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NEWSLETTER: "FACEBOOK: YOUR 0898 PARTY LINE RUN BY THE STASI"

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"Facebook: your 0898 party line run by the Stasi"
This Week:
* COOKING - With sexy bananas
* PICS - Animals dressed as other animals
* PORNO - The Musical

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're eating austerity     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    pizza... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       

B3ta email 507 - 2 Dec 2011

Read this issue on your pointless electronic tat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue507/

       Friends:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      Bastards:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Joypad for your phone

  If you play emulators on your smartphone
  you'll know that they are shit for one reason
  - on-screen joypads suck all the joy out of
  playing games and make it feel like your
  fingers are touching death. Help is at hand
  with the wonderful iControlPad - also works
  with iPads, iPhones, Androids and probably
  some other stuff if it's blue and bit toothy. 
http://www.icontrolpad.com/

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making lurve...  

  >> Depressed McLeod Brothers <<
  Those chaps who do the lolly stick animations
  are back but with some lovely hand-drawn stuff,
  fast editing and depressed musings.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fear_of_Flying_Existential_Pleading


  >> Scrambled Edd: News <<
  Scrambled Edd writes, "A short video I made
  with a little vbloggy thing about why the next animation 
  will be delayed and such... enjoy." Blimey. We
  weren't expecting this, good luck Edd.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fan_Service


  >> Misery Bear: The Teddynator <<
  "Stunts, special effects, a car chase, a
  robot, it's our biggest Misery Bear episode
  yet!", writes ratbanjos, "Budget of 250 quid
  and it's ALL on the screen." Gosh - ambitious
  work, although the BBC laughing dog sting
  makes us want to bite our hands off.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Misery_Bear_The_Teddynator


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Devastating Put Downs

  Last week we asked for your finest put-downs.
  The ones you'd actually managed to use at the
  time rather than fancy moments of l'esprit
  d'escalier, that is:
http://b3ta.com/questions/putdowns/


  * BLESSED - "My mate Bob was stood outside a
  London hostelry one evening when who should
  walk by on the other side of the street but the
  legend that is Brian Blessed? Bob, being a bit
  of a lad, shouts "Gordon's Alive!!" at the top of
  his voice, just as Brian disappears around the
  corner - to the amusement of his drinking
  buddies. As the laughter died down, Brian
  re-appeared back around the corner and at the
  top of HIS voice, shouted:
  "CCCCCCUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTT!!!!" (Linbox)
	 
  * NARNIA - "I'm helping a female friend move
  house, and we'd struggled for some time to get
  a large wooden cupboard into the back of the
  van. Finally we'd managed it, and paused for a
  moment, standing in the van next to the
  cupboard, to get our breath back. Now I have
  long hair and a beard; at the time the hair
  was blond and it was not tied up in any way.
  This is relevant, because at that moment a guy
  walks around the corner, clocks us, and with
  divine inspiration blurts out, "Fuck me, it's
  the lion, the witch and the wardrobe!" (moon
  monkey )

  * FLOAT ON - "Out at a posh "do" at a
  restaurant, this woman wouldn't stop talking
  about herself: "me me me... Fabulous frock I
  am wearing... Designer frock, blah blah blah".
  My friend was getting agitated and interrupted
  her with. "I think you would look divine in
  something long and flowing." "Ooh you think
  so?" she replied. "Yeah. The Thames." Some of
  us were in mid sip and spat out our wine from
  trying to stifle our laughs. She had nowhere
  to go. She couldn't move seats and for the
  rest of the dinner she glowered while we tried
  to behave as if nothing had happened, all the
  while stifling our urge to keep bursting out
  laughing." (Flowerpot)


  >> This Week's Question: Conspiracy theories <<
  We'd like you your favourite conspiracy theories.
  The ones so good you almost believe them. Put on 
  your best tinfoil hat and talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/conspiracytheories/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Scary how good photoshopping gets <<
  Click the toggle buttons, go WOW and see for
  yourself how unreal the images used in
  magazines and advertising are. If only you
  could say bye-bye to lard/wrinkles/spots this
  easily.
http://www.cs.dartmouth.edu/farid/downloads/publications/pnas11/


  >> Disgusting banana recipe book <<
  Forget your Nigella, Jamie and Delia dull TV
  spin-offs, this real recipe book from the 70s
  offers such treats as banana sausages and
  banana & fish salad. And a strange phallic
  creation involving a banana, some mayo and a
  maraschino cherry. Nom, nom, double nom.
http://ow.ly/7JZp4


  >> Texts From Bennett <<
  Prolly fake texts, allegedly by a white
  teenage boy from the 'burbs, called Bennett. We
  especially liked "do U know what i gotta do to
  join the illuminati". Respect.
http://bit.ly/tnKURE  
  
  
  >> Pretend you're coding <<
  Go beyond the Matrix and enter the mind of the
  machine with this fake code site. All you need
  is a long, leather coat, an old Nokia phone
  and you'll be almost as cool as Neo.
http://bit.ly/uSfdna 


  >> Googly Eyes <<
  How to give inanimate objects a comic yet
  faintly disturbing appearance. We think they'd
  look good on Nick Clegg.
http://bit.ly/uRgwd5


  >> Revolutionary Art <<
  Today's 'How to Draw' tutorial is the
  wonderful Mr Jeremy Clarkson. We may sneer at
  his shit clothes and bouffant barnet but this
  leathery, old climate change denier surely has
  the last laugh. How many of us can get the PM
  to go on telly and say sorry for us every time
  we make a cock-up?
https://twitpic.com/7lkmzr


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Inter-Species Cross-Dressing
  
  If you wanted an explanation for the decline
  of the US economy look no further - these days
  the Yanks leave all the hard work to the
  Chinese, preferring to spend their time
  dressing pets in silly costumes.
http://animalsdressedasotheranimals.tumblr.com/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like the cinema but without £10 popcorn

  >> Unexpected porno is unexpected <<
  Stick with it... Stick with it... NSFW,
  totally sexist and the bloke is camp as old
  knickers.
http://www.m0ar.org/6346


  >> Old-school circus Well of Death in India <<
  Genuinely impressive driving here - let's put
  Clarky, May & Hammond on this and watch them
  crash to their deaths.
http://youtu.be/E_AqvWKjufM


  >> 100 worst Nazis <<
  We enjoyed the strangely hypnotic video of old
  pics of Nazis - all with incredible
  polysyllabic names - cut to 80s game show
  music. We're pitching this to Channel 4; with
  Jimmy Carr as presenter they just won't be
  able to say no.
http://youtu.be/DDk1zGnEwgE


  >> How to lose $2400 in 24 seconds <<
  What a silly billy!
http://vimeo.com/32936783


  >> Alternative Halfords Christmas advert <<
  Bored of saccharine Christmas advertising
  peddling fake bonhomie in an attempt to push
  you further into debt? Then you'll enjoy this.
http://goo.gl/FHbs6


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Two cocks for the price of one minge

  * WAITROSE PENIS - Oh my golly gosh, there's a
  bell-end in the lah-di-dah Waitrose mag.
https://twitter.com/AldGra/status/142236539030732800/photo/1

  * SPOTIFY SPAM - We liked this playlist that
  encourages you to send your money to a
  mysterious Nigerian gentleman. Clever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Well_played_spotify


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Spoons Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to fuck with spoons.
  Literally. But you refused and made some
  photoshops instead.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * BOOM - spoon flick creates mighty explosion
  (patella)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10615646

  * TREK - to boldly go where no cutlery has
  been before (Captian Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10613745

  * ALIEN - more space action, this time of the
  terrifying type (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10612941

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spoons/


  >> New challenge: Acronyms <<
  This week's challenge is to wilfully
  misinterpret acronyms: make your mark on the
  English language by making up new meanings for
  old ones, or come up with new, fiendishly
  clever examples. The world will thank you.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/new-acronyms/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories

  * ALBUMHOLE 2 - DaveExclamationMark writes,
  "The biggest bumhole yet! After a far, far too
  of a long wait. I finally present to you lot
  Albumhole 2: The Widening. A collection of
  over over 40 b3tans (And a few non-b3tans)
  tracks compiled by me for absolutely free!
  Everything from ambient folk to speedcore
  Drum & bass!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/710620


  * 'WAR ON TERROR BOARD GAME' PEOPLE WRITE, "We
  were meant to be in the Observer gift guide
  this weekend, but they unceremoniously ditched
  us, so now we have to do our own damn
  advertising and I spent Sunday putting this
  bastard up."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/712153


  * SCAT FOLLOW-UPS - mbourton writes, "Nope,
  it's not just the Spaniards that have a poop
  fixation. Skat is the Danish tax service. Skat
  is also used to refer to one's 'honey' or loved
  one. You often hear Danes talk about how much
  they miss their skat."
http://www.skat.dk 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * INTERESTING BREAD - Is it possible to make
  dough with flour and a yeast infection? We're
  asking because those 7g packets of dried yeast
  aren't cheap.

  * SPIDER FILTER! - Swapping the word 'markets'
  with 'spiders' is good. "George Osborne moves to
  reassure spiders" "Dollar up as spiders react
  to election result&#8206;". 

  * UNPHOTOSHOP FILTER - a magic pair of glasses
  that let you walk around and see all
  advertising and media before it was cleaned up
  by photoshopping. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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: THANKS:
  This issue was written by The Lizard with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  sinisterduck, @qwghlm, @Duncansimple,
  @keasbycat, RBF esquire, @DFLamont,
  @whiteleyjon, @dmcplum, @TomDavenport,
  mr.dogshit, @AldGra, @maffrj. 
  Top Tippery by 2 can chunder. 
  Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

  
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: TOP TIP:
  Women who want penises: Attach your vagina to
  a high-power vacuum cleaner overnight. By the
  morning it should have inverted and grown to
  the size of a normal penis.


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: MEDIA WE'VE BEEN ENJOYING THIS WEEK:

  Spent the last few weeks googling 1970s western
  terrorism groups such as The Angry Brigade
  (ooh, one of them is a local councillor),
  Symbionese Liberation Army (kidnapped the
  daughter of a media baron and demanded a
  ransom of food for the poor) and, of course, the
  Baader-Meinhof Group (inspired a rather odd
  album by Luke Heines).

  Of course, as this is a visual culture you'll
  want to watch the film - the wonderful 2008
  movie, The Baader Meinhof Complex. Go on, you
  want to watch films in German. You loved Das
  Boot and Downfall, didn't you? Interestingly
  enough it was directed by Uli Edel who also
  did the early 80s heroin flick Christiane F,
  which possibly inspired Kate Moss's look:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001LM6WZ8/b3ta-21

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