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NEWSLETTER: "READ IT BEFORE THE TORIES BAN INTERNET WORDS"

 
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"READ IT BEFORE THE TORIES BAN INTERNET WORDS"
This Week:
* JESUS IS A TORY -And we interviewed him
* HOW CRIMINAL IS YOUR NAME? - Very, we imagine
* IN PRIVATE EYE - For telling Murdoch to F. Off

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're typing
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   all of the web out
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     so we don't lose it"

B3ta email 673 - 19 May 2017

Read this issue via a internet bollock:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue673

Friend b3ta on Facebook - go on you bastards:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

-------------------------------------------------

: HELLO AGAIN x3

  Week three in the unlikely B3ta newsletter
  relaunch and we've sold an ad (yes, really), and
  been horribly overambitious again - interviewing
  Jesus so we're late. Shit on a bollock. We want
  to be early. Anyway - on with the content
  people. It's CONTENT TIME , but first a word
  from our sponsor:


-------------------------------------------------

: KNIGHTMARE LIVE - 21st & 28th May
	Sponsored link - yes really, a good one too
	
  It is like the 1980s again: A tory landslide on
  the horizon and kids with buckets on their heads
  is entertainment. Get a shit hair cut and relive
  your childhood this week with a re-imagining of
  KNIGHTMARE TV show for the stage.
https://myticket.co.uk/artists/knightmare-live


  Really - who would believe it? Back three weeks
  and we've sold an ad. Actually one that's
  relevant to B3ta readers. KNIGHTMARE LIVE FFS!
  How good is that? Some some fucking tickets ok?
  

-------------------------------------------------

: OFFICAL B3TA INTERVIEW WITH JESUS
  OK, 'Tory' Jesus

  Yep. Always bringing your exclusives we're got
  an interview with Jesus. Yes, Jesus has risen
  again and he's come back as a Tory, the fucking
  Tory arsehole.
  
  Make sure you read this - Tory Jesus is fucking
  brilliant.
http://b3ta.com/blog/tory-jesus-twitter-account/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING RECENTLY
  Amazing stuff - truly wonderful things

  * THE NAKED GUN RANDOM INTRO SEQUENCE GENERATOR
  - Monkeon has made a brilliant thing that plays
  random gifs in the style of the Naked Gun intro.
  Turn up the sound.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/nakedgun/


  * COMPUTER FUN - a great little visual gag from
  drivelsieve. Utterly charming.
http://b3ta.com/links/Computer_fun


  * HOW CRIMINAL IS YOUR NAME - actually a worky
  project from Matt Round but we're bunging it in
  coz it's very UsVsTh3m - the particular viral
  mechanism of encouraging people to look up their
  own name. We recommend looking up Donald.
https://www.gotocourt.com.au/how-criminal-is-your-name/


  * SAYING GOOD BYE TO DAD - Ornsack's dad sadly
  passed away last year and he was best known for
  making the well-loved kids' TV show Trapdoor.
  Ornsack writes, "My dad passed away last March
  whilst making an animated series in his spare
  time. I've been desperately trying to finish it
  for him alongside a few of his mates. We are
  nearly done! Aiming for a March release on
  trusty-ol' YouTube. In the mean time local BBC
  News interviewed me about it over Christmas.
  YEAH I SHOULD HAVE POSTED THIS EARLIER. Never
  mind."
http://b3ta.com/links/Finishing_My_Dads_Work


  * SHED OF THE YEAR 2007 - the project unclewilco
  launched on B3ta back in 2007 is going great
  guns and now is a TV show and subject og a huge
  Guardian feature. Amazing work old chap.
https://goo.gl/4qapS7


  * HELP BUILD A FURTIVE BEAR - b3tas are working
  together to build a Furtive Bear using a
  collaborative pixel app. Currently there's huge
  cock on it. Yay.
http://pixelcanvas.io/@389,1748 


-------------------------------------------------

: GETTING INTO PRIVATE EYE BY TELLING RUPERT
  MURDOCH TO "FUCK OFF"

  Very pleased to get this press clipping from
  Private Eye about this very newsletter's editor,
  who was simply amusing himself one day on
  Twitter and managed to get the message "Fuck off
  Murdock" into The Sun online newspaper.
https://goo.gl/MlqG7w


-------------------------------------------------

: SIX PEOPLE WHO DID DIE IN THE MIDDLE-AGES

  @DeathMedieval is a superb Twitter bot that
  posts "real deaths from medieval coroners' rolls"
  
  Here's a handful of our absolute favs:  

  * A dead man, found in 1362 by John Atfield, who
  had not been wounded, but "somewhat lacerated by
  dogs."

  * Bertram Polet, found dead in 1271, assumed to
  have been slain by "evil-doers."

  * Henry Costentin, died 1267 after his feet
  slipped and fell upon a pole of his wheat cart,
  which did penetrate into his fundament
  (buttocks)

  * Henry, son of Nicholas le Clerk, died at age
  14 in 1432, dragged to death by a horse which
  had been startled by a bird

  * Johanna, daughter of Bernard de Irlaunde, died
  in 1322, being mortally bitten by a sow while
  lying in her cradle. The sow valued at 13 1/2 d

  * John Clerk, stabbed in 1366 by by Adam Case
  with knife thirteen inches long after
  "opprobrious words" were exchanged in a field.

  Seriously. Shit the bed. You need to follow the
  fuck out of this.
https://twitter.com/DeathMedieval


-------------------------------------------------

TWEET OF THE WEEK 1/5 - @sehnaoui

"People next to me are loud and rude. They just
found the perfect name for their new business. I
just bought the domain name."

-------------------------------------------------

: SWEAR CLOCK UPDATE
 
  Last week we launched Swear Clock and we've
  noticed that simple direct swears often get the
  most engagement. But the baroque ones are my
  favs. So here's just five from what people are
  calling "that clock thing that swears"

  * Shit Jesus's Bed And Wank On A Bible It's
    10:30AM
    
  * Spunk On A Cottage Pie It's 10:30AM
  
  * Fuck An Owl And Blame Alan Shearer It's 11:30AM
  
  * Touch Rob Brydon's Anus With A Porcelain Dog
    Collection It's 11:30AM
    
  * Spunk On A Blankety Blank Chequebook And Pen
    It's 11:30PM

  We're also pleased to see an article in The
  Metro.
https://goo.gl/yMxBky

  Also got a lovely mention from from Nick Doody
  on BBC Radio 4's "That Was the Tweet That Was"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b08q60r5


  Getting media attention is a surprise as
  although we obviously want our projects to be
  popular and get talked about, Swear Clock really
  is fucking rude. Not just fucks and cunts, but
  random and surreal abuse of celebrity's genitals
  with mundane objects. On half past the hour -
  every hour. Fuck yeah.
http://twitter.com/swearclock


-------------------------------------------------

TWEET OF THE WEEK 2/5 - @PetFran48

"It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a
Tory in possession of a fortune must be in need of
some more"

-------------------------------------------------

: THREE BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
  All the good stuff from /board

  * A STAR TREK NOSTALGIC CLASSIC - (Mofaha)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226508


  * KEEP 'EM CORBYN - (MrDoucheBags)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226082


  * TORY MALWARE - (Artist: HSDriver)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226131


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but even shittier
  
  * THIS "STRONG AND STABLE" DAFT PUNK REMIX IS
  FUCKING MARVELLOUS 
http://b3ta.com/links/1439250

  * THIS DOCUMENTARY ON ELECTRONIC MUSIC PIONEER
  DELIA DERBYSHIRE IS ALSO FUCKING MARVELLOUS
http://b3ta.com/links/1439405

  * NEWSREADERS IN THE PUB IS A PRETTY GOOD SKETCH
http://b3ta.com/links/1440187

  Right. That's enough video. If you want loads
  of video go to the popular bit of /links. Loads
  of fucking video there sunshine.
http://b3ta.com/links/popular/


-------------------------------------------------

TWEET OF THE WEEK 3/3 - @somecleverthing

"Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to
Dying Alone"

-------------------------------------------------

: BUY MUSHYBEES T-SHIRTS

  We ballsed up the link to Mushybees t-shirt last
  week shop - so here's the correct one.

  We recommend classics like "don't vote Tory" and
  "Piers Morgan is a bell end"
https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/mushybeestees


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE THIS WEEK
  Yes, you can star in this newsletter
  
  * COOKING WITH SPECTRUMS - There's a niche but
  potentially funny YouTube video idea in this.
  Set up your ZX in kitchen and try and cook along
https://twitter.com/PulpLibrarian/status/864904222063689728

  * KICKSTOPPER - donate to prevent tedious
  journalists posting their terrible takes

  
-------------------------------------------------

TWEET OF THE WEEK 4/5 - @dotmund

"Iggy Pop was 70 this year. I know this because of
the song 1969, in which he states that he was 21
the previous year"


-------------------------------------------------

: SLOGANS MANGLED BY MAY

  In the week where Theresa May actually said
  "what it is says on the tin is what they will
  get" we were amusing to see people making their own 
  #slogansmangledbymay

  * "In order to return the freshness, we must not
  only do the vacuuming, but also shake." -
 
  * "Iron Brew, Made in The North from Bollards" -
  
  * "My friend Marmite" - 

  * "They're tasty, and tasty *means* tasty." -
  
  * "Go to work after eating an egg" - 

  * "Enjoy a rest with your Kit Kat" -
 
   Suggestions from @petetavna, @Okeating,
   @DanielMudford, @mrwriterman79,
   @GeeItSomeLaldy, @JoeScaramanga.

-------------------------------------------------

TWEET OF THE WEEK 5/5 - @ZoeTomalin

"Getting BBC news alerts at the moment is like
being in a Whatsapp group with Satan"

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Make Corbyn Electable

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * "HE'S JEREMY, JEREMY, JEREMY RIMMER, WITHOUT
  HIM LIFE WOULD BE MUCH GRIMMER....." ETC. -
  (Barbarossa)
http://b3ta.com/board/11225810

  * KEEP 'EM CORBYN - (MrDoucheBags)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226082

  * "I'M FREE!" - (Q4nobody)
http://b3ta.com/board/11225770


  * See all the other images from the 'Make Corbyn
  Electable' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/corbynelectable


  >> This week: After TV <<
  What jobs do fictional tv characters do after
  their shows have finished? Show us with the
  power of computational image manipulation what
  line of work Yogi bear went in to, how Captain
  Picard funds his continuing space trips and how
  The Fonz pays his leather jacket and RSI thumb
  surgery bills.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/aftertv


-------------------------------------------------

  * FINALLY A GOOD USE FOR FACEAPP - This guy
  going around a museum and using FaceApp to add
  smiles to classical art is such a good idea.
  Would be lovely to try this in a UK gallery too.
https://goo.gl/LruamB


-------------------------------------------------

: REJECTED (BUT GOOD NEWSLETTER TITLES)
  Fuck it, it's good content brad

  * ENTERING YOUR INBOX LIKE A SEX-STARVED JULIAN
  ASSANGE (TRIBS)

  * FUCK ME OVER A BARREL IT'S HALF PAST
  NEWSLETTER O'CLOCK (BARBAROSSA)

  * JULIAN ASSANGE SHOULD BE ARRESTED FOR THE
  CRIME OF DRESSING A CAT IN A SHIRT AND TIE
  (SMALLBRAINFIELD)

  * WE'RE STILL BACK AND TORIES ARE STILL CUNTS
  (MANIC)

  * NO NEWSLETTER IN HISTORY HAS BEEN TREATED
  WORSE THAN THIS (ARNIIE)

  * ANOTHER B3TA NEWSLETTER. WE'RE GOING TO KEEP
  MAKING THESE UNTIL YOU SEND US ENOUGH BITCOINS
  (ENCELADUS)

  * THE OFFICIAL 2017 PROCRASTINATION MANIFESTO
  (@TWEETSBYJT)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226621

-------------------------------------------------

: EVERY SINGLE THING MARK E SMITH HATES
  According a wonderful 1987 magazine feature
  
  * Brown bread with bits in it
  * All Sunday papers
  * Mature guys with ponytails
  * Scotch pop groups featuring pseudo intellectuals
  * The Cure's one record
  * All Welsh groups 
  * All new American groups 
  * All Dutch groups 
  * Anything connected with New Model Army 
  * Chablis wine V
  * Vietnam War 
  * Iran/Iraq War 
  * Mexican food 
  * Berlin 
  * Leeds
  * American football 
  * Mike Smith
  * Nescafe
  * All fruit juice 
  * Boddie and Waddle 
  * Embassy No 1
  * Marlboro 100's 
  * Royal Air Force 
  * Eddie Murphy
  * British science fiction 
  * Stephen King 
  * All new American and British cartoons
  * British Electricity 
  * France (permanent) 
  * Martin Amis 
  * Pop stars in new silver cars
  * Rock on television 
  * Plastic grebos in Doctor Martens boots. (You'd
  never get a real biker to wear them.) 
https://twitter.com/20thcenturymarc/status/863770679132520450


-------------------------------------------------

: KNIGHTMARE LIVE - 21st & 28th May
	Sponsored link - yes really, a good one too
	
  It is like the 1980s again: A tory landslide on
  the horizon and kids with buckets on their heads
  is entertainment. Get a shit hair cut and relive
  your childhood this week with a re-imagining of
  KNIGHTMARE TV show for the stage.
https://myticket.co.uk/artists/knightmare-live

  Yes we've repeated the ad at the bottom. It's
  called trying to play nice with the people who
  waved money at us. It's a good idea.

-------------------------------------------------

: CREDIT
  Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevenson.
  
  Newsletter title by Mighty Nibus.

-------------------------------------------------
Follow b3ta on Twitter: 
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP: SAVE TIME! - The next time somebody
  asks you what the time is just walk past them.
  I've calculated that If I had done this since
  the age of 20 I would have saved myself a whole
  5 days. Also works for directions and requests
  for assistance. I'm a shit policeman I really
  am. (Woolworth)

  Add your own 'top tip' at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

 
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