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NEWSLETTER: "NO LONGER AVAILABLE ON CEEFAX"

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This Week:
* RAP - Hip-hop BBC News
* ROMNOBAMA - Cassetteboy + presidential candidates
* MARIO LOW SCORE - a new way to play

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Happy 53rd Birthday     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   to the M1 Motorway!"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 553  - 2nd Nov 2012

Read this issue with Superior Software's "Speech!"
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue553

  Superglue :   b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Acetone   : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: THE PERFECT XMAS PRESENT IDEA
  Loose tea subscription (Sponsored link)

  Imaginative gifts are tricky, but we have the
  solution: Rare Tea Company will send your loved
  one beautiful, tasty loose leaf teas three times
  over six months. This means, in the words of Roy
  Wood, Christmas every day for half a year. 10%
  off to B3tans if you quote the code
  "ILOVECRUDELYDRAWCOCKS".
http://bit.ly/SAFDXM


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Making waves that's what. In culture.

  >> Rap the BBC News <<
  "I built a thing to rap the BBC News,
  automatically," writes Shardcore. Blimey, this
  is extremely funny, but also the future of
  all news, as it simultaneously delivers the
  information and yet makes it utterly
  incomprehensible. A massive win for news as
  disorientating wallpaper - we think Shardcore
  should be the next director-general of the BBC.
http://bit.ly/RrLlZx


  >> NSFW Imgur fun <<
  Davidbrophy writes, "Ever wondered what filth
  people have uploaded to imgur? I know you can
  click the 'random' button, but that's SLOW. I
  made this to speed up my gutter-mining."
  Blimey. We've spent a good 10 mins watching
  this and it's mostly jokes, porn, cars,
  technology, sport, nerdy fiction and computer
  games. Basically, the whole world is like Zoo
  or Nuts magazine - bit depressing, really.
http://3z.bz/


  >> Cassetteboy vs Obama vs Romney <<
  "Here's a new video what we done for a new
  YouTube comedy channel," writes cassetteboy.
  "Watch it now while it's still topical."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cassetteboy_vs_Obama_vs_Romney


  >> Turkish Downton Abbey <<
  Few among you probably know that ITV's popular
  period drama is simply a shoddy remake of 1970s
  Middle-Eastern soap favourite 'Donton Abbey'.
  "Another year, another Turkish TV knockoff,"
  laments Christopher Poole.
http://youtu.be/_iOzM3PTszg?hd=1


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: PLAY THE FULL ENGLISH GAME
  (Sponsored link)
  
  Oldskool adventure web game, brought bang up to
  date by Channel 4 Comedy, featuring the voices
  of Richard Ayoade and Kayvan Novak. Play it now
  before it's removed and we all go to jail for
  making obscene jokes. It's for a new animated
  sitcom, you know. You can also win artwork
  signed by the cast. Get playing, you sods.
http://www.channel4.com/fullenglish


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Dressing Up
  
  We asked you for your dressing up stories,
  secretly hoping for pictures. We got pictures:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dressingup/

  * TOO FAR? - "Bored in telesales office on a
  Friday afternoon, I challenged my colleagues to
  think of a really good, really scary costume
  idea for the Halloween party that night. Jill
  from Accounts suggested I dress as a
  frightening clown, maybe with specks of blood
  on my face. "Oooh, scary,"said Diane in Sales,
  "I hate clowns." Pete from Marketing suggested
  I dress entirely in black and attach flat panel
  speakers to my front and a head-mounted
  microphone, meaning my every word would be
  disconcertingly amplified. Interesting, freaky,
  everyone liked the idea. Then Chris from
  Purchasing, a quiet lad, loudly filled with
  middle-aged women, quiet accountants and
  unassuming receptionists: "A baby. A baby
  covered in spunk." The room went quiet.
  Everyone pretended to be busy. A sob escaped
  from Janine in HR. So that was my costume."
  (burningdog)
  
  * WERTHERS - "A couple of years back, our RAF
  base bar, Castaways, had a "School Disco"
  night. Cue lots of burly RAF types and one or
  two actual females squeezed into schoolgirl
  uniforms. I'd had to go straight from my day
  shift in my normal clothes. So I got our admin
  bloke to nip across to the NAAFI for some
  Werthers whilst I made a quick trip to our tech
  workshop and got me a brown, dirty-mac,
  storesman coat. I then got a beer and stood
  outside the doorway. Yup, I went to the school
  disco as a nonce." (stuj)
  
  * MONOLITH - "At an End of the World-themed
  Hogmanay party, here's me dressed as the
  monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey" 
  (sarahahaha)
http://i.imgur.com/pSl4P.jpg


  >> This Week - WATER AND BOATS <<
  Are you a wizened, old sea-crone who hates land
  lubbers? A sexually ambiguous pirate who gets
  all the ladies? Or just been on a pedalo once?
  Tell us all your sea-faring boat stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/waterboatsfloats/


-------------------------------------------------

: AMAZON TAT
  Get your Savile outfit here
  
  Although only an utter cunt would think it's
  funny to pretend to be the most prolific child
  molester of all time, it's worth having a quick
  look for the reviews. As per usual.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0096PVYO6/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Child abuse and light entertainment <<
  Got 30 mins? Some wonderful background on a
  paedophile-friendly Establishment. If the
  government falls over this stuff, let's hope the
  entire state isn't replaced with a few vouchers
  run by corporations eh?
http://bit.ly/VQkBr8


  >> Halloween or Williamsburg? <<
  For the uninitiated, Williamsburg is the US
  version of London's vibrant Shoreditch scene.
  That is to say, it's over-full of vile,
  cavorting hipsters. This tumblr points out it's
  difficult to tell the difference between that
  any Halloween.
http://halloweenorwilliamsburg.com 


  >> Apple products poster <<
  Seeing them all together it reminds us of kids
  going through football cards, "got, got, got,
  got, want." Remember: Every time you have the
  urge to buy Apple products, buy shares in them
  instead. Well, that used to be true, until the
  iPhone 5 made the stock market do a big
  collective meh. Personally we think you're
  better off investing in Foxxconn, then you win
  no matter if Android of Apple win the phone
  race. And the thought of all those tiny,
  Chinese hands working for pennies is
  stimulating wank bank material.
http://bit.ly/ts59tH


  >> Latest game ever? <<
  The Fool's Errand was an 80s era Mac puzzle
  game by Cliff Johnson, once rated as "Best
  Retro Game Ever" by GamesTM magazine. The
  follow-up has been over 10 years coming - and
  why are we telling you? Well, the list of
  excuses on the Wikipedia page is both tragic
  and hilarious.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fool_and_His_Money


  >> Radio fail <<
  BBC Radio Uslter reads out Jimmy Savile joke
  live on air by mistake. Joyous. Please, b3tans,
  dedicate you lives to getting radio DJs to read
  out rude things unawares.
http://bit.ly/THOngp


  >> David Icke review <<
  James Ward (best known for running the 'Boring'
  event) attended the recent, horrendously long
  David Icke rally at Wembley and has written up
  his mildly pisstakey, but ultimately fair,
  experiences here. BTW: We once attempted to
  interview Icke for B3ta. He initially agreed
  but, after we sent him about 50 crowd-sourced
  questions about lizards, he went strangely
  silent. Oh well.
http://bit.ly/Sd4sFY

-------------------------------------------------

: HELP ORG (OPEN RIGHTS GROUP) FUND LEGAL OFFICER
  Join now
  
  We're members of ORG - but who they? They
  campaigned for change to copyright that would
  create a new right to parody, built the
  coalition against the Snoopers' Charter, broke
  the story of Mobile Internet censorship, and
  their hard work against ACTA came into fruition
  as we watched MEPs shoot down a law that would
  have led to damaging copyright policy. 

  ORG wish to finance a new member of staff to
  fight for your digital rights online. If they
  can get 300 new members this will cover enough
  wages to get a legal officer to "co-ordinate our
  crack-team of volunteer lawyers, perform
  thorough legal research, and create new case law
  to actively prevent potential threats to civil
  liberties."

  Please join now. 
http://bit.ly/Uo5nmy


  Or read about ORG before you join here:
http://www.openrightsgroup.org/

  
-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Net version of the Harry Hill clip show could be
  called 'You've Been Flamed'

  >> Lowest score to complete Mario? <<
  This chap does an astounding 600 points. Love
  the idea of competing to score badly - an
  entirely new way of getting enjoyment from
  games you've already played to death.
http://bit.ly/TJ0Dxk


  >> Worst ad ever? <<
  Low production values bring us joy - it shows
  the (inept) human in the machine - and sets up
  narratives in our head: was this produced by
  the boss's friend's mate for $150? 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jk27bj86DXc


  >> Joss Whedon endorses Mitt Romney <<
  And has Joss lost weight? Less hoarding cans
  Joss - more eating them. Nah. Joss, your new
  look suits you, you should do more front of
  camera stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TiXUF9xbTo


  >> The Specials vs. The Wu-Tang Clan <<
  Always had a soft spot for The Specials' A
  Message To You Rudy; the great brass and the
  wonderful lyric - Rudy being short for "rude
  boy" - basically saying "young men, sort
  yourself out, acting all gangster and shit will
  lead you only to a life of hell." To cut that
  with a similar rap from the Wu-Tang? Wonderful.
http://bit.ly/U3em2a


  >> Helicopter helps remote-controlled plane <<
  Helping some folks get their little plane back.
  What lovely chap.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wot_nice_guys


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Still not funny, you punishing shits

  * BMW DEALER - if this guy gets any business off
  this link we demand our 10%. Oh, it doesn't work
  like that? Piss.
http://bit.ly/PqRp6m

  * COME TOGETHER FOR JESUS - we always thought
  that 13 blokes, no women disciple thing was a
  bit suspicious. 
http://www.cum.co.za

  * SAVILE'S FAVORITE SCHOOL? 
http://www.sexeys.somerset.sch.uk/


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Typing Karaoke

  Love web projects that manage to pitch the
  entire concept in the title - where you can
  guess how the whole thing will play out in the
  time it takes to load.
http://www.typingkaraoke.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Challenge results: Unlikely Brand Crossovers 

  Last week we wanted stuff like Wilkinson Sword
  Crisps, Harpic Liqueur & Persil Flat Screen TVs.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * WKD TOILET DUCK - we have a personal product
  idea of making 'Toilet Swan' for people with
  posh bogs. (Fresh Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/10871056  
  
 
  *  INSTAGRAM WATER FILTER - did you see the
  Instagram US hurricane pics on Twitter? Most odd
  - death and destruction made slightly twee.
  Oddly distancing. (Monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/10873606  
  
  
  * OXO RUBIK'S CUBE - this would sell, a nice
  little bit of design to have lurking in your
  man pit. (chumpers's cat)
http://b3ta.com/board/10871534  
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/brands/


  >> New challenge: spiders <<
  Spiders. Whenever someone on the news says of
  a policy that "the markets won't like it",
  replace the word "market" with "spiders".
  Alternatively, photoshop some spiders here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/spiders/popular/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * 'FOR THE WIN' SKETCH SHOW PILOT - Big Face
  writes, "It may not show much luck in this game,
  but here's another whole ill-fated sketch show
  pilot I wroted and directed and do a bit in. It
  got repeated on BBC Three, so it's online for a
  while. I'm really proud of it and hate the fact
  they rejected it." Boo BBC, you really should
  give Big Face a show - we've met him and he'd be
  very good on chat shows. You are missing a star.
http://bbc.in/LURU7W


  * B3TA ANCIENT HISTORY FROM 2002/3 - Mike
  Trinder writes, "Digging around my desk I found
  a CD titled 'B3ta Slideshow 5' - this is the
  slideshow that accompanied the B3ta party in a
  tiny upstairs bar in central London in 2003.
  Much nostalgia and shoddy Photoshop work within."
http://www.chthonicionic.net/b3ta/2003/index.htm


  * KICKSTARTER IAIN BANKS MOVIE - B3tan Rob Lees
  Jones last week asked you to help fund his film
  - you've donated nearly $5k which means we're
  about a quarter of the way there. You can do it!
  Give Jones a hand and he promises to give a
  cameo to your Ginger Fuhrer, so at least you'll
  be financing an opportunity for him to make an
  utter fool of himself.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/119205258/piece


  * HUMAN BLACK PUDDING - lumpytuna writes, "My
  lovely lecturer, Beagles, from back when I was a
  grubby art student, used to make blood puddings
  with his platonic art-partner Ramsay's and his
  blood. He told me that a number of audience
  members would hang back at the end of the
  performances and ask to try a bite of their body
  sausages and it left him feeling ever so
  slightly violated that they'd want to. Blarg."
http://bit.ly/SgBNiX


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MANAGING YOUR AGEING WITHOUT ANXIETY -
  Photo-management software that automatically
  makes old pictures fatter and greyer - so we
  don't feel sad looking through old photos.

  * SPECIAL ROBOTS THAT DEAL WITH SHIT - the
  shitbot will change nappies, clean the bog and
  also remove dog muck from the streets.

  * DISCUSSIONS - "Despite the fact that the
  internet keeps getting faster, we don't seem to
  be using it less," writes B3tan williamgoddard.


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

   Marriage :    b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Divorce  :  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by *redacted* with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by JamTallons, fyafly,
  Mike Trinder, robneymcplum, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers!
  Eukanuba & m477hew. 
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. 
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Top tips via cumquat may.
  Subjlols via prince-igor. 
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Become a millionaire by thinking of a great,
  practical idea for a new product that no-one
  else has thought of yet, then organising the
  financing, manufacturing, distribution and
  marketing while successfully defending your
  patent.

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