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NEWSLETTER: "FOR FUCK'S SAKE MA'AM, SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT"

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This Week:
* JUBILEE CASSETTEBOY - if you can find it
* MICROSOFT CLIPPY - on every website!
* WINEHOUSE DEATH HOUSE - your chance to buy

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're selling B3ta for     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   £83m. (the m stands 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      for mallards)"

B3ta email 531  - 1st June 2012

Read this issue after inhaling helium. 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue531

   Thankers :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Wankers : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SOLAR PANELS DEAL
  (Sponsored link)
  
  Want 70% off solar panels to reduce your
  carbon footprint? What about £700 per year tax
  free money off the Government? Then get a
  quote for your area:
http://goo.gl/sxtwf

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> Is Jeremy Hunt hiding from Twitter? <<
  Tom Scott and Your Ginger Fuhrer have made a a
  site that monitors if someone is hiding from
  twitter - because @jeremy_hunt hasn't posted
  on Twitter since the 23rd of April. Oh Jerry -
  won't you come back to Twitter? We miss your
  sweet tweets.
http://www.aretheyhidingfromtwitter.com/#jeremy_hunt


  >> Banned Cassetteboy Royal Video <<
  Released earlier this week and nixed by a
  paranoid BBC that doesn't want to be seen
  doing anything to upset Her Majesty, else
  her government might send them all to the
  Tower. Watch it quickly, if you find a copy,
  as they've been swatting the re-uploads
  like flies.
http://bit.ly/KDWvZB


  >> Giant Robo-Protector <<
  "This is a game I made for the Ludum Dare 48
  hour game competition," explains yanmania. Play
  as a giant robot to protect your little friends
  from the bad things from space. Try not to
  crush them all with your hulking boots of lead.
http://www.yanmania.com/comments/my_little_friends/


  >> Tourette's Dice <<
  "I've been having fun with my layzor and
  thought I should show you," brags Duke
  Euphoria. "Roll these puppies on your favorite
  flat surface anytime you feel the need to
  express yourself through the medium of random
  profanity. Part of the reason I'm posting this
  is to gauge whether there's serious enough
  demand to make it worth making them available
  to buy." What do you reckon? Perfect Mother's
  Day gift or what?
http://bit.ly/JyxOtp


  >> Puppy Supper <<
  "An enthusiastic puppy wants his food," intones
  Bewley, in the style of Game of Thrones' Jaqen
  H'gar. This is a lovely little animation about
  an overenthusiastic doggy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Supper


  >> Portable Musical Mishaps <<
  Sheep! continues his peculiar German TV series
  with this rumination on the perils of "the
  miniaturisation of portable music devices".
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Portable_Music


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Down on the Farm

  We wanted your farm stories. It seems a lot
  of you have deep memories of the 1970s public 
  safety film 'Apaches' in which five children
  brutally die over 26 minutes. Nice:
http://b3ta.com/questions/downonthefarm/

  * SLED - "Ross-on-Wye, winter, lots of snow.
   Mr. Farmer and I have fed the hanimals, there's
   not much else to do, so... a competition to
   build the fasted sled that'll carry us both.
   Mr. Farmer gets all serious with a very pretty
   timber sled on runners. He's quite the
   craftsman. I'm not. I go for timber pallet
   nailed to a sheet of corrugated iron clubbed
   till one end curls up in the air. We drag
   them up the steepest field, Mr. Farmer making
   derisive comments about my sled's aesthetics.
   His fancy-boy sled is up first, him in the
   driving seat and me on the back. We shove off.
   Nothing. The skinny runners sink in even with
   only one person aboard. He sulks. No worries,
   let's hop on mine! I jump on the pallet, Mr.
   Farmer behind and FUCKING WHOOOSH, we are very
   quickly sliding down the slope with very little
   control or vision. The front slaps the snow
   throwing up a blinding snow cloud. As we near
   the bottom of the slope and I realise we have
   no way to stop, Mr. Farmer screams something
   incomprehensible in my ear. I feel the sled
   lighten and he bails, tumbling down the slope
   behind me. I turn and call him a big poof just
   as the previously unseen single strand of
   barbed wire catches me fair across the chest.
   Fucking. Ouch. Apparently I resembled a pole-
   axed teddy bear, arms and legs forward, cheeks
   puffed out in a big OOF. Couldn't drink the
   beer I won for a few days, hurt to raise my
   arms. And I had to wait two days for Mr. Farmer
   to stop laughing."
(Ken Oath)

  * BACON - "Out walking with my wife after she'd
   recently given birth, we arrived at the back of
   a farm. Over the fence we could see a huge pig
   and my wife, ever the animal-lover, beckoned it
   over to stroke it. Except she totally under-
   estimated the size of her new breasts and one
   of them touches the fence. The electric fence.
   The current went through her boob, down her arm
   and directly into the pig's nose. The pig screamed
   a scream I never want to hear again and ran off.
   It was hilarious."
(atdotslash)  

  * TRIP - "As a trainee teacher I got to help take
   some 5/6 year-olds to a farm. The next day in
   class we asked them about the trip, stuff like
   "What's a baby sheep called?" "Where does a cow
   live?" Right at the end, just before playtime,
   the teacher asked, "What sounds did we hear
   yesterday?" There was a cacophony of moos, baas,
   quacks and barks until one little voice piped up
   with, "GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!"
(Official Sarc)


  >> This Week - War <<
  From handbags at dawn to dawn raids in Helmand,
  tell us your stories of conflict, fighting and
  not getting on well with people with guns:
http://b3ta.com/questions/war/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Add Microsoft Clippy to your website <<
  Fans of Word.exe will remember the shitty
  Clippy thing that would pop up and say, "Looks
  like you are writing a suicide note - shall I
  change the font to comic sans?" and now you
  can bring this joy to all your websites.
http://www.smore.com/clippy-js


  >> Questionable Doctor Who Fan art <<
  Rotten fan art is always worth a quick lol. We
  once started making a quiz based upon crap
  drawings of bands found on Google. Best pic?
  En Vogue with lady-cocks. Didn't stick it live
  in the end as we were worried we'd upset some
  14 year-olds who drew this stuff.
http://derptorwho.tumblr.com/


  >> Buy Amy Winehouse's death place <<
  Got a spare £2.7m? Buy the house Amy Winehouse
  died in. Can you imagine the twits who'll be
  pretending to be rich to have a look round?
  Fans, journalists - they'll need security to
  stop people stealing the doorknobs to flog
  on eBay. Still, nice pad, ideal for our
  'murder buy-to-lets' business plan where we
  buy up nasty houses famous for death and 
  rent them out night-by-night to goths and
  mentals.
http://bit.ly/LLzKCR


  >> 360° view from the Shard <<
  Everyone loves The Shard. It's like a huge
  pyramid in Central London. After the
  Apocalypse people will look on it and wonder
  which Pharaoh is buried beneath. Today why not
  just admire the view of London, a place which
  Boris Johnson calls "the Rome of the
  globalised world."
http://www.the-shard.com/views/360.html


  >> Banksy art as real people <<
  The best thing about Banksy is that he's
  largely kept his anonymity. Yes there's been
  photos in the press saying it's this guy or
  that guy, but we're 100% certain he can sit in
  his local Costa Coffee and not get a second
  glance. Must be pretty cool to have a secret
  like that - "Hee hee, I'm banksy," he must
  giggle, and then his pee-pee gets hard. 
http://bit.ly/MVBHOO


  >> Most Powerful Photographs Ever <<
  Pretend you're still human and can briefly have
  emotions before clicking onto the next photo.
http://bit.ly/JAAQBZ


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Sticking the Rudolf Hess in VHS

  >> Best beatbox interview ever <<
  Some German bloke interviews beatbox legend
  Beardyman and it's rather amusing. BTW:
  Beardyman once visited B3ta HQ back in, ooh,
  2006? He bought fried chicken from the local
  place that isn't KFC but looks a bit like KFC
  and ate it in our office. For more exciting
  celebrity stories like these, subscribe to 
  our newsletter.
http://bit.ly/Km4qfb


  >> Sort of amusing Anti-royal song <<
  Mostly amusing by being OTT childishly rude.
  Enjoy your Jubilee. Woo-hoo time off work -
  but so many of us are freelance / contracts
  etc that this is utterly meaningless these
  days. NSFW audio. Make sure you set it as
  someone's homepage to really fuck them off.
http://bit.ly/J8W6LF 


  >> Bang-bang shoot hamster dead <<
  They say never work with children or animals.
  Who says that? Only people who write shitty
  links for TV clips shows. 
http://bit.ly/JQfVHS


  >> Play the new Countdown game <<
  Your job - should you ever watch Countdown -
  is to pronounce the nonsense anagrams as the
  letters are drawn. Or take up heroin.
  Whichever really.
http://bit.ly/L3shyt

  
  >> Mad person singing about cats <<
  Videos like this give us hope there's a place
  for us still on the internet when we lose our
  looks. (We know you read the newsletter for
  its occasional glimpses of the handsome staff)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMmFDsmpdEA


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Not funny or resembling a corner since 1978

  Chafing means "skin irritation from rubbing or
  sweat" so calling a beetle a "cockchafer" is
  downright rude:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cockchafer 

  Although, considering how inventive sailors get
  at sea, the HMS Cockchafer is more logically
  named:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HMS_Cockchafer


-------------------------------------------------

: AMAZON TAT
  Rotten reviews, shit products & more

  * SINISTER OLYMPIC TAT - It's the reviews that
  make this bit of junk special.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005HP1UHK/b3ta-21

  * HAUNTED VAGINA BOOK - hopefully dripping with
  ectojizm.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/097624988X/b3ta-21

  * TOM WATSON DIAL M FOR MURDOCH ON KINDLE - OK
  this isn't tat and if you've been addicted to
  Leveson you really need to read Tom's excellent
  book.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007V5BYI4/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Cute kitten

  @Joetree offers "the photo diary of the cutest
  kitten in the known universe".
http://www.blipfoto.com/entry/2023338


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Explosions Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to blow stuff up

  Your favourites included:
 
  * BOOM! gracefully-animated nuclear
    explosion beauty (herman:D)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10774482 
 
  * BANG! old-skool gaming detonation
    splendour footage (Hitler's Barber)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10774474
  
  * BOFF! spectacular caterpillar dietary 
    error blast (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10775041
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/explosions/


  >> New challenge: The Other Perspective <<
  This week's challenge is to show iconic 
  moments in TV, Film and History as seen 
  from the other guy's perspective. 
  Challenge suggested by Skotzmun.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/perspective/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MR WORMSLEY'S CHRISTMAS - TRAILER "Hi dude!"
  squeals Joel Veitch. "I've finally got Wormsley
  delivered, and whacked the trailer up innit!
  wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" The
  animated crab-epic will be hitting your Sky
  Atlantic screens this Christmas, which may be
  THE MOST AWESOME NEWS YOU HEAR ALL YEAR.
http://bit.ly/K2rKsH

  * B3TA  ART AUCTION MAKES MONEY FOR CHARITY -
  Happytoast writes, "the final tally for this
  year's Art Auction is £2300. We raised almost
  £1800 on the online part and then a further
  £500 at the weekend's London bash. I think it's
  safe to say a top time was had by all. I'll
  get a photo of me handing a cheque over to the
  Cat Survival Trust as soon as I can get down
  there. If you want to see photos of the London
  bash, there are some in the Flickr group." http://www.flickr.com/groups/b3tabashes/


  * C64 AUDIO FOR BETTER VALUE - last week we
  bigged-up the Commodore 64 Album compiled by
  Chris Abbott who writes, "Might be a bit
  late, but could you change the URL in the
  newsletter? It's a lot better deal than Amazon
  since you get immediately downloadable FLACs
  on ordering..." Oh, OK then, just for you.
http://www.c64audio.com/productInfo.php?cat=RER013LP


  * SUPERCALIFRAGILISTIC CAMBODIA - "I've been
  involved in something positive!" exclaims
  DefyingDarwin. "It's some Cambodian kids trying
  to say supercali....you know. So maybe have a
  watch, hopefully it will bring some more
  sunshine to your days. Look at me - I'm
  becoming a hippy!" Adorable bit of charity
  mugging.
http://bit.ly/LQZIkp


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WEETABIX AS CEMENT - scraping milk-dried
  Weetabix off the kitchen table we noted, "this
  stuff is like cement." Can someone try using it
  to keep a wall up? Does it work?

  * BOOKS THAT COME WITH FREE E-BOOK COPY - it's
  insulting to have to buy the same content
  twice. Sort it out, publishers & Amazon.

  * A SWIMMING POOL FULL OF OLIVE OIL - could you
  swim in it? Would you want to?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

 Sex trumpets:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Backstabbers:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by that cock stirling,
  matt round, Jimbotfu, @RichardOsley, Fluffster,
  sinisterduck, UHMUHRAKA!, awsm!, @jivameuk,
  @simonindelicate, @tanepiper. Image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Bela Lugosi's Dad. Top tip nicked
  from @reddit.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Amazing mind hack. Lean your head back and
  pretend to shake a salt cellar into your mouth.
  You can actually taste it!

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