You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » I Hurt My Rude Bits, Again » Post 1893365 | Search
This is a question I Hurt My Rude Bits, Again

My commute to work was made excellent the other day when I saw a motorcyclist try to ride on the pavement to avoid a traffic queue, lose control, fall off and land bollock-first on a concrete bollard. He was fine, eventually but tell us your tales of the old blinding agony to the gentleman's or gentlewoman's area.

(, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 12:50)
Pages: Popular, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

« Go Back

I think I've told the story of my former housemate before but it's worth a re-heat
On paper, he was a genius with the highest academic qualifications from the world's best universities. In real life he was, not to put too fine a point on it, not the sharpest tool in the shed. For one, he was a subscriber to the popular internet bullshit theory that circumcised men are less likely to catch STDs and having had the operation for religious reasons, considered himself all but invulnerable in that area.

So imagine his surprise when (due to a girlfriend who thought it perfectly acceptable to go back to France and have sex with her ex in the middle of their relationship) he found himself saddled with not just Chlamydia but HPV - the very infection that all the websites claim is unheard of in the Jewish community thanks to the magical shield-like powers of having a bit of your cock cut off. Anyway, he had to trundle off to the Marlborough Clinic and have hundreds of warts frozen off his cock and balls with liquid nitrogen, which left him somewhat impotent and depressed for a couple of months, during which he only got back with the girl he'd got them from once or twice at the most.

Eventually he came out of his deep funk and resolved to be positive about things and also not to see her again. About a week later, he went out to a party and didn't return until the following morning. We went for lunch with friends in a pub around the corner and he regaled us with the story of how he'd met a Peruvian girl and gone back to hers to make the beast with two backs. He boasted that he'd put it in her arse and that he didn't even have to use a condom. Around the table, faces hit palms. When I suggested that this might be an awesome way to catch HIV, he said he wouldn't catch it as he was circumcised. Again, another round of facepalms. He said she wouldn't have caught anything anyway, as she was a nice girl from a wealthy family.
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 10:51, closed)
Shut up you tedious prick.

(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 10:57, closed)
needs moar legos.

(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 10:57, closed)
What a bellend!
See what I did there?
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 11:03, closed)
Apparently it wasn't much to shout about following a couple of hundred liquid nitrogen injections

(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 11:22, closed)
Even more apparently:
b3ta.com/questions/ihurtmyrudebits2/post1893369
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 11:55, closed)
Is it me,
or is it quite hard to feel sorry for him?
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 13:50, closed)
It's not just you, my sympathy drained away quite rapidly

(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 14:21, closed)
Hello Monty
I can't be arsed to log out, but I take it you're still cripplingly stupid and angry online. Maybe you should just give it up?
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 12:01, closed)
Ooh, I've snared Shambo too
I've almost got the whole stupid and angry set
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 12:31, closed)
You've snared me by hammering away at F5 and then logging in and out while claiming that you can't be arsed to log in and out?
Top work, Captain Insatiable.
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 12:38, closed)
This guy's good.
Almost too good.
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 13:13, closed)
And still they keep posting
Presumably they're far too thick to realise that if you hover your mouse over the "latest was XX minutes ago" link on the main qotw page, the title text tells you who was the last person to post in your thread. Bless their angry, stupid little hearts :)
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 14:25, closed)
Let me get this straight - sorry if I'm being dim here.
You're replying to accusations of logging in and out to see people's posts, by saying that you know who's been replying simply by checking 'last replied by' and that you've not been logging in and out at all.

In which case either you have in addition to 'last replied by' a 'last replied by AND THIS IS WHAT THEY SAD' - OR......you keep logging in and out as accused, but are also a pathetic liar to boot?

No doubt you'd have a reply to this if you could see it by logging out but there's no way you'd do that cos then you'd be like well sad and shit yeah?
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 14:33, closed)
See, there's Monty again
I can always rely on him to be angriest and stupidest of all
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 14:37, closed)
And Shambo playing catch-up
Desperately trying to prove that he's just as thick as Monty

[edit] Ooh, and one of Shambo's sock-puppet accounts as well. I suppose logging out and in again is too much bother for him.
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 15:42, closed)
Oh dear. That was a bit clumsy.
There was another post immediately after mine so you couldn't possibly have done the hover trick that time.

You're really not very good at this, are you?
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 15:48, closed)
I still think he's quite sweet.
Do you think he'd take a picture of me if I clamped my balls in a mid-transform Optimus Prime?
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 15:48, closed)
I'm gonna say he's 'desperately shit' at it.
But that's just me.
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 16:04, closed)
Well, in keeping with the question, I think I've upset a couple of twats
Keep posting though, Monts, you can pretend that I'm reading them
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 16:50, closed)
Oh man nice 1 m8!!!!!!!!
I don't why I ever bother goading you when you always fuck my shit up with killer comebacks like this one!!! And what's more you NEVER get annoyed AND you maintain your poise and dignity throughout each time, and without exception.

OK you win!!!!!!!!
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 17:16, closed)
I'm just replying so Monty has to log out again to read it

(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 17:38, closed)
http://b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1882799

(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 17:41, closed)
Soz Shambo I can't read that one

(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 17:54, closed)
You prolly should.
You'll look fractionally less daft. Fractionally.
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 18:03, closed)
I don't think so
Nothing of any worth has ever been said in /offtopic
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 19:10, closed)
You don't actually need to be so massively defensive all the time.
I don't think anybody really hates you. It's just gentle derision.
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 19:27, closed)
It's not so much that I'm defensive
It's more that Monty's such an easy target it's not even funny, I mean, what am I supposed to glean from entering into a dialogue with a vaguely racist fuckwit whose highest achievement in life is getting a crack whore to spread her legs for him? The dude's already at the bottom of the barrel, what does he need me to tell him he's worthless for?

As for Shambo, well, he just bores the shit out of me. I don't think you could pay me to read his posts.
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 21:18, closed)
Who is paying you to log in and out and then pretend that you're not logging in and out?
Or are you doing that for free?
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 21:28, closed)
Oh Shambo
Get over yourself, love. You were funny for like, a week, but now you're just tedious.

Why am I explaining this to your sockpuppet? Away with you.
(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 8:14, closed)
That's clever.
How did you reply to this sockpuppet when it's got you on ignore and you're supposedly not logging in and out?
(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 8:30, closed)
ah HA!
It's like the balloon-hatted robo-grot magnate is something of a massive fucking liar - I'm starting to wonder if he even knows the cast of the never-entertaining crackrape showcase 'Red Dwarf' at all, now!!! I don't know *what* to believe any more :o(
(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 14:09, closed)
Gosh you really aren't upset with me AT ALL are you?
You certainly would never be so upset as to create a 'Monty's Ex' sockpuppet. No sir, not you - you can't even be arsed to log in and out to read my posts - you just happen to correctly guess their content. Repeatedly. And those of the good Doctor here. Quite an ability. You should cash in on that in the same way you RAKE IT IN on the back of emotionally damaged grubby hags with badly-dyed hair and the spotty-faced wank-dreams of Games Workshop weirdos. You'd be a DOUBLE millionaire.
(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 8:30, closed)
He's clearly not bothered.
He's posted more words in this thread than he has on any actual qftw answer for the last six months but it's only because he's not bothered. Not. Bothered.
(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 8:33, closed)
I can see he's not bothered in the least. Not a shred of bother on display here.

(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 9:33, closed)
Alright shambolina?

(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 22:49, closed)
Crikey, the angry spastics have posted a lot today.
Presumably Shambo's got his knickers in a twist since I replied to ballache this morning only to find that thread had disappeared. It's not like it was a great conversation anyway but now it means that I can't add ballache to my ignore list like I did with soretwat and there's always the risk that he might unignore me.

Tell you what, why don't you both just give it up? It's probably for the best?
(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 14:52, closed)
hurr durr durr gee I wonder who has posted the most in this thread hurr durr durrrmmm?

(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 15:22, closed)

b3ta.com/questions/ihurtmyrudebits2/post1893369
(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 15:26, closed)
Hee hee hee
and still they keep posting...I love the way they get all frothy when they're excited, just like real twats
(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 15:28, closed)
Exemplary Triple T-ing. A breathtaking display.

(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 21:04, closed)
"Pleeeeeeease take us off ignore, emvee!"
"Our lives are empty and worthless without your validation!"
(, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 7:00, closed)
No. Self. Awareness.

(, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 8:32, closed)
"Waaaaaaaaah!"

(, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 12:53, closed)
Keep going with this Emvee!
You're really showing them!!!11!
(, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 14:36, closed)
Not really
I'm just wasting their time for my own amusement...besides, it's not like they're likely to be doing anything better
(, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 15:37, closed)
alright

(, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 16:54, closed)
TTT

(, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 17:26, closed)
Yep, and I didn't even have to read a single one of their posts to do it

(, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 7:35, closed)
Cheers.

(, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 17:37, closed)
lol

(, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 17:54, closed)
Thanks for that 'KC & the Sunshine Band'
Although in your case 'MV on the Sunshine Bus' is more appropriate.

Love the way you can't be arsed to log out and how I'm like really angry and stuff and yet you've clearly logged out and even more clearly are JOLLY CROSS.

Nice work balloon-boy.
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 13:06, closed)
I was expecting a better QOTW answer from him to be honest
I've been waiting to hear a story of him having to help some skanky bird along to A&E to have a couple of massive dice / stormtrooper helmet / AT-AT removed from her vadge.

Maybe he's keeping that one for later in the week. Oh boy.
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 14:42, closed)
The guy's a shit-hot internetter so WATCH THIS SPACE!!!!

(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 16:16, closed)
I like your impotence story.

(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 0:06, closed)
Not actually bullshit.
www.unaids.org/en/resources/presscentre/pressreleaseandstatementarchive/2011/july/20110720psmcresults/

To quote:
The Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS (UNAIDS) strongly welcomes new results confirming that scaling-up adult male circumcision works to prevent HIV in men. The study, which was carried out in the township of Orange Farm in South Africa, resulted in a 55% reduction in HIV prevalence and a 76% reduction in HIV incidence in circumcised men.

Complete protection - of course not.
(, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 23:31, closed)
To be fair to them, if someone cut a bit off my cock I'd probably have less sex than before
I'd probably be careful about it too, in case they came back and cut off any more

[edit] Though if I were to properly pick holes in that, let's start with the fact that all the circumcised men were volunteers, meaning that the study began by monitoring a self-selecting group of men who elected to undergo a surgical procedure in order to protect their sexual health. Frankly I'd be astonished if they didn't have lower HIV transmission rates than others.
(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 8:20, closed)
Is it possible to have less sex than none?

(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 8:24, closed)
There are possibly flaws, yes.
Another obvious reason would be perhaps it's a subtle reminder to think about safe sex if you have a big scar on your knob.
But the reducions found are not small, and if they are not due to self selection bias, useful.
(A way to easily do an accurate study on this to eliminate self selection would be to get 100 voulunteers, and do half of them, but I have not read the original papers.)
(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:52, closed)
In a South African township it might be useful with regard to reducing HIV transmission
To take adult make volunteers, leave them with a big scar around their wang and tell them to be careful about HIV - it probably even reduces transmission rates. To put your trust in that kind of survey as my former housemate did and believe that a circumcision means you can't be infected by HIV or HPV when having sex without protection with immigrants fresh off the boat - well, that way madness lies.
(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 14:33, closed)
^ 'vaguely racist fuckwit'

(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 20:56, closed)

« Go Back

Pages: Popular, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1