that use the argument that "if you eat meat you shouldn't be squeamish about the slaughterhouse". Now, I've killed, cleaned and gutted animals myself and to be honest, you don't want to cook it straight away, unless you're starving, but that's more because you're up to your armpits in gore. I reckon that a potato farmer could go right off chips if he had to cook the fuckers as well as grow and harvest them.

2) The fact that any vegetarian is arrogant enough to turn up to a meat-eater's house for dinner, then expect the entire party to eat a vegetarian dish, or for a veggie dish to have been prepared (using all separate utensils), yet if you turn up to a Veggie's house for a barbecue and expect a steak, you'd be called a cunt.

3) On this subject, PETA assholes who think murdering doctors is ok in order to save the life of a few white rats and the odd beagle. I love dogs as much as any man, but for fucks' sake, if nothing else, it doesn't owe the tax payer for eight years of medical school funding, for a start...

4) Environmentalists who claim leather shoes are "evil", so wear leather-free shoes (i.e made from plastic, which is a by-product of the petrochemical industry).

5) The idiots who released the mink for a local mink farm into the wild. Let's see, Mink are a) not indigenous to the UK, b) fucking vicious and, c) bigger than stoats and the other predators we have. Cue a killing spree of epic proportions as the evil little sods kill off any competition for five square miles, then procede to atack the local ducks at the pond, peoples chickens, rabbits, guinea pigs, etc... Not only that, but they are breeding quite happily, so we'll soon have no squirrels left in Surrey. For so-called animal lovers, they a) knew fuck all about mink and b) have caused far more death than letting the mink farm run it's course and go bankrupt (Mink farming in a surrey suburb? Great business plan!). The irony is just exquisite.

6) The fact that modern females will go out, get absolutely shit-faced, dress like a hooker, vomit, belch, fart and pick a fight with any passing stranger, yet expects to be treated like a princess. They're the same sort who, despite flashing her thong to an entire nightclub, her tits to passing cabs and her minge to the world as she pisses in the gutter, would become a shrieking harpy if some drunken bloke dared to try and be suggestive, because obviously "I'm not that type of girl, you sexist pig!", etc, etc... No, you are exactly that type of girl, you drunken slapper - you just haven't gotten the last bacardi breezer down your fat neck that causes you to lumber round the streets grabbing hold of men's arses and trying to fuck anything with a pulse. Reverse the genders and it'd be labelled "thuggish behaviour by adisgraceful lout", but because it's a member of the "fairer" sex, it's ok - it's "girls doin' it for themselves, woo! Yeah, you go girlfriend!" - or, shudder, New Ladette behaviour.

7) Feminists (the type who treat all men like they are shit-flinging primates and who believe women can do no wrong)- they and their mates would happily slag off men and rate potential dates, etc, but if they caught the IT nerds doing the same about girls in the office, etc, they'd have an aneurism.

8) Who here, in this post-Germaine Greer, women-are-just-as-good-if-not-better-than-men, era has ever, ever had a door opened for them by a woman? Or had a girl offer to pay for the meal and not have it come back to bite you in the ass later on? Or how many feminists are happy to let her husband take the paid time off to care for the baby, while they go to work? Where's the fight for 9 months paid Paternity leave? Feminism is a case for having-the-cake-and-eaiting-it - equality means zero preferential treatment, so things like divorce cases should make no differentiation between mothers and fathers in custody decisions - it should be based purely on ability to provide, etc - unlike the 90%+ divorces that give custody to the mother by habit...

So much hypocrisy, so much infuriating crap... Ah, fuck it, I don't care - my wife's ace and gets more wound up by this crap that I do (and she's a proper hippy, too, so that shows how badly these loonies are missing the point!)...

Right, flame on!
(Fri 20th Feb 2009, 12:07, More)