You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Post a new message | View older messages | Popular | Search

Not a spanf thread.
There has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth after a new advert for a shopping centre shows Alice in Wonderland as a black girl.

I have been told by supporting this, that I'm directly responsible for the destruction of British culture and values.

Why are your colleagues insufferable dinosaurs?
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:10, Reply)
For similar reasons
One guy was telling me how cash is making a comeback because people are getting sick of using credit cards. Don't know why he thinks that.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:12, Reply)
Colin won't use contactless.
He doesn't trust it. But he hasn't disabled it on his card because he can't be bothered. The fucking weapon.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:27, Reply)
Hells bells
Someone I work with doesn't like the idea of it because he's convinced that you could end up paying for stuff, just by walking past the machine. I told him it doesn't really work like that, but still.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:30, Reply)
I haven't got contactless on my main bank card, but I can't be arsed to phone them up and ask them for it.
So I just buy sandwiches on my credit card instead.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:56, Reply)
The new DJKicks by Lone, and the new fabric mix by Roman Flugel.
Thank me later.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 17:01, Reply)
noted.
New bibio album soon.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 17:04, Reply)
Because I'm a paleontologist...oh hahahaha

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:16, Reply)
haha, great stuff!

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:17, Reply)
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, well their not laughing now..rip Bob

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:22, Reply)
they pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:42, Reply)
he was great

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:57, Reply)
Where did the Nazis force Italian jews to live?
The spaghetto!
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:53, Reply)
still not funny m8

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:57, Reply)

Is so m8
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:58, Reply)
Bloke I work with, couple of years younger than myself, has complained about black people lowering house prices.
He's not racist, though, as it's only a certain class of black person that he takes issue with.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 17:25, Reply)
I am going home a day early
Fuck you friday.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:33, Reply)
i am looking forward to sunday
as it's my birthday
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:00, Reply)
Happy birthday for then, in case I'm either not around or forget

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:05, Reply)
ta :)

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:26, Reply)
Many happy returns
for the day
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:09, Reply)
i will be mostly pissed

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:26, Reply)
Maybe many happy returns is from when you'd get refunds
for all the bottles you took back to the shop after getting drunk
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:36, Reply)
hahahahaha

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:43, Reply)
premature birthday wishes

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:26, Reply)
ta!

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:27, Reply)
LET'S HAVE A NEW THREAD, EVERYBODY!
There's a girl who works in the same building as I do and with whom I've chatted a couple of times, because we both often bike to work. I don't really know anything about this girl other than that she rides a bike; I don't even know her name. Over lunch, I was walking out of the shopping centre opposite the office with my mind on other things and I bumped into her, and I said "Oh! Hi!" and kissed her on both cheeks, as you do in France when you actually know someone. #brainfart
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 12:58, Reply)
Kinky

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:01, Reply)
Sounds it when taken out of context, doesn't it?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:02, Reply)
#metoo

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:02, Reply)
Saw that one coming, lel.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:02, Reply)
bit gay

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:02, Reply)
I know, this whole 'physical contact with women' thing is an indelible brand of faggotry.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:03, Reply)
In situations like this, I often ask myself
what would Jesus do?
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:10, Reply)
He probably would have taken the sandwich he'd just bought out of his bag
and pulled a couple of dozen halibut out of it, before firing up the barbecue in the shopping centre car park.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:12, Reply)
The days of aromatic footbaths are long gone.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:30, Reply)
Talk to Frank(incense).

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:40, Reply)
turn the other cheek

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:42, Reply)
bit rude.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:49, Reply)
One restraining order coming up

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:10, Reply)
Ambassador, with these court orders you are really spoiling us.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:12, Reply)
Have chips with that

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:14, Reply)
It's a bit hot for chips at the moment.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:15, Reply)
Get one of your colleagues to stick a finger up her bum
then she'll forget about your assault or, at least, put it in a much lower category of abuse.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:11, Reply)
Do you work for HM Customs?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:13, Reply)
2can sock puppet

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:15, Reply)
lol

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:16, Reply)

sock finger
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:14, Reply)
lol, bike

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:22, Reply)
he'

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:23, Reply)
What have you got

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:24, Reply)
I've got your number, sunshine.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:26, Reply)
bise mon cul

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:23, Reply)
mdr cul

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:24, Reply)
there's a group of mixed French and English who I see about once a year and I always end up greeting the English people in French, and vice versa, and also bisou the men and shake hands with the women
it's all very confusing
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:32, Reply)
The whole thing is a gigantic clusterfuck.
Not even the French can agree on who should bise whom, or how many times, or even on which cheek you should start.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:33, Reply)
I don't even let female friends kiss me on the cheek, they can keep their germs to themselves

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:42, Reply)

It's the only way forward.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:43, Reply)
I don't like people who want to shake hands all the time either, I saw you in the pub yesterday , leave my hand alone

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:46, Reply)
I find the best way to calm those people is to greet them with a cheery "I've just touched my cock!"

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:47, Reply)
Most leave me alone now, they know I'm protective of my personal space

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:48, Reply)
I just found £30 on the floor, result

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:42, Reply)
that's mine
I dropped it
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:43, Reply)
some of it was mine

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:43, Reply)
I paid you

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:47, Reply)
pay THIS *points at groin*

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:56, Reply)
sure
*throws a penny*
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:03, Reply)
thanks
*spends a penny*
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:05, Reply)
My ex's sister had that happen to her on holiday.
She'd been having an epically crap day, missing ferries, being stuck outside in the rain and losing tickets, when she found a €50 note on the ground. So she treated herself and her friend to a slap-up meal in the nearest restaurant.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:45, Reply)
I've just ordered three records and will have a nicer-than-usual bottle of wine with my dinner

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:29, Reply)
so you found £30 and have spent around £60?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:35, Reply)
yes

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:50, Reply)
nice!
you do know you're forbidden from spending such money on anything sensible, don't you?
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:03, Reply)

b3ta.com/talk/8123823
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:26, Reply)
The French are a disgusting and cowardly people

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:49, Reply)
Nice Brexit t-shirt you've got there.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:50, Reply)
I want to stay in the EU, I want the French to leave.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:55, Reply)
They'll never vote for that.
Marine'd have to get into power before that happened, and the leathery old fascist's career is dead in the water after her meltdown during the last presidential debate. Her infinitely more telegenic niece might have a better shot when she returns to politics in about ten years' time.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:59, Reply)
I didn't want a lecture mate.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:11, Reply)
Since when has it ever been about what people *want* on here?
What is this, the Democratic People's Republic of Beeter?
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:12, Reply)
Not medically correct but I smiled
imgur.com/a/LNFfN
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:51, Reply)
lol

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:51, Reply)
I swear that old dog was my age or older, now she's only 39

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:54, Reply)
third marriage down the toilet already

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:58, Reply)
I feel a little bad saying this
but based on everything I'd read about that kid, I never thought he'd make it to adulthood.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:54, Reply)
guilty
I liked it best when he said "Hello cunt" on live tv
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:57, Reply)
Piers Morgan interview?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:05, Reply)
close, Loose Women
www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NZIkUYW8R8
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:08, Reply)
He's not that thick then

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:09, Reply)
Considering his parents, I think he's doing better than expected

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:13, Reply)
Still some of my best work
www.b3ta.com/talk/7900597
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:22, Reply)
*audience gasps*

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:22, Reply)
What's the opposite of lol?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:53, Reply)
y'know that noise Marge Makes when she's displeased at Homer?
Well, that.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:55, Reply)
Yeah, that.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:01, Reply)
Your posts

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 14:58, Reply)
I'm not known as b3ta's shining wit for nothing, y'know.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:01, Reply)
if she didn't look scared or offended, you're well in
hold off on the bondage for a while, though
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:01, Reply)
Ehhh.
She was very cool about it and, when I bumped into her again on the way back from lunch, she used the familiar "tu" form of address with me.

But she's got at least two kids and I think she's married.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:13, Reply)
well you've set a precedent
so if you do it again, she can't get pissed off about it because she's not told you not to do it again
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:22, Reply)
Gotcha.
Actually I probably have to do it again now, since I've set a precedent. She might look at me strangely the next time if I didn't do it.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:24, Reply)
I think you should stop harassing married women.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:27, Reply)
I don't know how he sleeps at night

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:28, Reply)
With someone else's wife, I expect.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:36, Reply)
\o/
I was going to post this but then I went to the loo and you beat me to it.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 15:49, Reply)
to the answer, or to someone else's wife?
if it's the latter, you really shouldn't call her it, unless she bears a striking resemblance to tim curry
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 16:02, Reply)
Lunchy-wunchy nom noms thread

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 12:32, Reply)
teh baconzz!

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 12:34, Reply)
Nommy nyoms

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 12:37, Reply)
Cayke!!@!

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 12:38, Reply)
h00m00se

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 12:41, Reply)
I had home-made sauerkraut
with my sausage, mash and gravy. It was very good indeed.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 12:35, Reply)
I like sauerkraut
there
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 12:51, Reply)
You like sauerkraut *there*?
really? There? Doesn't it make a mess?
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:10, Reply)
wanker

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 12:48, Reply)
Rude.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:00, Reply)
Hello, you stupid wanker's, it's-a me, Richardo.
I'm planning a trip to Lisbon. What are you planning?

Soon be Christmas. great, huh?
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:51, Reply)
yo Slick Rich

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:54, Reply)
sup foo'?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:01, Reply)
We were discussing this very thing last night
I'd like to go to Amsterdam.

And yes, it is nearly christmas.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:57, Reply)
I like Amsterdam, but since the smoking ban it's not for me anymore

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:00, Reply)
Haven't the Dutch police gone on record as saying they're going to ignore the smoking ban?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:02, Reply)
They won't let you smoke tobacco indoors , same as here, so you either use the herbal shit to roll a joint, or smoke outside, many coffee shops have closed due to this

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:04, Reply)
Hmm.
Tbh, the idea of tobacco-free joints sounds pretty appealing to me, but that obviously doesn't mean it's not tearing the arse out of the tourist industry over there.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:07, Reply)
the last time I was there most coffee shop owners just said to keep the tobacco out of sight
admittedly this was a few years ago and not long after the ban came in
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:57, Reply)
I'm planning to smash the patriarchy

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:00, Reply)
Right on, sister!

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 13:21, Reply)
I went to Lisbon last year.
Have the pastéis de nata and go to the castle of São Jorge. Or don't. It's, like, your call, man.

Going to head down to my dad's for Christmas, I reckon. My brother's going down as well so it'll be the opportunity to get the clan together.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:01, Reply)
it's not my turn to have my daughter this Christmas which is a big shame

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:02, Reply)
Damn.
Is there a recipe for 'Christmas turkey stuffed with massive drugs'?
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:05, Reply)
We'll be staying down at my mother's so it will be well-behaved, child or not
Thinking of a fancy dinner whilst we're there, at this place: www.opentable.co.uk/the-chesil-rectory
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:25, Reply)

ory um
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:26, Reply)
no m8

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:26, Reply)
I love that place
So consider that a recommendation
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:27, Reply)
The Black Rat is pretty good too

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:34, Reply)
#ThatsHelpfulTH

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:35, Reply)
agreed

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:51, Reply)
Haven't been there for ages, mind

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:55, Reply)
I last ate there the night before my dad emigrated the US, jolly nice tucker

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:54, Reply)
beautiful building too

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:56, Reply)
oldest house in Winch apparently

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:11, Reply)
Looks noice.
Desserts with "popping candy"...looks like somebody's been watching a bit of Heston Blumenthal on the telly.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:30, Reply)
Sounds like something you'd get at Pizza Hut.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:31, Reply)
I do miss their crunchy bacon sprinkles.
A liberal dash of those and bleu cheese sauce on your salad...now that was decent.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:35, Reply)
They still have those.
I always have to discourage my kids from filling their salad bowls with nothing but bacon bits.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:38, Reply)
Ha! They're worse than drugs, I tell you.
It's been yonks since I last went to Pizza Hut and there aren't any where I live. You can apparently buy the bacon goodness via the distribution channels of teh interwebz, though.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:40, Reply)
I think morrisons salad bar has that as well.
I too haven't been to a pizza hut in yonks. One of the resturants closed down and I'm not sure if there was another. As a teenager they were great for the buffet gluttony.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:46, Reply)
They were that.
Ironically for a fat knacker buffet restaurant, they probably resulted in me eating a lot more vegetables than I might otherwise have done.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:49, Reply)
Most supermarkets carry bacon flavour soy chips, if you really need a fix.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:08, Reply)
In the UK, maybe.
Some of the posher ones over her probably do them; I've never thought to look.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:10, Reply)
Oh. Where are you, then?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:13, Reply)
France, monsieur.
Have been for the past 11 years.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:19, Reply)
I know they put bacon in the mc'ds salads there. Or did ~15 years ago 'cos my veggie auntie was moaning 'she couldn't even eat that'.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 12:31, Reply)
Lol.
The last time my aunt came to visit, I took her out to a gourmet restaurant and she was terrified by how foreign all the food sounded. She ended up having a slice of plain ham, with chips.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 12:37, Reply)
lol
At the breakfast buffet after the wedding we went to in Bristol the other week my kid ate 7 slices of bacon and nothing else
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:55, Reply)
She'll go far, that one.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:57, Reply)
My eldest will happily breakfast on nothing but dry bread.
The fucking weirdo.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:07, Reply)
Is he called Elwood?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:19, Reply)
Yup, the other one wants a whole fried chicken

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:28, Reply)
I let my kids stay at home Christmas as it's just me, but boxing day we'll be down the dogs larging it

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:05, Reply)
If you love abroad so much, why don't you go and live there?
#richardmcbexit
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:06, Reply)
racist

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:26, Reply)
mcbeef isn't a race.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:27, Reply)
you are FUCKING sick

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:28, Reply)
He should go wherever he buys his records from
And stay there
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:29, Reply)
Oxfam

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:30, Reply)
'the internet'?
already here, bro
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:53, Reply)
are you still on the spectrum
with regards to how you store your records?
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:54, Reply)
Interesting that you equate organisation and tidiness with mental illness

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:55, Reply)
Oh hello new person

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:59, Reply)
they're in crates by genre, no autistic filing system for me

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:55, Reply)
I keep mine on an ipod

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:02, Reply)
Isn't genre somewhat subjective?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:09, Reply)
yes
but there aren't many of my records which fit more than one category, really. Rock records with breakbeats on being an exception
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:11, Reply)
'Music that taught us how to love again'
'Music from mobile phone adverts'
'Music to do the ironing to'
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:23, Reply)
'music for going poo-poo to'
'music for hitting my wife'
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:26, Reply)
'Music for when I just need a bloody good cry!'

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:51, Reply)
"Music that features Amen Breaks"
"Music by musician who wears a wig"
"Music that annoys Two Hats"
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:26, Reply)
'Music that I don't know who done it'

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:46, Reply)
I've got two boxes, m8
'Music' and 'Not Music'
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:20, Reply)
So...
Records in one
Bits of string, post-it notes, biros, shoe polish, old keys and a bag of pipe cleaners in the other then?
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:28, Reply)
Anything that's not music, yes

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:49, Reply)
Kids this weekend I think, son's 13 next month, time flies

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:06, Reply)
doesn't it just

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:23, Reply)
a spree killing

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:25, Reply)
I'm planning an extention to my penus
What with all yer sexy Christmas talk
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:26, Reply)
aka The Penus Christmas Special, with Linus and Lucy.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:05, Reply)
It's the great penus, charlie brown

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:12, Reply)
I'm about ready for a Christmas holiday

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:01, Reply)
suicide

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:10, Reply)
A trip to Willie Degel's Uncle Jack’s Steakhouse

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:17, Reply)
"If you can't see the problem, you can't solve the problem."

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:21, Reply)
*winces*

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:25, Reply)
he sounds great to work for

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:29, Reply)

problem penus
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 12:36, Reply)
MORNING!!!!!

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 6:50, Reply)
Alright vlad

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 6:58, Reply)
good morning mongy
how are things shaping up so far today
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 7:04, Reply)
Might go back to bed vlad

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 7:28, Reply)
quite right

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 7:45, Reply)
I've decided I'm up now so might as well make the most of it, what you up to vlad

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 7:56, Reply)
I think he's enjoying a protracted morning dump

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:30, Reply)
Vlad

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 7:04, Reply)
hello dozers

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 7:04, Reply)
Alright, my cats got snipped yesterday, they are pulling my heartstrings

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 7:30, Reply)
be wary of them seeking revenge

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 7:46, Reply)

They don't seem too bothered about it.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 7:55, Reply)

ca nu
heart banjo
s
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:20, Reply)
Hihi vlad
Morning all
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 7:42, Reply)
H.B.Mupps good morning

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 7:45, Reply)
Hi Vlad.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 7:50, Reply)
Morning Mr Pig

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:30, Reply)
Now that's a good, high-voltage start to the morning.
Shaht ahts to everyone up bright and early.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:06, Reply)
Started well,
but didn't last the distance
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:30, Reply)
Well, I'm taking all the positive energy I can get at the moment.
My boss is in a cataclysmically foul mood and has been ranting and raving about her problem kids ever since she got in. Roll on the weekend.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:39, Reply)
What have you got planned?
I know there will be an official weekend thread later or tomorrow, but let's keep this energy rolling!!
I'm really looking forward to the US grand prix, it's one of the best tracks of the year, and as it's the evening I can settle in with a few beers and watch the whole lot live and uninterrupted.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:43, Reply)
Going out for a drink with a big group tomorrow; there'll be about thirty of us, officially.
The wallet's going to take a bit of a belting because the venue's an expensive one, but what the hell.

Is the US grand prix broadcast live, meaning you have to stay up until silly o'clock?

Saturday night: queer film evening at the local art-house cinema. Bit gay.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:49, Reply)
Race is 8pm our time thankfully.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:51, Reply)
How very considerate of them.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:54, Reply)
She sounds delightful
ask her if she's read/watched We Need To Talk About Kevin
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:43, Reply)
I've not seen that but I've just read the Wikipedia entry on it.
Right now I think it'd hit a bit too close to home for her. The events are not that dissimilar to what she's going through.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:52, Reply)
That does not bode well

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:04, Reply)
No, it doesn't, really.
She's starting to be afraid for her own safety because he's eleven years old, as big as she is and arguably stronger, and her arms and legs are covered with bruises at the moment. She's been steadily losing weight for months now and is living on little more than nervous energy.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:10, Reply)
Are the local authority involved?
Domestic violence isn't something to be taken lightly.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:13, Reply)
The kid's been in and out of therapy and psychiatric care for the past year or so.
How does it even work in circumstances like these? When the mother beats the son, you call social services and the son gets placed in foster care, but when the son beats the mother? Even the most optimistic therapists they've seen have said it's going to take years until he's back to normal.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:19, Reply)
Not really an expert, to be honest, but I'd expect some degree of social services involvement.
Sounds rather unpleasant. Maybe she should just chin the kid, authority through as-kicking, as it were.
lol, making light of a serious situation.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:27, Reply)
She's lost it and belted him one on a couple of occasions already.
lol, domestic violence!
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:32, Reply)
Haha, we have a right laugh, &c.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:42, Reply)
Sufficient smacking when they're small is enough to overcome most lifelong brain chemical imbalances, I read it on the internet

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:33, Reply)

I would hope there are professionals to deal with this and enough resources to stop a psychologically damaged and violent child becoming a dangerous criminal adult. I would have though this is the point you still have a chance and investment at this point will save so much pain and cost further down the line.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:29, Reply)
Haha, sufficiently resourced mental health provision!
Pull the other one, it's got A&E waiting times statistics
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:32, Reply)
I know. It's truly terrifying.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:38, Reply)
Yeah, agreeing with you here.
The problem is that he has no sense of proportion whenever something goes wrong. He was bullied pretty severely for a couple of years and didn't tell his parents, and he just bottled it up until he completely flipped his lid and lashed out at anyone within reach. Now, whenever the slightest little thing doesn't go his way, he reacts with exactly the same, totally disproportionate level of violence.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:37, Reply)
I so never want to have children

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:39, Reply)
Got my vasectomy lined up for the beginning of December.
w00t
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:43, Reply)
they're not all like that m8

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:45, Reply)
Other people's children are near universally unbearable.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:47, Reply)
Yeah, some are worse

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 11:24, Reply)
He has a promising future as a Hollywood producer.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:42, Reply)
He's more punchy than rapey, so that probably disqualifies him.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:44, Reply)
Now I know nothing whatsoever about childhood conditions, but I did spend 3 minutes on mumsnet the other day, therefore I know what I'm talking about when I say "sounds like autistic spectrum"

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:42, Reply)
At what age should I get my child his first penis beaker?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:46, Reply)

i.imgur.com/eS9Pus1.jpg
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:47, Reply)
Horace!

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:54, Reply)
Five exclamation marks
that's strident for ten to seven in the MORNING!
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:12, Reply)
Well this is nice
Bit of positivity for a change
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:13, Reply)
It's the best morning thread in ages

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:15, Reply)
HULLO

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:20, Reply)
Hello
it's a Thursday
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:31, Reply)
Good morning

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:27, Reply)
It's a belter

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:31, Reply)
Good morning vladimir

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:35, Reply)
Alright Spanf

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:43, Reply)
Alright windy
What exciting things will you be doing today
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:18, Reply)
Lord mayor is visiting so I might be on TV.
Be sure to wave if you see me.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:23, Reply)
I wont.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 10:28, Reply)
morning vlad
how nice to see you at this time of day
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:44, Reply)
or at least it would have been if you were still here

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:55, Reply)
He's probably off doing something really cool and important.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 8:59, Reply)
I'm Willie Degel AMA

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:01, Reply)
lol willie

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:02, Reply)
Who would win in a fight between you, Guy Fieri and Adam Richman

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:04, Reply)
I would

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:05, Reply)
No one wins in that fight
we ALL lose
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:11, Reply)
They should fight until they all collapse from exhaustion.
Then they can be carted off, minced and made into burgers, and the world will be a more wholesome place.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:12, Reply)
Hi Willie
The mere sound of your voice makes me angry, have you ever thought about never being on television again? Because I really think you should.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:31, Reply)

LETTER TO THE DIVINE FEMININE,
FROM THE WOUNDED MASCULINE
——
I know that words can never heal the wounds we have created.

But on behalf of men everywhere, I want to say I’m sorry.

So incredibly sorry.

For everything.

The harassment.
The abuse.
The rape.

I can’t even begin to imagine the pain we have inflicted upon you.

Centuries of oppression.

Pain passed down thru generations.

Your voices silenced.
Your bodies shamed.
Your hearts assaulted.

All of pain and all of the wounds we have created, have come from our own.

The Wounded Masculine.

If you close your eyes, you will see it.

Thousands of little boys, with thousands of hurting hearts.

Staring out into the darkness, afraid.

Hurting, without being able to voice our pain. Crying, without being able to show our tears.

Asked to stand strong and toughen up.

So we bottle up our anger.
Store our confusion.
Repress our emotions.

And these little boys, lost and confused, are raised with this conditioning.

And with no space to share and process their pain, they hold it in.

Stored on a cellular level, and wanting to be expressed.

But it’s not.

So it remains stuck, and it builds up within.

And as fear-based emotions stew within, they mold into fear-based actions.

Anger.
Abuse.
Violence.

And eventually, they are released in a rage of fury upon the women of the world.

And this deafening silence is passed down from fathers to sons, one generation after another.

But it stops here.

It’s time for us as men to put an end to the oppression, and provide the divine feminine with the pure unconditional love that she deserves.

The only way we stop inflicting these wounds, is to heal our own.

And as the Wounded Masculine heals, the Divine Masculine steps forward.

Out of the shadows, and into his light.

It's time for us to heal that which has been hidden.

To nurture that which has been neglected.

To speak that which has been shamed.

Calling forward all men to acknowledge the pain and hurt which has moved them to hurt others, and inviting them to step into a space where we share and express and heal this pain.

A safe space, where we truly listen and lead with love over fear.

So we can finally replace all the anger and abuse and violence it's been causing, and transmute it back into our only truth:

Love.

And as we heal our own pain and come back to love, we finally provide the space for the divine feminine to heal the wounds we have inflicted upon her.

As we heal together, we rise together.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:01, Reply)
shut up and shag me

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:03, Reply)
This is very important
I'm glad you posted this, thank you
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:03, Reply)
I can tell you are wounded too
stay strong brother x
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:15, Reply)
I just feel so bad for all of those women WE (because we're ALL to blame) hurt so badly

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:16, Reply)
Oh man, anyone white, male or straight is fucked now, neverending guilt through association ahead, right guys?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:22, Reply)
in many ways we are the real victims here

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:30, Reply)
Might go watch some stripper's to cheer myself up, that's still ok right?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:36, Reply)
Have a friendly chat with each first, make sure they're strong independent women doing it by choice and to feel empowered

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:39, Reply)
You would have loved the workshop take on the #metoo movement.
A really sensible frank and honest discussion about how much they really do seem to hate women
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:05, Reply)
The fuck is this shit?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:06, Reply)
just be thankful I didn't post the picture that accompanied it

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:13, Reply)
oh god
what was it?
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:13, Reply)
me, topless on a beach, with my most sincere expression on my face, next to where I have scratched the words "I'M SORRY" in the sand
hoping this is going to score me some top notch poon
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:23, Reply)
You're going to LOVE my dick!

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:24, Reply)
It was a Minion, wasn't it?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:14, Reply)
lol

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:15, Reply)
#notallminions

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:24, Reply)
#miniontoo

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:26, Reply)
Many a valid message has been smothered by cringeworthy teenage free verse.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:07, Reply)
Somebody needs a pint

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:15, Reply)
Morning.
Glad to see the enthusiasm petered out quickly.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:04, Reply)

wanky wank wank wank
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:05, Reply)
Lol petered

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:05, Reply)
Oh boy! Look who's coming to town!
www.portsmouth.co.uk/our-region/portsmouth/tory-mp-jacob-rees-mogg-and-comedian-omid-djalili-to-appear-on-portsmouth-s-question-time-1-8202732
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:27, Reply)
Omid Djalili was great in The Mummy, and that episode of Black Books.
Can't think of anything positive to say about Rees Mogg, though.
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:30, Reply)
David Mitchell's wife WELL fancies him.
/ac
(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:37, Reply)
Haha, I love it when Omid Djalili does his funny middle eastern voice!!!

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:37, Reply)
Another comedian with one joke

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:40, Reply)
he's no Jeff Dunham

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:49, Reply)
I'm just glad it's still okay to laugh at funny foreigners.

(, Thu 19 Oct 2017, 9:44, Reply)
totally pushing that prick down the board

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 21:23, Reply)
WANK

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 22:01, Reply)
Only slightly

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 23:01, Reply)
Come 7am everyone will suddenly reply

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 23:02, Reply)
Quick reminder
www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/26235
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 23:27, Reply)
washing my hair that night
can we maybe do next day 3pm-4ish?
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 23:51, Reply)
Alright my lovelies
I have been back to the shop and paid the nice gentleman for his sexual favours.

But since being back at the hotel I have set the fire alarm off.

What are your methods for sureuptisiouslby smoking in hotel rooms?
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 18:56, Reply)
NOW who's the stupid one eh?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 18:57, Reply)
dozer

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 19:01, Reply)
that shopkeeper had a plan all along,
"he think he so smart," he mused to himself, "but he'll be back with the money.. and then" a wry smile on his face "he'll go back to his hotel room and set his hair on fire somehow"
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 19:01, Reply)

I prefer to set them off, it's the only way to get the attention of your fellow guests when you need rescuing because you've been deliberately locked in a confined space by an untrustworthy company man who is hellbent on getting a contraband alien back to earth
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 19:00, Reply)

tbh might have misunderstood the question a bit
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 19:01, Reply)

ok though because only you, me and mgt are going to read this anyway
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 19:01, Reply)
you, me and MGT
sounds like the start of a rap
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 19:06, Reply)
see I am the grrrmachine and I like to say morning

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 19:26, Reply)
grrRIP :'(

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 20:11, Reply)
pricks, all of you

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 21:19, Reply)
Erm...

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 19:01, Reply)
come on we've all been there

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 19:05, Reply)
I've got this clever trick called "not smoking".
100% record of not setting off alarms.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 19:08, Reply)
Classic beeter humour!

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 19:30, Reply)
FUCKLIFT!

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 20:03, Reply)
FP this reply now

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 20:38, Reply)
Dribble

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 21:03, Reply)
$$

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 22:01, Reply)
Hiya!

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 17:25, Reply)
morning

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 17:38, Reply)
Eveninh

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 17:51, Reply)
SSG

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 17:58, Reply)
oh my goodness I've missed out on the chance for stavros chat, I miss the then times :(

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 18:54, Reply)
don't worry,
there'll still be a chance to write a reply and feel like you were a part of it, for about another week or so
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 18:56, Reply)
oh the bottom of the board is only from yesterday,
it's moving FAST
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 18:57, Reply)
*ziiiiing*

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 19:02, Reply)
ha
I was amused by the sight of your dr who comment flying overhead
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 18:58, Reply)
I wouldn't be vlad, these new immigrants from qftw are odd, one told me about my use of comma's the other week ffs

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 20:00, Reply)
thats abs'olutely, outrageous, I hope you t'old them to fuck, off,

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 20:10, Reply)
I decided I'd leave and never post again

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 20:18, Reply)
Thread for all you boppers out there that have spanish on the ol' 'two point oh'
Hallo everybodypeeps - haha, like 'Stavros' used to say!
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:30, Reply)
Dr Who is shit

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:34, Reply)
I love sci fi and I'm still inclined to agree with you on this

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:41, Reply)
It's all gone a bit pants over the years.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:44, Reply)
^
It's meant for children though.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:51, Reply)
i hate to break it to you guys
but it was actually just a joke about Stavros/Davros
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:08, Reply)
oh come on you're having a go at bobby davro now??

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:20, Reply)
out of order

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:25, Reply)
If they gave Corden an MBE, he should be worthy of Victoria Cross.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:27, Reply)
at the least
they should make him an earl or something
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:40, Reply)
Earl Sinclair.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8vmlww9708
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:47, Reply)
yes

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:46, Reply)
Alright.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:36, Reply)
I am indeed, you?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:46, Reply)
yeah not bad.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:57, Reply)
Is that a Harry Enfield reference? It is, isn't it?
Haven't watched that twat in ages.

It's coming perilously close to td;fo time. Anyone doing anything interesting tonight?
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:37, Reply)
If I saw that spanishfly I'd be all like "OIIII SPANISH, NOOOW!".

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:39, Reply)
Yeah, Harry Enfield wasn't really ever funny, was he?
I saw he came out with a 'new' series a few years ago that was famously shit, but his early stuff was pretty much total shit as well. Remember that sketch about the Scousers? Laziest and most lowbrow attempt at comedy I've ever seen, and I've seen Hale and Pace.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:44, Reply)
I rather like some of his stuff tbh

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:47, Reply)
I can't say I'm massively surprised to find that out, Richard.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:48, Reply)
His Nelson Mandela impression is great

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:05, Reply)
Oh is Harry Enfield is die too?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:30, Reply)
pardon?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:43, Reply)
Fuck
Well, there's no way to change that now
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 17:00, Reply)
I liked him when I was a kid
His recent-ish sketch with Corbett was pretty good
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:52, Reply)
I wrote him off as awful for many years but caught a recent series with Paul Whitehouse that had some funny bits
A hilarious 'South African in London' character
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:04, Reply)
I saw a Fry and Laurie sketch I really liked the other day, Dr Tobacco.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:08, Reply)
Best comedy sketch show of all time

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:13, Reply)
creamy old england

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 18:56, Reply)
I'm looking forward to the Bob Mortimer / Whitehouse fishing show
www.comedy.co.uk/tv/news/2802/paul_bob_go_fishing
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:14, Reply)
I'd watch that, that's a good pairing

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:24, Reply)
k, just going to point out I could strikethrough t make this fisting, but won't 'cos I'm above it.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:28, Reply)
You're restraint is an inspiration to us all

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:42, Reply)
I remember an outtake from one of his shows
Where he abandonded a sketch halfway through because it just wasn't funny.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:52, Reply)
Surely you're not telling me the man has some sort of artistic integrity?
Or had, at some stage, presumably, before he managed to strangle it and get back to pumping out shite.

Also, I saw a comedy contest on teh telly a couple of years ago where one of the contestants stopped his sketch halfway through, because he didn't think it was funny. The jury were really encouraging and urged him to stick it through to the end, and he did, and it wasn't funny.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:52, Reply)
I can't imagine there's any comedian who is proud of 100% of their work
some things work better on paper, I suppose
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:54, Reply)
Oh, granted.
Spike Milligan was a ferocious critic of his own work; then again, he did suffer from depression all his life.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:56, Reply)
I find Enfields problem was that he'd have a good idea/observation and ruin it by hammering it to death.
this is a good example:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCbD6MZqQWM

It's just too long and they repeat the hislop "total cock-up" and pen-tap too many times.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:03, Reply)
At Edinburgh this year I saw a free show with Michael Legge and Caroline Maybe that was comprised of stuff that was "too shit to go in our proper shows".
They encouraged people to leave when they'd had enough, lots of people did.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:59, Reply)
I enjoyed it when I was younger but doubt I'd enjoy it now.
Angry Frank was quite a good observation on angry nutters in pubs, but no doubt there were far too many of them made.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:56, Reply)

gry ne
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:08, Reply)
funny old day

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:53, Reply)
runny old gay MORE LIKE

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:05, Reply)
granted

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:07, Reply)
rum bum

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:24, Reply)
Alright cock

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:43, Reply)
si senor, are you?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:44, Reply)
^ lives in Leigh

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 17:00, Reply)
Ha.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 16:56, Reply)
I just bought some stuff in a shop in Cheltenham and went to pay on my card
Card machine was broken. Guy behind the counter says “you can pay me next time”

When was the last time you were astonished by someone’s stupidity?
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:48, Reply)
and then you bent him over and penetrated him anally

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:51, Reply)
It's okay, you can wear protection next time

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:53, Reply)
that's fair

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:57, Reply)
Big Jimmy borrowed the college van and crashed it in to a tree.
How have you managed to upset your boss?

To be fair to big Jimmy, he hasn't driven since 1995 apparently.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:40, Reply)
Who is Big Jimmy?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:43, Reply)
*points at crotch*

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:43, Reply)
Ah...so 'borrowed the college van and crashed it into a tree' is a euphamism for.....

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:46, Reply)
snapping my banjo string

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:46, Reply)
fuck

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:47, Reply)

*grimaces*
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:18, Reply)
*hamburglars*

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:41, Reply)
*mayor mccheeses*

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:29, Reply)
He's one of the yard men.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:48, Reply)
the blues group?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:49, Reply)
That was the yard birds no?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:51, Reply)
Come on, m8
Do you honestly think that Big Jimmy has what it takes to be in the Yardbirds?
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:52, Reply)
Big Jimmy Page?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:58, Reply)
He struggles with stairs

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:58, Reply)
Well they can be complicated

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:59, Reply)
It's the way they go up, then in, then up, then in.
It's like a wall that can't make its mind up.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:12, Reply)
What, he's Jamaican?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:11, Reply)
No mate.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:24, Reply)

ate on
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:41, Reply)
that's sexist you've got to say "yard people" now

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:52, Reply)
Never upset a boss at my current job
Upset plenty of them at Clintons, mind
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:48, Reply)
To a special son,
You're adopted, and we don't really like you.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:50, Reply)
Worst one (apart from Happy Valentine's from the Dog)
was "With sympathy for the loss of your child". Because apparently, just "Sympathy" isn't enough, you need to be reminded what you've lost.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:51, Reply)
Lol.
"With sympathy for the loss of your car keys".
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:53, Reply)
One year, I bought my parents a card saying "Merry Christmas to Mum and her partner"
She didn't find it as LOL as I did
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:55, Reply)
Some people have no sense of humour.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:57, Reply)
I sent my cousin a card saying "Happy Birthday, Mohammed!"
His name isn't Mohammed, you see
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:58, Reply)
I hope he changed it by deed poll

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:19, Reply)
might steal this.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:36, Reply)
one time i sent my gran a card for her birthday
that featured only a drawing of a slice of watermelon and the words "a slice of watermelon" all around the edges. She thought i'd, quote, "gone funny".
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:15, Reply)
Aw

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:17, Reply)
i was 28 years old

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:18, Reply)
Ah

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:19, Reply)
bit of Stewart Lee there,
i think i would have been about 20.. but it occurs to me i may have given the wrong impression. i didn't draw it. this was a card i bought in a shop, because i thought it was so bizarre that i just couldn't not send it to somebody. so she kind of had a point tbh. but i still stand by my decision.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:21, Reply)
I think it was a lovely thought
The best reason to send someone a card, is no reason at all.

Now THAT should be on a card.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:31, Reply)
it was also her birthday,
that's why i was in a card shop

but you are right. you know what. i should just send her a card for no reason.

i mean for that reason. the reason that is no reason that i should send it for no reason is a good reason aaaaa my head hurts now this is all your fault
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:32, Reply)
I'll send you a card

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:40, Reply)
i ain't stopping you

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:41, Reply)
you do sound like you've "gone funny" now though

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:31, Reply)
The message inside this card reads: Happy Racism Day!

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:41, Reply)
are watermelons racist?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:44, Reply)
Depends. Did you put a KFC gift voucher in there too?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:49, Reply)
No of course not.



burger king
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:59, Reply)
You could summon one in Scribblenauts by writing "sambo".

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:06, Reply)
one time my dad bought my mum a birthday card at the last minute,
got it home and realised he'd picked up the wrong envelope and the card didn't fit in it so he just tore the envelope down one side and left it poking out. she was not very amused.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:24, Reply)
"Sympathies for your recent diagnosis of Incredible Hulk Syndrome"

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:29, Reply)
i mean he left the card poking out of the envelope,
get your mind out of the gutter
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:37, Reply)
I've got form for leaving the price labels on the cards.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 15:34, Reply)
poor chompy :(

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:56, Reply)
you were just too real for them

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:55, Reply)
I didn't give a heck, m8

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:55, Reply)
Mind yer language mate, this is a family forum.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:59, Reply)
There was an episode of a documentary I saw last year in which something strikingly similar happened.
A young apprentice plumber took the company van on a call-out, took a junction too quickly and rammed into someone coming the other way. The van was a complete write-off and the boss was interviewed saying "No, no, I don't think we're going to take him on, no", while visibly resisting the urge to smash both fists down on his desk.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:59, Reply)
Seems a pretty short documentary.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:03, Reply)
More stuff happened in it than that but the rest is not relevant for the purposes of this discussion innit.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:05, Reply)
thanks for the spoilers, I was going to watch that

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:04, Reply)
That's only the teaser trailer - you'll never believe what happens next!

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:16, Reply)
I sent her an email saying suck my arsehole you fat fucking bitch and now I've got the rest of the week off, try it yourself

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:03, Reply)
What, try sucking your arsehole?
And they say romance is dead.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:05, Reply)
i'm off sick today :(
i've only been there 5 weeks, mind you, can't believe i still get paid for it, is this what being middle class is like?
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:50, Reply)
I declined his offer to watch him take a shower,
and I'll never work in Hollywood again.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:57, Reply)
Big Jimmy driving, through the city
Left turn, right turn, run into a tree
Either in the college van, or he's in a car
Since he's had these problems he can't walk very far
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:03, Reply)

Left turn, right turn, run into a tree
Either in the college van, or he's in a car
Since he's had these problems he can't walk very far


K-I-S-S-I-N-G
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:37, Reply)
I've got a halloween party on Saturday
and I have no idea what to dress up as. I'm actually getting quite stressed about it as the people throwing the party are putting in a lot o effort and if I get it right it'll be worth the effort.

What is causing you angst at the moment?
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:57, Reply)
Nothing really
But on the subject of halloween costumes I'm rocking a plague doctor costume this year
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:58, Reply)
I'm thinking of going as a bomb victim
getting a suit from the charity shop, burn it in patches, use some liquid latex to put gashes all round my head and scorch a cheap wig.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:00, Reply)
That could work
Wouldn't wear something like that round my area though, people are still touchy about the MEN Arena bombing
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:05, Reply)
I'd have a tramp trying to steal my wallet
if I did that round your way
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:06, Reply)
Strikey g tramp / random Mancunian

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:07, Reply)
Go as Harvey Weinstein, topical and edgy

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:02, Reply)
a dozen dunkin' donuts
three times a day from now until then then
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:07, Reply)
Everyone's a winner

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:08, Reply)
Working with people who are at their wits' end and pissed off on a permanent basis.
The silence in the office is broken only by a heavy sigh and a "Fuck's sake..." hissed through gritted teeth every thirty seconds. Peace and love, maaaan.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:03, Reply)
alright Ringo

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:05, Reply)
Alright, Honeybunny.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:09, Reply)
Go as garidead off the internet
Fucking fancy dress, what a load of shit - especially big-effort Halloween parties. This isn't America, fuck off with that bollocks.

Nothing's causing me angst, thanks m8
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:05, Reply)
Well, the host is from California
and sent her husband round to ours to hide the invites in our living room - we found boxes with typed threats, pictures of our friends and fake severed body parts behind the cushions on the sofa.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:08, Reply)
christ

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:11, Reply)
fucking americans

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:12, Reply)
What a fucking wankee

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:22, Reply)
No, they were very well done!
we were very impressed.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:29, Reply)
Still waiting on the hospital report on my baby

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:06, Reply)
Would some tasteless humour allivate the tension?
or shall I say that sounds very tough, hoping you and yours have plenty of support and wishing you all the best. Sending positive vibes.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:11, Reply)
Hopefully they will have opened her up and had a look at the insides by the end of the week

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:18, Reply)
All the best mocho

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:21, Reply)
my Islamic faith

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:08, Reply)
I've always admired your piety, m8

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:12, Reply)
Cheers

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:17, Reply)
I also have Halloween costume angst.
I don't really want to dress up, but we're playing a gig that night so we ought to really.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:13, Reply)
Doing it for money is different
Also, doing it for a laugh is ok, I suppose. But if it's causing anxiety, then you shouldn't do it. "I didn't want to" is a perfectly good answer to the question "why didn't you dress up?".
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:15, Reply)
My sister had a 'Best of British' themed party recently
I didn't go
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:16, Reply)
you could have gone as a ham

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:17, Reply)
*slaps forehead*
NOW you tell me
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:18, Reply)
that's costume sorted.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:51, Reply)
You could have gone as a fat Harry Hill

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:21, Reply)


(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:23, Reply)
Again

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:34, Reply)
so hurtful

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:43, Reply)
you could have gone as a dvd boxed set of only fools and horses

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:27, Reply)
haha
I actually like this
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:28, Reply)
You could have gone as a casual racism

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:31, Reply)
you could have gone away

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:43, Reply)
don't you start

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:45, Reply)
You could have gonads

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:48, Reply)
You could have gone with Noakes

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:52, Reply)
you could have gonorrhea.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:52, Reply)
You could have gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:56, Reply)
The thing I don't get about Hallowe'en costumes these days
is that so many of them have nothing to do with Hallowe'en. Nothing says "Hallowe'en party" like a Batman or Sailor Moon costume.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:23, Reply)
Christmas has nothing to do with Christ
It's called Capitalism.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:27, Reply)
I always dress up as the baby jesus on christmas day

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:32, Reply)

jelly.b3ta.com/talk/8123366
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:34, Reply)
Who ate all the piety, more like.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:06, Reply)
it's not 'these days'
The Karate Kid was 1984, Daniel-san goes as a fucking shower, the prick
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:53, Reply)
Shower of bastards, more like.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:04, Reply)
It's just fancy dress.
Unless you specify a theme on the invite, you should expect all sorts.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:14, Reply)
go as a slutty cat

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:27, Reply)
^

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:28, Reply)
Saw someone rocking an Elvira costume last year.
Ample fun
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:30, Reply)
Stick a rolling pin up your arse and cover yourself in boiling caramel.
Low budget toffee apple costume. Done.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:29, Reply)
hullo frisbee

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:30, Reply)
Hello handsome
How ya doon?
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:31, Reply)
as good as always
You?
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:35, Reply)
Eh, work is shite. Trying to get out of it.
Other than that I'm ok. Got two cats a few weeks ago though, the floof is a nice addition :)
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:50, Reply)
Can't do that two years running now can I?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 13:22, Reply)

halloween party on Saturday luverly bunch of coconuts.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:22, Reply)
go as harold bishop

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:28, Reply)
Yom pom pom really Madge
*parp*
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:30, Reply)
"Harold, you're one kookaburra short of the nest. Now get over here, tear my tights off, and penetrate me anally."

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:33, Reply)
still can't quite believe they broadcast that at 5.30pm

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:35, Reply)
Yeah but you never actually saw it going in

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:37, Reply)
exactly

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:38, Reply)
haha

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 12:39, Reply)
I will be dressing as the mother from `the meaning of life` in the scene about contraception
Hair in curlers, fake boobs, dress from the 50's

and a bloody baby hanging from the umbilical cord dangling between my legs.

If the baby gets to be a pain I will cable tie it to the dress.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 14:13, Reply)
morning

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:00, Reply)
Have you got spanf on ignore?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:00, Reply)
haven't you?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:04, Reply)
hey, don't be like that

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:06, Reply)
dribble

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:15, Reply)
Alright $$

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:25, Reply)
oh

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:15, Reply)
I don't ignore anyone.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:27, Reply)
nor do I but I was prepared to make an exception in his case

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:33, Reply)
Same, don't want any interaction with it

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:35, Reply)
I do enjoy putting him on ignore and taking him off ignore just to piss him off

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:36, Reply)
I have him on ignore purely because it winds him up
childish, really
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:38, Reply)
NO YOUR UPSET

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:40, Reply)
Actually, I'm a bit upset about something unrelated

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:45, Reply)
me too

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:46, Reply)
yeah, I'm getting that neck thing

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:50, Reply)
oh, not again!

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:53, Reply)
Thoughts and/or prayers

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:51, Reply)
I've just read a thing about a man having sex with the ghost of his own mother.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:54, Reply)
I've heard of people dealing with grief in different ways, but...

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:56, Reply)
I'd imagine sex with a ghost wouldn't be very tactile, you'd have to do all the work yourself
Wait, is this another euphemism for wanking?
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:58, Reply)
Here
i.redd.it/mxe0qc4uvgsz.jpg
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:00, Reply)
He needs to talk to someone
I hope he gets the help he needs
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:03, Reply)
/r/insanepeoplefacebook

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:14, Reply)
The problem is the whole echo chamber phenomenon.
The more people ignore spanf and dozer, the more they'll end up in empty threads acting like MySpace trolls to each other and convincing each other that it's normal behaviour. Cf. /r/the_donald.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:45, Reply)
yeah, it'd be a shame if that happened wouldn't it

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:53, Reply)
It'd be a shame for them.
Dozer's a lost cause but I remember when spanishfly was still normal.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:57, Reply)
Must have been before I joined

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:04, Reply)
must have been before the internet

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:06, Reply)
It's been a fair old while, alright.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:06, Reply)
2.0 is for shirtlifters

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:21, Reply)
*guffs*

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:05, Reply)
you stink

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:15, Reply)
pooo-eeee

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:49, Reply)
Happy World Menopause Day!

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:07, Reply)
I'm going to celebrate it by spending all day crying in the loos at work

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:09, Reply)
*proffers chocolate*

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:21, Reply)
me no pause.
ever!
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:13, Reply)
Helleau.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:10, Reply)
watery greetings to you too

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:15, Reply)
tangles *nods*

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:13, Reply)
woodles

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:14, Reply)
hi tangle wangle quee

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:15, Reply)
twoodle doodle came to town with lots of straight spaghetti
twisted it around and round and round
now this is what you get-ty:
a-noodle-doodle-doodle-doodle motor cars
a-noodle-doodle-doodle-doodle houses
a-noodle-doodle-doodle-doodle butterflies
Eeek! noodle doodle mouses

There.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:23, Reply)
not sure about that

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:25, Reply)
you have to take me as you find me

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:26, Reply)
GS

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:26, Reply)
I find you distasteful

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:34, Reply)
even served with noodle doodles?

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:51, Reply)
Needs more rubber dolly.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:25, Reply)
*fewer

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:28, Reply)
I can't figure out a tune for this.
Is it sung to the beat of a different popular tune or not?
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:28, Reply)
Yankee Doodle

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:31, Reply)
alright, he was only asking

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:32, Reply)
Bit uncalled for really.

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:32, Reply)
you and I travel to the beat of a different drum

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:36, Reply)
Try
this.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:37, Reply)
Brexit now

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:41, Reply)
Vasta vastaa vasta vastaavasta vastavastaavasta

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:43, Reply)
Alright baeb xx

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:18, Reply)
fuck off dozers

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:25, Reply)
Hello

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:20, Reply)
hi

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:25, Reply)

s3-media3.fl.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/qRwuS-PmoQcXR0R8y9lifw/ls.jpg
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:27, Reply)
that's my name don't wear it out!!
haha that's a good one that one
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:34, Reply)
beautiful

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:35, Reply)
morning

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:48, Reply)
yo bro

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:55, Reply)
hullo

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:56, Reply)
oh....hi

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 9:57, Reply)
oh hey I didn't see you there have you been here long

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:18, Reply)
not that long

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:25, Reply)
hey there, tangy blue
posting on the board so fancy-free
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:13, Reply)
you've got a lot of nerve

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:16, Reply)
i have an entire system, mush

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:37, Reply)
Morning

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:53, Reply)
look what the cat has dragged in
I mean, hi alan
(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 10:55, Reply)
Alan!

(, Wed 18 Oct 2017, 11:11, Reply)

Post a new message | View older messages | Popular | Search