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Just popped down the Garden Centre...


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(Mon 26th Jun 2017, 21:21, More)

Us too! Remember Us?


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(Tue 6th Jun 2017, 20:31, More)

Don't forget UKIP... They're still relevant... please make us relevant... please let us on Question Time...


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Tory Malware

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Da Bomb

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It was the Sun wot won it...


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Trump Redecorates the Oval Office

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Tory Serial Killers #56 - Theresa May

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Tories as Serial Killers, No.34: Michael Gove as Ian Brady

(Tue 12th May 2015, 21:35, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Ripped Off

Train Ticket Ripoff - The Drivers point of view...
So I get up at 3am to drive in a -3 degree winter snowstorm down a major South East motorway which the lazy highways agency hasn't bothered to grit, dispite 3 days warning of snow.

Did I mention it was 3am?

So I get to work, on time, park in a poorly secured staff car park, walk half a mile to my workplace to present myself for work, signing a legal document that absolves the company of any liabiliy should I make a mistake and find out where my train is.

Sadly, the train is still not ready for service, as the night before, several people decided to vomit all over the carriages because they'd had too much to drink. Also, the cleaning staff were still trying to unblock the toilets, remove syringes and remove 3 tons of old newspapers, mc-wrappers and empty cans of stella from every concievable location on board the train.

Once my train is ready for service, I sit in a tiny cab, using techology that is 20 years old (and up until 2 years ago, the train was 40 years old) and attempt to keep to a timetable drawn up by people who have no clue what real life actual is (i.e. civil servants).

And all this to ensure that 1,500 people get to work on time. That's 1.5k people on one train, all the sole responsibility of me, the driver (so stick that where the sun don't shine, Mr 474 pilot).

But wait... I have deranged people trying to kill themselves (messy) and pikey scum trying to kill everyone else by stealing copper cables that run signals and other things that tend to stop death and mayhem. I have drunken idiots (at 10am) pulling emergency cords at 100mph because they wanted to get off three stations ago. I have managers dreaming up ever more efficient ways of ensuring we '110% perform' and 'deliver customer synergy while enforcing customer satisfaction to a quantifiable level'.

And the next time I get spat upon by some commuter because the train is 10 minutes late, due to some children have decided to throw a paving slab off a bridge at an oncoming train for a *laugh*...

I'd like to apologise for the length, but I can't be bothered. If you've voted New Labour since 1997, ask why the railways haven't been re-nationalised (like they promised). The sole reason train fares are aparently so high is that the majority of people voted in idiots who while proclaiming to be 'with the people' are actually shareholders in the private companies who now monopolise the railway franchises.

(So don't have a go at the staff on the ground... we're only trying to do our jobs...)

END OF RANT
(Sun 18th Feb 2007, 1:38, More)

» Neighbours

East End Chavs
Many moons ago – I lived in sunny East London – on an estate made up of four blocks of flats, with a large grassy area in the centre (I say grass – there was actually more dogshit on that patch of parched earth than grass).
I would dread the Summer, when the local chavs would seemingly all decide to throw open their windows and mount speakers on their window ledges, and play the same garage/drum and bass/grime tunes over and over again. Either that or all be relaying the same crappy pirate radio station streaming out much of the same. From some point near Midday when they all got up out of their beds to around midnight – the estate would become a virtual wall of (crappy) sound.

Now this wouldn’t normally bother me during the week, as I actually had a job, but it would become pretty annoying at weekends. So in the interest of ‘joining in’ – I would dig out my PA speakers, ramp up the amp and play classical music - Mozart’s Requeim was a favourite.
Next door lived a Bangladeshi family, the eldest boy was roughly the same age as me, and one afternoon, he knocked on the door, asking if I could do him a favour - he simply hands me a CD and asks me to “Play this for a while on your speakers”. The glint in his eye and the smile said it all – he was on a windup mission.

Cue two hours of traditional Bangladeshi folk music, with some epic vocals and some quite wonderful drum pieces – just the sort of thing to play to wind up the local inbred chav scum. Strangely the inpromptu outdoor drum and bass festival every weekend stopped happening after that.
(Sat 3rd Oct 2009, 13:35, More)

» Council Cunts

Council Contracting...
Worked on a short-term contract for the glorious London Borough of XXX, having been headhunted and promised the earth just to get me onboard.

Due to get paid, and nothing appears in my bank account on payday. Odd Methinks, so I phone the payroll department.

Aparently the right paperwork hasn't been processed, but it's only been 2 weeks since the start of the job, so no big deal - just lump the outstanding pay on the next cheque.

Roll onto the next month - no sign of any pay. Now getting rather short on cash and not a happy bunny seeing my savings being used to prop up my drinking/living. Cue many more phone calls, promises of it all being sorted out and a cheque being drawn especially by the director of finance for me... who happened to mysteriously go on a 3 week holiday (probably using the money they owed me).

It's now 2 days before the next payday, and I'm seriously starting to worry. I've not been out, not drunk anything and there's a rather large bill due any day for the car's service and MOT which I've been trying to put off until all this is sorted.

Payday comes - no payslip, no money deposited. Nothing. I've been checking my online bank account hourly since Midnight and nothing magically arives...
So I calmly walk into the building at around 6am - remove the two switches and patch panels that I had provided for the establishment I was placed in (for which they had not paid for yet either. Un-installed the network management software and collected all the backup tapes (again, all paid for by myself-and not reinbursed for). I placed my keys and swipe card at reception, not forgetting to lock all the servers, (without leaving any passwords) and leave a note for the Director of the Facility to ring me after 10am that day to resolve the situation.

They tried ringing at 7:00, 7:15, 7:30, 8:00, 8:10.etc before I switched my phone back on at 9:58.

The head guy's deputy phoned me at 9:59. (I let the one minute slide just to amuse). Threats were made, mostly revolving me being arrested for theft and vandalism. "Fine" I say - "please telephone for the police, I have all the receipts and invoices for my property, as well as a signed contract that says you'll pay me £x amount to slog my guts out - which you people have failed to do. Now please have the director phone me urgently"

Turns out the Director had absolutely no clue what was going on, nor had he got any memos or notes about my pay situation. His ever reliable deputy had intercepted it all and not *bothered* to authorise any of my payments with the payroll department. Because, as it turns out "I just didn't get around to it".
.
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Lamest cnut-like excuse I've ever heard - and one of the reasons I stopped working for local government - it's staffed and run by people who wouldn't last 10 seconds in the 'real world'

Still - it took them all of 30 seconds to authorise a cheque from another local budget and 2 months later, a written apology from the Chief Executive and damages for costs incurred.
(Mon 30th Jul 2007, 22:56, More)

» Why I was late

Fake delay?
Drove a morning peak-hour train to Cannon Street some weeks ago - when we get there I'm due to 'change ends' and take the now empty train back to the depot.

Walking back through the train, a young bloke asks me if I could do him a favour - could he sit in the carriage and phone his boss to tell him he's going to be late, while I make a PA announcement claiming the train was 'being delayed'.

I nearly asked him if he was a fellow B3tan.

(And yes, I did help him out - I go the extra mile for my commuters! :-)
(Thu 28th Jun 2007, 12:42, More)

» Why I was late

Badger Threat...
...No, seriously, here in the South, where trains run on power from a third rail, badgers pose quite a problem.

Their natural instinct during mating season is to follow the trails back to their home area and find a mate. Sooner or later they'll come across a man-made obstacle - motorway, barn or maybe even a railway line - where their other natural instinct kicks in - 'you don't climb over anything, you -being a badger- must attempt to go under the obstacle'. Cue many badgers providing a handy earth bond between the 750Volt third rail and the ground, which usually results in a dead badger and lots of nasty smelling smoke (and occasionally flames).

Only problem being, when you've got half a large badger carcass laying around the third rail, when you hit one at 100mph - it's not going to do your train much good.

Hence my announcement of 'this train is being delayed due to a badger on fire and wrapped around the underside equipment of the train'...

and a 45 minute delay as I picked dead mammal out of my shoegear.
(Mon 2nd Jul 2007, 22:42, More)
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