we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "NEWSLETTER MINIMUM CHARGE LAW SHOCK: 40P PER KITTEN UNIT"

next issue »
« previous issue

"NEWSLETTER MINIMUM CHARGE LAW SHOCK: 40P PER KITTEN UNIT"
This Week:
* DOORS! - How fucking good are they?
* 8BIT GAMING - Probably shit but fun to look at
* MATTRESSES - Celebrity lookalikes

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're saving the  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     web by pressing
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|         CRTL +S"

B3ta email 521  - 23 MAR 2012

Print this issue out & wear it as a hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue521 

   Cuddles :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Uncuddles : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: ZOMBIE SHOPPING MALL - £119 (Sponsored link)
  Shoot Zombies in abandoned shopping centre!

  An abandoned shopping centre is due for
  demolition. Wish.co.uk have come up with an
  idea of utter genius: use it to spend the day
  shooting zombies.

  This is probably the bestest idea anyone has
  chosen to advertise in the B3ta newsletter
  ever.

  Simon Pegg says: "Oh hell yes!!! If you can get
  there, get some!"
http://wish.co.uk/zombie-shopping-mall/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Stuff, things, smells

  >> Doors doors doors <<
  "Hi, I am Mike Fordham," writes Mike Fordham.
  "I make the music videos with Kunt & the Gang
  and I've just made a new vid with
  singer/songwriter/comedian/curly-haired Elliot
  Mason for a track called 'Doors'." Needless to
  say, we... a-door it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LohoUFGCJ8g


  >> Happy-Go-Lucky Johnny <<
  "We came up with an idea that we couldn't do in
  live action," informs Ornsack. "So we ended up
  making our first ever 2D animated short! NSFW
  due to k00l swear words and RAD graphic
  violence." Johnny, the happy-go-lucky knife.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Happy_Go_Lucky_Johnny


  >> Autoglass chip <<
  "I've been playing around with Gavin,"
  confesses kfk, about what is possibly some sort
  of Autoglass viral but is definitely a
  dad-worthy groaner of a gag.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Autoglass


  >> Clothes Shopping <<
  "My take on fashion, yeah?" Sheep always
  marches to the beat of his own drum.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Clothes_Shopping


  >> Chainsaw Babe <<
  "Here's my latest piece of clay," growls a
  blood-spattered Lee Hardcastle. This chunky
  lump of stop-motion ultraviolence actually
  turned our stomachs, which can only a good
  thing. The one thing Lee has held back on is
  nudity, in an attempt to chase that SFW
  certificate. But, "if you want to see clay tits
  & minge then for $1.99 it is yours."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/CHAINSAW_BABE


-------------------------------------------------

: JACKPOT PARTY (sponsored link)
  Fruit Machines have just got "social"

  You've played fruit machines - they normally
  spin round with a load of silly bells and
  lemons and stuff that means jack shit to no
  one. So imagine if instead it was your
  friend's faces from Facebook spinning around
  whilst you tried to match Likes, Locations,
  Star Signs etc with them? And you could find
  out what sordid things you both like at the
  end? And it was free? You'd want to play some
  of that now, wouldn't you?
http://JackpotParty.com/FriendSlot


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Training Courses

  Your QOTW editor once had to train an England
  Rugby player to use a computer. I'll never forget
  the look of glazed panic in his eyes:
http://b3ta.com/questions/trainingcourses/

  * PERSONAL SPACE INVADERS - "Forget 'Buzzword
  bingo' - some colleagues and I play 'Personal
  space invaders' When there's the obligatory
  socialising/getting to know fellow attendees
  bollocks try this: Pick a target or goal (a
  doorway, particular table or whatever) Each
  player must then pick a fellow attendee to use
  as a 'puck'. You then engage your puck in
  conversation whilst subtly invading their
  personal space in order to manoeuvre them into
  the goal. This is harder than it sounds, but
  the real skill is to keep up a conversation
  despite their discomfort. Once the goal is
  reached the winning player must pull their top
  over their face and run around waving their
  arms and yelling 'GOOOOOALL' in a Brazilian
  commentator styleee. The most difficult pucks
  in my experience have been women and gay men
  who think I'm coming on to them. I have,
  *ahem*, been propositioned by more than one
  lady whilst playing, though..." (Captain Placid)
	 
  * FOAM - "I was selected for a leadership
  course in the RAF: a series of retarded
  team-building exercises. One involved placing a
  large number of small foam cylinders on the
  classroom floor and guiding a blindfolded
  team-mate through this foamy minefield.
  Because, obviously, matters of national
  security require the same leadership qualities
  as the Crystal Maze. The instructor, a
  naturally boring man with a small, untidy
  moustache and a savage overbite, left the room
  with the people who were to be blindfolded.
  Whereupon I put my leadership skills to work: I
  outlined my proposed pattern, considered advice
  from my fellow cylinder plonkers and set my
  team to work. After five minutes or so, the
  instructor returned to six giggling adults and
  a crudely drawn foam penis, complete with
  scrotum, spanning the entire length of his
  particularly large classroom." (Chocolate
  Hostage)

  * LATE - "About 90 of us, packed in to an
  auditorium. About 25 mins into a session about
  fire drills, a door opened and someone walked
  in, obviously late, panting, clasping a few
  documents. Everyone is aware of him as he
  stands at the front, looking up to find a seat.
  He notices a seat right in the middle. "Excuse
  me," he says to the man on the end of the row
  to let him past. Everyone is aware of him, he
  is making lots of noise. People have to stand
  up to let him past. "Excuse me... pardon...
  sorry... excuse me..." People are having to
  gather their things so they can stand up to let
  him past. Finally, he reaches his seat, takes
  his coat off and sits down as, to the second,
  the video comes to an end, and everyone gets up
  and leaves." (Dan dan dan)
	 

  >> This Week - My First Internets <<
  Do you remember having to send email by knitting
  individual zeroes and ones from your own beard
  hairs? Tell us of your first internet experiences:
http://b3ta.com/questions/internethistory/


-------------------------------------------------

:  CAPITAL BY JOHN LANCHESTER BOOK WINNERS
   Compo give-away results from last week

   Last week we asked you what would your life be
   like in 10 years? Signed books winging their
   way to Fr_Jerry_Mcwler, FBman, joefishEnzyme &
   monkeon.

   If you want to know what JOHN LANCHESTER
   thinks your life will be like in 10 years then
   sign up to the Pepys Rd site. You'll get 1
   email a day for 10 days predicting 2002, 2003
   etc. One lovely detail we found fascinating is
   that it shows you whether you've come up in
   the world or sunk via your postcode related to
   average house price.
http://www.pepysrd.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> East Berlin's dinosaur graveyard <<
  Moody pics of an abandoned former Communist
  amusement park. We could not get tired of
  looking at those dinosaurs, slowly falling to
  pieces and tipped on their backs by German
  drunks.
http://bit.ly/wCcgAp


  >> Sir Ian Bowler's £10 manifesto <<
  As "the only openly corrupt politician" in the
  mayoral race, Sir Ian is offering the public a
  chance to dictate his manifesto pledges in
  return for a donation to his election campaign.
  It's already become a rather baroque read.
http://ebowler.co.uk/about/


  >> How to program your 808 drum machine <<
  Starkly beautiful posters, showing you how to
  reproduce classic pieces of electronic drum
  wizardry.
http://www.robricketts.co.uk/808.html


  >> Star Trek 90s fashion <<
  Super-nerdy analysis of Star Trek: The Next
  Generation from a fashion perspective. That
  show really has seen some fashion crimes.
  Which are currently being worn around
  Dalston, ofc.
http://sttngfashion.tumblr.com/


  >> Celebs who look like mattresses <<
  Inspired bit of observation from London's
  capital of abandoned bedding.
http://on.fb.me/Gzwm8T


  >> The Free Universal Construction Kit <<
  Want to build something out of half-Lego and
  half-K'nex? Well now you can! Genuinely and
  amazing thing - a set of adaptors that turn all
  of your children's 'build stuff' toys into one,
  giant construction set.
http://fffff.at/free-universal-construction-kit/


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TAN BOOKS AND MUSIC
  Available via Amazon loaddowns 

  Now that product means downloads, e-books and
  MP3s rather than having to ship a load of paper
  and plastic back from China there's been a
  creative explosion in B3tans making stuff for
  sale. Three of the best this week:

  * HOW TO HAVE CREATIVE IDEAS - Dave Birss has
  written a book about how to brainstorm. It's
  short and readable and its main point is that
  you need to bash rocks together and see what
  comes up. Eg. if you're stuck, imagine how
  would Sarah Silvermann solve it? What would
  Bono do? Our favourite trick is going for a
  walk and looking at everything we see, be it
  advertising or people's shoes. The random
  stimulus always helps us.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00769KB5W/b3ta-21

  
  * DAN BULL'S NEW ALBUM - Dan AKA B3tan
  Housewife is seldom out of our newsletter with
  his rapping ways. His album is brilliant and
  we'd advise you to buy the MP3 version as he's
  only made 1 copy of the CD flogging that for £1
  million. He should sell two copies, then he's
  make £2 million - the silly eeejit.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006GYFQBM/b3ta-21


  * A BOOK FOR PRETEENS - DFLamont has written a
  "fun adventure for kids aged 8-13". It's dirt
  cheap too - £1.53 - worth a punt for your
  kindle-owning children.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0078OR89C/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Philo Farnsworth 2.0 is watching YOU!

  >> Vortex Cannon <<
  Step 1: Cut a hole in a box. Step 2: Put some
  smoke in the box. You just made yourself a
  full-on Vortex Cannon! Obliterate your foes!
  *If your foes are plastic cups.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4b2SV3ASUxY


  >> "London's tempo is 122.86bpm" <<
  Talking Heads frontman David Byrne wanders
  round London with a tape recorder, producing a
  vid that resembles a cockney The Shining. We
  love this idea - hope it inspires Kunt to go
  out recording tramps swearing, drunks pissing
  etc.
http://bit.ly/GHXP7z


  >> Geometric Porn App Preview <<
  Sadly, the Geometric Porn app has been rejected
  by the stuffed shirts at Apple, who are too
  aroused by tumescent pink squares, circles and
  well-endowed rectangles.
http://vimeo.com/38240759


  >> Controlled Quantum Wipe'Out Track <<
  Was it only last year we were all excited about
  controlled quantum levitation? Now here's the
  first real world application - making classic
  race game Wipe'Out in real life. Well, it's
  models but it might as well be real life. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zqmdv5iyIOY


  >> Celebrities read tweets about themselves <<
  Ever wonder if that Tweet you sent really
  wounded Will Ferrell? All is revealed.
http://youtu.be/RRBoPveyETc


  >> Three-Way: The Golden Rule <<
  Another Lonely Island/Timberlake R&B team-up.
  There's simply nothing gay about two male
  friends sharing the same girl. Also starring
  Lady Gaga. 
http://youtu.be/Pi7gwX7rjOw 


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Redefining "funny" as "shit" since 1973 

  * GAYLORD SILLY -  French-Seychellois long
  distance runner, so don't think you can make
  fun of him and run off, he'll catch you. And
  shout at you in French.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaylord_Silly


  * DICKSON POON SCHOOL OF LAW - so know you know
  what lawyers who've just had a tax cut will be
  spending their money on.
http://www.kcl.ac.uk/law/index.aspx


  * DOMAIN NAME OF THE WEEK - mysticegg writes, "
  Domain name is brutally honest, but all is not
  as it seems!"
http://www.feeduscrap.com


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  8bit Mad Men
  
  8-bit has become shorthand for old-fashioned
  computer games - whereas, to our eyes, this is
  closest to the Sierra On-Line stuff like
  Leisure Suit Larry and Space Quest, which we
  remember playing on a distinctly more than
  8-bit EGA PC. Anyway - loving work despite our
  pedantry.
http://bit.ly/GIkioo


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH REDUX
  Last week's no-show gerbils at last!
 
  Vampyre_gem writes, "Oh dear, what a dickhead I
  am. I sent in a link (well, tried to) with some
  shots of our 'disabled' gerbil (as you so
  eloquently put it). I really hope that the
  shots don't disappoint anyone now."
http://www.fotoblur.com/images/380269


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Beasts Of War Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
Beasts of War.

Your favourites included:

* DENCH: Bond thwarts the Russians armed 
  with no more than a Walther PPK and a 
  non-arthropod invertebrate (Ian Woosnam) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10719861

* HOMEBASE: DIY pigeons, attack attack 
  attack (Ian Woosnam, again)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10718945

* EXPLOSION: terrifyingly armoured elephant
  takes on the enemy (smearballs) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10721747

  All these images, and the highest as 
  voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/warbeasts/


  >> New challenge: Trademarks <<
  Hollywood bigwigs are making The Hobbit 
  pub in Southampton change its name, in 
  case people think Peter Jackson is 
  running it. So this week's challenge is 
  to infringe a trademark satirically, 
  through the medium of photoshop. 
  Challenge suggested by benito vaselini
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/trademarks/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY EMAIL OF THE WEEK -
  nickbeddows writes, "I got a leaflet through
  the door yesterday, with a photo of a cat on
  it. The flyer said, 'Help, I'm Sophie and I may
  be trapped in your garage or outbuilding.
  Please check and call Margaret on 07770 xxx xxx
  if you see me' Awww, a poor lil puddy
  tat... Then I thought, hang on, if it can read,
  write, type, has a PA, a mobile phone and can
  operate a colour printer, it can find its own
  way out of a bloody garage."

  * I'VE MET MR MINGE! - Anon writes, "Now,
  working in the oil and gas industry for nearly
  20 years I've actually met Mr Minge. He
  pronounces his surname as Min-Jay rather than
  the normal minge. A few years ago he was
  appointed as the big boss man of a certain
  business unit in the north sea for BP. On an
  offshore visit to one of the installations he
  wanted to enter a confined space work area to
  see what was going on. I won't bore you with
  the details of the near-Naziesque safety regime
  offshore but one of the requirements for this
  is to register your entry into the space with a
  sentry. This day the sentry was one of your
  salt of the earth North east/south shields
  tells it like he sees it guys. So, the big
  boss, surrounded by a nervous bunch of
  management and hangers on gives his name. Spell
  it, says the sentry. M-I-N-G-E says the boss.
  'What!' says the sentry, 'Fucking Minge? You're
  fucking joking ain't ye?' Cue red faces amongst
  the management and complete bewilderment from
  the man. Mind you, this is also a guy who, when
  first being appointed as the manager of the
  unit, introduced himself to the assembled
  masses by saying, and I quote, 'as I was saying
  to my mother whilst in the hot tub the other
  day...'"
  

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MAKE A QR CODE - that links to Goatse - print
  it on a sticker - then stick it on every advert
  poster in the world.

  * FACEBOOK EGOMANIA - A browser app that
  replaces every FB post with "LOOK AT ME!" Font
  size determined by frequency of posts. (via
  @Sigmaus)

  * TOAST THAT STAYS HOT - all the way to the
  bottom of the cup.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Cyber chums:    b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Utter cunts:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @Matt_Muir,
  will.vickers, @shitoptimist, @edwardrussia,
  @Lee_Nolan, Pauljmoorhouse, billyh, @fredgruff,
  @TomWhitwell, @thesaharadesert, Palookaville.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Tips via robneymcplum.
  Subjlols via 

-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Scare people by buying a few bunches of cheap
  flowers, leaving them near a tree on a popular
  country path with cards saying 'I hope they
  catch the THING that did this to you' and '4eva
  in are hartz' etc...

next issue »
« previous issue