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This Week:
* SONG - Internet Microcelebrity
* QUESTION - How to survive the apocalypse
* IMAGES - North Korea rules the UK

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're crashing the      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    web... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 534  - 22nd June 2012

Read this issue whilst sobbing about your life:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue534

   Friends  :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Bastards : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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  Warning: You may laugh so much that a bit of
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 1/2
  Microcelebrity, London, Greybloke

  >> Internet Microcelebrity <<
  Part II of the your Ginger Fuhrer's existental
  musical about being trapped by technology is
  here for your delight. If you hate it then la
  la la we're not listening because you're utterly
  wrong and the only correct response is love.
  Animation by @Peepholecircus and musical sugar
  added by  @superpowerless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIezWFo9464


  >> 20 Gigapixels of central London <<
  "I recently got the opportunity to go up a tower
  in central London that was in the process of being
  refurbished," writes wjh31. "So I took 2,500 photos
  and stitched them together into a pair of panoramas."
  As you do. Apparently, there might be NSFW activity
  going on in some of the little buildings - a small
  prize if you spot any.
http://lifeinmegapixels.com/blog/2012/06/london-in-20-gigapixels/


  >> Greybloke's hot celebrity goss <<
  "I'm doing celeb goss now, like Perez Hiltonian
  or someone," claims somegreybloke.
http://bit.ly/MJyWyj


-------------------------------------------------

  If the Jimmy Carr tax stuff worries you then
  please read Treasure Islands. The problem is
  bigger than a few celebs. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0099541726/b3ta-21

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The Apocalypse

  Last week we asked how you'd survived pathetic
  inconveniences, but got proper, serious disaster
  stories. Go read Ken Oath's bush fire story.
  And then Que's flood story. And never complain
  again:
http://b3ta.com/questions/apocalypse/

  * SAFE - "2008 was a very exiting and fearful
   time of e-books, a black guy in charge of America
   and the Large Hadron Collider worrying at the
   fabric of the universe. Speculation was agasp
   at how it could either revolutionise science or
   create the most destructive force in the universe
   - a BLACK HOLE. My father was busy in the back
   garden of his house and after twenty minutes of
   banging he called me into the garden with a cry
   of childish glee. "You know that black hole that
   might happen? I've made something to stop us
   getting sucked into oblivion." My mother looked
   at me and shook her head sadly. "Go on then,"
   I said. My father lead me to at small, cleared
   patch into which, ladies and gentlemen, he'd
   hammered a tent peg with a piece of nylon string
   attached. I was that gobsmacked that I forgot
   to ask why it had taken him twenty minutes of
   banging to make it." (shake'n'bake)

  * FIRE - "When I was about four years old, my
   mother set fire to the kitchen. She was like
   that. This was the 1960s, and our kitchen had
   these futuristic, new polystyrene tiles on the
   ceiling - and we quickly discovered why they
   are no longer recommended for kitchens, as
   droplets of toxic, burning sludge rained down
   from the merrily-blazing ceiling. So I'm four
   years old, staring down the hall at the raging
   inferno that had been our kitchen mere moments
   before. Determinedly, I trotted out into the
   front garden, scooped up a handful of snow,
   returned to the hall and tossed a toddler's-
   hand-sized snowball into the flames. Satisfied
   that the crisis had now been averted, I returned
   to the lounge to read comics." (moon monkey)  

  * RAFT - "My better half is a great fan of
   disaster films. Unfortunately she also tends
   to get drawn into them and forget that Hollywood
   has a habit of exaggerating physical laws as
   well as just plain making shit up. In the past
   six months, as a direct result of her seeing
   numerous films in which the world nearly ends,
   she has requested the following modifications
   to the house: A large fireplace, A basement,
   an electrical generator, a reinforced roof,
   a fuel storage tank, a water storage tank
   independent of the main supply, a solid fuel
   stove and - my absolute favourite - a fucking
   raft. We live in a smallish two-up two-down
   terraced house on the outskirts of Derbyshire."
  (Munsta)


  >> This Week - Clubs, Gangs & Societies <<
  What have you joined? Was it awesome like
  Eyes Wide Shut, or scary and freaky like,
  erm, Eyes Wide Shut? Tell us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/clubsandgangs/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Worst of OK Cupid << 
  A succulent selection of the very worst that
  internet dating has to offer. From poorly-chosen
  tattoos, through rape jokes to actual sex
  offenders. Makes us glad cut off our penis
  years ago and now only date robots.
http://www.okcenemies.com/


  >> Kids book movie scenes <<
  Pixar artist creates a whole book's worth of
  famous movie scenes as if they were a children's
  storybook from the 60s. Don't leave your kids
  with him.
http://imgur.com/a/SS6V5#0


  >> Faith-restoring pictures <<
  Gallery of life-affirming stories that will
  either have you bawling like a child or
  wretching like a curmudgeonly cat.
http://is.gd/g0bu2V


  >> The Great Tower for London <<
  Here's a scan of the bat-shit crazy designs
  the Victorians proposed for a Great Tower for
  London. Why? Because Paris just got the Eiffel
  Tower and we had to do bigger and better. Our
  fave is #6, with the spiral steam rain driving
  up the side. What happened in the end? We got
  discouraged and gave up - oh, London, don't
  ever change!
http://bit.ly/KYaeGk


  >> Crap Jokes <<
  Keep pushing the button for another sweet, sweet
  hit of Viz Crap Joke, like a rat on seratonin.
http://www.viz.co.uk/crapjokes.html


  >> Making 'glass' crisps <<
  Cook your own potato crisps that look, amazingly,
  as if they've been carved from broken glass! Are
  they delicious? Who cares - crisps made of glass!
http://www.instructables.com/id/Glass-Potato-Chips/?ALLSTEPS


  >> Jim Davidson's blog highlights <<
  Selected excerpts from the personal journal of
  bitter, old-school comedian Jim Davidson. It's
  like the Daily Mail turned off their spell check.
http://bit.ly/KYs940


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like long animated GIFS with sound

  >> Surface crash <<
  Press launch for Microsoft's iPad-killing
  Surface and the damn thing crashes. Hard no
  to feel a twinge of empathy for the poor
  presenter, as his voice wavers and he tries
  to conceal the frozen screen. Cripes.
http://youtu.be/N1zxDa3t0fg


  >> Bird call interrupter <<
  Surreal intervention in golf interview, as a
  man pops up and makes a noise like a peacock.
  To raise awareness, or something.
http://bit.ly/PdBqW3


  >> China news thinks fleshlight is mushroom <<
  News report on a "strange, meaty plant",
  discovered by Chinese villagers digging a
  well. An odd mix of smiling at the naivety
  and boggling at the wild array of fake facts
  they produce to back it up. Or maybe the
  Chinese are making their own version of
  Brass Eye?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=789he-8T_-E


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the North Korean Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to picture the UK
  under North Korean leadership 

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SMUG: familiar figure takes breakfast as
    missile launcher dominates 
    background (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10788480
 
  * UPLIFT: the DPRKUK's new class system,
    explained via the medium of sixties 
    comedy sketch (monkeon)   
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10791720
 
  * SEASIDE: Kim Jong-un visits Skegness
    and finds it very much to his liking
    (E Dubya)  
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10790924
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/northkorea-uk/


  >> New challenge: Animal Art <<
  Everyone loves helicopter cat. Damian 
  Hirst's shark is a modern classic. Show 
  us how all art would be better if it 
  featured an animal. Challenge suggested 
  by monkeon.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalart/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 2/2
  Pedos, Tits & babies. Errk!?
 
  >> Pedo Remix <<
  "Just a little I made for Vice," writes smearballs,
  flexing his schtick of repeating and manipulating
  the most shocking of subject matter into catchy
  jingles.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pedo_Remix_I_made_for_Vice_Magazine


  >> Tits <<
  "My new animation tells the story of how women
  want us to see them," opines Koit. "I made this
  using science." Needless to say NSFW.
http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/tits.php


  >> Famous movie screamalong baby <<
  "Just a bit of Monday fun...... Fonday....."
  burbles BoogalooShrimp. Why this is a thing we
  do not know. But exist it does. And amazing it is.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Baby_Wilhelm_Scream


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SHED OR DEAD  - "It's nearly over for another
    year; just the final judging to do. Some
    brilliant sheds that are a bit off the wall
    this year in the final." writes unclewilco.
    Highlights include:
http://bit.ly/KZ93Z7


  * VHS ART - SauronWibble writes, "In response
    to Nilbert asking what to do with old VHS
    tapes, check out this guys artwork, looks
    pretty cool."
http://bit.ly/MENCez


  * SINGING FUN - edblunt writes, "Re Sunday
    morning communal singing: every so often
    I play piano for the 'School of Life'
    Sunday lectures in the Conway Hall.
    Starts off with a raucous singalong or
    two, followed by an interesting talk by a
    guest speaker. Past classics include Don't
    Stop Me Now, Eye of the Tiger..."
http://www.theschooloflife.com


  * B3TA JINGLE - skeltonator writes, "Hi guys!
    Remember the Jingle writer???? The one from
    the newsletter? Well I decided to get in
    touch with him and persuaded him to do a
    Jingle for B3TA. Now we have our very own
    Jingle! I present to you THE B3TA jingle.
    By Peter Modern. HOORAY!!! It is a truly
    wonderful piece of work!!! He sent me the
    cd in the post! Awesome!" Please remix this
    now - it's just so good.
http://soundcloud.com/jake-skelton/01-b3ta-jingle


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A WAY OF MAKING YOUR PENIS NOT HURT - say if
    you've been left alone in the house all day
    and had about 8 wanks. 
  
  * A SMALL, ADDITIONAL TOILET FOR FLUSHING SNOT -
    and we don't mean sexy snot after the 8 wanks.
  
  * A WAY OF CHANGING OUR DNA - apparently we've
    been leaving around rather a lot of 'evidence'

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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   WANK BANK:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   BANK WANK:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via mozza, 
  disco_doctor, GubbinsMctavish, UltimateMonkey,
  Shazzoir, samthesuperfurryanimal, nikjohns,
  cactonucleopticalfrompadeenick, @fazalkhan.  
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Rob Leese Jones
  Top tip by Commander_billybops.
  
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  TOP TIP: Technophiles! A Microsoft Surface
  tablet will go really well with your Zune player.

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