we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "OFFICAL PURILE DIGITAL ARTS COMMUNITY PARTNER OF THE 2012 OLYMPIC GAMES"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* MAN OF STEEL  - Rejected trailer
* NERDERY - Choose Your Own Adventure best deaths
* JEREMY HUNT - Disco remix

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Finding willies and     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   bums funny since
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   1978... together"

B3ta email 539  - 27 Jul 2012

Read this issue backwards and summon LOCOG:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue539 

   Chum :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   UnChum : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  VW Camper Van Tent

  If you're going to a festival this year (some
  of them are still going apparently), the
  bestest tent is the VW Camper Van Tent. Not
  cheap at £299.99, but so extraordinary to look
  at that you can sack off seeing the dull dad
  rock bands and just spend three days going,
  "fucking hell, look at my tent."
http://bit.ly/MpjKFi


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Lots of stuff. Yay

  >> MAN OF STEEL - Rejected Music <<
  "A while back, me and my rapper friend MC
  Wreckshin pitched some music for the trailer of
  the new Superman film Man Of Steel", writes
  Superpowerless, "It was rejected." And what an
  error Warner Bros made, for this is truly
  excellent. 
http://b3ta.com/links/MAN_OF_STEEL_Rejected_Music


  >> Fifty Shades Generator <<
  "We've created what could be the future of
  erotic fiction," opines McChaff. "At the click
  of a button, you get original and truly
  horrific 'mommy-porn' literature that manages
  to rival its inspiration in cringeworthyness."
  Lorum ipsum is for pussies.
http://www.fiftyshadesgenerator.com/


  >> Boris Johnson's Olympic welcome <<
  Tow-headed toff Boris describes the sporting
  delights in store. "Watch it while you can,"
  advises casetteboy. "It uses the Olympic logos,
  so who knows, it might get taken down."
http://bit.ly/MJXgDm


  >> How gadgets work <<
  Thoughtful piece by Sheep!, in his guise as
  Max X, explaining just how everyday technology
  such as the mobile phone acquires its magical
  properties.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_film_about_how_gadgets_work


  >> Stallion Explosion's puppet frenzy << 
  "Hey I've shoved up a puppets thingy," beams
  Joel Veitch. We like Joel, we like the puppets,
  we lurve the title sequence, which should be
  the new opening to News at Ten. BONG! BONG!
  BONG OF DEATH!
http://bit.ly/O1CNZ3


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Choose Your Own Adventure - Deaths <<
  Blog showcasing the bestest deaths from the
  multiple choice gamebooks that were all the
  rage in the 80s and 90s. We were always partial
  to page 14 of the GrailQuest books, where you
  were resurrected by Merlin and then told off
  for being feckless and wasting time.
http://youchosewrong.tumblr.com/


  >> Surprise clown! <<
  "I hate my boyfriend. I pissed myself x4. So
  far." Sustained joke or a sinister gaslighting
  campaign?
http://imgur.com/a/rjTfN 


  >> Do you suck at your religion? <<
  The Oatmeal helps you assess just how good you
  are at your chosen belief system.
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/religion


  >> 100 Worthwhile DOS Games of the 90s <<
  Fire up your water-cooled, UV-underlit MS-DOS
  gaming 'rig' and check out these beauties. Or
  take out your false teeth, suck on a Werthers
  Original and reminisce about how the games of
  yesteryear were so much better than today.
http://bit.ly/QNNznL


  >> '8 Amazing Drowned Buildings' <<
  Architectural beauties that were deliberately
  flooded, to the delight of photographers
  everywhere. The main criterion for being on
  this list is to be a church - no-one gives a
  fuck about your aquatic Netto.
http://bit.ly/Mb8Asa


  >> Terry Gilliam's personal archive <<
  Holly Gilliam, Terry's daughter, blogs the gems
  she discovers as she re-organises the great
  man's personal archive. It's only been going a
  week, but worth keeping an eye on if you're a
  fan.
http://hollydgilliam.blogspot.co.uk/


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but you're allowed to watch it at work

  >> Jeremy Hunt Disco Bell Remix << 
  The jokes about Hunt having his "bell end come
  off in his hand" are already tedious but this
  short remix by The Poke is a campanologist's
  delight.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HluQ3MIW5zM


  >> Five men under a nuclear explosion <<
  Ah, the Fifties - such a different era. These
  soldiers were excited to volunteer to stand
  directly underneath an exploding nuclear bomb,
  in the name of Science. Except for the guy
  holding the camera, he was just ordered to do
  it.
http://n.pr/NMgZ2l


  >> Mastermind: Stupidity of Fr. Dougal McGuire <<
  Excellent-value specialist round from Celebrity
  Mastermind, like a Father Ted greatest hits in
  quiz form.
http://bit.ly/Mb8Oj9


  >> Bungle's screen test for Jaws <<
  Rare footage of the Rainbow bear's first,
  hesitant steps in his fledgling acting career.
  Part of some big Comic Relief thing in aid of
  puppets or something - Bagpuss is also worth a
  look.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bungle_screen_test_for_Jaws


  >> Cop movie 'snappy banter' <<
  We've never seen Samurai Cop but, judging from
  this, it's hard to tell if the acting or the
  writing is the worst thing ever. The actors
  seem genuinely baffled by the words coming from
  their own mouths.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KFKnQcvgLY 


  >> 1980s optical illusion <<
  Instructions on how to create your own,
  baffling 'Ames Window' - with the bonus of the
  lovely retrocity that comes with footage from a
  1980s TV show.
http://youtu.be/OIGaDXH9v2o



-------------------------------------------------

: TOKENISTIC OLYMPICS CORNER
  Janey Thomson's Marathon live event

  A few years back Matt Round and your Ginger
  Fuhrer produced a joystick-waggling Marathon
  game. Matt writes -

  "It would be fun if people played Janey
  Thomson's Marathon along with the women's
  marathon race on telly. I'd happily give a
  medal for the best highlights video uploaded of
  a winning attempt. I like the idea of people
  struggling & sweating to hammer away at a
  couple of keys while the world's best athletes
  actually run it..."
http://www.e4.com/game/janey-thomson-s-marathon/play.e4


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Twice the "funny" twice the unmitigated shit

  * CHINESE FOOTBALLER - his parents scored an
  own goal with this name.  
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wang_Shouting 

  * PC DICK COCKHEAD - we're still struggling to
  believe this can be real.
https://twitter.com/jonnypelham/statuses/228174424094957568



-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW FRIDAY
  @KimKierkegaard

  The philosophy of Søren Kierkegaard mashed with
  the tweets and observations of Kim Kardashian.

  Sample tweets include
  
  "Lazy day poolside! Best french toast ever. No
  other loss can occur so quietly as the loss of
  one's self."
  
  "Good morning Miami! Here everything lies naked
  and visible before God, and consciousness has
  nowhere to hide."
  
  "My soul always turns back to the Old Testament
  & Shakespeare. They hate, love, murder their
  enemies. What could be more summery than that?"
https://twitter.com/KimKierkegaard

  FYI: We've just looked up Søren Kierkegaard
  trying to find some fun facts. There are none.
  Not one.

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Sheds Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
  magnificence of Sheds

  Your favourites included:
 
  * LAWN: death stalks from below, bringing
    its all-weather, varnished terror 
    (Captain Howdey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10810801
 
  * JACK: off-season caretaker takes 
    umbrage at wife's invasion of
    tool-storage privacy (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10811525
  
  * NEON: madcap catnip stroboscopic disco 
    chaos (HEKIM)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10814138
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sheds/

  >> New challenge: Guns <<
  Everything, with the possible exception 
  of film premieres, is improved by adding 
  guns. So add guns. To everything
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/guns/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.
 
  * WHAT TO DO WITH FOXNEWSUK? ASCII Cat writes,
  "A year ago I registered FoxNewsUk.Com  and
  it's just come up for renewal - I'm paying $10
  a year to keep this going, so I've switched it
  to mirror a website about foxes, but I wonder
  if any B3ta readers can think of another use
  for it?" If you've got some ideas then make
  sure you tell us.
http://www.foxnewsuk.com/ 


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * COOKIE CUTTER - Alistair Coleman writes, 'A
  "YES, I ACCEPT YOUR COOKIE POLICY" APP - We're
  already sick to death of "accepting cookies" on
  every single website we visit, on every single
  browser, on every single device. Somebody make
  something that will make it all go away.'


  * TEETH THAT DON'T GET STAINED - we clean our
  teeth, we floss, we don't smoke, so why do we
  keep having to go the dental hygienist to stop
  our teeth going brown? It's not fair.
  
  * RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES THAT DON'T NEED
  RECHARGING - they are such a fucking pain.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

    SUBS:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    BLUBS:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bole982, Happosai,
  &#8207;@seanan_kerr, Smale, skintagain, mrandrist,
  Shinigawa &#8207;@Samegreattaste @RobinEmm Image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via Joe Scaramanga.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Defecate by contracting your abdominal muscles,
  causing intra-abdominal pressure to increase,
  lowering your perineal wall, causing the ano
  rectal angle to decrease from 90 degrees to
  less than 15 degrees and relaxing your external
  anal sphincter. If possible, sit on a toilet
  first. Sorry, should've mentioned that earlier.
  ( Zuowan)

next issue »
« previous issue