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NEWSLETTER: "DO PARANOID ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEPLE?"

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This Week:
* SONG - Computer games stole my friend!
* VID - Wanking London
* MAKE - Monitor that only you can read

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "Waiting for ASCII 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | newsletters to come back
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| into fashion since 2001"

B3ta email 538  - 20th July 2012

Read out newsletter on a rubbish speech synth:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue538 

    Cool cats :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Foolish twats : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
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http://monetisetrk3.co.uk/?a=142&c=7307&s1=


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> MMORPG song <<
  "I wrote an epic song about losing a friend to
  computer games (with @superpowerless &
  @Peepholecircus)," types your Ginger Furher. "I
  know I've been a constant cheerleader for
  technology but even I'm worried that replacing
  real friendship with virtual friendships isn't
  good for us." 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIMXKLWcx1g


  >> Nervous Wildebeest <<
  "Two wildebeest think about crossing a river,"
  explains Bewley. Perhaps they should think
  again?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wildebeest_new_and_corrected


  >> Urban Suspense <<
  "Here's a lady going through a terrifying
  ordeal, which you may be familiar with,"
  intones kfk. Sent a shiver of recognition down
  our spines. Which makes us sound like timid
  hedgehogs. Imagine us that way if you prefer.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Urban_Suspense


  >> The Flatulence Syndrome <<
  Star Trek fartfoolery from Black Moon. You love
  it. Heaven help us, you absolutely love this
  stuff. (We like it too.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Flatulence_Syndrome


  >> Reading Fifty Shades of Grey <<
  Ornsack tackles the erotic masterpiece of our
  times. "This video could be the strangest thing
  I've ever made," he confesses.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Reading_Fifty_Shades_of_Grey


  >> Incredibly frustrating 60-second game <<
  "Use your arrow keys to navigate the
  constantly-changing pathways. Get to the end of
  each path before it shifts. Can you make it
  through a whole minute?" asks yanmania. Well,
  can you, punk? (Answer: probably not, because
  it's really, really hard)
http://www.yanmania.com/games/sixty_second_search/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Burning in Hell
 
  Last week we asked you to confess the reason
  you'd burn in hell when the last trump called.
  A surprising number of these involve Down's
  Syndrome:
http://b3ta.com/questions/burninhell/

  * F.A.B. - "I decided to have a 15-minute break
  from work, after dealing with some complaints,
  to get some fresh air. As I was milling about
  in the car park, one of the local
  automated-wheelchair driving women pulled up in
  her modded people carrier. She parks not too
  far from me, presses a few buttons and her car
  starts to slide open, revealing a side-lift.
  She rolls on, presses another button and slowly
  begins her descent. Nowt really funny about
  this tbh... until another worker passed by. His
  mobile went off. And played, as loud as you
  like, the fucking Thunderbirds theme tune. I
  nearly asphyxiated. She wasn't impressed."
  (Jeccius)
 
  * FINGER - "The sun was blazing off the
  windscreens of passing cars, the sky was clear,
  it was a good day to be driving on our fair
  nation's motorways. Ahead of me was a coach,
  the kind used to ferry airport-goers and the
  elderly, in the middle lane. As I came to
  overtake, I saw a fairly familiar sight: a
  bunch of school kids leering out the back
  window, exercising their wrists in a manner
  designed to imply that I was a wanker. I'm an
  easy-going, devil- may-care kind of guy, but
  that glorious day I was having none of it. So,
  as I approached I extended my left arm, keeping
  my eyes of the road of course, and delivered a
  steady and determined middle finger that Johnny
  Cash would have been proud of. As I passed, I
  glanced upward at its steamed windows, to see a
  group of smiling children with Down's waving
  excitedly at me... My attempt to morph my bird
  into a reciprocated wave was the epitome of
  patheticness. Funny how wrong you can be with
  the sun in your eyes." (Jimtastic)
 
  * IKEA - "I once ordered a lemonade at a cafe
  in an IKEA. They gave me the cup at the
  check-out to serve myself from the dispenser. I
  put in some ice and filled my plastic 500ml cup
  with soft drink mix. Unfortunately, I filled it
  too close to the brim for easy transportation.
  I took a couple of refreshing sips to lower the
  level in the cup. At this point I could have
  just walked away. Some nights I lie in bed
  racked with remorse asking again and again:
  'Why? Why didn't I just walk away?' But a
  horrible plan had formed, driven by all-
  consuming greed. I didn't care who I destroyed,
  how many laws I broke. I checked the ladies at
  the register. Busy. I looked up. No CCTV. My
  heart pounding, I returned and TOPPED UP MY
  DRINK AGAIN WITH MORE LEMONADE THAN I HAD PAID
  FOR. Exiting rather too quickly I spilled a
  little, probably losing more than I had
  illegally gained. Even in my car I wasn't safe
  until at least a few miles away. The drinks
  holder was too small for the cup, so I drank
  the whole thing too quickly to really enjoy it.
  It's a crime I've had to live with for the rest
  of my days. I never went back to that IKEA
  again. I can't; the risk is too great. I'd
  gambled and won, but if they recognised me, I
  could lose everything." (cumquat may)


  >> This Week - Tantrums <<
  After certain members lost it a bit last week
  over garden sheds, we though we'd ask for your
  stories of adults and children acting like,
  well, children. Wail and stomp here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/tantrums/

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: AMAZON TAT
  It's a big shop of shit BUT WITH COMMENTS

  * HELPING THE RETARDED TO KNOW GOD: A guide for
  Christian teachers of the mentally handicapped.
  Reviews include the cheery, "Cognitive
  disability is one of the effects of religion.
  If you want your child to become mentally
  retarded, by all means indoctrinate them into a
  religion" and "It wasn't quite heavy enough to
  do the trick."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0006CAG4M/b3ta-21

  * £1,638 WOODEN PINOCCHIO TOY - Mr Trinder
  writes, "Price is clearly a mistake, comments
  are lovely."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0058BDOBI/b3ta-21


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Blade Runner magazine covers <<
  Intriguing gallery of retro-futuristic magazine
  covers, used in the background of a single
  scene of 1982's Blade Runner. Amazing attention
  to detail.
http://bit.ly/M0c8xf


  >> Sports TV lies to you <<
  Turns out UEFA has been spicing up 'live' games
  with a bit of pre-shot footage, to the
  widespread, and unconvincing, shock of various
  broadcasters. There's every chance the Olympics
  will be getting the same reality TV treatment.
http://deadsp.in/NG1Kq1


  >> Super-resolution images <<
  Since the birth of the internet, man has
  struggled to turn shitty little jpegs, with no
  detail, into glorious wall-concealing posters
  for his student hovel. This is impressive stuff.
http://www.wisdom.weizmann.ac.il/~vision/SingleImageSR.html


  >> How to paint a 150ft tall Batman <<
  The side of a tower block, regularly
  transformed into a titanic movie poster. Who
  does it - and how?
http://bit.ly/NmRkQw


  >> Sinclair BASIC redux <<
  Nostalgic nerds rejoice! Sinclair BASIC is back
  and badder than ever. And now, no attribute
  clash! Yeah! In your fucking face, Commodore
  BASIC!
https://sites.google.com/site/pauldunn/


  >> Make a private computer screen <<
  Turn an old LCD into a monitor that only you
  can read, with an afternoon, a bit of ingenuity
  and some old 3D glasses.
http://bit.ly/M0ccgJ


  >> That big event in London <<
  Tote bags that tell people what you really
  think of the Olympics. Although, of course, it
  doesn't mention the Olympics - or Lord Coe
  would chop off their heads.
http://thatbigeventinlondon.co.uk/


  >> Some dipshit "web guru" <<
  Top tip - never let yourself be billed as a
  'social media expert', if you haven't already
  registered your name as a domain. Also...
  Twitter. Blurgh. Disaster.
http://www.lukebozier.com/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but the aerial gives you cancer. Possibly

  >> Wanking London <<
  Very silly part-animated tour of London
  landmarks. And pretty much what you might
  expect from the title.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wank_London


  >> Interviewing Danny Dyer... on acid <<
  Vice reporter interviews Danny Dyer while under
  the influence of powerful, new hallucinogen
  lysergic acid diethylamide. Charmingly
  shambolic. 
http://bit.ly/OpfOct 


  >> Hero animation <<
  Bonnie Tyler's "I Need a Hero" realised as a
  claymation fantasy epic. Great soundtrack,
  bonkers visuals.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36n-XzgsvJM


  >> Kitten attack <<
  Cute baby cat once again massively
  overestimates its own abilities. Honestly, it's
  a wonder any of them get to grow up. We tested
  this out on a 3 y/o boy who made us play this
  clip 15 times.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-CeXxaW348


  >> One Hand <<
  Amusingly immature homage to Alanis Morrisette.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Immature:2


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  It's always funny in Paedophilia

  Gibell writes, "I am not usually one for daft
  names but I had to smile at the lighting guy's
  name in 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'.
  Brilliant programme as well."
http://uk.imdb.com/name/nm0649628/


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: ADVANCED PEDANTRY CORNER

  "Maybe I can get something in the Top Tippage
  that may both help humanity and also get
  something off my chest and into the open, where
  it can hopefully have an end put to it once and
  for all?" inquires Hen. "Perhaps it can one day
  produce similar righteous fury amongst pedants
  as the misplaced apostrophe.

  "Copy writers: instead of placing the prefix
  'pre-' in front of a verb that already
  describes an action that's carried out in
  advance (i.e. pre-order), why not go and slam
  your typing hand in the heaviest door you can
  find? While the bones are healing you can think
  more deeply about the folly you were about to
  commit."

  Which definately begs the question, is there
  enough pedant's out there to commence starting
  a regular feature on rediculous pedanticism?
  Surely there can't be alot of mistakes on the
  internet, so the point is mute.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Self-Portrait Challenge

  Last week we told you go depict yourselves.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * PORK: space-travelling captain thrusts cured
  pig parcel (ham o' shatner - spelt correctly
  this week!)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10806696

  * NUCLEAR: tight-trousered viking displays
  disturbing contents of desk (atomic)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10807388

  * CODE: time's cruel passage, as depicted via
  the medium of cascading style sheet (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10806780
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/SelfPortrait/


  >> New challenge: Sheds <<
  Let's photoshop sheds. Sheds in the Olympics.
  Sheds manning machine gun posts in the trenches
  of the Great War. Sheds sweeping in majestic
  herds across the horizon, sheds on pogo sticks
  and sheds taking tents up the wrong'un.
  Challenge suggested by boris the spider.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sheds/


  BTW: Official Image Challenge chap Fraser Lewry
  has until recently been working for The Word, a
  fantastic music magazine that's sadly closed
  down. Read this glowing tribute to him from his
  ex-boss where he's described as the 'digital
  Jeeves'.
http://bit.ly/O2Jyt0


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * YOU PARK LIKE A CUNT stickers and ticket
  books are now available to the masses. "I ummed
  and ahhed about whether or not I should post
  this," agonises long-time b3tan Fray Bentos,
  who is now selling the tools you need to let
  people know what you think of their abysmal
  parking. "I hope this isn't seen a cynical
  attempt to get people to buy the site's stuff,
  because it is. Well, a bit maybe."
http://bit.ly/MzgKL1


  * RTJ'S EDINBURGH SHOW - "I'm taking my debut
  solo show 'Richard Tyrone Jones's Big Heart' to
  the Edinburgh Fringe and then on tour round the
  UK," informs Richard Tyrone Jones. "It's got a
  bit of a serious message about how I almost
  died of heart failure despite being thirty and
  well buff, and will hopefully serve the purpose
  of educating people about their dicky tickers.
  If, by spending two years, 50 grand, and my few
  remaining grey cells on it, I can save just one
  life... it really won't be worth the bother. So
  I made the show free. In Edinburgh."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1T042EMs_Og


  * HANSI LOVES THE SWASTIKA - The rather
  alarming Nazi-to-Christian kids' book we
  featured last week turns out to be... a real
  person's autobiography! How rare! Thanks to
  Jeff for the tip-off.
http://hansiministries.org/bio.htm


  * BAD ACID INFO - "Your advice to take 5mg of
  LSD to alleviate the boredom of watching paint
  dry is slightly misleading," corrects
  ifrypuppies. "0.5mg of LSD would produce the
  most enthralling psychedelic hallucinations.
  5mg would send you on a mind-melting, Fear and
  Loathing rollercoaster ride over the cuckoo's
  nest." Well, uh, you need to build up a
  tolerance, dearie.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WHAT'S THAT NOISE QUIZ - take thousands of
  sounds from an opensource SFX site like
  freesound.org and make a quiz. Is this: A. A
  tap dripping B. A penis dripping
  
  * STRAW-MAN CHROME PLUG-IN - a user-editable
  database that shows all the bullshit arguments
  used by newspaper columnists, whilst you are
  reading. 'Citation needed' and 'weasel words'
  could be nabbed from Wikipedia too.
  
  * A BUTTON THAT TURNS OFF THE INTERESTING BITS
  OF THE INTERNET WHEN THERE'S WORK TO DO - we're
  constantly sticking Twitter on block via
  OpenDNS but then we find ourselves sneaking
  round it, via sites that use the API etc. So
  we're probably really asking for a button to
  turn off the procrastinatory portion of the
  human brain.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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 Come to daddy:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Come on daddy:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by gypsy turnips,
  Awks, Jimmers, Tab Hunter, sinisterduck,
  finnbar. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. Almost 100% of SITES IN
  BRIEF by Matt Round. 
  Top tip by username failed moderation.

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  TOP TIP:
  Annoy grammar nazis by saying in a soothing
  tone, "Their their, never mind."

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