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NEWSLETTER: "THE SATURDAY GUARDIAN INTERNET PAGE - ONE DAY EARLY"

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This Week:
* BEAUTIFUL - Buttery biscuit bass
* BIZARRE - Strange pub find
* BOLLOCKS - Auto-CV generator

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "As regular as your     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   weekly shit, it's 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     b3tallalaala!"

B3ta pamphlet 485 - 1 July 2011

Read this issue in a high pitched voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue485/

       Hugs:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Shrugs:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Transmetropolitan Comic

  Ok, we're about about 15 years late to the party
  but we're not big ones for reading comic books,
  but someone recommended it and it's fab. 
  Packed full of technological and repressive
  ideas that are partly coming true now. Buy it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1845765222/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Bass, Trains, Secrets and Scots

  >> Buttery biscuit bass <<
  "It's been so long, I forgot how to embed
  videos," confesses mashup maestro Swede Mason.
  But this Masterchef masterpiece is a thing of
  great joy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Masterchef_Synesthesia:4


  >> How to avoid getting hit by a train <<
  "Parked your car on the tracks by mistake and
  you haven't got time to move it?" asks Black
  Moon. Here's how you resolve the situation.
http://goo.gl/051RW


  >> Bizarre Pub Find <<
  "Here's a real-life Easter egg," exclaims 
  Dr.A. "No achievement though." FYI he isn't
  referring to the brightly-coloured, egg-shaped
  kind. What a strange thing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bizarre_Pub_Find


  >> 'Visit Scotland' <<
  "The new Scottish tourism ads reminded me of
  something," explains The Great Architect. The
  new footage fits surprisingly well.
http://goo.gl/Igwc2


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Bedroom Disasters

  Last week we asked for the most terrible things
  that had ever happened to you in bed. What we
  weren't expecting was how one of you was so
  drunk, you tried to fuck your mum:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bedroomdisasters/

  * THUNK - "My new girlfriend told me she liked
   it rough. Despite having never done anything
   like that before, I think 'fuck it' and we
   go for it one night after a trip to the pub.
   Music is put on to cover the oncoming storm
   of grunts. She gets shoved onto the bed, hard,
   and lies there, legs akimbo, to let me ravish
   her (her term, I might add). After maybe a
   minute of such ravishing, I realise I'm getting
   minimal feedback. I look up. She'd hit her head
   on the wall when I shoved her... and I'd
   molested her while she was unconscious. We
   don't tell that one at dinner parties."
   (a gun that fires other, smaller guns)
	 
  * TWOCK - "When I was about 12, I'd just made
   a dart-board box thingy in woodwork (you know,
   the things that open up and give you little
   blackboards either side). I hung it up and
   was throwing my first dart when a friend,
   with amazing timing, popped his head around
   the door and said 'hellooo' just in time to
   intercept my wayward dart with his face. The
   noise of impact, the sight of it stuck there
   at 90 degrees, square in the middle of his
   forehead and the changing expressions on his
   face as he realised what just happened
   followed by the noised he made as he danced
   up and down, with his little hands flopping
   on his wrists, will remain with me forever."
   (Zak McFlimby)
	 
  * THWACK - "Many moons ago my father had three
   major influences in his life - the Royal Navy,
   a chronic sleep disorder, and quick fists.
   Thanks to the first of these, he and my mother
   found themselves living a balmy tropical
   lifestyle on the island of Mauritius in the
   early 70s. Idyllic, halcyon days of rum and
   sunshine, tempered only by my father's minimal
   duties and occasional, absolute batshit
   mentalism... One typically enchanting night,
   my parents were sleeping blissfully in the
   silence of their quarters. Unfortunately the
   nasty night demons were toying with my father's
   mind. Mumbling, tossing and turning, he
   suddenly sat bolt upright in bed like an
   electrocuted lobotomy patient. Fuck... there
   was someone stood in their room! No time to
   think. The time for action was now. "I AM MAN,
   AND MY KNUCKLES ARE LEGION" I like to think
   he screamed as he leaped at the shadowy
   stranger. A thunderous left hook right into
   the face of the hapless intruder and he
   literally exploded. Everywhere. Just like a
   mirror would, in fact. Yep, he'd decked his
   own reflection, severing an artery - 40 years
   later and he still has no feeling in half his
   hand, and an absolute canyon of a scar."
   (Wet-chinned bag shanker )


  >> This Week's Question: useless old skills <<
  What old, now-useless rubbish is so firmly
  stuck in your head that it'll never shake
  loose? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/obsolete/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Ghost-It notes <<
  A spooky and amusing story about passive
  aggressive notes being left in a house but they
  live alone... *Twilight Zone music*
http://goo.gl/ciQD1


  >> Instant Art Bollocks generator <<
  Ideal for filling in the biography bit on your
  final year project at art school. Before you
  have to go and work in McDonalds or, if you have
  connections, an internship in the Tory party.
http://bit.ly/kJeoVI


  >> Bad design for lols <<
  Art project: factory workers produce incorrect
  versions of products they make every day.
  Reminds us of those old "Irish invention" jokes
  from the 70s: Parachutes that open on impact,
  inflatable dart-boards, etc.
http://crmag.co.uk/loy1ja


  >> Collings and Herrin bust up <<
  Unusual to hear about the petty jealousies
  caused in a close working relationship discussed
  so openly. Anyone who's ever collaborated on
  stuff should find something to identify with here.
http://goo.gl/1ndDy


  >> WWII, before the war <<
  Curious collection of photos of life before WW2
  - our favourite pic is 31 which looks rather
  like a Nazi edition of Juke Box Jury.
http://goo.gl/VBztU


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Owls with stupid expressions on their faces

  Web legend Kim Plowright has been using Flickr
  to group her favourite owl pictures. We defy
  you not to smile. 
http://ow.ly/5uz1c


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> Radiohead redubbed <<
  Continuing a meme that includes the one with
  Beyonce sounding very heavy on her feet.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Radiohead_are_ace


  >> Song to unborn grandchild <<
  1000% more awesome than it sounds. Might make
  children cry.
  http://youtu.be/YfY1lfFu8j8


  >> Jimmy Page schools The Edge and Jack White <<
  Clip from the movie "It Might Get Loud". As
  boring, old guitar players, we missed this flick
  and totally plan to watch it this weekend.
  (We'd also like a remake with our favourite post
  punk guitarists like Robert Smith, Johnny Marr
  and John McGeoch (googles for spelling, oh he's
  dead.)
http://goo.gl/492qH


  >> Fish Orgy <<
  So some fish are having a nice quiet fuck orgy
  and you choose to drive your powerboat through
  it. Dicks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Holy_Carp


  >> BBC test scrambling <<
 @IrregularShed writes, "As splendid nerds, you
 might enjoy this. It's what the BBC used to test
 scrambling, circa 1991." It's really quite
 enjoyable - something to stick on after a hard
 day programming your BBC Micro.
http://post.ly/2J7iC 


  >> Bestest ever animation ever <<
  Prepare to be thrilled with the kind of CGI
  Hollywood can only dream about:
http://t.co/de33NC7


  >> Greenpeace VW / Starwars spoof <<
  Loving this not because it's funny or brilliant
  executed, it isn't, but that it sticks Vs to the
  intellectual property of George Lucas, leaving
  Greenpeace hugely legally exposed. Yet if VW or
  George Lucas sue they'd become famous for being
  the guys who killed Greenpeace, which would be
  the PR disaster of the age. 
http://goo.gl/SCLJT


  And speaking of bad Star Wars rip offs, this is
  much funnier, if less interesting politically:
http://t.co/6Ny3FMl


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Secret Kitchen Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to picture what
  the stuff in your kitchen gets up to when
  you're not there

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CHICKEN - utterly disturbing self-
    pleasuring fowl action (Fresh Water
    Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/10459062

  * OVEN - fiendishly clever YouTube /
    Microwave mash-up gag (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/10459140

  * EGGS - sensational egg-box Tetris
    imagining triumph (SauronWibble)
http://b3ta.com/board/10459002

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kitchens/


  >> New challenge: Jumpy Orange Shapes <<
  This week's challenge is highly
  technical: to make beautiful, joyous (or
  dark and ugly) things out of jumpy orange
  shapes. Challenge suggested by Barbarossa
http://b3ta.com/challenge/jumpyorangeshapes/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GOOGLE TIME MAP - leo writes, "In the
  newsletter you asked for a way to show travel
  time -vs- distance in Google Maps. I think you
  are looking for Mapnificent, as reviewed in the
  Economist. It covers London and Manchester in
  England. I tried it for Los Angeles, where I
  live but I think it is missing the Big Blue Bus
  routes. So good but not yet perfect."
http://www.economist.com/blogs/gulliver/2011/06/mapnificent


  * KENEFIT for Darklord. "Hello dear B3TA,"
  writes tootla. "Thought some of you might like
  to know there's a special party, or a Kenefit if
  you will, in honour of our dear, departed
  friend. It's in London at East Village, July
  14th. Mega line-up of DJs and will be a right
  hoot. Be great to have a B3TA presence down
  there."
http://goo.gl/0FPQA


  * COMEDY SALE - A couple of weeks ago, b3tan and
  comedian Sanderson Jones told us all his plan to
  sell tickets to his forthcoming show by meeting
  all of the audience members in person. He
  writes, "Thought you might want to see a video
  of me failing to sell tickets. I went to Soho a
  week or so back and just had people say 'No' to
  me. Not fun. Bearing in mind selling tickets
  like that is a key part of my business model, I
  am scratching my head at the moment." Keep
  plugging away, Sanderson!
http://bit.ly/jxlgR5


  * B3TA SCREENSAVER FOR OSX - "I spent a few
  hours noodling around and ended up with a
  screensaver that puts the contents of the
  messageboard on your monitor," writes the
  rather clever c@bbage. "Not working perfectly
  yet, but doesn't look too bad. Take it out for
  a spin and see what you think."
http://ruletheweb.co.uk/b3ta/screen-saver.html


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Booze Up

  A nice little platformer in the vein of
  Jumpman. With a bit of a b3tan feel.
http://www.freewebarcade.com/game/boozeup/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * LOGAN'S RUN FOR PETS - just looking at our
    horrid old cat and thinking it would be more
    efficient if they had a glowing thing in their
    paw so you know when they're going to die. And
    you could plan getting a new kitten.

  * GENETICALLY-ENGINEERED BABIES THAT DON'T CRY
    OR SHIT - no reason.

  * AN OFF BUTTON FOR YOUR BRAIN - that doesn't
    give you a hangover.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Kiss you:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Miss you:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by cartelmike,
  @IAreSteev, Faceburger, foxprorawks, The Great
  Architect, moogthedog, Old_Holborn,
  @iamjamesward, @JamesWard, @erocdrahs,
  UHMUHRAKA! Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. 
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Tip via The Archduke of South London.
  Subjlols via TownsendsPublisher.

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  TOP TIP:
  Cheapskates! Make your own porn using commonly
  available punctuation marks: (. )(. )

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