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NEWSLETTER: "DELAYED WHILE THE GOVERNMENT READS IT FIRST"

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This Week:
* VIDEO - Cats Boobs Rainbows!
* PRODUCT - Armando Iannucci Long Handled Shopping Bag
* ALIEN - The Text Adventure

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "Good Friday
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       Bad Saturday
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|          Ugly Sunday"

B3ta email 523  - 6th April 2002

Stick this in your web pipe and HTML smoke it:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue523 

  Legitimates :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Bastards : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Trying to finish all projects before Easter

  >> Goggle Dangerous Glasses <<
  "I couldn't resist," explains Happytoast -
  quick off the satire mark on that rubbish
  Google augmented reality vid.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Goggle_Project_Dangerous_Glasses


  >> Cats Boobs Rainbows <<
  What happens when things that are individually
  awesome are multiplied x infinity?
  "Fffffffffffff fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
  uuuuuuuuccccccccccc cccccccccc kkkkkk,"
  exclaims intrepid experimentalist Faceburger. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/cats_boobs_rainbows


  >> Alien the Text Adventure Game <<
  "Ripley passes some off-duty time with Mother,"
  informs Black Moon. Retro sci-fi keyboard fans
  rejoice.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Alien_frustration_II


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: AMAZON TROLLING CORNER
  Stupid reviews for stupid products
  
  * ARMANDO IANNUCCI LONG HANDLED SHOPPING BAG -
  as recently highlighted by Iannucci's twitter
  account where he's pleading for people to "stop
  buying this, a bag of me." , reviews include,
  "My life has been empty and without meaning
  since Sarah left me and took the kids with her"
  and "I carried this bag through the streets of
  Glasgow and was immediately attacked."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0055RX2J4/b3ta-21


  * £327,342.00 WRISTWATCH - reviews include:
  "Very faulty product. I have bought four of
  them" and "I have just purchased one of these
  fine watches for my basset hound's 2nd
  birthday."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006H4L6GU/b3ta-21


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The Great Outdoors

  We wanted your stories of camping, glamping and
  intestinal cramping:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thegreatoutdoors/

  * CHINOS - "Last year we went camping with a
  few other families for the August Bank Holiday.
  I'd purchased some wonderfully bright cream
  chinos especially for the event. The tent went
  up a treat, the campfire was roaring and the
  lukewarm beer was flowing. The chinos looked
  just the part. A few beers later and I felt
  what I thought would be a rather audible botty
  cough coming. Hoping for a fantastic humourous
  effect, I offered my finger to my fellow
  campers to pull, whereupon I squeezed with all
  my might to get the best sound. But rather than
  the sound of ripped curtains, I, and all the
  other campers, just heard a dull squelch. Then
  silence. I had just followed through into a
  pair of unblemished cream chinos. I was hoping
  that it wouldn't show, but I was sadly
  mistaken. It left an almighty mess. Emptying
  out your own mess from your own chinos into a
  portaloo at 1am isn't much fun. The next day
  the in-laws came to visit, which was very nice,
  but, as she left, the mother-in- law asked if
  there was any washing we wanted doing and
  without thinking my wife passed over the
  carrier bag containing my shit-stained-chinos.
  Gawd bless her, she washed them and never
  mentioned it. I supposed it will teach me for
  thinking Cream Chinos are in any way
  acceptable." (Wildyles)
  

  * SEAGULL - "Some friends had been invited to a
  stag do down on the beach near Brighton. The
  idea was to spend the day fishing, cook what
  they caught over a fire, then spend the rest of
  the evening getting trollied by the sea. So six
  or seven of begin casting out lines. One lad -
  let's call him John - was opposed to the idea
  of fishing, or any bloodsport, as he put it.
  After a few words about joining in, and doing
  it for the groom, he eventually picked up a
  rod. First cast, the weight and bait fly
  through the air, wrap around a passing seagull
  and plummets into the sea. "Shit! shit!" shouts
  John, the line spinning off the reel as the
  seagull splashes down. Another seagull flies
  down beside the thrashing seagull, calling out
  for his mate... "Squawk, Squawk!!!" John was in
  a panic, he didn't even want to fish, let alone
  drown a bird. "Cut the line!" shouts another
  lad, thinking that, if you released the tension
  on the line, it would untangle the bird. Ping!
  And with that, the seagull drops below the
  surface, the splashing stops and all that is
  left is some bubbles and a rather confused
  seagull wondering where its mate has gone. John
  never fished again." (Dan dan dan)
	 

  * CUB POO - "First ever Cub Scout camp as a 7
  year old, holed up in a large tent with about
  10 other kids. Middle of the night I needed to
  pee so bad so I crept out of the tent and
  headed down to the festival style portaloo
  only to find another of my fellow campers
  cowering in the confines of the loo holding his
  undies in one hand and completely covered in
  shit. And I really mean COVERED in shit. It was
  even on the walls. And the smell. Oh the smell
  just almost made me puke. We looked at each
  other and he said in a small quiet voice,
  "Help." Without a word, 7 year old me slowly
  closed the door and crept back to the tent and
  waited until morning, holding my almost
  bursting bladder. Never saw the shit-covered
  kid again." (technocore)


  >> This Week - Terrified! <<
  What's the most scared you've ever been? How
  brown were your pants? Wimper here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/terrified/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  >> Horse / Cops / Horse penis <<
  When N.W.A wrote 'Fuck tha Police' little did
  Eazy E know that 25 years later a horse would
  do just that. Some crazy muthafucka called
  Sugar Cube. (And Dr Neigh).
http://bit.ly/HNYjec

  
  >> Satirical maps 1791-1899 <<
  Peculiar old spoof maps - exciting to see an
  early appearance of Gordon Brown as 14th
  century Scotland... 
http://www.retronaut.co/2012/04/satirical-maps-1791-1899/


  >> Google maps the wind <<
  Beautiful, hypnotic, but we were disappointed
  to learn that Chicago isn't really as windy as
  we were led to believe.
http://hint.fm/wind


  >> Beards from below <<
  Facial hair is extremely weird, as this site
  aims to prove, with extensive photographic
  evidence. Beardless ladies, don't feel left out
  - make your own website, with low-angle
  pictures of your pubes.
http://beardsfrombelow.org


  >> Lovecraft/Pythonesque vintage animated gifs <<
  Does what it says on the tin. Then the tin
  opens an awful, colossal eye and the universe
  collapses in darkness forwever.
http://fluxmachine.tumblr.com/


  >> Planes 'landing on the beach' <<
  Someone built a major airport next to a beach,
  then put a photographer on that beach and the
  result is some spectacular picture-making.
http://www.josefhoflehner.com/jetairliner.html

 
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Cyber Beadle presents 'You've Been Famed'

  * DALEK RELAXATION TAPE - Peter Serafinowicz
  does a lovely little gag here. BTW: Google
  'Dalek Voice Tutorial' and download Audacity.
  That's your afternoon wasted making shitty
  dalek voices going, "BALLY HECK! WE'RE ALL IN
  THIS TOGETHER."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dalek_Relaxation_Tape


  * SKATE 3 BUGS - watching 8 minutes of bugs in
  a computer game doesn't sound promising but it's
  the funniest thing we've seen this week.
  There's a whole scene of people recording
  amusing gaming bugs on YouTube - our other
  favourite is the Tiger Woods golfs on water
  like Jesus.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Skate_3_Lots_of_bugs


  * GWEN STEFANI'S SHIT - Adam Buxton goes
  topical with his take on Hollaback Girl. It's
  actually very amusing and frightening to think
  this song was from 8 years ago. Gwen is now
  the mum to Zuma Nesta Rock - which sounds like
  something thought up by the Microsoft
  marketing department but nope, it's the name
  of a real little boy that's utterly
  incompatible with Windows 95.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Gwen_Stefanis_shit

  
  * FAMOUS MOVIE SCENES WITH CATS - bits of
  Hollywood mashed up with cats. Joyful.
  Jollywood in fact.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Famous_movie_scenes_with_cats


  * HITCHCOCK'S "REAR WINDOW" AS A TIME LAPSE -
  possibly the most extraordinary bit of editing
  you'll see for a bit.
http://bit.ly/HrYDlt


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Triple nipple of rude nomenclature 

  * ASA UPHOLDS COMPLAINT AGAINST SOFA KING -
  apparently taglines like "Where the Prices are
  Sofa King Low!"  could "be interpreted as a
  derivative of the swear word 'fuck'"
http://bit.ly/xqU4F8


  * JEFF GAYLORD IN ZUBAZ PANTS - a double win
  here.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Jeff_Gaylord_in_Zubaz_Pants.jpg

  
  * SAY IT OUT LOUD - Roladex writes, "Sorry to
  prolong the agony that is Funny Name Corner,
  but I felt this was too good not to mail in.
  Last name down is funny in the most childish
  way..."
http://www.gplectures.co.uk/video/24/


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: DAILY MAIL SECTION
  There's a Daily Mail section now? Good grief!

  * HOW THE DAILY MAIL CONQUERED ENGLAND - a long
  but interesting read from the New Yorker. Stick
  on your magic reading device via one of those
  'read later' links. You'll thank us.
http://nyr.kr/GJrldB

  * HOW TO STOP THE DAILY MAIL - our advice on
  using a DNS block to stop this shit entering
  your home or office.
http://bit.ly/HhGOFL

  * OR IF YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW YOUR ENEMY -
  now that ItsyOtsy is dead the DailyVeil is a
  workable replacement.
http://www.dailyveil.co.uk/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  More B3tans doing great stuff

  >> I hate DLC <<
  "Remember when you just bought a game and that
  was it?" moans Dan Bull, who hates downloadable
  content for computer games. It is indeed death
  by a thousand bee-stings. "The video features
  the wonderful Steven 'Boogie' Williams."
http://bit.ly/I4C9qG


  >> Branches <<
  "This video uses annotations to let you follow
  various branching plots," explains Weebl. Lots
  of cute gags hidden away - see if you can catch
  them all.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Branches


  >> Paper plane from the 18th floor <<
  Sipowicz was bored and in a tower in Mumbai, so
  "I threw a paper plane - it goes quite far
  too." Starts off a little meh, but the midpoint
  twist is worth sticking around for.
http://bit.ly/Hjz5DV


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Extreme Spots for Kids' Toys Challenge Results

  This week we're going to liven up the choices
  with facts cribbed from Wikipedia. Hey, it's
  like we're real journalists!
 
  * BAGPUSS FREE-FALL PARACHUTE JUMP - Professor
  Yaffle was based on the philosopher Bertrand
  Russell who once said: "No one can sit at the
  bedside of a dying child and still believe in
  God." (herman:D)
http://b3ta.com/board/10731807

  * PINOCCHIO WATER SKI - In the original version
  of Pinocchio the titular character doesn't
  become a real boy but is gruesomely hanged for
  his faults, the book being an allegory about
  social advancement.  (mcmike)
http://b3ta.com/board/10734525
  
  * SMURF HOOPLA - "The Smurfs' community
  generally takes the form of a cooperative,
  sharing, and kind environment based on the
  principle that each Smurf has something he or
  she is good at, and thus contributes it to
  Smurf society as he or she can. In return, each
  Smurf appears to be given their necessities of
  life, from housing and clothes to food without
  using any money in exchange." Basically Smurfs
  are anarchists, in the proper political meaning
  of the word rather than the propagandist
  version. (chumpers's cat)
http://b3ta.com/board/10730528
   
  And the American right complain there's liberal
  bias in kids stories. Yes, because most
  fascists are busy being fascists and not
  writing kids books.


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/extreme/popular/


  >> New challenge: Skeletons <<
  This week's one-word challenge is Skeletons.
  Show us your calcium enriched structural
  goodness. Challenge suggested by Bourbon Fox.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/Skeletons/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.
  
  * CASH CONVERTERS / CAT CONVERTERS PARODY LEGAL
  ROW - blimey this company sounds a bit
  humourless.
http://b3ta.com/board/10730868


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PARANOID SCI-FI THRILLER OR GENUINELY MOOTED
  GOV POLICY QUIZ - Can you spot the difference
  between ideas in 1984 / Fahrenheit 451 / The
  Minority Report and the current direction of
  most western government?
    
  * PEOPLE I GET CONFUSED QUIZ - which one is
  Mark Thomas and which one is Mark Steel? Which
  one is Naomi Klein and which one is Naomi Wolf?
  Which one is Spike Lee & which one is Spike
  Jonze? Basically we're saying people with
  similar jobs & same first names confuses the
  fuck out of us. Possibly you too.
  
  * CUNTDOWN - a version of Count Down where all
  the anagrams are swears.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Funholes:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Bumholes:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the wub
  @unluckydip, horace wimp, writebac, Zuowan,
  @mcala, szmytke, writebac, dirtyscarab,
  EnglandGav, Mehitabel_Itrang Extinct Jesus
  Dossier, TheTrampSurveyor, Herb Alpert's Taxi
  Driver, sinisterduck, Uncle Grumpy &
  mortonvillafarm. Image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Toptips via
  TownsendsPublisher. When our children ask,
  "what was the internet like when you were young
  dad?" Slow, we'll reply, but you didn't go to
  jail for lookcrime. Subjlols via Mushroom.

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  TOP TIP:
  Give prisoners being transported the gift of
  hope by driving really erratically around
  prison vans.

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