we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "SELLING OUT FASTER THAN THE SMITHS AT A JOHN LEWIS CHRISTMAS SALE"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* MUMMIES - Mummies everywhere
* INTERVIEW - Jonti Picking exclusive
* KITTEN ALBUM COVERS - Best thing ever

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "We're shaving.com
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |         our legs... 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|           together"

B3ta ascii spooge 504 - 11 Nov 2011

Tattoo this issue on your eyelids:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue504/

       Friends:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Utter bastards:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Win A Sweary Tablecloth & Avoid Shopping Hell

  Hate fighting through the high street's unwashed
  masses to buy crap, predictable Xmas presents?
  See some of the nifty stuff you can order from
  The Green Apple and have a go at the caption
  competition to win a Modern Toss Periodic
  Tablecloth Of Swearing + a voucher (everyone who
  enters gets a 10%-off coupon).
http://www.the-green-apple.co.uk/green-christmas/


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us. We're cheap.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Mummies, Cats, Hamsters, CDCs, Snot & Thanks
  
  >> House of 8,000 mummies <<
  "Want to know how it feels to be surrounded by
  8000 mummies?" intones Juergen. To be honest,
  this fully satisfied our curiosity. Like a
  walk-in closet of the zombie apocalypse.
http://goo.gl/qQFE8


  >> Welcome to Kitty City <<
  "A small furry dollop of animated whimsy,"
  explains Cyriak. It's like lolcats ON ACID - in
  that it features cats, makes little sense and is
  terrifyingly melty.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Welcome_to_Kitty_City


  >> HAMSTER HELL Chapter Two <<
  Being a pet hamster is very much the same thing
  as being trapped in a futuristic prison.
  Probably. "Second chapter of me webseries,"
  explains leehardcastle. "I just thought people
  liked a bit of a series, like me gran wi'
  Coronation Street."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/HAMSTER_HELL_Chapter_Two_Wife


  >> Women struggling to drink CDCs <<
  "'Women struggling to drink water' is excellent,"
  admits Pedantichrist. "But, let's be honest about
  it, we all thought this." Crudely-drawn NSFW.
http://women-struggling-to-drink-cdcs.tumblr.com/


  >> When I Had A Cold <<
  "It's the start of the winter and I've got a
  cold," moans Joel Veitch. "Still, it's not all
  bad. You see?" A lovely sound from Joel's new
  kitten band, although thank Christ he didn't
  have the shits.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/When_I_Had_A_Cold


  >> Freelance Thanks <<
  Working from home? Missing the positive
  feedback of office-based chums? Well here it
  is, in virtual form, devoid of any context. Or
  meaning. "This thing I made," writes
  drawingisgood. Hurrah! Well done!
http://www.freelancethanks.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: WEEBL AKA JONTI PICKING MAKES IPHONE GAME
  So we interview him:

  B3ta: What made you want to do an iPhone game?

  Jonti: I like games a lot and this seemed like a
  good way of actually making a real, actual,
  gamey game. Most games on iPhones seem to be
  really easy as well which is a little annoying.
  Nothing wrong with a bit of a challenge.

  B: What's do you think is the secret of a
  good phone game?

  J: Simplicity is key and keep levels or
  playtime short. Ideally it should be possible to
  dip into between tube stops.

  B: What false starts did you experiment with
  before deciding on the direction you took it in?

  J: To be honest the game evolved into what it is
  as it was being coded. I had an idea, all
  fleshed out, but then reality took over
  somewhat. There's only so much memory to play
  with so we had to cut down on animation in
  places. As a result, smaller sprites were needed
  for some things but this led to all the
  background characters being added.

  B: What hidden bits are there?

  J: There's nothing really hidden. The tutorial
  is... interesting. There's a sort of Easter egg
  in the credits. Basically we've laid it all on
  the table. Unless the coders hid sonething from
  me. That's possible. There's probably a picture
  of me being sick on a stoat hidden in there, I
  bet.

  Watch the promo vid for the game here:
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Russian+Dancing+Men/

  Or buy the game on iTunes:
http://bit.ly/vTVivE  

  PS: Don't email us going, "Boo hoo, why isn't
  this on Android." If you do, we'll send your
  name to the police, saying you've been sending
  us child porn.


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Tactlessness

  Last week we asked for the most tactless thing
  you'd ever heard. And whether it came from your
  own lips:
http://b3ta.com/questions/tactless/

  * UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY CARD - "I hate buying
  birthday cards. I hate the crappy designs, the
  inflated prices for a bit of folded paper and
  the 'jokes' or, worse, the second-hand
  sentiments from the Hallmark Sweatshop of
  Platitudes. But a few years ago I'd made friends
  with a female colleague. I'd known her about 10
  months when she invited me to the pub for her
  mother's birthday. I liked her Mum, so was happy
  to say yes. I nipped out in my lunchtime to get
  a card. After looking at rows and rows of
  inappropriate sex and fart jokes and 'too
  sentimental for the mother of a friend' cards,
  I finally saw one with a vaguely amusing joke,
  paid and left. In the pub I pull the card out of
  my bag and hand it to Birthday Woman with a
  smile and a 'Have a lovely birthday.' As I do
  so, I start to get a sinking feeling as I
  realise the card I have just handed to this
  woman - this lonely, 3 months a widow after
  losing her huband to cancer woman; this woman
  who is having her first birthday since the
  tragic loss of the man she's spent 30 years with
  woman - has a picture of three women sitting
  round a table animatedly talking and one man
  laying with his head on his arms on the table.
  Underneath the image are the words: "The women
  had been talking for so long they hadn't noticed
  Jean's husband had passed away three hours ago."
  (scarpe)
	 
  * HOARDING MUM - "My mum's a hoarder. Not to the
  extent of keeping newspapers and bottling her
  piss or anything, she just hates to throw out
  anything she can remember paying good money for,
  or can imagine a future need for. Anyway, last
  year she wound up in intensive care after
  developing a twisted bowel and succumbing to
  sepsis. After a couple of weeks spent watching
  her move up and down the grim reaper's to-do
  list, she thankfully pulled around. The day she
  was moved onto a normal ward, we were chatting
  about how we could help her manage once she got
  home and of course clear out some of the junk.
  My uncle kindly softened the blow with, "Well,
  if you'd died we were going to chuck it all in a
  fucking skip anyway." (Greencloud )
	 
  * BRAZILIAN GIRLFRIEND - "So I'm sixteen years
  old. The girlfriend has come around to my place
  for the day, the folks and the sister are out,
  and the afternoon is ripe for lovin' - or at
  least, kissin' and some awkward groping, which
  is the best a fairly shy guy such as myself
  could have expected. But something is wrong.
  From the moment the ladyfriend walked in the
  door, she seemed a little nervous, a little
  distracted. After I (finally) realised something
  was up, I asked her what was the matter. She
  refused to tell me. We played that game for a
  while (What'swrongnothingreallyyesyousureyesoh),
  but I eventually manage to get it out of her. In
  a quiet, delicate voice, quite unlike anything
  I've ever heard her use before, she comes out
  with: "I've... you know... *shaved*." For some
  reason, my mind doesn't quite realise what's
  going on, so I respond with, "Wow... Well, I
  have to say, it looks a lot better. I didn't
  want to mention anything, but I'd definitely
  noticed a little bit of fuzz there." All the
  while, I'm gesturing to her top lip. The lip
  that, in fact, was not one of the ones she was
  referring to. There was to be no more fumbling
  that day. It took three hours to get her to even
  speak to me. (Ellinikos)


  >> This week: Money-saving tips <<
  I'm broke, you're broke, we're all broke. Even
  that smug guy on the balcony with the croissant
  hasn't got two AmEx gold cards to rub together
  these days. Tell everybody your schemes to save
  cash:
http://b3ta.com/questions/savingmoney/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Font of the week: Pubes <<
  Curious that people keep sending in odd fonts, two
  weeks ago Llamas, last week one made of vaginas
  and now? One made entirely of leg hair. We lied
  when we said pubes in the headline. Sorry.
http://thedailywh.at/2011/11/08/follicular-font-of-the-day/
  

  >> How to deal with violence <<
  Seeing as the UK government is systematically
  dismantling our social services, it would seem
  likely we're going to be living in an
  increasingly violent society. Here's some tips
  on how to respond to violence. We're pleased to
  learn our instincts are mostly good: run away.
http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/the-truth-about-violence/


  >> 136 Weird Wikipedia Articles <<
  Recently we've been using the 'reading list'
  function in Safari to pop in interesting
  articles that we haven't got the time to read
  now, but will do for toilet reading later on our
  phone. Here's the mother-lode. You'll be set for a
  really long shit.
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/805FfR/phocks.org/stumble/creepy/


  >> Focus after shooting camera <<
  We've made a promise not to buy any new gadgets
  for a bit but we're sorely tempted by the Lytro,
  a camera that allows you to snap photos and then
  select focus later. Meaning that even
  clutzfingers like us can get a good shot.
  Although bittersweet news for professional
  photographers, as it's another bit of deskilling
  that'll drive what they can charge down.
  Available 2012.
http://www.lytro.com/


  >> Baby recreates famous movie scenes <<
  We suspect the creator of this is a first-time
  dad - who bothers making this kind of effort
  with Child Number Three? Or even remembers the
  kid's name?
http://www.studioarthur.co.uk


  >> Drinkify <<
  What music goes with which drink? Apparently it's
  cocaine for The Cure and neat vodka for Rebecca
  Black. Sounds like a party to us.
http://www.drinkify.org


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  The Kitten Covers

  Geniusly simply idea. Photoshop album covers to
  contain kittens - like debris from a parallel
  universe where Marc Bolan is a cat and he keeps
  tiny humans for pets.
http://thekittencovers.tumblr.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Six good reasons you should read more books

  >> 40 memes <<
  Band 'The GAG Quartet' (there's three of them,
  our sides are splitting) play 40 memes in one
  song. Best bit? Keyboard cat. Wonderful stuff;
  it has all the excess of prog, but you actually
  know the tunes, so it's fun.
http://t.co/NaOQDIuR


  >> Ciao Berlusconi <<
  In the week where the big, fat, corrupt lizard
  who's sat on Italy for 40-odd years has been
  deposed, remember him with this suprisingly
  good sketch from Harry Enfield and Paul
  Whitehouse. Let's hope Italy is not out of
  the padella and into the fuoco.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tribute_to_the_Exiting_Italian_PM


  >> Two US news anchors piss about <<
  What they do when they're waiting for the
  weather report to finish? Mesmerizing. Think
  how entertaining TV would be if they didn't
  spend all that production effort making
  everything so monoform and let people's
  personalities and quirks shine through.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Two_U_S_News_Anchors


  >> Unrehearsed voice-over artist <<
  Neat comedy idea - do V/Os for adverts without
  watching the ad first. Frankly, some agency
  should nick this idea and record hundreds of
  one-take V/Os for an ad and then play them out
  over TV. Would be a talking point and make it
  stand out from the predictable norm.
http://goo.gl/LyjSn


  >> M83 vocal audition <<
  In the words of the high court judge, "What is a
  M83?" We had to google it (some pop group who've
  passed us by) but this chappy doing a comic
  audition for backing vocalist? Brought joy to
  our tiny mouse-like hearts.
http://vimeo.com/31579331


  >> Most O.T.T. Bollywood stunt ever? <<
  Ajbeaumont writes, "This clip from an Indian
  film climaxes with the hero on rollerblades
  defeating a load of baddies in cars. The realism
  of the special effects is a delight." We're now
  scared of cars flipping randomly into the air
  and exploding. Another phobia for our list.
http://youtu.be/_Z3j3IIMCYs


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  If Gary Glitter had a rap band

  Concurrency writes, "Awesome band name. Guess
  it means something different in LA. Or the
  same, and they're just very open about things
  over there."
http://www.allmusic.com/artist/p141915


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Population Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to reduce global
  population. Your favourites included:
 
  * MONSTER - terrifyingly be-toothed
  child-consuming visage (Fresh Water Mole)  
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10592486

  * LEMMINGS - Look! Over here, everyone!
  It's the new iPhone! (Joe Scaramanga)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10591102

  * SPELLING - Elegant, sensible solution
  to the overpopulation problem, at least in
  English-speaking nations (anonymousreality)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10591289

 All these images, and the highest as voted by you
 can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/population/


  >> New challenge: Colour The Lizard <<
  This week's challenge comes from the very
  earliest days of b3ta. Your mission is simply to
  colour the lizard, in as spectacular a fashion
  as possible. 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/colourthelizard/


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Prof or Tramp? Nobel prize or Hobo prize?

  We were sent this by an anonymous caller,
  clearly inspired by our retro quizzes of
  yesteryear. Can you tell the difference between
  university staff or derelicts? We couldn't.
  Hooray for two groups that don't willingly wear
  the handcuffs of smart.
http://individual.utoronto.ca/somody/quiz.html


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something ace and tell us about it. If you
  are in it then you'll become famous and
  attractive people will sleep with you and
  business will thrust money into your grasping
  claw.

  Things we'd really like to see include. (This
  bit is tricky to write off the top of our heads
  so today we're looking around the kitchen for
  inspiration.)

  * USE THE WRONG SOAP - Wash your hair with
  Daz, wash your clothes with Fairy. Does it
  matter?

  * MAKE TEA BY PUTTING THE TEA BAG DIRECTLY INTO
  THE KETTLE - we must end the tyranny of the
  teapot.

  * REPLACE YOUR FRIDGE LIGHT WITH A RED BULB - to
  make your food appear excitingly erotic.

  Send contributions via the mail form. Or post
  them on /links. Or just imagine them and let our
  Psi-Ops read your mind.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look at
  everything you send us. Even the shit in a jiffy
  bag.


-------------------------------------------------

  Lovers:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Twats:   b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Fred West with Rose
  West. Stuff sent in by admiral crunch, jams,
  dirtyscarab, SickRik, @flokemon, @akx,
  ajbeaumont, al3002, mike woz ere,
  @SpotOnWebsites, @davidnield & @njhamer. Top
  Tippery by MrOli. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via HappyToast. Apologies to Greg
  Davies via Sir Aunty Grampa Dave the Hat.

  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Never put Pasta and Anti-Pasta too close
  together in the fridge - the resultant explosion
  could destroy your appetite.

-------------------------------------------------

  THIS NEWSLETTER WAS PRODUCED LISTENING TO...
  The Wicker Man Soundtrack. 

  A one-off fusion of prog, folk and mentalness.
  We've been getting in touch with our inner
  pagan and jumping pregnant over fires. And so
  should you. And at £3.50 second-hand on Amazon,
  it's never been cheaper to soundtrack the
  rutting of your rural neighbours. Must dash
  now, just off to sacrifice a hare.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00006C2OG/b3ta-21

next issue »
« previous issue