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NEWSLETTER: "SHAVE IT OFF, IT GROWS BACK THICKER. I CANT WAIT TO SEE MY NEW WILLY"

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This Week:
* MASTERCHEF INNUENDO - In your endo
* GIFTS - Apple catalog 1983
* PLANE LANDING - no front wheels

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're  shaving the     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   web to make wool.com
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       ... together"

B3ta email 502 - 28 Oct 2011

Read this issue backwards and summon Lucifer:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue502/

       Join:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
     UnJoin:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Nick Clegg toilet seat

  Quite why anyone would want the leader of the
  Lib Dems on the bog isn't for us to guess, but
  we have noticed the phrase "clear yellow water"
  cropping up in their policy docs:  
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004ZQY5N8/b3ta-21

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Halloween, Innuendos and Filth

  >> Postman Pat's PET SEMATARY <<
  Just in time for Halloween AND Postman Pat's
  30th birthday. "No nudity or too much wanking
  but NSFW cause it's a bit violent and sweary for
  yer usual Postman twat adventure," growls
  leehardcastle.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Postman_Pats_PET_SEMATARY


  >> Celebrity Masterchef - The Top 10 Innuendos! <<
  "Bashed this together today cos it's the final
  and that," chime Cope&Dalton. It doesn't get
  harder than this.
http://goo.gl/5ZuqI


  >> Dirty Notes <<
  "I have a website," brags landfear, "and I can
  track what people are googling to find me. And
  since somebody in Lambeth searched for the words
  'I like to drink breastmilk' today, I thought
  I'd share with you folks what they found."
  Basically, she made up the most peculiar, filthy
  singles ads, put them on craigslist and
  pitilessly documented the results. Brave girl.
http://filthynotesfromstrangers.com/wordpress/?page_id=35


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Meeting people from the internet

  Last week we wanted to know what happened when
  you encountered internet people in real life.
  Some of them were sane:
http://b3ta.com/questions/internetmeets/

  * OUCH - "In September 2001, I took a series of
  trains to the Netherlands. From a rattly South
  Eastern to Dover Docks, to the dawdling Belgian
  countrysider and the frantic platform-dashing as
  the conductor informed me I was going to
  Haarlem, not Arnhem, the adventure took most of
  the day. I sweatily disembarked 12 hours later
  in a sleepy town and cast my eyes around for the
  blonde metaller I was supposed to be meeting.
  Janneke and I had been chatting online for
  nearly 5 years, and with the new-found freedom
  of turning 18 I'd figured it was time for a
  European jaunt. I hunkered down and waited for
  her to arrive. Ten minutes turned to twenty, and
  then an hour passed. I was more and more
  frantic, wondering what was going on. Was I in
  the wrong time zone? Had I got my dates mixed
  up? Should I have gone to Haarlem instead? Panic
  was properly setting in. I scanned the traffic,
  heart racing every time a vehicle pulled up.
  Nope, not her. Nope. Nope. This bus? Nope, she's
  not on that one either. Fuck. And then I saw a
  motorbike, a weedy rasping scooter of a thing,
  buzzing down the access road. A petite figure
  clad in tight leathers, blond hair streaming
  behind her helmet. My heart was pounding. I
  stood up in anticipation, and watched as a
  homeless man ran out of nowhere, straight into
  her path. She swerved, lost it, and gracelessly
  slid with the bike into a concrete upright. The
  crunch of bone and steel was sickening. They
  wouldn't let me into the ambulance since I
  wasn't a relative or a friend. Heartbroken and
  bloodstained, I took the next train home, and
  had to explain to every conductor, the border
  guard and my own parents that the bloodstains
  and my early return weren't linked in the way
  they thought they were." (I helped save b3ta!
  Grrrmachine )
	 
  * OUCH - "He was my best friend's secret lesbian
  lover's boyfriend. We met over the internet
  because we got lumped into an IM conversation
  organising a party together and found we had a
  lot in common. We talked online for weeks, and
  discovered we lived practically in sight of each
  other: score! So we drank together for most of
  our remaining teenage years, laughing at each
  other's failings with women and academia in a
  haze of cigarette smoke. And then out of nowhere
  he tried to forcefully bum me while I was sat on
  his bed playing Halo shithoused. And that's why
  I don't like Halo." (a gun that fires other,
  smaller guns)
	 
  * OUCH - "I'm just going out to a gay club with
  some guys I met on the internet" was never going
  to be an easy sell to Mrs Andrist, but being the
  trusting woman that she is, she made no
  objection. 8 hours after my first b3ta bash I
  arrive home... covered in blood, no lenses in my
  glasses, cuts on my various parts of my body and
  a huge gash on my chin, which turned out to be a
  fractured jaw. I'm now banned from meeting
  "fucking b3ta weirdos" (mrandrist)


  >> This Week's Question - Racist Grandparents <<
  We'd like to hope that older generations are the
  last bastions of casual racism, or is it just
  the way they express it that shocks? Tell us
  your stories and we'll find out:
http://b3ta.com/questions/racistgrandparents/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> £50 photoshops <<
  We have a new design coming our way for the VAT
  cheat's favourite note. We actually considered
  doing this for an image challenge but you silly
  billies didn't vote for it, leaving the door wide
  open for these bastards:
http://fiftyforfifty.tumblr.com/
   

  >> Awkward poses <<
  Lots of models. All looking slightly odd. Still,
  you'll probably be able to crack one out.
http://awkwardposes.tumblr.com/


  >> Apple gift catalogue <<
  Before Apple were cool they were kind of er...
  cheesy. And to think Jobs claimed that Bill
  Gates had no taste. BTW: Just to spread the
  views of dissent we're throwing in an obit from
  free software pioneer Richard Stallman that we
  love, "Steve Jobs, the pioneer of the computer
  as a jail made cool, designed to sever fools
  from their freedom, has died."
http://goo.gl/y47SN


  >> Groan My IP.com <<
  Is getting one of the Village People to moan out
  your IP address in a "sexy" voice homophobic?
  Our moral compass broke years ago, but the
  giggleometer still works.
http://groanmyip.com/


  >> Ed Wood novels <<
  Ed Wood, tranny and film maker, is probably
  known to you as the subject of the only truly
  great film Johnny Depp has starred in. But did
  you know he was an author? The subject matter
  you can probably predict:
http://boo-hooray.com/ed-wood/ed-woods-sleaze-paperbacks/


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Baby and bulldog snoozing

  David Hart writes, "Seems a long time since any
  cute kittens or animals. Maybe we can get it
  rolling and keep the newsletter interesting for
  my girlfriend with this." Sure to work if she
  likes cute babies, or cute animals with similar
  proportions to hairy, ugly, muscular babies. 
http://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=PO0thnZ5fk0


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Bite-sized visual propaganda units YAY!

  >> Plane landing, no front wheels <<
  Especially worth watching if you're a nervous
  flyer - look! Planes are safe, even when
  important bits fall off!
http://t.co/GhpWLOGa


  >> Louis Theroux, Adam Buxton, Joe Cornish dancing <<
  Forever answering the question; which of these
  nerdish titans has the best moves. BTW lest ye
  mock, everybody danced this way in 1990. It was
  acceptable at the time.
http://goo.gl/KMgJR


  >> Shopping online/offline experience <<
  Amusing ad for Google that explains why shopping
  online is shit. Thanks guys - although our
  massive laziness about leaving the house on a
  drizzly morning can overcome pretty much any
  obstacle.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shopping_online_offline_experience


  >> FOX NEWS UK covers Occupy LSX <<
  Hard to parody Fox, but this guy has a good old
  go, sticking his mic in people's faces and
  demanding to know when they're going to riot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxX-41fK-k0


  >> Koi observation turret <<
  Basically, turn a fish bowl upside-down and
  float it on a circle of cork over a fish pond.
  Those whimsical fishies can't resist swimming up
  to gawp at the view! Or, more likely, continue
  to lurk at the bottom, uninterested in anything
  but food and occasionally savaging chunks off
  the smallest fish.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Koi_Pearl


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Ha ha call a nurse we're going to stab our face

  * FAT KID / JABBA THE HUTT - probably
  photoshopped, definitely mean and absolutely
  everywhere this week.
http://www.b3tards.com/u/fa2a3ab468c53bb760c2/jabba_kid.jpg

   * HOW SAFE IS ONLINE BANKING? - a nice
   reassurance from Barclays.
http://pic.twitter.com/rws3VQsr


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from "News / Computer Games" Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to take any story from
  the news and turn it into a fun game. Thanks to
  Monkeon for the idea.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * JET SET WILLY AT #OCCUPYLSX - Miner Willy's
  shows despite the millions he grabbed from
  raiding that mine, he still considers himself
  part of the 99%. (Moon Girl Technologies)
http://b3ta.com/board/10583244

  * 80s RETRO GAME SIMULATOR - correctly pointing
  out that no one has emulated the wider
  experience of playing computer games in the 80s.
  (Clay)
http://b3ta.com/board/10579024

  * TWIN TOWERS TETRIS - if Al-Qaeda hadn't
  crashed two passenger jets into the World Trade
  Centre then how would B3ta have had anything to
  photoshop? I think you see how we're joining the
  dots here... (Mr Dogshit)
http://b3ta.com/board/10579368

    All these images, and the highest as voted by
    you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/newsintocomputergames/


  >> New challenge: The b3ta City  <<
  If b3ta were a real metropolis, what would we
  expect to see and do there? What would the
  buildings look like? And the inhabitants?
  Answers, please, in the form of this week's
  challenge, as suggested by Bourbon Fox.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/b3tacity/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BRIAN BLESSED ALARM CLOCK -  You might
  remember Rich Gardener put together a
  project where he got Brian Blessed to make a
  SatNav. His plan now is to build an iPhone alarm
  clock with Brian's voice so you can be woken up
  with a Blessed shouting at you. Just like being
  his wife. Watch the preview vid here - app to be
  launched in Nov:
http://bit.ly/sp7fWF


  * WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN NEXT - TownsendsPublisher
  writes, "Probably just a coincidence, but since
  my suggestion for a subject line about the
  newsletter being the "Guardian Guide's internet
  page a day early" the Guardian Guide has stopped
  running an internet page. Coincidence?" Hmm,
  probably, though it always was fucking useless
  - who wants a bunch of random links in a paper
  based thingie?
  

  * SHED OF THE YEAR 2012 - share your shed
  writes, "2012 is the 6th year we have run Shed
  of the Year competition - and you b3tans & the
  Ginger Fuhrer have been great supporters over
  the years - with a few mentions in the
  newsletters and such, plus a shed is the perfect
  retreat to browse b3ta :) This year not only do
  we have Sheddies favorite Sarah Beeny as a
  judge, we are now joined by author Neil Gaiman -
  who writes his stuff in a shed."
http://goo.gl/3EV5w


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  See how far you can walk holding your breath

  Can you get to your corner shop? The point of
  this game is the same as all games - momentary
  distraction during the inevitable trudge towards
  death. Oh you want a flash game? Hmm. Ok, let's
  imagine one. Frogger Motorway. The cars are too
  fast to pass. You die, die, die, but eventually
  you realise you can move backwards away from the
  motorway and live out your days peaceably in an
  unspoiled paradise. 5 stars, would play again.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MORSE CODE - Has anyone edited Inspector Morse
  so he speaks only in bleeps, plus endless
  perplexed faces pulled by Lewis?

  * OS DUCKING -  You know what we'd like built
  into our OS? Ducking. Say I've got Spotify
  playing some music - when I play a YouTube vid,
  Spotify gets quieter

  * "WE MISS YOU" - a collection of plaintive
  emails from marginalised Web 2.0 sites asking
  why you don't visit these days. (We even had one
  from Dropbox recently, complaining we weren't
  sharing files like we used to. *sings  "you used
  to bring me jpegs"*)


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. We Make £437 Every Day Working From
  Home (printing out fake tenners). Stuff sent in
  by (or nicked from) JohnMoynes, Mandrake,
  mcgi5sr2, pissflaps, WiL, barryheadwound,
  @davebirss,   @denialvibes, @DaveExclamationMark
  Subjlols via Saner. Top Tippery by PERSONALITY
  HORSE. Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. 
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Get a large sausage, slice it lengthways to a
  depth of about 2/3s its width, shove a
  breadstick in. Now you have an inside-out
  hotdog; the perfect mutant snack for Halloween.

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