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This is a question Shit Stories: Part Number Two

As a regular service to our readers, we've been re-opening old questions.

Once again, we want to hear your stories of shit, poo and number twos. Go on - be filthier than last time.

(, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:57)
Pages: Latest, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, ... 1

This question is now closed.

ooooh nearly forgot
A few years back when the kids were young (about 3 and 18 months old) they were having a nice bubble bath together.

Sam, the 3 year old starts holding his arms up asking to get out. Mrs insignificantsnivellinglittleturd and I insist that he stays in the bath with his sister.

Cue much arm waving and tears.

Only when we drain the bath and the bubbles subside do we find the cause of the panic.

Lucy had produced legion of malteser sized nuggets that had sunk to the bottom of the bath.

It transpires that Sam had picked one up and eaten it.
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 16:50, Reply)
One last one.
My younger brother when he was young. He went through a phase where if he was in an argument and lost. Hed simply drop his keggs, turn around and pull a dirty moony.

He would bend over and pull his arse cheeks apart revealing his dirty non wiped orifice for the world to see. It was so shit stained it offended everybody.

He would do this anywhere too. Outside in the street, at home, supermarket etc. Tho my parents gave him a clout for it when he tried doing it to them!
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 16:37, Reply)
pooey foot
My younger brother is a weirdo, none more so than when he was a kid. There was I, back from school, playing on the spectrum or something when he dances into my room wearing nothing beneath the waist.
After prancing about like a demented extra from Riverdance for a minute or so, he reaches his "grand finale" by leaping into the air and performing a leprechaun kick whilst simultaneously releasing a tommy squeaker. Cue a small turdlet of shet dropping out of his balloon knot and onto the heel of his foot. It sat there like a dirty malteser as he frantically hopped off to the toilet for a clean up whilst I pissed myself laughing.
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 16:15, Reply)
After Errorist...
OK, then: how did you discover b3ta? For me, it was that the creationism challenge was linked through Anyone else?
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 15:59, 49 replies)
play 1 - scene 3
piktur the seen, it is a luvly warm summer eevning and the burds are singing in the sky.
the hero of this storey walks in, richhard says, 'does i not need more than men need?, am i not hooman? if i gets cutt do i not bleed like meer mortalz?
then the sexy bow off this storey takes her dress off. 'let me poop in yer hare richhard, pleese i am beggin yoo!'
'no' sayz richhard. ' i will poop on your boobeez' everyone knows how the hero of this storee likes pooping on peeple.
richhard unrobes hisself and curlz a richhard the thurd out on her boobeez and then beginz to lik it of. 'mmm' sayz richhard, i luv the faecal depozitz on your boobeez.'
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 15:48, 3 replies)
Sexy shit
Can anyone here honestly say that they have, in fact, tried scat play at some point during their lifetime?

I've pissed on and been pissed upon, which wasn't bad, but for some reason the idea of someone squatting over me, starfish puckered, crimping off a piece of chocolate cable, would make my hard-on subside faster than margret thatcher having a wank.
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 15:25, 23 replies)
one time when i was young a pushed a poo back up my bum as it looked angry and started spitting at me, i showed that poop who the boss was, unfortunately the constitution of said poop was insufficient to enable it to stay intact whilst on its reverse journey into the darkness of my anal cavities and i ended up mushing it up with my fingers. this other time i froze a log with a lollipop stick in the end of it and your mother ate it when she was round servicing my older brother. That started your mothers love affair with everything faecal , boy do her eyes light up when you tell her you need a poop
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 15:10, Reply)
I'm going
To drop the A-Bomb now, on company time.
Hopefully there'll be a new QOTW when I get back.
A non-shit one.
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 15:03, 9 replies)
Just remembered this one.
Once when camping in Poland, I was at this campsite who'se only toilet was a wooden plank with a hole that you sat on. Underneath the hole was a ditch. The idea was that when you had finished, you burried your 'output'. If the part of the ditch underneath the plank-hole became too full, you'd just move the plank so the hole was over another part of the ditch.

As you'd immagine, this toilet only used trees with loose branches stuffed between them for modesty, and had no water of any kind, so if you wanted to wash your hands, you'd have to find some water elsewhere.

Anyway, on one such occasion when I was looking for somewhere to wash my hands, one of the guys from the camp introduces me to someone who'se just arrived. It was at this point where a handshake is in order, but did not have the heart to tell anyone that all that had separated my hand and my chocolate starfish just moments ago was a flimsy sheet of toilet-paper. Should I mention this and wash my hands and postpone the handshake? Alas, I didn't have the heart to briefly give anyone the impression that I didn't want to shake their hand, so just shook the other person's hand. In my defense, he'd never know where it had just been, and the structural integrity of the toplet-paper had not been compromised, so I just forgot about it and nothing was said.
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 14:48, 3 replies)
Does anyone remember those school playground poo ditties?

Comes out your bum, like Pedigree Chum!

Comes out you bum like a bullet from a gun!

Comes out your ass, and it feels like you shat glass!

OK, I'll stop now. But, ever since I started reading this QOTW I have had these fucking rhymes going around my head.
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 14:41, 11 replies)
One of the lads I went to school with...
Was on a trip to France. He had the ability to make himself fart at will. It was at this time, demonstrating it to a group classmates just before bed, that he farted and dropped a small ball of crap down the leg of his boxers as a teacher opened the bedroom door. He swiftly kicked the offending nugget under a bed, and was henceforth known as "winnit" for the rest of his school time, 6th form time, and indeed many years after everyone had left school.
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 14:09, 1 reply)
Dr. Who birthday cake
My Mum got me a Dr. Who birthday cake for my birthday yesterday it was in the shape of the TARDIS with the man himself looking out of it.

I'd eaten about three pieces of it in one day leaving the blue marzipan to eat last. The next day I go to drop off some kids at the swimming pool (have a poo). It was green, no messing green like play dough colour. Serves me right for eating the TARDIS then.
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 14:00, 3 replies)
Hilton Poo incident - and extra embarassment
I have a mate, whom works in interweb porn sites. This means a works do, often has lots of pretty but filthy ladies. Amateurs, exhibitionists and Ho's in equal measure.

One such event was some drinks and a night on the town with 6 lovelies and some male colleagues from similar lines of business.

They went along to the Hilton on Edgeware Road and had a few drinks. Well. Thats where it started to go shit shaped. He felt the need for a small parp, whilst they were all icebreaking over a few drinks on the sofa's. This was not a parp only, he had called his mates and they slipped a load of their wet mates out of choco starfish exit and inside his trousers. He was alarmed and really embarassed - it was a tasty suit, and with business colleagues and chicks.

He wanders off to the gents, where he discovers his boxers were ruined, the suit was in a bad way and the bottom of his shirt had taken a bit of a drubbing.
Most men would have made excuses and waddled home. Oh no, not him. The little boy scout in him spent 45 minutes sorting the suit, and cutting off the bottom of his shirt with nail scissors (he's a bit more metrosexual than most) - ditched the boxers as they were unsalvageable.

He then boldy wanders back, and apologises for the delay "An important phone call came in and had to be dealt with".
The final show of bravado was to then get the next round in. As he turned from where he stood back towards the giggly eye candy and asked "what drink would you all like - Champagne?" He wondered why they all look disgusted with him and were staring at his trousers.

He looked down, and was expecting to see a big stain he had missed and paranoia set in. No shit, but he had left his cock out and it was about 3 inches from the faces of the girls sat on the sofa.

It was only then that he realised the time was iminent to go home. The night had truly ended for him. He bought his round, and walked off to get a cab home.
At least no-one there knew he had shit himself - including his boss.
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 13:50, 3 replies)
Time for one more?
A friend of mine likes to wipe with a wet wipe when he's finished on the crapper.

Unfortunately, he reached round one time and accidentally grabbed hold of the 'Flash' anti-bacterial wipes instead..

His hoop let him know about it for a few hours afterwards, poor sod!
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 13:47, 8 replies)
Christmas 2006
Spent with g/f and her family at the country pile in deepest darkest English west country.

G/f hadn't been feeling well before we'd gone down there and I ended up being nurse to her including, on our second night there being awoken by the glorious plea "Edmund, bucket!".

We manage through a dose of anti-poos to get her home after Christmas by which time I'm feeling a bit iffy.

Next day (Wednesday) instead of going to work I lie in bed listening to the radio. Wednesday evening go downstairs and have a cheese toastie.

BAD move. Liquid faeces, and vomiting into the sink. Back to bed.

Thursday morning arrives and surprisingly I'm feeling reasonably chipper. Get up to have a shave and a shower, sit on the toilet - nothing comes out. Get up from toilet and suddenly fall on the floor with ma-hooo-sive pain in my abdomen and I realise that I can't move.

Ambulance arrives and I'm carried downstairs and out to ambulance and thence to hospital. Am given anti-emetic and morphine (pink elephants = ace), followed by a wholly unpleasant PR (proctorectal examination).

In hospital for three days until I can give them a stool sample again (difficult when not eating).

Home on new years eve, back in hospital for a laxative on new years day. Passage (ahem) cleared over the next few days with enough sewer otters to make a beaver consider them for dam building.
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 13:36, Reply)
Puerile Poo Poetry
Fancy a curry?
Runny poo from vindaloo
Bog roll in the fridge

(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 13:34, 5 replies)

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