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NEWSLETTER: "TESCO: WORK SETS YOU FREE"

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This Week:
* KITTEN FIGHT - Man battles tiny cat
* CASSETTEBOY - Takes on the news
* CRAZY SHIT - being sold by Amazon now

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Happy Birthday Steve     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   Jobs. Steve? Steve?
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    You OK Steve? Oh."

B3ta email 517 - 24 Feb 2012

Read this issue on your Barclays Pin-Sentry:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue517/

   New friends:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Dead to us: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Free £25 football bet. You literally can't lose  

  Betfair are offering you the chance to bet
  risk free on Sunday’s north London derby at
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  Place a minimum £25 or more on the game and
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http://bit.ly/waZ4EC

  *For terms check out http://bit.ly/sUl2Hb
  
  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Vegetables, Trailers, News, Kittens and Judo
  
  >> Vegetables <<
  Singing vegetables encourage you to eat more
  vegetables. Uh, what? Cracking tune from
  totally eustus.
http://b3ta.com/links/vegetables


  >> The Artistifier <<
  "Take a YouTube video, make it black & white,
  add an orchestral soundtrack and some captions
  so people know what's going on. What do you
  have? A bloody Oscar winner for sure!" opines
  thegreatalbino. Try it with your own choice;
  Megashark vs. Giant Octopus, Charlie Bit My
  Finger, even Moneyballs.
http://theartistifier.com/view_28
 
  
  >> Cassetteboy vs. The News <<
  "Satires!" crows Cassetteboy. And here they
  are, like watching BBC News after you've had a
  stroke. NSFW.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cassetteboy_vs_The_News

  
  >> Cat Fight <<
  "This has taken me THREE RUDDY MONTHS to make,"
  brags Ornsack,"In what is essentially just a
  video of me and a mate beating up a kitten!"
  Simply put, this is the most ridiculous thing
  we've seen all week. And we've seen some things.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_Fight:3


  >> Judo Casebook <<
  "I've been taking words from Dear Deirdre's
  Photo Casebook and placing them into the
  illustrations of a book called Judo: The
  Practical Way," semi-explains grandpabutton.
  "I've since scoured the charity shops and
  bought other books in the series illustrated by
  the same guy, Yoga: The Happy Way To Live and
  Knitting: Patterns, Stitches and Styles, which
  I'm planning to manipulate somehow too."
http://goo.gl/bWG94


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: ShotDeadintheHead T-shirt compo
  Five Tourettes shirts to win
  
  Shotdead have given us five t-shirts to give
  away to you, oh lucky B3tans, each one
  emblazoned with the slogan, "What do we want?
  A cure for Tourettes. When do we want it?
  Cunt." All you have to do is complete the
  following tiebreaker in 50 words or less, "My
  favourite swearing is..."
http://b3ta.com/board/10701462

  Or just buy the sodding t-shirt.
http://goo.gl/s4y1D


* LAST WEEK'S BRIAN BLESSED T-SHIRT COMPO WINNERS
  Well done to Bourbon Fox, Pobblepop, Gronkpan,
  SauronWibble and Rev. Jayneflakes who've all won
  a shirt. All T-Shirts will be delivered by
  Futumch in a brand-new Ford Tippex. Read all the
  entries or buy the shirt here:
http://b3ta.com/board/10694997


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: LONDON HACK DAY
  This weekend. Join in!

  Cr3 / Paul Curry of B3ta coder fame writes,
  "I'm doing SXSW this year and have got a Hack
  Day organised this weekend. I really need
  help promoting it to tech-savvy Londonites (or
  those nearby) - and b3ta is a very good fit.

  "We've got old-school B3tan Tom Scott helping,
  and Charles & Tom of the Gadget Geeks signed
  up as the judges - it should be really
  interesting for whoever turns up - free beer,
  pizza, lots of ideas, and the promise of
  SXSW/Internet fame for the winner!

  "Is there any chance you could pimp this in
  the newsletter?"

  Oh OK Paul, seeing as we love you in a sinister
  way that only ancient Greeks could understand.
http://www.eventbrite.com/event/2999909811/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Random Acts of Evil

  Last week we asked for acts of pure nastiness.
  Some of you have been utter arses in the past:
http://b3ta.com/questions/randomactsofevil/

  * UNCLE TERRY'S DOOR - "Uncle Terry was a bit
  of a spiv, but he was also an inveterate
  scrounger, which was far worse. Post-war Hull
  was being re-built quickly and cheaply. My
  Grandfather, my Dad and his four brothers were
  in various trades and thus busy on any of the
  hundreds of building sites in the city, and
  were regularly pestered by Uncle Terry. He'd
  invariably be after this or that 'for the
  shed/prefab/pigeon loft.' There were few
  enforcers on these sites so it was easy for
  Terry to sidle up, offer a ciggie and ask for
  something or other... Now, family loyalties
  were strong, so it was hard to say no, but
  Terry took the proverbial, constantly after
  something. His welcome had worn very thin on
  the day he asked George for paint for his
  front door. George disappeared to rootle out a
  tin which was grumpily handed over to a
  'Cheers lad' from Terry. A week passes and
  Terry's back on the hunt again. Another tin of
  paint for the front door. 'But you had a tin
  last week!' 'I know but it weren't any good.
  It went on alright but our Brenda said it made
  the house stink and a load of flies got stuck
  in it before it dried so the door needs doing
  again. And she said she wants it green this
  time, not brown.' George says, 'Shall I not
  shit in this one then?'" (Bergamot B)
	 
  * POWER TRIP - "I was in the 6th form when the
  school went from 13+ to 11+ intake, and the
  new students seemed to be getting a lot of
  money spent on them (they could use the
  school's new Mac network, we had to make do
  with some crappy old RM terminals, that sort
  of thing). Mooching around one lunchtime, and
  a trio of anklebiters go tearing past us. In a
  fit of especially childish pique, I stick out
  my foot to trip the last one to pass. Trip he
  does, followed by a flawless forward roll that
  leads him back to a running finish. Didn't
  even break his stride. My one attempt to bully
  someone for the heinous crime of being smaller
  than myself, and I pick on the boy wonder."
  (monster munch)
	 
  * WE TRIED NOT TO LAUGH - "Dear Dad, when your
  8 y/o daughter has just had major eye surgery
  and will, effectively, be blind for the next 2
  weeks, rearranging her bedroom furniture while
  she's asleep is NOT FUCKING FUNNY" (Smash
  Monkey)


  >> This Week - Corporate Idiocy <<
  Frustrated by company policies that just make
  no sense? Answer these simple security
  questions, and tell us all about it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/corporateidiocy/

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: AMAZON WEIRDNESS CORNER
  Creepy latex masks, fake B3ta book & drugs

  Stock market analysts have been moaning
  about Amazon recently; it's expanded by
  letting in loads of third parties to sell
  stuff via their site, which means the consumer
  can buy pretty much anything but Amazon makes
  less money per sale then something it
  fulfilled itself.

  But hey, we're here for the lols rather than
  share price worries, and this expansion means
  they really do sell crazy crap these days, eg:

  * CREEPY LATEX FEMALE FACE MASKS - basically
  so a man can dress up and pretend to be a
  woman. Whether they then have sex with another
  man and pretend this isn't gay or just wank
  themselves silly we don't know.
http://amzn.to/xJzfNw

  
  * FAKE COMPUTER-GENERATED KINDLE BOOKS - this
  really is a con operated by trawling Wikipedia
  and then compacting various pages into a
  "book". This one, for example, is about B3ta.
  Please don't buy it - and Amazon really should
  kick this stuff off. It genuinely could gouge
  money from the unwary for a heap of shit. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/6132607498/b3ta-21


  * SALVIA DRUGS - a curious one this, utterly
  legal to sell but we wonder if it's a tabloid
  scare waiting to happen. Our drugs correspondent
  Dr Strange wrote to us about it recently,
  "Remember you linked to salvia on Amazon long
  ago? It stopped for a while, but I checked and
  it's back. Completely legal to buy and sell in
  the UK, and many countries. Probably because
  it's too unenjoyable to be a party drug. It's
  not psychedelic, it's a dissociative. Not
  going to say it changed my life, but taking it
  is a significant life experience. The most
  insightful for me was taking it in an ad
  break, my friends just got a massive 42" telly
  and a beauty ad came on. I felt I was in a
  dystopian future where millions around the
  country would stare in silence at this public
  broadcast of commercialism."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001TLIR6I/b3ta-21


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Jazz FM hacked with 'Porn Soundtrack' <<
  Initially we read that as 'Tron soundtrack'
  and, shamefully, we were more excited. Listen
  here, as the station accidentally and
  explicitly broadcasts an adult film soundtrack.
  Very much NSFW unless, obviously, you work at
  Jazz FM.
http://goo.gl/DnGk6


  >> Japanese Fart Scrolls <<
  Japan: giving us weird shit for well over a
  century. Old Japanese art depicting the
  He-Gassen or Battle of Farts. BEHOLD!
http://www.tofugu.com/2012/02/18/japanese-fart-scrolls/


  >> Cartoon characters fucking <<
  Out-of-context frames cut from cartoons where
  it looks like as if the two characters might
  be... you know. Surprisingly explicit.
http://outofcontextanimation.tumblr.com/


  >> "What's the harm?" <<
  Interesting/disturbing site attempting to list
  the cases of all people who have been harmed by
  a lack of critical thinking. You know the
  drill: kid gets sick, family won't seek medical
  treatment, kid dies, we all blame Jesus.
http://whatstheharm.net/


  >> "Pixelfucks" <<
  Hypnogifs to melt your brain. NSFW. Or if
  you're epileptic.
http://pixelfucks.com/


  >> Olde Timey Penis Illustrations <<
  These would be the etchings our neighbour always
  invited us up to see - and we never did. Until
  now. Gah. NSFW, of course.
http://goo.gl/BwkrI


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a toaster that that plays TV but on bread

  >> Ain't Nobody by Chaka Khan <<
  Given the an acoustic treatment by Jon Gomm.
  We enjoyed this so much we bought Jon's album.
  He sent it to us signed "To The Ginger Fuhrer",
  which made us unsure whether he reads B3ta or
  obsessively googles people who buy his music;
  then we found Jon posting on B3ta, having
  opened an account several years ago. Hooray! 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Aint_Nobody_by_Chaka_Khan


  >> Royal tit gawping <<
  Pentti Arajarvi, the husband of Finnish
  President Tarja Halonen, caught perving at
  Princess Mary of Denmark's norks. BTW: If you
  look-up Princess Mary of Denmark on Wiki she's
  the utter spit of Kate Middleton. We reckon
  Foxconn has been manufacturing princesses in
  China or something. PRINCESSES AWAKE. PROCEED
  TO STAGE 2: EAT HEAD OF STATE.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/We_are_NOT_amused


  >> Ad for Australian university <<
  This should be shit but it's not. Which is the
  secret of all advertising. The audience wants
  to hate it and if you bring them round THEY
  FUCKING LOVE YOU.
http://goo.gl/ZS2rf


  >> Napalm Death on kids' TV <<
  The grind-core legends make an appearance on a
  BBC musical education show, back in 1989. Also
  a featuring a young Craig Charles, before he
  lost his looks.
http://goo.gl/PAswu


  >> The Tin Pot Foreign General & the Old Iron Woman <<
  Now the Falklands is back in the news, here's a
  timely post of a reading of Raymond 'Snowman'
  Briggs' book of the Falklands War.
http://goo.gl/cSk5X


  >> South African Shangaan Electro. <<
  Always good to hear music that sounds
  different - the mixture of cheap midi sounds,
  a stupidly fast tempo and badly-recorded
  African singing sounds fresh to us. Apparently
  "the song talks about hardships of life, made
  worse by lack of family."
http://b3ta.com/links/Some_south_african_Shangaan_Electro


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Oh god make it stop  

  Have you poohed your shithole? 
http://bit.ly/Ad2hGu


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: CHORTLE COMEDY AWARDS
  Vote Kunt / Sanderson Jones

  We have to confess some cynicism about online
  awards, they're often run as a cunning ploy to
  increase traffic to a host website, whilst
  turning all the nominees into unpaid advocates
  running around posting on Twitter saying "vote
  for me".

  But hey, two of our favourite B3ta people have
  been hassling us to help promote them and our
  love for them outweighs our spider-sense of
  being a bit manipulated into doing it.

  So remember - vote 'Kunt' for the musical one,
  and vote Sanderson Jones / Comedy Sale for the
  innovation one. Your b3tans need you.
http://bit.ly/yHGkyp


  BTW: Ooh we notice Simon Munnery is up for an
  award. We *heart* Munnery. If we ruled the
  world he'd actually be properly famous and
  anyone who's ever on Mock The Week would be
  fed to crows.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Beards Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SINISTER - magical and peculiar hand-
  grooming animation (keo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10693951

  * HORROR - Hitchcock classic re-imagined with
  Scouse accent (maiden)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10695912

  * BLESSED - terrific live-action pruning of
  giant-voiced actor (rattlehead)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10696991

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/beards/


  >> New challenge: Austerity Britain <<
  This week's challenge is to tighten our belts
  and make austerity version of things we
  already know about. What would Austerity
  Olympics mean? What about Austerity Royal
  family? Recreate Britain on the cheap.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/austerity/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * EMAIL OF THE WEEK - Ola.thorsen writes, "The
  (New Zealand) Wellington Rugby Sevens
  Tournament is basically a huge excuse to get
  on the turps and dress in silly costumes. My
  wife Lisa and her workmate Chantelle attended
  as inbread cats."
http://bit.ly/AEnTk7


    * AUTISM SURVEY / SKEPTICS IN THE PUB -
  Tannice N Pendegrass writes, "I am conducting
  a survey for a talk I am doing on Autism for a
  non-profit organisation known as 'Skeptics in
  the Pub'. My talks will be in March
  (Guildford), May (Hackney) and June
  (Edinburgh) and I'm hoping that I will be able
  to go to other destinations in the country to
  do the talk. As I said, I will not be
  collecting any money for these talks (travel
  expenses only) so I was hoping that I could
  ask your members to complete the survey?"
  Hehe, the idea that B3ta would be a good place
  to run an autism survey? No tittering at the
  back please.
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JGK72CM


  * SILLY SURVEY FINDINGS - yeah? writes, "I posted a
  survey on the /links board, had a great
  response, so I thought I'd share the
  findings." Amusing stuff. Keep at it.
http://modificationsofearlierviews.blogspot.com/


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: BIRTHS, DEATHS & MARRIAGES
  Announced from the 'Newsletter of Record'

  * CONGRATULATIONS to Helmsdeep who's now the
  proud dad of young Barnaby Maximilian. He's
  written about it here. Particularly
  interesting as both parents are deaf and it's
  a unique insight into the differing experience
  of dealing with hospitals using an interpreter. 
http://bit.ly/wJN9Au


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A GUIDE TO THE CHEAPEST COFFEE IN LONDON -
  there's a least £2 in price variation
  between the cheapest and most expensive in the
  same road (near to B3ta HQ).

  * HANGING FOR PEOPLE WHO WRITE MALWARE - we're
  pretty liberal generally but not for the shits
  who write that crap and break websites. GRRR.
  Waste our time will you? You will die.

  * MEAT CAKE - Surely a Victoria Sponge could
  only be improved with lashing of delicious ham.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    YAY:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    NAY:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by WiL,
  barryheadwound, The Mock Turtle. Top Tippery
  by 2 Can Chunder Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Wildyles.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Unpopular male b3tans. Change your username so
  it looks like you're a girl. Suddenly everyone
  will want to talk to you.

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