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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 88: "THE TRUTH ABOUT THE TUNBRIDGE MONKEY MAN"

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This Week:
* ANIM - Elephants. Yeah
* INTERVIEW - Tunbridge Monkey Man Tells All
* QUIZ - He-Nail Or She-Nail

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web ... together"

B3ta email 88 - 16 May 2003

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue88/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: I WANT A ELEPHANT
  Yes I do

  Rob Manuel writes -

  "I fucking love elephants. They've got big
  stompy feet and long twiddly noses.

  "I can contain myself no more. I have decided
  to share my feelings with the world through
  the medium of song and badly drawn animation."
  
  It's like the White Stripes, with tusks.
http://www2.b3ta.com/elephant/


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: WHO IS THE MONKEY SUPERHERO?
  We know. He he he

  For the last few weeks the world's media has
  been perplexed by the escapades of a mysterious
  'superhero' in the sleepy town of
  Tunbridge Wells.
  
  There was even a reward offered for his secret
  identity. The truth? It was a hoax by b3ta
  member ccc.

  He tells his story for the first time here.
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/monkeyman/


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: GIVE US YOUR MONEY
  please please please

  As you hopefully know, b3ta is run out of our
  passion for the Internet and not some tragic
  get rich quick scheme.

  We have heavy costs and rely on your donations
  to pay for our server.

  Recently we've touched our bandwidth limit and
  have been forced to rent a second server to
  keep going.

  If you've enjoyed b3ta over the last (nearly)
  two years then please dig deep and throw in
  a bit of cash so we can afford to pay for it.
http://b3ta.com/features/appeal/


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: HE-NAIL OR SHE-NAIL
  Can you tell? 

  Andrew writes - 

  "I'm a chap who find nails the most exciting
  thing on a woman - as opposed to breasts / legs
  / name your thing here - I'm just made that way.
 
  "I have unashamedly borrowed your Female or
  Shemale idea to produce He-nail or She-nail,
  a quiz for our readers. You might like to
  give it a go."

  Although, actually, you might not want to if
  you find fingernails a bit icky. To be
  honest, it made us hungry for pasta.
http://www.nailpassion.com/quiz/quiz.htm


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Shipman, Pastaroids, Meerkat bigots, Cannon

  >> Harold Shipman Nursery Rhyme <<
  Remember the Tiramisu song from a few weeks
  back? Suz and Lexwest are back with more.
  This time a little ditty about Harold
  Shipman. We love these people. There's an
  unhinged childlike quality about their work
  which is simply wonderful.
http://www.suz.and-then.org/flash/harold.swf


  >> Pastaroids <<
  You remember Asteroids, yeah? Did you ever
  feel it lacked something? You were right.
  It was lacking beautifully photographed
  pasta shapes. Thanks to Andrew Crowe for
  sorting that one out. TIP: Use your cursor
  to move and Z to fire.
http://www.mantasoft.co.uk/games/pasteroids2/


  >> Ban This Homophobic Meerkat Filth <<
  "I purchased yourallgay.com this week",
  writes Reverend Dan, "and I thought I should
  do something... well... gay. I'm very proud
  of it, particularly Oscar Wilde playing the
  pink oboe." It's really very good. But we're
  starting to feel it may be time for a new
  joke now.
http://www.yourallgay.com


  >> Crap Cannon <<
  "Me and a few mates tried to build a fearsome
  cannon out of household waste", writes LP,
  "It didn't work that well, but it's funny,
  because it's rubbish." Warning: it's a bit
  anticlimactic for a 7MB video but it made
  us smile. Bless.
http://www.lpbk.net/whynot/pringles/


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Inkblot Test <<
  Are you mad? Do you rub your soft bits under
  the desk and make growling noises at the
  sandwich lady? Find out with this handy quiz.
http://www.worth1000.com/toys/inkblot/default.asp


  >> My PC Is A Sexy Lady <<
  Some people go too far customising their
  computers. In this case it involves turning
  the entire thing into a rather Lara Croft
  looking woman. The end result is fantastic,
  but the question is: why oh why?
http://divxstation.com/comm/thread.asp?i=16&t=25160&r=0


  >> Wanking Stories <<
  We all know wanking is great, but the question
  is "How great?" Find out by reading these
  confessional tales of furtive self abuse.
  Sample quote: "Once, when I was 11, I closed the
  refrigerator door on myself, I pumped hard, and
  ejaculated right into the veggie bin." Ah
  the memories. We called her Georgina.
http://www.jackinworld.com/qow/qc.html
 

  >> Scary Horrible Long Nails <<
  Earlier in the newsletter we featured the
  nail quiz. We got curious. We got clicking.
  There's a whole freaky sub-culture our there.
  This is our favourite: A video day-out with
  a witch-like woman with two foot nails.
  Nasty. But still gave us the horn. And the
  blob. Got a bit messy but we had fun.
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/growabrain/LongestNailsVid.WMV


  >> Bunny Ate My Computer <<
  This geezer found an abandoned rabbit in a
  car park. Taking pity on the poor wee creature
  he allowed it into his home. These photos show
  the resulting havoc wreaked by the monstrous
  beast. Remember kids: bunnies are dinner not pets.
http://home.iprimus.com.au/cojoco/Naughty_Bunny.html


  >> Sleazy Gigolo <<
  Ladies: Stuck for bloke? Why not rent one?
  This guy rocks. Oh fuck it. We can't keep
  the pretence up. He's clearly a bit tragic
  and we're only sticking him in because he
  looks ridiculous. But somehow that's the
  secret magic of the Internet: You can laugh
  at people without them hitting you. Yay.
http://www.gigolojess.com/bio.htm
 

  >> Abandoned Car Art <<
  What would you do if you saw an abandoned
  car in the street? Would you paint it white?
  Would you stencil stuff on it? Probably not,
  but that's what arty types do. And thank
  fuck for that. For they are the dreamers
  of dreams. And painters of cars.
http://www.gyford.com/phil/photos/2003/05/11/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Real World Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted real world photoshops:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/realworld/

  We asked B3ta boarder 'PeterSeychelles' to 
  judge the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Mr Seychelles writes -

  #1 "Don't shoot I'm cuddly - I love the 
     expression of the bear and the sensation of
     movement. Oh, ok then, I'm a sucker for
     teddy bears. (mbreo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1173841

  #2 "Condensasadendrum - We've all drawn in the
     condensation on the window. Not like this we
     haven't. Ace! (Houston Knights) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1205942
 
  #3 "Spiders! - Eek, this scared the life out of
     me so it had to be placed. I think the Brown
     Vision works wonderfully." (senselessleon)
 http://www.b3ta.com/board/1188645
 
   Oh, and a cheeky mention for marsimpsk's lousy
   t-shirt effort. Perhaps a late entry for this
   year's gurning championships?
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1206457


  >> This Weeks Challenge <<

  This week, B3ta contributor Chthonic gave us
  the suggestion, "X-Ray Vision"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/xray/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BIRMINGHAM SONG ON RADIO 1 - yay! Rob Manuel's
    B-B-B-B-B-Birmingham song was played on
    Thursday. Cool but - Radio 1 staff - if
    you're reading and you do this again can you
    please tell us first so we can listen? We
    we could even give you a high quality version
    to play.
http://www2.b3ta.com/birmingham/


  * WIFEODYSSEY BLOKE IS REAL - remember last
    week we didn't know if the chap looking
    for a wife was a put on? We think he's kosher
    now. Here's a link to him promoting it on
    a newsgroup.
http://makeashorterlink.com/?M4D352C74


  * HELLO FROM MAD GRANNY'S PROGENY - Andrew
    Miller writes, "that batty old biddy you
    featured last week really and truthfully is
    my grandmother!! The recording is from about
    1986. Another special moment was when she rang
    the Coast Guard when we went on a fishing trip.
    And yes, she was indeed a fucking lunatic ...
    bless her soul. Cheers - my dad will be
    well-chuffed that she's been honoured as a
    posthumous comic!"


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ELECTRIC FUN - our mum told us not to play
    with electricity. She was clearly hiding
    all the fun for herself. Extra Points for
    welts.

  * EXTREME CAKE MAKING - can you make a
    Battenberg in the shape of a Japanese
    schoolgirl sniffing her knickers? We're
    waiting for your email.

  * HI-RISE COCKS - maybe you live in a tower
    block. Can you get your neighbours to turn
    on the lights to display a huge blocky
    penis? We think this might be art. We might
    be wrong, but we do know that it would make
    us snigger.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links from K3rry, Haddock.org, Stephen I-Migo,
  Mark Keeling, Ciaran, Monkeon, Kim in Atlanta, 
  and Laura Lefthand.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Top Tippery by Darren Murphy
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the speccy b4ta twats. (66236)

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  TOP TIP: To cure persistent hiccups drink a
  teaspoonful of vinegar. Everybody's got their
  favourite cure for hiccups, but this one
  really works. You can add a bit of sugar to
  make it taste nicer.

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