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NEWSLETTER: "DIANA'S 15TH ANNIVERSARY CAR CRASH ISSUE. NO LOLS HERE."

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* JAVASCRIPT - for cats 
* BEST SHOVEL - ever! 
* YOUR CAR KEYS - maybe! 

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Criminalising being   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   poor since 1979"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 544  - 31 Aug 2012

Read this issue pretending to be Chas'n'Dave:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue544

   Winners :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Wieners : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK (Amazon Tat)
  Babystart FertilMate Scrotum Cooling Patch
  
  @tophlammiepie writes, "Your life is missing
  these." Sample reviews include: "Just the job
  for a sweaty bag." and "Oh, the blessed relief!
  For years I have suffered with 'hot scrotum'
  syndrome."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003H05LO0/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us. We're cheaper
  than Ed Miliband's M&S Y-fronts.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Because making stuff is what we do

  >> Plane spotting with Black Moon <<
  Internet titan Black Moon can easily identify
  any sort of plane - observe.
http://b3ta.com/links/Plane_spotting_with_Black_Moon


  >> Never lose your car keys again <<
  "I give you - the keycopter!" crows
  moviemakeshake. Inventor Michael Wallis shows
  off his brand new invention.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUFbIoGOaWI


  >> Graphical spoiler alert <<
  "I have started a blog where I'm going to be
  making illustrated reviews of movies," explains
  tokyosexwhale. "The first is up and it's for
  The Dark Knight Rises." basically, illustrated
  snark.
http://graphicspoileralert.wordpress.com/


  >> Gigapixel penguins <<
  "I'm a long-time newsletter reader, currently
  working in Antarctica until February next
  year," shivers neon_starfish. "I got the chance
  to visit the local emperor penguin colony last
  Friday and made a half Gigapixel image from
  some photos I took there. Hope you like it! :)"
  Enjoy the fluffy desolation!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/849603


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The Wank Bank

  Last week we asked you to share your wank
  fantasies on the basis that 1. You'd enjoy it
  and 2. You'd enjoy it.
http://b3ta.com/questions/wankbank/


  * THINK ABOUT IT - "I don't approve of this
  QOTW. I think it's destined to cause
  bitterness and recrimination. But, as you asked,
  I don't know why the Israelis don't just give it
  up and let them stay." (scarpe)

  * MISDIRECTION - "Getting sucked off by the
  young receptionist at my desk after work
  hours.. ..as I was playing multiplayer Quake
  against 6 of my colleagues who were in
  different parts of the building. My g/f's
  before this never swallowed so I gave this
  feisty lass a friendly warning that maybe she
  should stop before it got messy. She seemed to
  redouble her efforts and took the lot. Still
  aced the Death-match game too. Edit: I know from
  all the posts you don't believe me but back
  then I was really, really good at Quake."
  (Airman Gabber)

  * MISOGYNY - "Those times my wife actually
  sucked my cock before we were married."
  (PhillieJoe)

  >> This week  Ignorance <<
  Prove that you are surrounded by stupid people
  with your tales of spectacular ignorance. 
http://b3ta.com/questions/blazingignorance/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * PHOTOSHOP TROLL - since the mass
  casualisation of the workforce we're all
  freelance twats now - and wouldn't you love to
  treat your clients like this?
http://www.photoshoptroll.com/ 


  * CELEB DEATH RUMOURS - our first online
  celebrity death was River Phoenix; we read
  about it on Usenet posts before hearing about
  it from TV etc. Now there's a new celeb dying
  every day - except most of the time it's just
  bollocks. Keep up with this nonsense, if that's
  your bag, using 'death rumours dot com', but
  really you should get a better hobby than
  waiting for celebs to die. Much more fun to
  *make* it happen.
http://deathrumors.com


  * JAVASCRIPT FOR CATS - here's a formula that
  anyone wanting attention online should learn.
  Cute and dumb + nerdy science = win. Previous
  examples include Britney Spears's guide to Semi
  Conductor Physics and the Bear That Shits Prime
  Numbers. Why not make Katy Perry Plays Pi To
  One Million Decimal Places On Bagpipes?
http://jsforcats.com/ 

  
  * FASCINATING WIND MAP - Ben Goldacre writes,
  "One for B3ta, if the hurricane is still there
  and stuff." Hmm, amazingly pretty but we have
  no idea what any of it means. Much like the
  sexual allure of Goldacre himself.
http://hint.fm/wind/


  * CATS IN STUPID PLACES - Apparently, cats are
  funny, but we doubt anyone on the Internet will
  care.
http://getoutoftherecat.tumblr.com/  


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but b.b.b.b.b.buffering

  * BEST SHOVEL EVER - never really wanted a
  shovel before but, such is the power of
  advertising, we've never wanted one more.
  Apparently given to the Chinese army and, like
  those infomercial ads, it digs, it chops, it
  chisels - it might as well clean your minge,
  it's so versatile.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b60OZhrTB6o


  * BREAKING BAD REMIX - a Swedemasonesqe take on
  everyone's favourite high-school teacher turned
  meth dealer drama. One day all trailers will be
  like this. And all TV shows.
http://bit.ly/PAUU4X


  * EVIL GAMESHOW -  Basically, telly is a cunt's
  game. At its essence it's pure psychopathy -
  humiliating people for voyeuristic pleasure of
  the audience and the financial enrichment of
  the media owners. This show is everything
  that's wrong with our culture. It's also
  utterly compelling.
http://youtu.be/OBYVQThkEDg


  * TWO HAMSTERS ONE WHEEL - if in the future
  your kids ask you what you were doing when the
  poles melted look them in the eye and say, "I
  was watching hamster lols on the internet."
  History will forgive you.
http://b3ta.com/links/2_hamsters_1_wheel


  * BETTER NAMES FOR THINGS - The unbelievable
  tedium of retail work makes a chance at
  mischief irresistible. In this case,
  whimsically rebranding the entire inventory. 
http://b3ta.com/links/Better_names_for_things


  * MOVIES WRITTEN BY KIDS - Adults deadpan their
  way through ridiculous adventures scripted and
  voiced by young children. The lip-syncing is
  genius.
http://b3ta.com/links/Kids_snippets_Salesman


  * BIRD LEARNS TO FISH - Give a bird a fish and
  it eats today. Teach a bird to fish and you
  should be jailed for giving away our
  technological secrets to  potentially hostile
  other species.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBuPiC3ArL8


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Naked chicks in hats
  
  Denise Wilton writes, "It's time to ogle naked
  chicks in hats. It is Friday, after all."
http://bit.ly/QE471Z


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Seymour Cocks
  
  Brilliantly, a one-time Labour MP who was on the
  list of people the Nazis planned to immediately
  arrest, after they'd conquered Britain. We
  wonder if they made a list of people they'd
  promote? Like their chum Viscount Rothermere
  of "Hurrah for the Blackshirts" Daily Mail fame?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seymour_Cocks  
  

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Fictional Tourism Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to produce tourist
  brochures for fictional places.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * HOME: if the question is, "if b3ta were a
  city, what would it look like?", here's the
  answer (wuffle, the b3ta bunny).
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10836228
 
  * THRONES: artfully stylish travel poster
  attracts Jon Snow, bastard son of Lord Eddard
  (Copybeard).
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10832716
  
  * WALES: classic seaside postcard meets
  mysterious coastal village (MrCanoehead).
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10834783
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fictional-tourism/


  >> New challenge: Restore Art Badly <<
  In a week in which a Spanish granny delighted
  the interwebs by restoring a piece of classic
  art, badly, this week's challenge is to do the
  same. Suggested by Kitsunov
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/restored-art


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CAMPAIGN FOR MR HANKY TO REPRESENT RECTAL
  CANCER - @SamJCarpenter writes, "Any chance of
  getting this in the newsletter for my friend
  who started it, but sadly passed this week?"
http://chn.ge/Q797KH


  * 3RD ANNUAL GREENWICH PANTO HORSE RACE 2012 -
  mr_mekon types, "As some of you guys know,for
  the past 2 years, myself and a few other B3tans
  help put together a silly Pantomime Horse Race
  in aid of Demelza Children's Hospice for sick
  and terminally ill kids. The race isn't until
  December but we are appealing for companies to
  really get behind it this year and help us
  raise between 3-5k. The race will now feature
  20 panto horses plus random fruit,vegetables
  and other 'organisms'. Thanks for supporting
  us!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZPPPROXY8s


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.
  Things we'd really like to see include blah
  blah here's some thoughts that's filling our
  heads this exact second.

  * STUFF TO DO WHEN WiFi IS BROKEN - our
  internet connection is down and we're writing a
  good part of this newsletter blind, based on
  some notes we made last night. Kicking it old
  school; we're even listening to a CD. What was
  it like in the 90s granddad?
  
  * HOW TO GET THE SMELL OF VINEGAR OFF OUR HANDS
  - we decided to try the red cabbage / vinegar /
  bicarbonate of soda experiment to entertain
  our school-holiday-bored kids. And, Christ, our
  hands stink now. Could wash them I suppose.
  
  * RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES THAT LAST AS LONG AS
  REAL BATTERIES - our wireless mouse is flashing
  up messages on the screen saying 'low battery'
  FFS. Only changed it like 2 months ago. The
  world is so shit. GRRR!


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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   Cool cats:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Tall twats:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by HappyToast,
  &#8207;@welsh_gas_doc, &#8207;@tophlammiepie, @driscos,
  Matt Round, @thesaharadesert, @bluest_one,
  &#8207;@MichellefWalker, executiverocker,
  sinisterduck, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Alistair Coleman is acting QOTW bloke. 
  Subjlol via Bored of that now
    
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  TOP TIP:
  Shave with baby oil. It's cheaper than that
  King of Shaves stuff and the end result is the
  same: a slightly greasy, shaved face.

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