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NEWSLETTER: "B3TA - NOT ASKED TO RUN 'CHILDREN IN NEED' SITE FOR 10 YEARS RUNNING"

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This Week:
* SONG - Santa's laughter mocks the poor
* QUIZ - Monkeon's Movie/Book quiz
* LOOPS - How to loop YouTube videos

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "Sticking tin foil     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      hats on kittens
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|        since 1978"

B3ta email 505 - 18 Nov 2011

Edit this newsletter with wordpad.exe
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue505/

       Kittens:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Shittens:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Brian Blessed Alarm Clock App
  
  Fed up with waking up in the morning feeling
  grumpy and uninspired? Does your iPhone, iPod
  or iPad lack bearded actors and/or
  adventurers? You need the Official Brian
  Blessed iPhone Alarm Clock. Out today in the
  App Store.
http://bit.ly/szUDZ1


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then speak at us with your
  email fingers.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than makin' whoopie

  >> Santa's laughter mocks the poor <<
  Christmas comes but once a year (although the
  evil gnomes at Toys'r'us are currently
  lobbying government for an additional summer
  Christmas - Sunmas), and as we're pointing out
  - it's about cash. Sucking your money to buy
  tat built in China for the kids. This year
  we're giving the children a PDF copy of Das
  Kapital that they can print out themselves. In
  the original German. Similar anti-Christmas
  sentiments also available from theatterysquash
  who writes, "With this week's news of
  recession, unemployment and fiscal misery,
  what better way to acknowledge the fact that
  *everybody* is now dreading Xmas than
  with a puppety pop song...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifP_0RN0JTk


  >> Monkeon's Book quiz <<
  Clever Monkeon has observed that books often
  get new covers when they're changed into films
  - but can you guess what book is what film
  from the original cover art? More films that
  you probably imagine started as books.
  Including Spunky Nurses 5.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/bookmovies/


  >> What Modern Toss did next... <<
  "Hi B3ta", writes Jon Link of Modern Toss
  fame, "Hope you're well, here's a link to some
  new animation we've just done, 'Business
  Mouse' Any chance you could put it up on
  b3ta?" Oh go on then, seeing as it's some kind
  of mouse based satire on neoliberalist hegemony.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hr3eT3kZz4A



  >> Minecraft Rap <<
  "I made a rap song about Minecraft", writes
  Dan Bull, "Can you spot the B3ta easter egg?
  It's quite obvious..." Amusing song, but we've
  never got round to playing Minecraft as it's
  not available for iOS. *Googles* oh, it is,
  that's us fucked for ever working or speaking
  to our family or friends ever again.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_made_a_rap_song_about_Minecraft


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: SPONSORED LINK
  Bored of Turkey? 60 Gourmet Recipes,
    no Turkeys, promise
 
  Ah Xmas Food. Heston's making pine needle
  mince pies. Fortunately Jamie's split up with
  Sainsbury's, so no more feeding shopping
  centres in Middle England. Instead feast your
  eyes, your brain & above all your belly on
  Great British Chefs new Feastive App.  It's
  only two quid & we'll even chuck in an extra
  45 recipes on 1st Dec. Call it an early Crimbo
  pressie.
http://togbc.com/mRUMLk


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Money saving tips

  As the economy has never been better and we're
  all shitting cash on easy street we're asking
  for your tips on how to save your money for a
  rainy day. You never know, this boom might not
  last.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/savingmoney/

  * SAVE THE COST OF THE DAILY MAIL - by finding
  the angriest tramp you can and asking them
  what they think of the darkies. (apeloverage)

  * SAVE MONEY ON EXPENSIVE BATTERIES - only put
  them in clocks when you need to know the time. 
  (ya_what?)

  * WHEN FEEDING DUCKS IN THE PARK - soak your
  bread in Rohypnol. That way you get a free
  dinner, and you can do what you like to it
  before you pluck it. (edjogs)
  
  
  >> This Week: Amazing Projects <<
  We here at B3ta love it when a plan comes
  together. Tell us about incredible projects
  and stuff you've built by your own hand. Go
  on, gloat away. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/amazingprojects/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * WRITE 100 WORDS AND GET A KITTEN - oddly
  thoughtful bit of dare we say it web art. What
  are you going to type for 100 words? Your
  deepest feelings? Or just asddffg x 100?
http://writtenkitten.net/ 


  * GOOGLE DOODLE TROLLING - you know how Google
  changes their logo every-so-often to pretend
  they're not evil? Why not send in your own?
http://milkfordeadhamsters.com/blog/google-doodle


  * WEIRD NSFW ART - collection of animated gifs
  and web efemera that's a bit like a collective
  experience of the internet. All OMG LOOK AT
  THIS and no narrative or context. 
http://blackbootybitches.tumblr.com/


  * BEST FREEDOM OF INFORMATION REQUEST EVER -
  detailing a sign put up in a university
  complaining about the students wanking.
http://bit.ly/vj2O3a


  * NOW AND THEN PHOTOS - the meme of recreating
  old photos continues with the work of Irina
  Werning. Warning. Contains the odd bit of
  nudity.
http://irinawerning.com/bttf2/back-to-the-future-2-2011/


  * WOULD YOU SURVIVE A NUKE - type in your
  postcode and hum Two Tribes by Frankie goes to
  Hollywood for more 80s cold war paranoia. We'd
  be dead before Holly had even moistened his
  lips to sing.
http://www.wouldisurviveanuke.com


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  My cat is a dick
  
  Possibly might be a bit more eww than aahh
  especially the photo of cat vomit on the
  keyboard.
http://www.mycatisadick.com  


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like real life but with a 'tweet this' button

  * LOOPING YOUTUBES - if you go back into the
  history of B3ta you'll know we liked looping
  things. Badgers, the B-B-B-Birmingham song
  etc. There's awesomeness in loops that just
  gets lost when you watch a video. Anyway,
  here's a neat tool to bring that back. Take it
  away Kate Bush, spin forever.
http://goo.gl/9aDSd


  * MORE BOLLYWOOD MADNESS - CLDBellot writes,
  "I see your 'Most OTT Bollywood stunt ever'
  and I raise you this......the greatest action
  sequence in the history of film!" This is
  extraordinary. We don't have the words.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yBnl_krN_U


  * TIME LAPSE VIEW FROM SPACE - if you ever
  want to truly understand we are one world and
  all the nationalism is just divide and conquer
  bollocks then look at our planet from space.
http://vimeo.com/32001208


  * ESCAPE THE MAP - some advertising tosh for a
  car but done with a really nice trapped in
  google maps plot that's genuinely sinister and
  should be a film.
http://www.escapethemap.com/


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Increasing inaccurately named but sod it
  
  * WOW! AMAZING NETBOOK BARGAIN ON AMAZON! -
  Buy one before they change the price. UPDATE!
  They've removed the price - it was about
  £1000, but still worth a quick look for the
  amusing reviews:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005N6ZFSS/b3ta-21


  * NOBWATCH - cataloguing all the stupid
  pictures of things that look a bit like a
  penis so that we don't have to. BTW:
  NobwatchUK? We learnt a new word the other day
  "glocal" meaning basically everyone globally
  got the same shit locally, customised slightly
  for their region. Woo hoo.
http://nobwatchuk.blogspot.com


  * OOH A PLACE WITH A HAHAHA HILARIOUS NAME -
  call a doctor our sides are splitting. Not
  because of laughter, but we've stuck a blade
  into our abdomen.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knob_Lick,_Missouri


  * AWESOME HEADLINE IS AWESOME - best ever rude
  headline until the next best ever turns up. Or
  we run this one again by accident.
http://i.imgur.com/MNbN6.jpg


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: WRONG SOAP
  When kitchen hacks go bad 
  
  Last week we pondered about sticking the
  sticking Fairy in the washing machine and
  teabags in kettles etc. You engaged with this
  thusly:

  * SMELLY - jameskhedley writes, "I put Fairy
  in the dishwasher a while ago, just to see
  what would happen. Lots of bubbles, relatively
  clean but a *horrible* smell. Oh, do not wash
  your hair with Daz, you will get Dermatitis."
  
  * KETTLE EGGS - Dog writes, "Peruvian
  ex-housemate of mine boiled eggs in the
  kettle, seemed to work ok for a while but then
  kettle blew up."

  * EMAIL FROM JAILBIRD, wotbuddha writes, "TOP
  TIP: Don't put a teabag in the kettle. I
  played a prank on a cellmate, hoping we'd both
  chortle as when he poured his water out for a
  cuppa, it'd already be brewed! Oh how we'd
  laugh. Instead, cue foamy boily water going
  all over his chilli con carne, him blowing his
  top, shouting "you fucking cunt" and the
  screws getting involved, saying if he doesn't
  calm down he'll go to seg(regation).
  Basically, he was a bit of a cunt, and they
  thought it was pretty fucking funny."

  We rather like the thought of B3ta being read
  in prison. Maybe it gets swapped for snout?
  Two old newsletters for an ounce of baccy? Or
  you could print it out, fold it into a weapon
  and stab someone? 


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Colour in Lizard Challenge'

  Last week we wanted you to colour in a lizard.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * PLAY 'EM OFF BONGO LIZARD - if there were
  any justice in this world this would be a meme
  that was everywhere. (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10601620


  * THE ROYAL FAMILY ARE BLOOD DRINKING LIZARDS
  - well some of them anyway. (DavidIcke, no
  sorry, Arctisticus )
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10600487


  * TITANIC - "Jack, I want you to colour me in
  like one of your French girls...." (Fresh
  Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10598773

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/colourthelizard/


  >> New challenge: Misplaced Props <<
  This week's challenge is very straightforward:
  take a prop from one film, and insert it
  hilariously/inappropriately/cleverly into
  another. Challenge suggested by Drunken Miss
  Hopeless.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/props/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.
  
  * B3TAN ARTWORK ON THE TUBE - ages ago we ran
  an image challenge partly in conjunction with
  ArtBelow (not sponsored, they just suggested
  we did it and the B3tans voted for it).
  Drbroon writes, "I thought you might like to
  know that I got a much-loved/despised b3ta
  meme hung on a wall in St. John's Wood next to
  the smug leatherette face of Ken Livingstone.
  If that doesn't earn me constant plugs in the
  newsletter, then I don't know what does." 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10603291

  * MORE CONGRATULATIONS - to B3ta's own Lee
  Hardcastle. Winner of the ABCs of Death. Well
  done, Lee. Well deserved.
http://26th.theabcsofdeath.com/t-is-for-toilet/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  More tube stalking stuff
  
  Beaverwastemanagement writes, "When you get
  on a bus or train or plane you must try as
  best you can to avert your eyes from the
  passengers as you board (look at the floor for
  instance) and get to the furthest back seat
  you can. From that viewpoint using only the
  clues you can see from behind decide which of
  the other travellers you definitely would,
  might and definitely would not, not never, not
  even with his.

  "As you get off the bus you score your
  decisions: you get a 2 for Thank fuck I called
  that one dead right and a 1 for oh OK if I had
  to and you get - 2  points for bejezuz she's
  sooo much older than that blonde hair suggests
  and a crippling -3 for getting the sex wrong
  or anything actually illegal. Just reverse the
  sexes for all possible gender preferences or
  go the whole hog and rate the entire bus if
  you are a greedy bi-sexual. Keep your best
  score and try to break it with each new trip.
  Alternatively just read Metro. The letters
  page is OK I suppose."

  BTW: We've just tried playing this game in our
  kitchen and have scored -1 for accidentally
  contemplating fucking the fridge.
  

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: SHIT JOKE WE'VE JUST MADE UP
  To be told in 1970s working mans club
  
  "My wife says I'm like Marmite. Nah, not
  because people either love me or hate me, but
  because I smell and come in jars."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Next week we'd like to see strategies to
  prevent burglary. Our ideas include:

  * CASE-MOD YOUR PC - with 90s style beige
  tower complete with "Windows 95 ready" sticker.
  
  * DO THE SAME FOR YOUR PHONE - a nice Nokia
  cover for your lovely £400 smart phone should
  do the trick.
  
  * UNSURE WHAT DO DO ABOUT LAPTOPS - maybe make
  them look like a Breville sandwich toaster.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by using 4 to 6 fingers
  of our typing fingers (including thumbs) on a
  laptop with lots of snot on the screen. Stuff
  sent in by @thesaharadesert, Paper 'n Pencil, 
  @eatingsoho, milkybarnick, sinisterduck,
  @vulga, JamTallons, @orangewarrior, Kim
  Plowright, @foxhill_matt, @rhyswynne,
  sinisterduck, @davidnield. Top Tippery by
  wehttamman. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke.

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  TOP TIP:
  Prevent your partner from snoring by holding a
  pillow over their face.
  
-------------------------------------------------
  
  THIS NEWSLETTER WAS PRODUCED LISTENING TO...
  Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here

  EMI have been doing a reissue of the Floyd's
  back catalogue with numourous extra track
  stuff. We were rather excited to hear the
  fabled 'household objects' project, their
  abandoned attempt to produce music from only
  wineglasses and rubberbands. Sadly the extract
  here isn't up to much, being simply the
  intro from Shine On You Crazy Diamond. However
  there's a fab previously unheard take on Wish
  You Were Here featuring a violin that sounds
  positively folky. Imagine Pink Floyd joining up
  with Dexy's Midnight Runners. Oh you don't
  have to, you could just buy the CD. (Or
  torrent it, but buying it earns us about 5p or
  something. Fuck it - just give us your spare
  coins if you see us outside a tube station.)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004ZNAKLM/b3ta-21

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